Hello everyone this is my first post after lurking for a few months. During the last 3 years my 12 yo attended advanced cirriculum charter where he cruised through school getting straight A’s without too much effort. Fast forwarding to this year he tested into the local college prep magnet school (considered by some the best school in our city). Suffice to say its been a tough adjustment for him. He made some sacrifices (no travel basketball) and is averaging 3 hours homework a night during the week and at least an hour a night during the weekend.
His grades were acceptable in the Fall but this semester has gotten off to a very rough start and has C’s in two classes. Even worse I feel its having a negative effect on our relationship as I find myself obsessively checking his grades each hour and I only talk to him about school where we used to talk everything. I also seem to get frustrated because he doesn’t seem to concerned about his grades and seems happy going to school (I know this is a good thing but crazy me wants him to show concern about his grades).
So should I be worried about his struggles at this point? When does his academic self motivation start? I find myself caring more than him at his point and this causes alot of the friction. Also, is it better to be a big fish in a little academic pond at this point or should I continue to have in this school to have academically challenged as much as possible pre-high school?
Is there any reason why you need to check his grades? Does the school have parent/teacher conferences? Can you request one? The teachers might be able to tell you if there is a concern.
This is a middle school college prep school? Do I have that correct? Is he a seventh grader? If so, his 7th grade grades are not going to go off to the colleges in five years.
What sorts of advanced courses is he taking? Look at the options there. It might be that the current schedule is sustainable for now…but may not be the best course for when high school comes…which is what WILL matter.
There is such a push to have kids be accelerated in courses by middle school. For some, this is absolutely the right choice. For others, it simply is not.
The fact that he’s still working hard and willing to push forward despite getting two ‘bad’ grades (Cs) is actually a good thing in my opinion – if he goes to into a challenging program at a good university these skills will actually serve him better since he will have faced and overcome challenges before (which is something that your typical, ‘gets straight As without studying in high school’ kid often struggles with when they get to college and can’t coast as much any more).
Are the Cs in challenging courses? Did he work hard for those Cs or did he get them because he slacked off?
Your description makes him sound motivated and driven. The fact that he’s not tearing his hair out or singing funeral dirges to his future over Cs doesn’t make him unmotivated. Resilience is a great skill as you point out and I would just keep encouraging him since it sounds like he’s doing what he’s supposed to be doing. If he actually is slacking off and not turning in assignments or skipping school then I would be worried, but if he’s really putting in the time to do well and getting mixed results then that’s normal especially for a 12 year old. Not everyone gets As in everything, and I’d be surprised if having a perfect GPA even matters at that level even for top-tier colleges.
Rather than checking his grades, how about going over the homework? Doubt it should be taking 3 hours a night at this level. My kids went to some of the most rigorous prep schools in the country and 2 hours was plenty–they were not super academic either. The school itself would outright say that much more than that regularly was a sign of some issues that need to be addressed.
Was he not being challenged in his previous school?
Our area has two magnet middle schools and I’ve known of more than a few kids who burned out before getting to high school. Most were boys. Unless your child is exceptionally motivated, this much homework and pressure can be too much for a 12 year old. I always said if I had to ride my childs butt about school and grades, I’d prefer to do it in high school when it counted, not middle school. Trust me, that was a good call for my son - he didn’t really start getting motivated until he was 15, suddenly the hormones leveled off and he just go it.
Thanks for the quick replies. He is in 6th grade - it offers 6th to kids to get used to the course load. The school is college prep because it is says so in the name Seriously though it is ranked by some above the local BASIS schools we have nearby. All the classes are advanced classes per the district and I tend to agree based on the homework he brings home. Both grades are at least partially due to slacking in my opinion (he forgot to turn in one homework assignment and in another forgot to complete a portion of a project). I emailed his teachers and they do not seem to have any concerns. One of my concerns is making sure that keeps that academic confidence or swagger as he continues into high school/
And if you are wondering, yes, my wife and I are Asian LOL.
I agree that it is not necessary to check grades every hour. Let go and see how he reponds. It is good you notice that you don’t like how your relationship is being affected. Middle school is so much more about coping, learning life skills, how to make friends, than it is about being at the very top of the academic ladder. it can bit of a roller coaster, or like the weather changing. High school will be busy enough. Slow down and enjoy your time together.
You’ve answered your own question. This is a sixth grader. His teachers are not concerned. The sixth grade year is to get students up to speed for this type of curriculum.
You do realize that kids get accepted to very top schools for schools other than high pressure Charter schools and Basis?
Just keep an eye on your student. This might be an excellent school for him…but it just might not be.
He’s had travel basketball taken away from him. And while it’s understandable that he might struggle initially when transitioning into a more academically demanding school, it’s well into the 2nd semester. What’s in it for him at this magnet school?
He’s only 12? What grade is he in now-- 9th? If so, that’s young to be in HS for a boy. At elite private college preparatory schools, it’s very common for parents to red-shirt their kids (boys and girls) rather than put them in at a younger age.
In all aspects of HS (academic & social) it’s better to be a big fish in a little pond or at least a medium fish in a big pond. It’s not so good being a small fish in a big pond.
@vabeach not really. He mostly cruised through school. Your comment about your son gives me hope as I suspect some of this is due to hormones. @cpt trust me I do. When I say three hours it includes the time he does it along with the review time I put in with him.
BTW, I appreciate all the feedback. Keep it coming. I think my neurosis is party seeing the forum posts here and realizing how many bright students are there and I maybe unrealistically expecting him to be there now.
GMT makes a good point. You have already made him give up travel basketball. If it were me, I’d find a school with a good curriculum, but it would NOT be at the expense of other activities outside of school. Especially in 6th grade.
Is he able to participate in some extracurricular activities at this new school…or is it all academic, academic, academic.
I wish I could underline what DimitriR said. Do not underestimate the positive effects of having to work for grades in middle or high school. That stretching allows your student to learn that they can overcome adversity in the future.
We have two engineering majors in college. Both were very successful high school students. It was an adjustment. One of ours wasn’t used to needing to complete any “extra” problems. He had a rollercoaster first semester at college. Now, he knows that any extra problems are worth their weight in gold. We wish he had learned that lesson before college.
Also, in our community, 3 hours of homework each night is pretty common. -starting in the 7th/8th grade. I wish that weren’t the case. There are private schools that are reputed to have less in order to allow the students to pursue ECs.
That’s too early for “college prep” homework or whatever label you want to hang on 3 hrs worth a night. 8th grade is where kids need to get a few tastes of rigorous HS work.
Kids need this period (6th to 8th) to find their internal motivation engine and get it turned on and working.
Quit looking at his grades more than 1 or 2 times a week. Grades are like seeing sausage being made. It’s not always pretty.
You admit he was never challenged before. Challenge is a good thing. The newish buzzword is grit – can he work through the problems that come before him?
Does he NEED to spend three hours a night on homework? Is perfectionism in play? Is he only doing this because the thinks that’s what you expect?
I’d let him go back to travel basketball and talk to him about something besides school. He’s still a kid. Your obsession with his grades is going to cause more harm than good.
I saw middle school as a time for my kids to learn how to regulate themselves in all kinds of areas, but specially time management. They went to regular public school, but were accelerated in math and played a ton of sports. Figuring out how to balance exhausting football and basketball practices with school work and a burgeoning interest in girls was what they did in middle school.
In sixth grade I would ask each boy what he had to do when he got home and then how long he thought that would take. Over the course of the year (yes the year), the kids figured out how to manage their time. We had a few late nights first semester when somebody guessed wrong on time or wasted too much time before settling down to work.
So I think some of what you are seeing is normal. It was also really common for middle school boys to do homework and then forget to turn it in. I never understood that. Get through the year and then think if this is the best school choice for your son.
The obsessive grade checking? Yeah, you have to stop that. I am not a fan of the online grades and being able to instantly see them. Get it down to once a day, then just look if your kid has a test or has to turn something in (if he is one of those middle schoolers who forgets to turn stuff in; you can nip that bad habit in the bud.)
This is a toughie…i had the chance to pull my kids into an academically tough private school when they were that age…we decided against it because of 1) money 2) too much pressure and 3) wanting to support the local schools in our town. it turned out beautifully…they found a strong academic crowd at the urban public school but they were also surrounded by more casual kids…which has given them perspective…my senior is now looking at a plethora of college acceptances…and i expect the same for her brother. There have been many times over the past 6 years when I’ve heard friends talk about their ultra-stressed students at those schools and i think to myself (but never say this out loud “why in the heck are you putting them through this.”
Seriously though it is ranked by some above the local BASIS schools we have nearby. All the classes are advanced classes per the district and I tend to agree based on the homework he brings home. Both grades are at least partially due to slacking in my opinion (he forgot to turn in one homework assignment and in another forgot to complete a portion of a project). I emailed his teachers and they do not seem to have any concerns. One of my concerns is making sure that keeps that academic confidence or swagger as he continues into high school/
“why in the heck are you putting them through this.”