Talking to Family and Friends about Colleges

Sometimes the harm is not in your family’s situation but in that of the person who’s asking.

Saying something seemingly innocuous like “My son applied to a bunch of big schools, but he also decided to apply to Carleton College even though it’s small because he liked it so much” can deeply hurt the feelings of people whose children would never have had the credentials or money to get into Carleton.

I have a colleague at work whose highly academically talented son had to do his first two years of college at a community college for financial reasons. At the office, we are all quite frank about where our children go to college (or for the older folks among us, where they went to college). I know it hurts him every time college is mentioned and he has to remember that other people’s kids – who are no more talented than his son – have gone to four-year schools from the start, including some very attractive ones.

I dealt with this just today. Sent brief emails to 2 church people after S got accepted to a college yesterday.
Church person 1: Congratulations!
Church person 2: where is it located? Is he attending in person or online? What’s his major? Is he going straight to seminary?

(I didn’t respond further. It felt like a questionnaire)

@TheGreyKing You really think admissions officers look through CC to try to figure out whose child is whose? From what I hear, AOs are super busy just reading apps. I have a friend who is an AO and “reading season” is crazy. He is swamped. Now, if people used their real names on CC, then just maybe an AO would peek just out of curiosity but I really can’t imagine any of them working so hard to figure out who is who…and then using that info in an admissions cycle.

I was pretty naive when we first started our search. I thought the whole thing was thrilling and loved talking about it with others. I was interested in their searches and why they liked and disliked certain schools. I was honestly surprised that some people were so guarded, because I figured our kids would all end up somewhere. Fast forward a few years through some painful rejections, both for my kids and for friends’ kids. So today, I think I’d say, “You know, this is a very fraught process and my kid really wants privacy until he/she has made a decision. But we’re looking at northeast LACs/big schools with a Greek life/conservatories/whatever.”

I wouldn’t post a lot of detail on a specific college thread. I think some colleges monitor those.

@CalCal17 and the answer to “Community College” should be “Excellent Value!”

I am one of those enthusiastic question askers. I always thought I was just showing an interest in other people’s children. It is good to see this perspective- that friendly chitchat can feel high pressure during the stressful college application season.

Since we are in California with 9 UCs, it was easy to say he was applying to a range of UCs plus a few others. Never mind that the “few others” were actually mostly high reaches. He applied to a LAC that matches his name, so that was an amusing distraction from putting additional pressure on the reach list by having people know about it.

Also remember to “Smile and Nod”…http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/926354-just-smile-and-nod-smile-and-nod-p1.html

For the most part, I was honest but vague, mentioning a few schools. My kids really did not have clear favorites. It seemed to me that everyone I was friendly with understood how difficult admissions were at the tippy top schools for any students (a glance at Naviance would certainly tell that story). I found I could give and receive good information on a wide variety of schools that I (or the other parent) may not have considered. If I felt like someone was fishing, I would be vague, but most of the conversations were with friends and we talked pretty openly.

This wasn’t an issue for us. Our daughter is an only child so the entire admissions process was new to us. We are also in a school district/area where for the most part the community is very supportive.
There were some students and parents who were petty but that was the exception.
I think that the student and their parents should have a discussion so that they are all on the same page. The emotional health of the student being the most important element.

I will vaguely ask friends how the college search is going or does their kid want to go out of state, and a vague answer in return is fine. But I do not care about answering with some specific examples about my kids’ choices. So what if others know they don’t get into a certain school?

@vistajay But do your kids agree with that? I wonder if they might be more embarrassed about that kind of thing?

@chzbrgr they take the same approach. But of course if they were uncomfortable I would follow their lead. We are just talking about some occasional conversations. I am not shouting from the rooftops.

I never feel the need to be secretive about the process, but hopefully have enough social grace to not over-share unless I’m talking to a person who wants to get into all the details. If someone vaguely said “We’re looking at a variety of schools” I just wouldn’t pursue it. My kids don’t have dream schools and I don’t anticipate any painful or “embarrassing” rejections - they don’t care if I tell someone where they might apply.

I also hope I’m not so thin-skinned that I can’t deal with other people’s kids’ having better grades/scores/more impressive ECs, and therefore, more impressive college lists than my more average kids ended up/will end up with. I’m not going to have my feelings hurt if another parent tells me their kid has a 1590 on the SAT, took 17 APs, cured some rare disease, and plays a monthly solo series at the Kennedy Center.

Here’s an idea: when they ask, say, “Wow, it’s really hard. Got any suggestions?”

We get the extended family questions a lot. our D is the first of her generation of cousins to be approaching college years. My D is a strong student and most know this and want to know why she isn’t applying to all the Ivies. Most not in the “game” yet don’t understand how difficult it is to get in or that there isn’t merit aid at tippy top schools. We are pretty comfortable financially but 280K is not in the cards. It is exhausting explaining this. It is hard to avoid the conversation with family sometimes since her going off to college is a big deal to them as well. She was the first kiddo in our family in many years and I have seven siblings. With close friends we talk about the process and not the schools.

The most fun is the perspective of older relatives, which can be out of date, wrong, and wonderfully amusing. Someone told us that he associated one of our son’s prospective colleges with “a lot of blondes” (by that he meant not newer immigrant groups from his time like Jews and Italians). And then there is our favorite: “Bennington girls are known to be sexually progressive.”