Tell me I haven't lost my mind! A big long sorry - helping an 'older' student whose had challenges

Parent Cafe
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So I have posted here before about the challenges of my 23 year old daughter. Quick recap she has non-verbal learning disorder and along with it (almost always with this dx) significant anxiety. She is gifted in IQ (according to her now very old neuropsych evaluation) – but the executive function defecits and slow processing speed along with the fine motor skills issues (writing especially) seem top do her in. In HS she had 504 accomodations for these although getting compliance was a full time job for me. She graduated with good grades and nice scholarship at the honors college at West TX A&M.

She tried to go to but couldn’t hack it. She came home after the first year with only about 9 credits having been tossed off the equestrian team for poor grades and moved out of the honors college dorm – most of which I didn’t know at the time. It was doubly hard on her because right at that same time her father and I were going through an extremely contentious divorce which I didn’t see coming at all. She started refusing meds because she said she felt like a zombie – maybe the psych doctor got a bit too much with it all - depression meds, ADD meds (2 of them). I don’t really know.

She moved in with my ex and did a few other classes here and there, did well in some and not in others (community college). Then she moved out on her own. (also did a couple classes here and there successfully and some not so successfully). She refuses to live with my ex and she isn’t all that interested in being with me because I live in another state (not where she grew up). Both ex and I agree that she has a better chance of being successful in school if she doesn’t have the stress of trying to live on her own on top of it (and the job commitment and money commitment it takes) but no matter how many consequences we let her have (natural ones) she will not change her mind on that. She claims to me that her fathers house is too anxiety producing for her. I don’t know how true that is but I can ‘see’ it in a way. Even my younger neuro typical girls say that sort of thing when they visit for relatively short periods of time there.

She is so determined to live on her own that she has been in motels, by herself, with friends, with a boyfriend – and she does keep picking herself up and moving on every time something goes wrong (and it so does all the time). I have to give her kudos for persistence and resiliency.

About a month ago, she landed a new gig managing the stables at a quarter horse barn (that is what she knows well) and as a part of the pay she gets an apartment with utilities and all that. The barn owner (whom I am familiar) is a nice guy and knows her and her local horse history. She seems GOOD at this kind of work. Her boyfriend abruptly moved out after a fight which I now know was over missing money (apparently he had a history of drug abuse - I didn’t know this of course). I went to see her and I felt so sorry for her – trying so hard to pick up the pieces and move on. She kind of did all the right things by taking his name off accounts, shutting down his phone etc. so she wouldn’t get killed more financially than what they were already fighting about. It seems to me the drugs are back but she doesn’t know that for sure. But he left, never came back and the apartment/job is hers.

So she is 4 classes short of an associates in Animal Science, she has apparently visited admissions at UConn and if she matriculates this fall she won’t lose all the credits (some are getting oldish) and can take part time as a commuter student. The barn owner is all for allowing her the flexibility to go to class. She agreed to take a light anxiety med again and start counseling (I said I would pay the co-pays) and wants to try and finish the credits and then see what happens.

A few state university classes are probably not going to kill me financially - but I also probably do need to get her a new evaluation so she can get some needed accomodations. I am seriously considering going ahead and paying for all that – it won’t be easy, I am putting several other kids through college right now and my retirement looks fairly bleak (divorce settlement ouch).

She cannot keep doing what she is doing - no career path or job growth opportunities. She is saying if she gets a 3.0 she will automatically be accepted to the BS Animal Science program there and when she turns 24 can probably apply for financial aid on her own.

Am I crazy to give her yet another chance?

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I don’t know, but in your shoes I’d probably help out. My horsey niece after getting a BA in psychology (I think) from Sweet Briar is now working at an equestrian program at a private school.

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Yes, give her a chance. She is doing the best she can with the cards she was given. She found an appropriate job that came with needed housing. If you can help her stabilize now, she will be less financially dependent on you when you flat out don’t have it to give her. (DH and I sent my BIL to trade school to help my MIL for just this reason.)

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@TQfromtheU this is such a hard situation, she is difficult at best - and I know it is the LD but it is difficult none the less. She has to make it a priority (the school) and she hasn’t in the past. I am hoping she is ready now.

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why not babysteps? You’ve posted about this D before and I’m so happy for her (and you) that she is in a stable position right now (pun intended).

But you don’t need to turn back the tap and watch the money (possibly) swirl down the drain.

Why not encourage your D to start small- a community college course (surely cheaper than U Conn). An online course. Even something non-credit related, just to get her back into the swing of things academically. A CC near me offers a non credit adult learners classes in web design and social media, the basics of coding, graphic design, etc. They are cheap but require doing your homework and asking the professor for help when you need.

Give her an opportunity for academic success- credits or no credits- before you turn the back the tap on the serious money. And now that she’s got some cash coming in- tell her that you’ll reimburse her for tuition on a CC class once she passes it. Or that you’ll split the cost on the graphic design course 50/50.

If she wants a career with animals, all of these skills could come in handy (web design for an animal hospital in addition to her other duties?) And you aren’t out thousands of dollars if she can’t manage…

Hugs. So much better than your last posts!

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@blossom mostly because she will lose the old credits and have to do them again if she doesn’t matriculate somewhere and get ‘credit’ for them by this year. Cost per credit at UConn for this associates program is $400 - not that much different than the CC.

Maybe I will have her buy her books - she doesn’t make much money outside getting the rent/utilities so it doesn’t go far with food, fuel, insurance and her phone. But I won’t totally turn on the tap - it will be 1-2 classes that must be met with success before I agree to anything else.

The big thing though is I need to get her evaluation done – and sadly these things are costly. I will make sure she asks about how long the credits will be good for when she meets with admissions- couldn’t find anything in particular on the website. If she has more time, your idea is a good one.

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If financially able I would help her out, but insist on regular contact and creating some kind of system where you can monitor how she is managing academically and financially.

I’m glad she is in a better place now and hope she will continue moving forward in a positive direction.

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With an online course her writing skills aren’t going to matter, are they? All the work is by computer. So one piece of the accommodations goes away.

Agree that investing in the evaluation is a risky piece of the plan. Are you sure she can’t manage one class without accommodations… especially if some of her 'distractions" are gone and she’s living independently and holding down a job?

Do you know for sure that U Conn won’t accept her old evaluation, especially for this Associates (i.e. non Bachelor’s) class?

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Yes, I’d do it. Can she take one course this summer and then the rest in the fall? Retirement? I hear it’s overrated.

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Is there a statute of limitations on the paperwork that was generated in HS? Did it follow her to college? Would that documentation help to streamline a current evaluation and perhaps reduce costs?

I would support her, one class at a time and see how it goes. It sounds like she is doing her best to create a stable life for herself and to develop a plan for the future. A relatively modest investment right now get her on track to sustainable adult independence. Good luck to both of you.

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@blossom I know the evaluation is risky and expensive. I think she can handle one or two classes without accomodations - maybe if she shows commitment and that she has likelihood to move on I can invest in it then. She has donewell enough in the past with certain classes at the community college.

I don’t know for sure about UConn - but apparently W. Texas A&M didn’t (another thing she didn’t tell me at the time) – or so she says.

@twoinanddone maybe she can take one in the summer, I will find out.

@mamaedefamilia I thought the paperwork was enough to follow her to college and I sent it but she tells me that the school wasn’t accepting it – the whole thing is no easy task to navigate. She always had a 504 - her diagnosis even today doesn’t qualify for an IEP

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Two classes already sounds like a set up for failure. She’s been out of school for a while; she’s dealt with the druggie BF, a divorce, the anxiety,the difficulties with housing and holding down a job. All of this is independent of her LD’s.

If it were me (and I know advice is cheap) I’d volunteer to spend a few hours with her going through the course catalog to see what looks interesting and what she thinks she can handle (and what won’t require the endless writing, given her fine motor issues). Have her pick a class that she thinks sounds super interesting. Then go online with her and review the professor’s ratings, see if you can cull some nuggets “Professor was super chill about me handing in a paper a day late” is a good sign. “Professor does not allow any deviations from the syllabus, ever, and docks your grade if you hand something in late” is a bad sign for your D.

If she does well (and passes) you can sit down with her and outline the costs of the evaluation and how that is going to work. (she doesn’t get to keep relevant information from you about her accommodations, for one thing). But for you to spend the money now- without any “ticks” in the box on academic success in a while, and without enough behavioral changes for you evaluate- I don’t know. There are zero guarantees on the evaluation anyway- it’s not like spending the money is automatically going to give her what she needs at U Conn. You don’t know what the evaluation will find, and you don’t know what accommodations are possible given her academic interests anyway.

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@blossom I cannot disagree - and for her my not doing the evaluation again BEFORE she went to college is a bone of contention which she is still irritated with me about. Like you said there are no guarantees of getting any or all accomodations which is why I didn’t do it then – it can cost upwards of $3000 to get done. We all knew her defecits/challenges and what she needed to help her so the assessment and report seems highly unneccessary.

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No, you are not crazy for giving her another chance. She is your daughter. Plus, she is giving herself another chance. You are right to be supportive.

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Toomany, I had a boss once who had profound LD’s. (took me a while to figure that out). He’d ask for a report or analysis on something- you’d spend three days locked in a closet doing the work and then leave it in his in-box. He’d call you in and say “how about you walk me through it?” He could not retain information he’d read (if he processed it at all which isn’t clear). His handwriting was a scrawl, he was disorganized and was always trying to do five things at once. (Nobody had heard of executive functioning issues at that time).

He probably earned low 7 figures in a bad year. He was in sales (B2B, not consumer) and had to persuade very senior corporate people to spend LOTS of money with him on complicated and expensive services. But he was the consummate people-person and not just in the shmoozing kind of way. He retained information like the names of people’s kids, he visited a client’s administrative assistant in the hospital after surgery, he had a way of connecting with people which was really uncanny. A CEO apologized for being late for a meeting and said as an aside, “My kids dog died last night and we had a burial for him this morning so I got in later than I had expected” and my boss had a donation sent from a local animal shelter in Rover’s memory by the end of the day. How a guy who couldn’t read a simple report and retain the information could remember the names of everyone’s spouse, kids, little league coach, and family pet really flummoxed me. But also- had an instinct about when to push, when to lay off, when to invite someone who was having a hard time to dinner or when to send a funny card (which his admin chose for him and kept in a special drawer). Even if you didn’t like him- it was REALLY hard not to admire him. Put simply- people liked doing business with him because it meant you got to have him around.

My point? Success comes in lots of different ways. He was a graduate of a community college with an AA in “business services” or something random. He managed to turn his extreme extroversion and ability to connect with people into a very lucrative career, and by the time he was successful, had full time administrative help plus a bunch of junior people (like me) to write his reports, keep his calendar, make sure he got on a plane to Detroit and not Dayton.

Take a baby step now since she seems inclined to try school again. I wouldn’t throw your retirement money into the hole called “evaluations”, and I wouldn’t write a check for a semester at college either. But paying for a course you think she can pass-- while keeping her warm to the idea of counseling, another crack at meds, mending fences with you, being independent even if she doesn’t have a lot of spare cash right now-- all of these are positive steps. She may be on track to find her “spidey sense”- work with that for now and limit the financial downside if this is a sideshow.

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@blossom thanks and I agree with all of that – I won’t agree to a whole semester load of anything right yet!

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I have a kid with a NVLD. I’d help out her out if you can. Since you have an old eval already, maybe you can get a less than full workup this time that confirms her previous diagnosis. We did that with my kid, and grad school took it.

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Question…I re-read the OP, and it’s not clear to me how you got to the point that you might be paying for schooling again.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t, but I’m curious how you got there. Did she ask you to help out? Did you offer after hearing of the new plan?

Sounds like having the stable job is grounding. Lots of people find work to be more palatable than school.

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@intparent that is a good idea! Did you go with the same professional or someone different?

You really do know what challenges we are having! When I found her old evaluation (and read it again) it made me so sad. She is gifted in IQ and can barely hold a job or finish a semester of college – it makes no sense to other people. I have to say though the evaluation was SPOT ON about the future challenges she would have.

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@Midwest67 She has been talking about going back to school for a while but that finances were keeping her from the ability to do that while living on her own. I offered to help her out if she showed me appropriate stability (job and living situation and went back to counseling). She has been job and living place jumping A LOT the past year and a half or so and NOT by her own choice – she has interpersonal skills issues related to the anxiety and the LD