<p>Should have picked a different header. She called again after her dinner. It's not a boy. She is feeling the need to come home and have some space to decide what she wants to do. She likes her roommate and the other girl from Tulane and the boys as well. They have become close but she feels that the things that they like to do and that most of the people she has met like to do don't interest her. She always has people to be with but she feels like she isn't meeting the sort of people that she would develop into strong friendships. The social life is geared around frat parties and she goes but she isn't interested in meeting any of those people. She is also facing the realization that come Jan they are all going to go back to Tulane and she will be on her own. She feels strongly that she doesn't thing Tulane is what she wants.
I think it hasn't helped that they are not in a dorm. They have bonded but it has made it hard to meet other people. She knows she needs to make an effort to find activities that she would meet more like minded people. But also feels like she is so busy with classes and homework that she doesn't have the time to do that.
I am feeling like I would let her come home for a weekend. But her Dad disagrees. It is at least a 2 hour flight but probably longer since she will have to make some stops to get a decent fare. His thoughts are it will only make it harder to go back. She will be home at Thanksgiving for 6 weeks.
So we will see what happens. It is so hard to see them unhappy.</p>
<p>Like Northstar Mom, I figured accident or arrest, whew. You simply have taken phone calls about Life, a good option. When I was a freshman, I envied the girls who had the kind of parents they could call up and dump on, although sometimes it seemed to me that they were also whiny...a luxury I did not have. Freshman world has its miseries as well as its joys which we sometimes forget in our long discussions of college admissions strategies.
I had a situation where my calls home had to be geared to cheer up the parent units who were in crisis. I never brought up any of my own worries or issues of the day. I was amazed when I heard other kids who had fun much of the day dial the phone and tell a parent mainly about what was worrying them, with lots of drama and angst. Some of them could go home to crash, and rest before returning to school refreshed, while I was independent but also "emancipated before my time." What I observed for the next thirty years...the two girlfriends who could always call home and whine and get tearful or run off for a weekend at home are still close to their now aged parents, who next morphed into supportive grandparents. They grew up to be just as independent and hard-working as anyone could wish. They simply had good relations with parents that included feeling comfortable with leaning on them. Now they are supporting their parents and bearing the larger load. So my message...is don't fret one bit that it is "weak" to let her come home. She is a fledgling in this game of college. Listen, reflect, and let her go back to school with some perspective, encouragement or a plan for whatever the problem is. Count yourself lucky that your almost 19 year old thinks you can handle listening to her more complex world issues. It is a compliment and not a sign of dependency if you help her regroup and return to her game. These trips home will come in spells at life passage times and are not going to be a constant. She may come home a lot with stress from a new job or a failed romance or a new baby in another chapter of life. </p>
<p>Whoops I just read you update. hmmm. Two hour flight is expensive plus she might try to bail out on the semester. Tell her that you will assist her in searching for possible transfer paths at Christmas but that she needs to build on her admission to Tulane with a good First Semester GPR and a reference from a Tulane teacher. So advise her to do what she must to get her work done and maintain her resilience till the winter break. Or you could fly out there for a night or two and she could crash in your hotel room. Many kids in the USA are on fall Break long weekends this week. She might already know what she needs but she will be prouder when she transfers if she can demonstrate appreciation for what Tulane has offered during this traumatic month and if her transcript is strong just as her HS transcript was fine.</p>
<p>Could you perhaps go visit <em>her</em> for a weekend? Maybe take an inexpensive hotel room (and have her join you!), go out for a meal (or three!), hang out, talk, shop, eat ice cream late at night in the hotel room, whatever?</p>
<p>You can't lose in this situation. Let her come home for a weekend and vent for 48 hours--or go up and visit her and let her vent...and shop? for 48 hours, LOL.</p>
<p>If she was a Tulane student, then this turbulence should be par for the course. She's been through a lot. No wonder she can't quite get her head around it. My guess is that Tulane will lose a large percentage of this year's freshman. Too much of their Tulane 'experience' has been via CNN. (No flames please).</p>
<p>If she is not a Tulane student, she is experiencing a mild case of 'Culture Shock'. Oftentimes, when a person moves into a new culture, the first people they meet will not be their long lasting friends. Believe it or not, her anxiety of being the new person keeps prospective buddies at a distance. As your D relaxes in the new environment--as most do---her people will find her and she will find ways to identify her people.</p>
<p>For the long term, I would get her to mark this period in her mind so that when she moves to a new city or goes JYA, she will remember that she needs a transition period before she starts to make final judgements or best friends.</p>
<p>That would be my advice.</p>
<p>I am in the minority, but I agree with your DH. She is feeling like she isn't meeting the right kind of people. She "knows she needs... to find activities" where she will meet like-minded people, but doesn't feel she has the time. The time she would spend flying home for the weekend, imho, is "found time" to do just what she knows she needs to do - join an organization, go to an activity where she will start to meet "her people." </p>
<p>She's in the process of deciding that this, which I believe was her 2nd choice school, isn't the right place. She seems to have already decided that her first choice isn't the right place. She didn't get the opportunity (so far) to give her first choice a chance. She seems to not be giving her second choice a real chance. It's harder for her, granted, given the uprooted circumstances of being a Katrina kid. But I have such a kid also, and I think they DO need to make the attitude shift necessary to not allow those circumstances to de-rail them.</p>
<p>Part of me thinks that you're going there would be a compromise. But, really, I think that you can "be there for her" long distance. She needs to engage, not dis-engage. If both first and second choice schools turn out to be mis-matches, that is a fixable problem. She will have learned more about what she wants in a school. But it is wa-a-y-y-y to soon to conclude that. If she doesn't really do what it takes to give the schools a real chance, she could be doing this dance at school #3 as well.</p>
<p>Just another perspective.</p>
<p>Wow, I feel bad for the kids from New Orleans's schools. They have been through more than most of us know. All geared up for their schools and then, poof, it's over. So, not only are they going through the same adjustments all our kids are going through, they have a double whammy adjustment going on. </p>
<p>I have no ideas, but keep talking to her. Maybe if she's desperate to come home you should just let her. Maybe then when she gets back to school she'll have the reassurance that everything is still there at home - and just as boring as ever! :)</p>
<p>Suggest that she go to the counseling center and get some support there. She has been through a lot, and the counseling center could help her sort out what's going on and what actions to take that would help her feel connected.</p>
<p>Now that you've posted more info, I don't think it's a good idea to spring for a ticket home now. I do think, however, that she could use the kind of excellent support that college counseling centers provide.</p>
<p>I was thinking the same idea as mootmom as I read your post, mom60. If it is affordable, it sounds like a good idea to spend a long week-end near her. Freshman year is a tough adjustment. If not, perhaps some long phone conversations with you will help. Counseling at school, which someone suggested, is also a good idea. I know that when I came home from college on a 3 day week-end (ie: Columbus D week-end) I always felt that if I stayed at school I would feel worse (most went home), but I also felt that the 5 hour bus trip each way was not really worth the short time at home. I did treasure the few hours in my room, and laying in the bed I slept in as I grew up. It was a comfortable place. After 2 years of those trips I no longer needed them and did away with them. I remember those week-ends as though they were yesterday (and believe me they were not yesterday :)).</p>
<p>Mom60:
My D is a junior in college, and she doesn't come home unless she really wants/needs to. I wouldn't underestimate your daughter's reason for wanting to come home. What she's expressing is the need to be in a familiar place so that she can sort out her thoughts. She's also expressing a need to be in a place where she feels completely comfortable. If she needs direction, she will ask for it. But, freshmen are hard at work establishing themselves among their peers. They're constantly at work constructing an identity in an environment that often seems beyond their control. When home isn't an option every day, social pressures really do build up. </p>
<p>Thinking back to my D's freshman year, she made her first trip home in October. It surprised us because she couldn't wait to get to college. When she got home, we could see that all she needed was a dose of family life, her own bed, her own room, familiar food, privacy in the bathroom, the dog, the brother, and the ease of conversation with people who knew and loved her.</p>
<p>If your D wants to hop a plane for a weekend visit, it's an indication that she hasn't done it enough times to consider it a hassle; and, it's an indication that she really wants to come home. I've always felt that our D's weekend visits were like mini-breathers in a 4-year long marathon. Now that she has her own familiar routine at college, she is eager and somewhat relieved to be out of here. :D</p>
<p>P.S. If a visit isn't going to happen, how about a care package filled with fun things from the home front, e.g. mini-magnetic picture frames with individual photos of fam members, including the pets; colorful paperclips and alligator clips; a CD; lavender soap; Starbuck's gift card; etc.</p>
<p>Hey- look at it this way- your relationship with your daughter is such that when she's stressed and upset, she calls YOU- how many parents here would love that?</p>
<p>Slugg's care package is great- I generally toss in "stupid & silly" things which bring a big laugh, the dog will send one of his bones, an old "lousy" childhood snapshot- not a classic good one, an old bad picture to get laughes, bubbles to blow, etc.</p>
<p>MY oldest is a senior now and still maintains psychological posession of her room...she is generally home a few times over the year, but spends most of her time connecting with old friends within a 4 hour radius, so we see very little of her, yet that is "Her " room and it seems to mean a great deal to her. It took until her 3rd year before she was ready to clean out the drawers and box up old things so it could be a good guest room, that visit really signified to me that she had grown-up and left home.....though it is still HER room!</p>
<p>The other thing to remember, some one mentioned it earlier, we at home are the safe sounding board, sometimes they will call and vent and then never tells us it got better! So frustrating. It took me a bit of time to learn that I did not need to fix anything, that was causing me frustration, my inability to make it better. Instead I realised, she is now a grown-up, she needs me to be a safe and smart advisor, I should not get emotional, but take in what she is saying and help her see the situations (roommates/classes/sorority/job) from a logical perspective. If I can give her the info she needs to make the most mature decision possible, I am doing my job. I have found this to work quite well, and also seen my D doing her own maturing :)</p>
<p>One of my D's best friends is at U Denver. If you want her name & number, PM me. She is a level headed, deep, kind, fun girl. Not a partier, but very warm and engaged.</p>
<p>Just compared notes with another mom-of-a-freshman, and both of our kids are getting wist-ful about their college choices, and talking about transferring. What is it - the seven week itch? I do think the "high" of starting school has worn off and they may be experiencing some of the same problems they thought they'd left in high school.</p>
<p>I agree with the parents who have said, basically, that you only hear from the kid when things are rough. Stay in touch, keep sending the care packages, and let them know that things will work out for the best.</p>
<p>On transfers, my D thought her friends who went to schools with others from high school were having a lot more fun that she was...transferes were mentioned. I told her I did my work, if she wanted to transfer, then she should order the catalogs and do the apps. She did order a couiple of catalogs, but never did any apps :) I think the grass can sound a lot greener elsewhere, some kids tell others how great everything is and some tell every one all the ways in which it is not matching their dream college experience.</p>
<p>Oh, good idea, someone! How about a whole care package from the family pets? A poop sack and bag of (human) treats from the dog; a hairball and a catnip mouse from the cat; bubbles and a rubber duckie from the fish; "giant nose" pictures of the humans taken from the pov of the pets -- great idea.</p>
<p>Take it from a sophomore's POV.</p>
<p>I know it's hard not to worry about what your D's final decision/anguish was all about. Like many have said, college is HARD. Yes, we are all having a blast but eventually stress catches up with us. Right now, I'm at the point of looking forward to going back home to <em>breathe</em> this weekend. Now if I can survive this mid-term on Thursday...</p>
<p>Anyway, since you're a 2 hour plane ride, well, how far away is your D from the airport? Ask her to do the math of traveling time and costs and see if she's willing to deal with that. I couldn't do it at my last school because the driving time was 5 hours and I had no car... and the train was 10 hours (plus possible lateness..). Eventually, I decided that I would have to make productive use of my time/money if I had gone home for that weekend. Right now she might feel it's worth it, but like one poster's D, sometimes it just takes a several times before they decide that traveling back home is too much of a hassle- signfying that they are absolutely ready to be let go of. In the meantime, keep giving her support over long phone calls (encourage her to walk w/ the phone around the campus if it's quiet and pretty like mine!), send her little gifts every now and then, and just be there. Promise to make her something for her to look forward to like a favorite dessert or dinner on her first night back.</p>
<p>Also, it is true that many, many of the people that students meet at first do not become their lifelong friendships. I mean, right now, how many of you still have at least 10 friends from school? Probably not much right? So to us, it's hard because we're used to growing up with same group of people since kindergarten. Then again, from kindergarten, how many of those classmates did we actually become friends with? And now you have to triple, quardruple the student population for college. And making friends is like finding a needle in the haystack. So tell her just to relax, jump around different clubs and organizations to meet different people and find connections. Strike up conversations about your interest (yes, superficiality works) and eventually, if the students are into networking, they will introduce your D to people they know who match her interests.</p>
<p>And the reality of college is that MOST students do not party ALL the time. Most do party only one night or the other- and usually only with their closest friends. Otherwise, they stay behind in their dorms or go elsewhere (movies, concerts) to relax- because college is that hard LOL. So eventually, if she wanders around and asks enough, she'll find people. Especially if she asks to join in a group of people who aren't planning to party that night. </p>
<p>If she wants to transfer, she's gotta do all the work. Don't help her except give her a ride to desired colleges if she needs to. You can stand by and be objective- help her see why she originally chose this school and give pros and cons of the whole situation. Sometimes, it's better not to discuss it fully until she gets her letters in the spring- because by then, both of you would be wondering why you wasted your time bickering/discussing in the fall over nothing, especially if she decides to stay or is denied acceptance.</p>
<p>Now really must study for the mid-term so I can have much need break ! Good luck! :)</p>
<p>Slugg: Ooooh, photos of giant noses, I love it. Seriously, my D did the ole ROTFLMAO when she saw the dog's chewie bone, it got a much bigger and more satisfying reaction than anything else, even the candy!</p>
<p>One of our neighbor's kids, who is a freshman, did take an hour flight and came home for the weekend. I heard it was a big disappointment. All of her friends were off to college and somehow nothing was quite as she had envisioned it. I guess she was just homesick and going through the stress of adjusting.</p>
<p>we got a letter from washu's assistant dean in the college of arts and sciences today. She mentioned basically how this can be a hard time as kids are getting tests and papers back and the reality of how they are doing can come as a shock. She mentioned many campus resources that we could mention to our kids, if needed. She also offered her help.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone. I have taken to heart much of what has been said. She has already been making regular use of the counseling center. Her grades back so far have all been A's so it isn't that shock. I realized that this is the longest she has ever been away from home. It's an adjustment for all of us.
I have given her some suggestions as to ways I think she can make more friends and she hasn't called me since. I think I annoyed her(I don't mind annoying her it's what we Mom's do best). I am pushing her to look into getting into a living and learning community next quarter. They normally wouldn't allow someone in at this point but given the circumstance they hopefully will find a place for her.
I am putting her off on arranging the visit home and hoping she decides she doesn't need it.</p>