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<p>:) That Jude had many issues. Having a dream school actually seems minor.</p>
<p>We tried as hard as we could to ward DD off of “falling in love” with a school. She did. We keep telling her that there are many other great options AND that her “dream school” may or may not be wonderful, but it most definitely NOT be all that she thinks it will be. If she gets in, she may love it, but it will not be for the things she is imagining. Nothing is ever what it seems from afar. We have no idea how things will work out. We are not too worried about it . . . life happens.</p>
<p>Really, Jude the Obscure? Is that not a tragedy of mis-matched social classes? Or did I read it wrong? (It’s been many years.)</p>
<p>Hmmm . . . not my experience. I had a dream school, way back in the day. I applied, was accepted, went there and loved it, and I left loving it more than I had ever imagined possible. </p>
<p>My D1 had something of a dream school, but she started dreaming about it only after she had carefully investigated a bunch of schools and this one shot to the top of her list. She applied ED, was accepted, and is attending, now in her sophomore year with not the least regret or buyer’s remorse, and I can tell she’s growing to love it more and more with each passing week. Not to say all has been peaches and cream; there were the usual first-year roommate problems, disappointments with the quality of vegetarian dining hall options, heavy workload that sometimes stretched her almost to the breaking point, consequent difficulty balancing school and social life, and even a surprising amount of homesickness, which she did not expect. But those are just life’s little bumps, things that could and probably would happen anywhere, and she’s sensible enough to know that, and not blame the school (well, she does blame the school a little for the dining hall options not being better, but she’s found a complete workaround and is now extremely happy with her food situation). She’s come through it all beautifully, she’s doing well in her studies, she’s learning a lot and is just soaring as a person. In short, she’s at her dream school and couldn’t be happier; and I couldn’t be happier or prouder of her.</p>
<p>I just think people’s experiences differ, and you can’t generalize about these things; a dream school is not necessarily a “fallacy” for everyone just because it is for some. Some people end up disappointed with their dream job, or their dream house, or their dream vacation, or their dream spouse, too. That doesn’t mean you should give up on having dreams, or chasing them. Just be a little more realistic in your expectations about what you’ll find when you get there, perhaps, and try to be a little more resilient in taking the lumps that will inevitably come. This being life, and all.</p>
<p>^ I agree with bclintonk. A dream school will have negatives, just like any other of life’s imperfect things. But when there are so very many positives to be excited about, the bumps are easier to handle because they feel like exceptions. D is at her dream school. Everything about the place has met or exceeded expectations. There is one aspect that is not turning out to be the best fit, but she scarcely minds.</p>
<p>My D was crushed when she found out she wasn’t going to her dream school as a recruited athlete. </p>
<p>I’ve never seen her sadder when she got off the phone with a IVY coach who said she
hadn’t been approved by admissions doing a pre-read of her academic records.</p>
<p>I tried to help her channel her disappointment into improving her SAT/ACT scores, the reason for the rejection. </p>
<p>She ended up spending hours everyday that summer between JR and SR year studying for the next ACT test. A dramatic change in behavior for a kid who academically skated to a final HS GPA of 3.44.</p>
<p>At the end of September SR year, when her test scores came in, they were now good enough for the dream school. When she called the coach to tell her, another disappointment, the coach saying her ED spot had now been filled. </p>
<p>The dream school coach talked about her being tagged during regular admissions, but in the end, my D went with a coach who really wanted her at a great UC school.</p>
<p>So for my D, the lost dream, was the needed wake-up call.</p>
<p>It’s OK to have a dream school if you’re highly likely to be admitted there.</p>
<p>My very fickle daughter didnt have a dream school until fall of senior year when she attended an info session at her high school. She put everything she had into applying early action to that school even though we had not visited. She was deferred then waitlisted and eventually went to a much more prestigious school for her major. She graduated in May and where does she work? At her original dream school’s hospital. Call her determined!</p>
<p>^My nephew is now a grad student at MIT after having been rejected their as an undergrad. I have no idea how he’d have done at MIT, but he flourished at Rice. My older son was also an MIT reject, I think he thought it was his first choice, but I think in many ways the school he ended up (Carnegie Mellon’s School of Comp Sci) at was even more compatible. Younger son refused to have a dream school, his stats were all over the map and we really had no idea who would take him.</p>
<p>My kids both got accepted ED into what were their dream schools (which caused me to rethink atheism momentarily) but H and I both strongly emphasized that they had a lot of great places on their lists, and that we would have been proud to have had them attend any of those schools. We thought part of our parental duties was to encourage them towards those dreams, but not put all their eggs in one basket. IOW, I think it’s great for a kid to have a dream school as long as the parent is not also treating the school as the dream school and therefore is better able to buffer any disappontment if it occurs.</p>
<p>I can’t help but think of posters who have talked about wanting their kids to attend an Ivy League since they first leaned over them in the crib, and how that impacts how a kid thinks about a dream school. It’s one thing to come up with your own dream school, it’s another thing to have your parents dream of it in front of you - how shattering that disappointment would be.</p>
<p>I wound up looking back at an old thread from 2 years ago where I had listed a bunch of schools I wanted my kids to consider, and D’s eventual school wasn’t even on the list, so go figure.</p>
<p>My D had a dream school since around 8th grade- a music/acting conservatory. Even though she was accepted to other programs, she insisted that the conservatory was a perfect fit. She left after one semester, finding that she missed academics, missed having a large campus atmosphere, and did not enjoy being around all performing arts students 24 hours a day. She ended up transferring to a university with a huge central campus, a diverse student population, and a very small program within the university that she absolutely loves. Fortunately it all worked out, but we wish we had insisted more strongly that she consider other programs!</p>
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<p>Totally agree, great point. Unfortunately too many parents channel their own dreams into their kids, and in many cases it sticks; the kid internalizes the parent’s dream, and the hurt and disappointment are all that much worse for the kid if the dream doesn’t come true, because it also means (in the kid’s mind) that the kid is letting the parent down. So instead of just rejection from the school, which is bad enough, now it’s also intra-familial failure, with the parent disappointed in the kid (or at least the kid experiences it that way) just at the time the kid most needs parental support to get through one of life’s disappointments.</p>
<p>And too often those parental dreams are just unrealistic. I once knew someone who told her oldest son probably every day of his childhood that he was really, really smart and that he was going to go to Harvard, she “just knew it.” (I tried to warn her off that path, but she’d hear none of it; she “just knew it.”) Guess what? Smart kid, great stats, great HS record, every credential in order, but no Harvard, even though it was his dream school by transference from his mother from a tender age, as much a part of his identity as his name, his family, and the neighborhood where he grew up. I don’t know if that kid will ever recover his equilibrium, or overcome the deep, deep feeling that his life is a failure. </p>
<p>I also agree with Pizzagirl’s broader point, that it’s OK for kids to dream so long as their dreams are their own, but parents need to keep a critical distance and not put all their emotional eggs in the kid’s basket, and be ready to throw out an emotional safety net if the dream doesn’t happen. I think my D1 was well prepared in that regard. She had a clear first choice and she really, really wanted it, but she had some backups that she would have been very excited about had #1 not come through. Soundest advice I’ve ever seen on CC is “love thy safety.” A safety needs to be a school that the kid will be genuinely proud and happy and excited to attend—not just a place that you reluctantly settle for if all else fails. IMO, that’s often harder to find than the perfect “reach.” That’s where a little parental foresight and realism can be put to good use, in helping to identify match- and safety-level schools that are genuinely attractive alternatives if the big dream doesn’t come through.</p>
<p>I suspect it is equally difficult for parents to teach their child to “love” a safety school as it is for parents to teach their kid not to fall in love with a “dream school.” You can say it until you are blue in the face . . .</p>
<p>I don’t care what anyone says, I am still pushing my ‘dream’ colleges on my S…at last count I had 35 dream schools on my list. S has none.</p>
<p>The usual suspects…HYS and
Northwestern, Tulane and
Ole Miss, Montana, Wyoming, etc.</p>
<p>It is very hard to get a top applicant to love his/her safeties. I think no matter how good someone´s stats are, he/she would need to dip pretty far down to find a true safety. People who live in states like CA, NC, VA, MI could have their IS as their safety, but not for others.</p>
<p>I don´t even try to convince D2 to love her safeties, just to tolerate.</p>
<p>We came late to the Pitt party, but I think it has pretty much turned into my D’s dream school! Visiting in 2 weeks, if she likes it I think we’ll put down a deposit, even if still applies at a few other places. I really really hope she decides she likes it!</p>
<p>I simply told my son who was rejected by the dream school (the only one to offer exactly his degree program interests), that he could simply attend there for graduate school. He found that perfectly acceptable and has managed to get on the Dean’s list for every semester so far at his alternate school. He seems to be well on his way.</p>
<p>I’m attending one of my safeties after getting accepted at some fairly prestigious LACs. Got an amazing scholarship offer here and now I couldn’t imagine being happier anywhere else. I didn’t have a dream school, but I had a few top choices, one of which I was accepted to. It was a hard choice for about a day, and then I never looked back :)</p>
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<p>Sometimes, it seems that the parents are more obsessed with “dream schools” than the students are.</p>
<p>bclintonk, that is just a heartbreaking story about the kid who didn’t get into Harvard. ),:</p>
<p>The messages we send to kids - it’s very tricky. I always try to make them keep open minds, but when I do that, sometimes I wonder if they think I just don’t believe they could get into the reach schools!.. (Of course I explain how random it gets at the most selective schools, etc.) </p>
<p>I believe they really do read our unsaid feelings about these things, they trust us, and they try to please us. So it feels tricky and a little dangerous to have that kind of importance, when it is their life to live. </p>
<p>Actually, when I went to college, my parents were completely hands-off - I did all the research, applying, visiting, etc. on my own. I imagine that was much more common at that time than now. And then when I went to school, they never pushed me to do any particular major. I did appreciate the freedom. They seemed proud, but not deeply <em>invested</em> emotionally in where I went or how I did.</p>