<p>Response to post #17 by anxiousmom:
Yes, we do seem to have parallel children! And reading your post about how well your son has functioned at college handling travel arrangements for his team, I am reminded of an experience my S had last fall. His club quidditch team travelled from PA to Middlebury College for the Quidditch World Cup one weekend. Son, a sophomore, was one of the two kids who had been cleared to drive the loaned college van. It was just the students making the trip – no quidditch coach, no “adult” along. They had a mechanical problem just as they were about to start the long drive back, and had to contact the college (on the weekend) and arrange for a replacement van so they could get the team back. There were considerable logistics to be arranged and son ended up dealing with them and doing most of the driving back – very demanding, especially after playing their sport intensively that day, after having slept on floors the night before. They got back to campus sometime in the wee hours of Monday morning and managed to make it to their classes. It was a lot of pressure on him, I am sure, but he did fine. As a matter of fact, he considered the experience one of the high points of his college life so far. ;)</p>
<p>I have an only child, he was born independent! He slept over at both sets of grandparents houses at least twice a month from the time he was 6 weeks old until he started having sleepovers at friends houses. We used to joke he would chew his own arm off to get out of the house. I am pretty sure my husband and I are good parents, we did was he was comfortable with. Not that he was making decisions as a baby of course! He wound up going to boarding school, he’s been on many trips without us, including Tanzania where he couldn’t contact us for 15 days. His best friend would not have been comfortable with any of this. I don’t think my son or our parenting decisions are better then his best friend or his parents, just different. I don’t think S is immune from trouble adjusting to college because you can’t control every situation. I am fairly confident he will be fine, even great. I also think his best friend will be fine, maybe his adjustment will be different, but I am confident he’ll find his way.</p>
<p>I am always wary of judging other people’s parenting decisions, especially when it comes to decisions that involve family financial choices.</p>
<p>D1 used to have a friend in middle school who would threaten to throw up every time she slept over, and it would be after mid night. Her mom would tell me to let her throw up because she wasn’t going to pick her up. The first few times I would ask her mom if she is sure her daughter wasn’t really sick. I think in her mother’s own way, she was trying to teach her daughter to be independent.</p>
<p>I once had some new next-door neighbors who had a son the same age as mine, so I invited him over to play. When it was lunch time, I served lunch and the boy started to cry (he was about 6th grade!!!). The mom told me that he “can’t” eat at other people’s homes (not even at his grandma’s home!!)!!! </p>
<p>The mom seemed rather resigned to this oddness, but it was a challenge to me. LOL.</p>
<p>So, I took his lunch to his house and had him take a bite in his kitchen, which he did. Then we walked to his front door and had him take another bite. Then out to his front yard…another bite. Then to the sidewalk, another bite. Then to my front yard, another bite. Then to my door, another bite. Then into my house where he finished his lunch. The whole process did take a long time, but the results were worth it!!! Weirdness over. The mom was grateful, but I was shocked that she has just resigned herself to this odd behavior that she admitted had caused all kinds of problems in previous years (including his refusal to eat his lunch at school!)</p>
<p>Why do parents allow this nuttiness? Why aren’t they more proactive to nip weird “life-limiting” hangups from the get go???</p>
<p>*I am always wary of judging other people’s parenting decisions, especially when it comes to decisions that involve family financial choices. *</p>
<p>I agree. But, I don’t think the issue is a criticism of decision involving financial choices. The issue is making sure your child has some experiences/challenges that expand the comfort zone. That doesn’t have to require money…but it does require some thought. :)</p>
<p>mom2collegekids, I think it’s just so easy to get into “bad” habits. Once the behavior is set you can’t always see a clear way out. My son used a binky until he was four. I only let him have it for naps and bedtime, he was such a good sleeper I was reluctant to give it up. My husband hated it, he worked all the time so it was on me to work on the withdrawal. H was pretty much convinced s would take it too college. I was convinced it would be a 2 week nightmare, our babysitter got rid of it in one night. He was a 15 year old boy. S adored him, one night he couldn’t find the binky, so he told S he was too old for it anyway! He never used it again.</p>
<p>^ Thank you m2ck. I think many people have shared that there are no and/or low cost options, as well as scholarships for traditional academic summer programs. There is also a lot of good old fashioned creative parenting. Every family is different, every child has different needs. Make decisions that are right for you and your child, however money should not be an ‘excuse’ to do nothing.</p>
<p>Mom2collegekids and blueiguana you are both right, I just meant I personally have to be careful about judging! We are financially fortunate, so it sometimes makes things a little too easy.</p>
<p>^acm… I wasn’t pointing fingers. Sorry if it appeared that way (?) I really just wanted to agree with m2ck’s point that there are options for families from high/middle/low income families.</p>
<p>I think it’s just so easy to get into “bad” habits. Once the behavior is set you can’t always see a clear way out. My son used a binky until he was four. I only let him have it for naps and bedtime, he was such a good sleeper I was reluctant to give it up. My husband hated it, he worked all the time so it was on me to work on the withdrawal. H was pretty much convinced s would take it too college. I was convinced it would be a 2 week nightmare, our babysitter got rid of it in one night. He was a 15 year old boy. S adored him, one night he couldn’t find the binky, so he told S he was too old for it anyway! He never used it again.</p>
<p>LOL…reminds me of my friend who had her brother (the uncle) tell her child that it was time to wrap all of his bottles to send to the poor new babies who don’t have any. So uncle and toddler wrapped up the bottles. </p>
<p>I do think we all benefit when we have others help us with these child-rearing issues. A 3rd-party person can often have results that the parents can’t. When my younger son would go #1 in the potty, but not #2, I gave him to my mom for the weekend. She had him doing #2 in no time. :)</p>
<p>I have those same two kids as a couple of the other moms. Quite frankly, I am concerned about the process of the second child going away. DD couldn’t wait to go away for all sorts of things. DS (16 years old) threw a real fit just last night when we told him that we had signed him up for a four-day lacrosse camp later this summer. My concern is that he is scheduled to go on a three-week school trip to Germany next summer and he has not been away on his own. I really do not want a call from there, so we have him scheduled for two short sleep away camps this summer. We did not plan it this way; he has just never been interested in going off on his own. Danged if I know why one can’t wait to leave and the other doesn’t want to. I am not that much fun or that good of a cook.</p>
<p>^ With three, we have night, day, & total eclipse of the sun. All three completely different!</p>
<p>We decided while my oldest son was in middle school that each summer he had to do something different to prepare him for the day he would leave for college. Two years in a row, he did summer programs at two different colleges. They were day programs, but he got the idea of what sitting in a college classroom would be like. Each program was taught by professors. After his freshman year, he went to a sports med camp for four days. Great camp. Its information helped with an anatomy class he took the following year. He also decided medicine was not for him. The second year, it was a Spanish camp. He used that camp to help with Spanish class the following year. The third year, he was gone 28 days at a summer math, science and technology governors school. He loved the people he met and learned a lot about himself. Fortunately, we never paid a great deal for any of the programs, but the experience of being away from home made the transition to college relatively smooth.</p>
<p>We’ve told the younger son he will be going away for a week next summer – just so he sees what it’s like without Mom always there. His choices include cross country camp or jazz band.</p>
<p>Maybe we can come up with ideas of low-cost or cost-free activities a parent can encourage a young person to do to expand his/her comfort zone and gain more independence.</p>
<p>Babysitting!</p>
<p>Volunteering at school, hospital, church’s food pantry, library, soup kitchen, whatever.</p>
<p>Trying new foods! (I had a nephew who would only eat chicken nuggets, cereal, and hotdogs! Wouldn’t even try plain white rice or simple spaghetti! What kid won’t eat a mild sauce spaghetti!)</p>
<p>Doing new chores! (ha ha) But, seriously, this does expand the comfort zone!</p>
<p>Singing in a school or church choir or speaking in front of others (I think that was what Show and Tell was for in kindergarten!!!).</p>
<p>Reading books from a different genre.</p>
<p>Going to a community outdoor free concert. Listening to different music.</p>
<p>Learning patience and delayed gratification! (oh, how many don’t yet have either of those in their comfort zones!)</p>
<p>Hiking!</p>
<p>Planting and maintaining a veg garden. </p>
<p>Pet sitting. (now that can really get one out of their comfort zone when they have to do pet clean up or empty a litter box!)</p>
<p>Try/learn a new sport…tennis, bowling, skating, racquetball, swimming, etc.</p>
<p>Take a painting or drawing class! </p>
<p>Try a new hair style (this may sound odd, but I had a niece who from a young age would freak out if you just wanted to play and try some new ways to wear her hair with barrettes or pony’s or hair clips. I’m not talking about hair cuts, I’m just talking about different hair styles with long hair. She literally came unglued at the thought of doing anything different, because her mom always put her hair the exact same way all the time - just plain combed down. Note to parents of young kids…don’t always do everything the exact same way all the time. LOL It can make for very rigid kids!)</p>
<p>I have 4 kids and they are all different. My second is a homebody. She was never very social with her peers. From pre-school to middle school she was made fun of because of her ever-so-large vocabulary. She had one and she used it, never understanding that communication occurs on different “levels”.
She had no close friends in high school. She was in a few activities (mostly music) but was content to just stay home. No sleepovers, no sleepway camp. Visits to grandparents were accompanied by her sisters.
When she came to me and said she wanted to go to college 600 miles away - I was aghast. How could someone who never left her room from 7th grade on even consider this?
No one inside and outside the family thought she would last. Some of my friends even counseled that this would be an excercise in futility as she would be home in a month. This was 2005.
Well, long story short - she didn’t come home. She stayed in the summers and stayed after graduation. I try to get her to visit me at Christmas and in the summer. Not sure a summer visit will happen this year with work and all. She is still a homebody - just in a different home than mine. I am beginning to understand that if I want to see her, I must go to her. Oh yeah, she has friends now. They are just like her - ;)</p>
<p>Re the original post. I do think there could be a link between never having gone away to sleep and now anxiety about going away to school. Do I fault the parenting style? No. It is the opposite of mine. My kids went away to sleepovers and grandma’s and camp. But do I think it could play a role, yes.</p>
<p>Sometimes it’s more a matter of the individual than the environment.</p>
<p>My kids never went to sleep-away camp and only rarely went to sleepovers or school-sponsored overnights. Neither of them ever spent a night with relatives, and our family vacations were simple and short, usually involving three or four nights spent in a motel at a tourist destination within a few hours’ drive of home.</p>
<p>Neither had any difficulty adjusting to college.</p>
<p>On the other hand, my sister, who grew up shuttling back and forth between divorced parents and also spent periods of time staying with other relatives, who went to sleep-away camp twice, and who had traveled extensively, had a very difficult time adjusting to college.</p>
<p>^^^ Along the lines of people looking for lower/no clost options for their students, but they are ready for a larger jump…</p>
<p>-youth mission trips (chaperoned by adults they know and trust…)</p>
<p>-VTech has a Pre-College-Initiative in their Center for Diversity in Engineering that consists of several 1day events and a few overnights.</p>
<p>-Again, VT offers Imagination 2010, a science/engineering/tech day camp for 7th-8th grade students. One week is $100, although is is clearly sated in bold that no student should not attend due to hardship, ask about many scholarships.</p>
<p>-UVa offers ITE, Introduction To Engineering by their Center for Diversity. A one week residential camp for rising Sr’s. It was fully funded last year (I believe), $400 this year, although scholarships readily available and inquiries were encouraged.</p>
<p>-School EC that may travel on day trips or overnights with coaches, teachers, and mentors they have a relationship with and trust. These may or may not be fully funded, however I have never known a student to be excluded due to need from any activity. There has always been scholarships. Simply my experience.</p>
<p>Obviously there are going to be a multitude of programs all over the country. These are ones I know of based on helping a few students look for programs. Again, this is IF your student is ready for this level of separation.</p>
<p>Other thoughts:</p>
<p>-Various day camps at the YMCA, or community center.</p>
<p>-If your student likes art or plays an instrument, visiting a daycare center and sharing an art project with older children or singing with them. This can be pre-arranged through the director.</p>
<p>The summer camp thing may not be in every family’s budget but I’d encourage everyone to make sure their kid can figure out buses and trains and cabs. Put them on the train to your local big city with some public transit destinations in mind and let them figure it out. Even kids who are headed off to rural colleges may need to make transit connections in cities, and certainly may have jobs or internships there down the road. It’s a big boost in confidence for young people to know they can get around on their own.</p>
<p>I second electronblue. My kids have built tremendous confidence from being able to get from the 'burbs to downtown on public transportation by themselves.</p>
<p>My D has a goal to “explore every continent.” (She has three remaining.) She is very open to trying exotic foods and exploring different cultures. A year in which she has not been abroad makes her feel confined.</p>
<p>Same with my younger daughter- at just turned 20 last week- she still has to go to Australia & South America- she is not so interested in Antarctica ;)</p>
<p>I have known few people in our area, whose kids weren’t big on summer camp, staying over at friends or travel- the ones who weren’t- were usually influenced ( IMO) by their parents wish for tighter control over what they were exposed to- although again, once they went off to college it was difficult because they hadn’t been raised to value other opinions or belief systems. Difficulty also extended to after college- moving back home for extended periods was not uncommon.</p>