You pointed out an interesting aspect of parenting that I’ve come to wrestle with myself, namely, a sudden or gradual realization about your child that catches you by surprise or even shock. That’s what I meant by “know thyself” and “know thy child.”
I started my boys in piano and violin when they were 6 and 5. The younger one displayed lots of enthusiasm and desire to pick up these instruments, although he definitely favored electric guitar from the beginning. The older one seemed interested, didn’t show any signs of disinterest or dislike, and did his daily practices along with his younger brother. Both looked happy not only with learning these instruments but especially when they later joined the local youth symphony at its very beginning level group. All was fine, all went well, and they really seemed to thrive in music, both sharing first chair when they moved up to an intermediate level group.
Then, as they got older and when things started to become evident that the younger one’s musical ability, aptitude and enthusiasm were fast outpacing the older one, hitherto unforeseen tension started to build up between them. The fact that the younger one had an equal natural ability in chess compounded the tension as the younger one amassed chess trophies, eventually becoming the state scholastic chess champion. The older one couldn’t beat the younger one although he was an above average chess player himself.
When I reflect back on that early time period, I think there were build up of deep resentments on the part of the older one. When I recognized it, I had them quit competitive chess but allowed them to play recreational chess should they wish to continue with chess at all. The older one never touched the chess board again after that while the younger one continued to play and established the chess club once he entered high school. He did enter the district chess tournaments a couple of years for fun when his busy high school schedule would allow.
In high school, both my sons became efficient tennis players enough to be first singles players and captain in their senior year, respectively. I was a passionate tennis player when I was a young man, and I introduced the boys to tennis early on and coached them the first few years. One day, though, when the older one was a senior in high school, he caught me by total surprise when he exhibited a sudden emotional outburst that his dream had always been to be a professional tennis player and that music was just a waste of his time and effort. In the state of being shocked by this sudden revelation, all I could do was to let him know that I had NO idea since he had shown absolutely no hint, let alone any expressions to that effect after all these years. He wouldn’t have any of my explanations, though. Of course, I was extremely hurt being not only blindsided by this sudden revelation but also being accused of having – basically – failed as dad.
When our emotions were collected the next day, I told him that he doesn’t have to pursue music and that I’d support him with his passion in tennis with private lessons from a local professional coach, indoor tennis club membership fees for winter tennis, etc. That very day, he dropped music all together and has never picked up either instruments. I was stunned. Not because he decided to drop anything that has to do with music but by the revelation of how WRONG I was about what my own son’s inner happenings. If I had known about this just a few years back, as I told my wife, my life would have been so much easier. I didn’t have to drive him – not to mention any of my younger son’s own music related activities – to his weekly music lessons (during winter, the road to his private teacher’s place was treacherous, and having to sit in the car for an hour for his lesson to finish wasn’t all that fun, either), rehearsals, concerts, recitals, workshops and regional and state orchestras, and most of these activities were at least an hour to two hour drive away. All for naught. The only consolation was the thought that we’re now on the right path. Still, my son resents me deeply to this day, and there’s nothing I can do about that. When he gets older and become a parent himself with kids of his own, perhaps he’ll realize that parents are fallible beings with no power of omniscience.
I’d say I have become a better “sleuth,” though, in deciphering what’s going on in my boys’ minds. When I recognized that my second son was placing all kinds of pressures on himself in order please us, we pulled him back. When he mentioned the word, “valedictorian,” I told him to forget it and opposed the idea of entering that race. When I explained to him how meaningless that was for him, he let it go. If I had encouraged him otherwise, he’d have had much more stressful high school experience.
Both my boys are now finishing up their gap year. For the older one, I encouraged him to take the gap year to have private lessons from a local professional and play tennis to his heart’s content. As a pre-med, he could also use his free time building up his resume, and so he’s been. Thanks to his tennis pro teacher, my son gave up the idea of becoming a tennis professional. No explanation from me would have helped regarding becoming a pro athlete in any field. A stranger’s explanation, boom! things register! My younger son spent this gap year being his older brother’s tennis partner, making music for his YouTube channel, teaching private violin and piano lessons to young kids, volunteering at a local hospital’s ER Dept as well as performing violin to patients and their visitors. This gap year has been a great family bonding year, mending and healing and lots of family fun times traveling, camping and relaxing.
As a confident parent who had always taken much pride in being a keen and astute observer of the inner makeup of human beings, how little did I know of my own children and how little still do I know. At least, I think we’re on the right track…
