<p>If a child was "not selected" for particular school(s) why are they insistent on using the R word.</p>
<p>I refuse to allow my d to even suggest that word.</p>
<p>I believe that the Head of School of Andover said this year "75% of applicants were qualified". But we all understand that no school could take all qualified applicants.</p>
<p>Rejected seems so personal and it isn't.</p>
<p>I have taught my d and my students, everything is not for everybody at the same time.</p>
<p>I am sorry for the tread but I just had to get this out.</p>
<p>I suppose people have so much emotion tied into the application process that it feels that way. But really - it isn’t a reflection on the kid. In another year, given a different pool of students, the decision might have been different.</p>
<p>MIT refers to those students as “not admitted.”</p>
<p>No adult in the process intends to hurt the teenagers who apply. We reach for euphemisms to cover things we really don’t want to look at or think about. Unfortunately, in this process, there are four possible outcomes, accept, reject, waitlist, or application withdrawn. </p>
<p>Rejection hurts. It is personal for the teenagers involved. It reflects the fact that the application, interview, and supporting materials weren’t sufficient to persuade a committee to admit the applicant. </p>
<p>Actually, it’s not a euphemism. It’s more of a fact given there are often 10 applicants for every spot. There are some who might be definite “no’s” but for many others, they’re often very well qualified.</p>
<p>Not admitted is not the same as rejected due to lack of qualifications.</p>
<p>I do think that words matter - and the attempt to rephrase is not an attempt to cover something up. It is the language my own college uses, for example. In another year, in a different pool, a student who was not admitted, might very well get a different outcome.</p>
<p>Agree, Exie. Words do matter. “On any given Sunday” is no different than “in any given admission’s cycle.” I’m sure that for the top schools there is a percentage of absolute admits and a percentage of absolutely unqualified applicants, but that middle 60% is chock full of kids whose fortunes turn on the composition of each year’s applicant pool, among other factors.</p>
<p>I’m not a fan of the admitted kids/parents who take BS or college admission as some sort of Darwinian proof of superiority. You know what? The experience of “rejection” for these folks has just been delayed a bit, until a college says “no,” or a prospective employer, or a boss who promotes someone else, or a lover who moves on to someone new, or a spouse who’s had enough etc. “Rejection” happens to everybody. Context is important. It has nothing to do with trying to use euphemisms to escape reality and everything to do with putting outcomes in a rational perspective, which, in my view, should be something we strive for regardless of whether we notch a “W” or a “L” in the stats column.</p>
<p>This discussion is itself an argument for diversity. When I hear “rejected,” I just hear, “did not get in.” It is now clear to me that for some, “rejected” sounds like, “you are a reject,” or, “you are not qualified to get in.” </p>
<p>As someone who is not a teacher, and not an admissions officer, though, I’m not privy to that fine distinction. Perhaps that helps to understand the (previously) mysterious emphasis some people connected to prep schools would place upon the status of Waitlisted as opposed to Rejected. Waitlisted means, perhaps, this just wasn’t your year? Whereas, rejected means, you would not make it to graduation (in the admissions committee’s estimation.) And yet, the schools reject more than 25% of the applicants, so there must be finer distinctions to be made.</p>
<p>Parlabane, I quite agree that some take admission as proof of personal superiority.</p>
So true. My son was WL at a “top” school. When I called and talked to the admissions person, she looked at the list and said “Oh, I wish he was going to be a Junior, he would have been in.” She wasn’t “just saying that,” it was the number of openings, the strength and diversity of the applicant pool for that class, etc. It really just depends.</p>
<p>I had a similar experience. The admissions head looked at the list, said, “Your son was waitlisted, probably…hmmmm… I really don’t know why he was waitlisted.” FA is my guess, but I could be wrong. Maybe they just had enough kids that ________ and ______ like him. </p>
<p>Doesn’t matter in the end. Getting into every school might have stroked all our egos a bit more, but getting into the one he liked most tells me that things are unfolding as they should and really, makes the way much clearer. </p>
<p>If we do this again, and, unlike oldest son, my son or daughter doesn’t get into the school that they like best, I think I’ll approach the “rejection” differently than I would have this time and just assume that we just haven’t found the right school or it wasn’t the right time. I’ve tended to approach most rejection this way, though it’s not always easy at the time: if I don’t get the job or the baby or the whatever, it’s probably because something else is meant to happen. Having that perspective seems to keep the doors opening…</p>
<p>I think a family’s reaction to not being admitted may have something to do with expectations.
In the simplest case, expectations may simply be set by how much the family likes the school, or to what extent they believe there is a good fit. Nothing wrong with that.
At the same time, most admissions personnel are really nice and welcoming in my experience. Yes, they are screening the candidates, but they are also trying to present the school in a positive light. Having been treated well can translate into believing in having done well at the interviews. Nothing wrong with that either; that’s how the system works.
But I think it is possible for admissions to cross the line, perhaps unwittingly, in expressing their interest in a candidate, whether during the interview or during the follow-up process. While a family should by no means interpret these signals as a guaranteed acceptance, they may naturally experience a greater sense of disappointment in case of a WL or an R.</p>
<p>Great point prepclass. My husband and I were truly impressed by how warm and welcoming prep schools are. They are professionals and nearly all, in our experience at least, do their jobs exceptionally well. I think this is another reason why visiting as many schools as possible is a good idea–while all interviews were positive and upbeat, after a few, both my son and his dad were able to sense, after a while, which went better than others–born out, for the most part by admissions. </p>
<p>I also can see how easily a student/parent might really feel an affinity for a school, only to be rejected/waitlisted. In fact, the more I read on these boards, the more grateful I feel that my son got into the school he wanted–and the more convinced I am that there were many other kids out there just like him who didn’t. There’s no easy answer to any of this…which is probably why we can’t stop worrying the bone!</p>
<p>PC’82, so true. When my son and I took the grand tour of BS’s last winter, one specific HADES school cooed and wooed him so much he just absolutely knew that he was in. Because of the incredible repsonse to my son by everyone at that school, I couldn’t disagree with him. In turn, he adjusted his opinion of that school and it immediately jumped to the top of the list as the most desired. Here, I disagreed with him primarily because I thought that there were other schools that fit him better and, more importantly, he should not fall in love with a school until it offered him the golden ring of acceptance.</p>
<p>Well, you can guess the rest of the story: the school WL’ed him, and he got mad and sad. Because other fine schools, including a HADES school, accepted him, the pain passed quickly but not his memory of that school’s seduction and rejection of him.</p>
<p>So what should a child do when subjected to the wiles and charms of a great school? I think he or she should act like any other person who is the target of another’s affections: Be interested, have fun, enjoy the moment…but never give away your heart until you hear a proposal for marriage. </p>
<p>Not sure if anything should be done differently. Perhaps one thing: parents may want to moderate the remarks they’ve received at their interview, before relating them to the child. This must be very difficulty to do for most people, especially during a long drive home after an exciting visit.
I read you loud and clear, toombs61, and I can tell you from personal experience that a WL can be considerably more upsetting than an R, depending on earlier communications.
And while I agree with an earlier post that the kids have to get used to rejection sooner or later, lets not forget they are only 13.</p>
<p>Thanks, PC’82. Like most fairy tales, everything has turned out great for my son in the end. He loves the school he now attends beyond our wildest dreams. In fact, if he had received an offer from, instead of being placed on the WL by, the BS that seduced him, things would have been difficult for him and my family. </p>
<p>First, I would have had a very tough time convincing him that such school was not his best fit. (Heck, he already had that school’s pennant hanging in his bed room, and, yes, it was the only BS item displayed anywhere in our house.) </p>
<p>Second, assuming that I failed in convincing him to turn down that school’s offer (which is a reasonable assumption), I’m pretty sure that this school could have never lived up to the rarified dreams he had about it and him. I guess that we’ll never know.</p>
<p>But this I do know: because he was WL’ed by the school of high charm and seduction, my son now attends a school that loves him, that fits him so incredibly well and that grows on him daily like a thick, beautiful warm cloak of dazzling colors. </p>
<p>I really REALLY hate it when schools do that. It’s why I put up the “Hell” analogy in one of my other posts about “recruiting.” I don’t think it’s a fair thing to do to a child. College is bad enough, but middle school students are more vulnerable to the “seduction” and so are their parents. They know the vast majority (almost 90%) of the kids applying in any one year will not be admitted.</p>
<p>However - I also know that some kids who are really loved by their interviewer or Adcom do get campaigned for when the time comes. Everyone is advocating for their choices and there isn’t enough room for them all. So sometimes it’s not often false hope - but still, you are right, we had to “manage” expectations here at home while my child was in the midst of “euphoria” from her tours.</p>
<p>I was glad that the rejections came via email before the acceptances and waitlist letters. She had time to manage her disappointment before the “real” payoff came in the form of admissions packets from several others. I know for many students, not being admitted does feel like a personal “failure” even if it wasn’t.</p>
<p>Which is why I noted that it was a staff member at the school we ultimately chose, who told her “The right school will pick the child, and the child will pick the right school.”</p>
<p>That made their acceptance that much more special and the “not admit” emails a lot easier to swallow.</p>
<p>Still - did you read that “confessions” essay someone posted a link to a while back? I wish Adcom’s would stop whipping kids into a frenzy knowing the answer may ultimately be no. I don’t believe in fueling false hope.</p>
<p>Throughout this process we have learned so much and surely have a leg up for college.</p>
<p>My d had such a mature attitude about selecting a bs. She would not even number the choices until decisions came in. She was truly of the mind set, “why get excited until I see who selects me”. She knew for sure she wanted bs but of our 7 choices we knew that she would be happy to go to anyone. Thus after the first selection, which was Miss Porter’s School at 12:05am, the rest was just icing on the cake. </p>
<p>The only school that did not select her was her private second choice. As I reflected on the school I understand that the school was right, they were not the right fit for her and I am happy they didnt offer a spot because I would have had to find a reason to say no. </p>
<p>I strongly believe that when college admissions comes along I will be under so little stress that I will be floating on air compared to bs admissions.</p>
<p>I truly believe in “fit” and and “the process”.</p>
<p>I am still standing strong in “not selected, not admitted” but never rejection.</p>
<p>My "soon-to-be’ bs daughter has taught me so much though the process. I guess that is why I am going to work and she will be at bs:-).</p>
<p>I too, have learned a great deal. I repeated over and over again, “Trust the process. They know their schools better than you do. They are very good at their jobs.” I didn’t always believe it, but I tried to. </p>
<p>While I can’t say that the two denials were the Wrong Schools and would have been disastrous for him, I can say that the four admits were absolutely great choices for him. As for the 4 WL? We didn’t really think about them. He had offers in hand.</p>
<p>I have one incredibly LUCKY and GRATEFUL boy.</p>
<p>Well just remember, that your daughter “rejected” all the offers she didn’t accept. Schools don’t take it personally, and your family shouldn’t either. They are trying to accept students that will choose to come there (looks better for their yield) so maybe the other school knew that it wasn’t the best fit and your daughter was likely to say no…or maybe like others have suggested the year was off…so they protected their yield stats and cut her, or they had too many girls that did X. Anyway, there are too many factors to say why she was not accepted, “rejected”…but who cares…things work out for a reason. --My D was “rejected” from a school she would have probably chosen (and the person interviewing us told us she would get in!)…but we were not thrilled with the school and took the rejection as Divine intervention!!! :)</p>
<p>So funny…when our son got IN to the school that was his first choice but that my husband was least thrilled with, we took that as divine intervention…so I guess d.i. works both ways? ;)</p>
<p>My daughter didn’t “reject” her offers. She politely declined them and called each school. </p>
<p>I agree with Alexzmom - rejection means turned down for a negative reason. Actually, she was thrilled and let each school know how much she appreciated them for considering her.</p>
<p>Yes - some kids are “rejected” and will never know that decision will not change no matter how many times they try. But others simply can’t be accommodated.</p>
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