<p>I am new here and really need advice for a logical, rational conversation with my child that will be going to college. </p>
<p>I need advice of how to discuss issues with my son. He and his high school sweetheart made the college choice together. While the school teaches what both want to major in, they are not making their choices as individuals. They have been bf/gf since 9th grade and now are planning intertwining their college plans. He is unorganized and lacks time management and both will be barely 18 when college starts. They have disclosed the sexual realm of their lives has begun and while my wife and I like her, we love our son and want them both to think of their great individual potential. Coming from a small country school of 700 to the largest state school will be overwhelming enough without the struggle of keeping up with each other. She has already thought of breaking up because of not wanting her life preplanned. While we realize we will have no say, we want to guide them by trying to give the best advice we can about being mature and finishing their educations before taking on the aspect of marriage and parenthood. We need advice from parents with wisdom and who understand our concerns.</p>
<p>This has been done. They are pretty much in the same situation that we are. We are wise enough to know that trying the keep them apart is not going to happen. They have both already been accepted to the school (even though S has gotten half tuition to a private school), and because they will both turn 18 in a little over a month, we can’t and do not want to force them into a school that is not reputable for their individual majors, and neither do we want to force them to a school where they will be unhappy and unlikely to study.</p>
<p>knot – I think this is a situation where it would be best to lay low. Be supportive of your son without commenting on his gf. Odds are overwhelming that they will part ways once they’re in college - especially since she is already clearly ambivalent about their relationship. I suspect your son knows this too, and it would both hurt and possibly alienate him if you brought this up. Keep the lines of communication between you open and in good health because your son may need you more than ever if/when the relationship with this young woman comes to an end.</p>
<p>Actually, the big state school is probably the best place the two of them could end up together (if that is what is meant to be) because if (or more likely when) they break up, there is a much better chance of being able to keep distance and move on without changing schools.</p>
<p>Think of how uncomfortable it could be for them to decide which of them (or both) will leave a small LAC because they can’t avoid each other.</p>
<p>I agree that there isn’t much you can do at this point but lie low and be supportive of you kid’s educational goals.</p>
<p>The odds of them making it through first semester are pretty slim. On the other hand, talking about breaking up midway through their senior year is not going to be appreciated. They have all that “senior” stuff to do and of course, there’s prom etc etc. </p>
<p>I think the most important thing both you and your wife can do is keep the lines of communication open. Either she will be breaking up with him or vice versa… and the last thing you want is for him to avoid talking to you for fear of hearing, “I told you so” or “you should have listened to me.”</p>
<p>Do not minimize their feelings for one another. The truth is, no matter who comes after, they will forever have a soft spot for the other regardless. And too… I know two couples who went out in HS, broke up in college and ran back into each other after college, dated for awhile, broke up again and yet… both have now been married close to 20 years!</p>
<p>A friend of mine offered this perspective to her H upon the occasion of ther s and gf both opting for the same school: He’s going of to a new experience/phase of life; I am glad he’ll have at least one person with him who truely cares about him.</p>
<p>Just keep in mind that the “wrong reason” can still lead a person to the “right place” – I’m assuming that “largest state school” probably equates with “flagship” or “best” for your state; it is also probably a place where other high school friends will also attend; and it it probably offers good resources for your son’s planned major as well as plenty of options if he decides to change majors. </p>
<p>I’d say, stay out of it. Keep in mind that if they attend different schools they may still try to maintain a long-distance relationship, meaning frequent trips off campus on weekends to see one another – and that can be far more disruptive to studies than a relationship sustained with someone nearby.</p>
<p>I think everyone’s advice is right on. I dated a boy who ended up going cross-country to school, but we stayed “together” and even got engaged (without telling our parents). My dad told me he didn’t want us dating anymore. When I told him I was old enough to make my own decision, he said, “But I need to help you make the RIGHT decision.” Ooh, that didn’t go over so well! I still remember EXACTLY how I felt - angry and determined!</p>
<p>Of course we broke up eventually, but it wasn’t because of my parents! Hang in there, and know that everything will work out OK. Good luck!</p>
<p>Going to the large public U will likely resolve the issues next fall, especially if the g/f is thinking about options. Once they get there, they will be surrounded by new people and activity choices, making it easier to go separate ways. I presume they will live in the dorms- maybe not even the same one- surrounded by others who want to go to supper together, hang out and do things. In your small town there are no new people or activities to give them a reason to break up- especially if peer pressure has them as a couple. College life revolves around individuals, not couples, so a lot of social life happens with groups who don’t have attachments.</p>
<p>Be thankful they are not thinking of marriage or even an engagement before college- they can reinvent themselves and go separate ways without any concern about their HS friends’ opinions.</p>
<p>I worried about my son and time management- he was only 16 (almost 17) at a large public U and did fine- if you discount a very sloppy room. Schools offer all sorts of help for incoming freshmen, including study management tips. Being away from home and having to take care of things is often the incentive to do it. The son who needed parents to wake him up after his alarm was buzzing did just fine. Consider this- despite what you may think about your son’s ability to cope, he is doing well enough to graduate from HS, got accepted to the U and must have shown promise or his HS teachers and guidance counselor never would have written letters of recommendation. There will be peer support and support through the dorm and college. They are used to new freshmen and guiding them around the pitfalls we parents worry about. Your son wants to succeed and will surprise you. BTW, don’t expect him to get stuff ready for college this summer- you will probably scout out the goods alone and run into many mother-daughter pairs in the stores.</p>