<p>Aww, thanks. I didn't mean to fish for sympathy. I was just illustrating the difference between then and now. :)</p>
<p>I was a late child (mom was over 40) and my dad finished hs but my mom only 8th grade because of rural family circumstances in 1920s. I was the first to go to college. They couldn't help other than to write the checks. Mom went with me to visit and came to parent orientation. I don't recall my Dad coming to campus until graduation.</p>
<p>I ended up not going to the state u with all my hs friends but to a well-regarded private u. Why? I was valedictorian with 35 ACT comp, but I was the only child at home and my parents were nearing retirement. Couldn't get any FA. Met the private U admissions rep in a meeting I attended as a favor to my younger friend. He offered merit money on the spot. Even tho it was still more expensive that state u, my parents were so impressed I had been offered 4 yrs merit aid, they agreed I should go there. I did have an old used car, a B&W TV, and a stereo, plus a phone in the dorm room but long distance was expensive. </p>
<p>H grew up in Europe. Mom finished 8th grade, dad forced to drop out to help the family. H went to public boarding school (very common) from age 14-15 on. Did all the prep all by himself. His folks did not have a car until he was in HS and no phone until he had graduated from college. </p>
<p>I agree that technology, especially cell phones, make it easier for us be in on our kids' lives. The internet has revolutionized the college app process. H & I are both college profs so we could offer our kids insights into various schools, read the jargon, and tell them what to look out for. Advising was terrible at S1s public institution and he needed guidance, essentially to avoir pitfalls. S2 is pretty much left on his own to register, but the course sequences are very strictly laid out and there's not a lot of room to deviate.</p>
<p>My parents were immigrants (not college-educated) and their view was that one needed a college degree to get ahead financially, but they certainly didn't worry about the "right fit". The good old state U (in my case it was a good one--University of Michigan) was just fine. My folks definitely weren't involved in my college choice. (The contrast between their involvement and that of H and me with our kids' choice is huge.) I got a scholarship from the state that covered my tuition and my folks paid for room/board (which was very cheap back in the mid-70s). Other than that, I was pretty much on my own. In contrast, our kids often call and ask for advice on classes, majors, etc. etc. Sometimes they follow it, other times they don't. My H's parents were hands off like mine. While they weren't immigrants, they lived in a small town in western PA where everyone went to the local steel mill after high school, joined the union, and got a job that paid fairly well and stayed their for life (or until the mill shut down). Their mindset was that "people like us don't send their kids to college." H didn't want to work in the steel mill, couldn't figure out how he'd pay for college (there weren't any counselors in his school who could offer info on financial aid other than telling him he was smart enough to go), so he joined the Marine Corps along with a few of his friends. This was during Vietnam, and when H returned home, he had the GI Bill and put himself through college and then got funding (fellowships/assistantships) for graduate school and became a college professor (he isn't anymore). In comparison, our kids knew we expected them to go to college and we were lucky enough that we had the financial resources for them to go where they wanted. I don't know if that makes them less independent than their parents or if that makes us helicopter parents. I think that the biggest difference is that the economic/social/educational environment in which my kids grew up was light years removed from that of their parents.</p>
<p>About 20 years ago, H's best friend was telling us about HIS search for a college for his daughter. I said that my parents had left my college search and choice up to me. Friend said that my parents obviously didn't love me since they left me on my own. Twenty years later, I haven't forgotten the remark and I am determined that my S will make his own choice with guidance from us if he wants it.</p>
<p>My parents didn't go to college. They expected their children to do so - and all got post-graduate degrees. </p>
<p>My college search was reading the 3" thick College Guide and sending away for information to a whole slew of colleges with my intended major. (The mailmen was not my friend that year.)</p>
<p>I never visited any college. I chose my school based on financial aid and a parental limit of ~1000 miles distant from home.</p>
<p>My folks dropped me off on move-in day and they were in such a hurry to get home to a younger sibling left with a relative, that they went home with my typewriter and guitar still in the car.</p>
<p>We talked on Sunday afternoon's when they called at a pre-arranged time. The next time they came to campus was for my graduation. I don't remember ever seeing any other student's parents on campus - ever.</p>
<p>None of us ever thought that this was strange. My parents were supportive and interested - but there was no expectation (on their side or mine) of involvement. </p>
<p>Come to think of it, they never visited the city I lived in during graduate school, either. That worked out OK too.</p>
<p>cpt, I don't know when 'your day' was, but back in MY day (early 80's), we did have a weekend that was set aside for family visits, with planned activities. I think for Freshmen it was 'parents weekend', for sophomores 'mothers weekend', for juniors 'fathers weekend'. And there was nobody available to help me move in and out, so my parents absolutely helped me on the years that they drove me. My senior year I had a car and did it all by myself.</p>
<p>So I guess even 'back in the day', experiences were different for different kids.</p>
<p>I do agree with the difference technology makes. My parents couldn't have afforded a collect call every day from me, and letter were just a pain.</p>
<p>I was single parent household child (Dad died when I was in 6th gr.). Mom did not go to college. Finances were tight. I applied to one sch.,the state u. one hour from home where sis and half of my h.s also went. Never saw the whole campus until Orientation. I attended Fresh Orientation with a h.s friend. Mom dropped me off on move-in day. I moved out by myself at the end of the year stuffing everything I owned in a '72 Ford Pinto. Moved myself in and out from then on. </p>
<p>We usually talked once a week. Mom had no input on classes. She didn't know anything about them. She just assumed I would be fine and when I wasn't once, she somehow scraped up the money for me to re-take the class in summer school. After a transfer and my getting married, I think Mom was mostly relieved to attend my graduation!</p>
<p>DH's Mom never went to college. His Dad went one year, then the money ran out. DH applied to one state u. just as I did. His parents never came back between move-in day and graduation. </p>
<p>Our two S's have followed suit, each applying to the State u. they liked and that's where they are now, no angst or big decison making involved. After the initial move-in. S1 has handled all of his moves (dorm, apt, house) on his own. S2 is a freshman but I'm anticipating he will do the same. We talk every week to ten days. They run things by me and I give my opinion. Sometimes they take my advice and sometimes they don't! We're try to let them find they own way unless it's some big life altering kind of thing.</p>
<p>My trainer at the gym last year (he's about 33) went to our state school and was telling me tales of how things have changed. He could have gone in NYC or CT but came here to get further away from home. The only phone was a pay phone in the lounge and students would line up to use it on Sunday's. His mom expected the call religiously and when he overslept and forgot about it, was paged and the RA came to see him to remind him to call....if it was now she would be IM'ing and calling his cell...worry is worry, it just adjusts with the time.</p>
<p>I remember well the Sunday night phone calls to the only phone on the dorm hall. Am I the only one here who instructed my roommate to tell my parents I was "at the library"? After both parents had died, I found a stack of the letters I had written them during those first years of college. It was pathetic how little I shared with them that was true.</p>
<p>I wrote letters home, and called only in an emergency (collect - we'd talk the minimum 3 minutes then if business wasn't finished they would call me back) Back then in-state long distance was more expensive than out of state for some known-only-to-ma-bell reason.<br>
My mother saved my letters, and a few years ago she gave them all to me. It was a real wake-up call. I thought I was sophisticated and independent. What comes across in the letters was sillly and demanding. Many contain multiple requests to mail something (my purple shirt, I think it must still be in the dryer) or do something (can you go to the mall and pick up some bright yellow towels for a wedding present for Janet so when I get there next weekend I don't have to waste time shopping? - yes, I really said that to my mother)
I wonder if anyone else has had that mirror held up to their own memory... it was pretty humbling.
We had Father's weekend in the fall (football game) and Mother's weekend in the spring (Greek songfest and some headliner concert with expensive tickets). I guess the expectation was that both parents couldn't come at the same time due to siblings and home responsibilities. My dad never came... I think I may have mentioned it once? Or maybe I just figured he wouldn't want to? .... My mom came one year because the sorority made a big deal and pressed us to invite them. Maybe she would have liked to come other times? No web page, no email, no notice. They were indeed different times.</p>
<p>"Am I the only one here who instructed my roommate to tell my parents I was "at the library?"</p>
<p>When I was a freshman, in 1979, I did not have a set time for calls. We did however have a phone in our room. My roommate would always--and I mean every single time--tell my parents that I was "at the library" whenever they called me and I was not there. </p>
<p>Being my parents, they knew me and knew that this was not true, so it became a family joke. They knew I got my work done but I was not in the library every time I was not in my room.</p>
<p>Once when I hadn't made it back to the dorm the previous night, my roommate answered an early morning phone call from my Mom. A drama major, roomie was quick on the draw with a line and told my Mom I had gotten up early to go out to meet a friend for breakfast at MacDonald's,lol. </p>
<p>Don't know why she threw MacDonald's in unless she just thought it made the lie more authentic sounding.</p>
<p>Oh this brings back memories. At the end of freshman year, I had been dating now-dh for a while. My roommate moved out and I had a day with the room to myself before my parents were to come and move me out. So, let's just say future-dh and I were romantically occupied -- I lived on the second floor and the window was open -- and I HEARD MY PARENTS' VOICES BELOW asking someone to let them up. OMG, I have never moved so fast in my life, LOL. Luckily we're quick thinkers so by the time they made it up, he was "just helping me pack."</p>
<p>Dragonmom, oh, I can relate to your post, and I agree it is humbling. When my nearly-adult children seem terribly irresponsible to me, I just remind myself of the really dumb things I did when I was that age, and realize that my kids are actually in pretty good shape!</p>
<p>My son got an apartment, university owned and very nice this past year. Until then, he had lived in a dorm with roommates, and I always stayed at the hotel when I visited. I had to make an unscheduled visit to him due to some issues of his (not a surprise visit, just unscheduled). Did not make reservations at the hotel, and was not interested in paying the cost for this trip that I had not wanted to make. Boy, did I make the the two of them in the apt do a dance when they found out that I was staying the night in that nice single room of son's. They were planning a get together there that night, and it had to get moved well away from the apartment ( I suspect a keg was ordered). And son, sleeping on the living room couch that night did not even go the the event since Mom was there, not a couple of miles away in a hotel. I enjoyed that night's sleep in thefreshly cleaned apartment that we were paying for, thehastily picked up room in the apt, the newly made up bed in the room, the newly washed linens I had provided on the bed.</p>
<p>According to my mum, who has been teaching in the same university for 20+ years, parents are much worse today than they used to be. She gets parents phoning up for their kids if they aren't accepted, parents phoning up if their kids don't get the grades they think they deserve, parents phoning up to check on admissions status. </p>
<p>Last week, she was running a stall at a college fair, and a mother came up to ask for a sticker for her daughter. My mum assumed this was because her daughter was busy talking to another rep. She wasn't. She was standing 10 feet away, too shy to ask for herself. </p>
<p>I remember moving in to my college room on my first day (in 2004) - one of the first things we had to do was register our computers personally with the computer services office. I saw quite a few parents being turned away because their child hadn't come to do it themselves.</p>
<p>I agree that parents are far more involved than they used to be. The sticker is not a really good example. I get stuff like that cuz I want them, My son is not interested in collecting things like that so I am not getting the stuff for him. I picked up some cute little thingies at some of college events, like pens, memo pads, etc and my son would not have bothered.</p>
<p>Hmm, could be. But the way my mum told it, the mother said her daughter wanted the sticker but couldn't come and get it. That's why my mum assumed the daughter was busy talking to someone else. </p>
<p>In any case, it's the phone calls that seem strangest to me. I would have died a thousand deaths if my parents had phoned up admissions to complain about me not being accepted somewhere!</p>
<p>In the UK we have a process called Clearing - basically, universities that still have spaces in July/August re-open applications for people still looking for a place. It's essentially a fast-track application system, often including a short telephone interview. They now have to specifically state that parents who ring up for their kids will NOT be dealt with.</p>
<p>I justify a lot of the interest because of the financial investments parents have to make which is a lot and expected from the colleges. It is nigh impossible for kids to pay their way through college these days directly out of high school, particularly the residential ones. In my day, it was possible with work, loans, scholarships. But the private schools are now way out there and parents most of the time need to be involved big time financially. And don't ask someone to invest that kind of money and keep his snout out of what is happening with it.</p>
<p>But for admissions and other issues, it does boggle my mind when a parent gets so involved. Especially when it is made clear the way the process works. I also think kids are much more dependent on parent than my generation was. They may be more street wise in many ways, but less independent in others.</p>
<p>"And don't ask someone to invest that kind of money and keep his snout out of what is happening with it."</p>
<p>No, I completely agree - I think a high level of interest is absolutely justifiable. What I don't agree with is parents taking on tasks - like calling up admissions - that kids should do for themselves. I agree that my generation is very dependent on our parents, and I think that kind of thing just encourages it.</p>