Have you run into “therapy speak” from your kids?
Discussion about “boundaries”, “self-realization”, labeling of people with personality disorders?
Discussion of “abuse”, “trauma”, “PTSD”? Thoughts?
I used “therapy speak” with my own parents to set healthier boundaries when I was in the throes of helping with caregiving and working through my father’s alcoholism and his verbal abuse. So, I would not begrudge my child striving for self care if she needed it. Hopefully though we’ve created a safer and more predictable home environment than I had growing up (or even in my adulthood).
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I haven’t heard this from my kids, but I read an interesting article yesterday about mental health interventions- it was a study in Australia but basically the mental health interventions that they tried (through schools) was a complete flop- most kids found their mental health got worse and in particular their relationships with their parents got much worse (and this tended to last even months later).
found the article:
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Why is this threatening to you?
I wish I’d been able to be forthright with my own parents.
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Sometimes “therapy talk” is not rooted in enough expertise and understanding to be properly labeled, which creates problems. Either for people who mischaracterize minor relationship conflict as trauma or for people who actually do suffer trauma and find themselves with a lot of “company” who don’t know the first thing about actual trauma. There seems to be a desire to label negative emotions as “anxiety” or “depression” when these are passing feelings and not something to be counseled or medicated away. My D22 and I had a great conversation about this recently. And here is an interesting article (gift link)
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My husband and I were discussing this NYT article last night. I find it frustrating because it minimizes actual mental health challenges by categorizing normal life bumps as trauma etc.
Freddie DeBoer writes on this topic often, if anyone is interested his Substack is interesting.
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I brought this up in the other thread. My daughter is using buzz words with me like needing to prioritize her self care, needing to working on being an autonomous adult, and needing me to respect her boundaries.
She started going to therapy earlier this year to deal with anxiety mainly caused by a very stressful job. Then she was dealing with trauma from a past romantic relationship she does not care to share with me. There seems to be some new issue or diagnosis all the time. She later in the year lost that job, which hasn’t helped her overall disposition. Hopefully she has another job soon, she’s in final interviews.
I have not seen therapy helping her at all. I think she’s so in her own head and focused on her problems, real and fictitious. I see a lack of grit and resiliency, combined with a self centeredness that’s extremely concerning to me. I will admit, I may have an inherent bias toward psychotherapy. Internally I’m concerned that we’ve coddled her too much and she’s just flailing at adulting.
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Did you mean to reply to me?
I’m not “threatened”. But I’m increasingly concerned from what I hear from many parents around me.
[quote=“blossom, post:4, topic:3650819”]
I wish I’d been able to be forthright with my own parents.
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This is the biggest concern of many parents. The inability to have a real conversation with their kids about problems between them without being cut out immediately with “therapy speak”. The seeming inability of “seeing the other side”. The instant “no contact” solution to relationship problems. It’s rampant. Excuses for every problem (it’s always “mom” if you’re wondering).
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No therapy speak, but plenty of Army speak:
Me: Did you buy your tickets yet?
DS: Can confirm.
Me: What time do you land?
DS: 15:36
Me: Are you checking luggage?
DS: Roger that.
Sigh.
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Re-write…Gonna make it to see us?
Kid: yes!
You: Great! ETA? Can’t wait to see you!
Kid: 15:36 landing.
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I think for many people my age, Gen X, we were neglected, ignored, latch key kids. Most of us had no father in the home. I was an orphan by high school. When I set out to have kids, I intended to raise them completely differently than the way I was raised. I stayed home with my four when they were little. I was a room mom in their classes. Everyone had a parent at the sport or activity, that’s if one of us wasn’t the coach. We sacrificed to give them what they wanted and needed. Everyone got a car at 16 and a college education free and clear. They have two parents who are still married and devoted to each other… and we still did it wrong??? Lol.
You dated a jerk, that is not trauma. You have a stressful job, not generalized anxiety disorder. You’re kind of a perfectionist, that doesn’t mean you have obsessive compulsive disorder. I will fully admit I’m having a very hard time relating to all the therapy speak. The no contact trend is terrifying to me.
I feel like this generation maybe needed to fend for themselves a bit more? I’m not sure.
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Yes, Gen X, raised by wolves. I recall getting suspended in high school and successfully keeping it from them by intercepting the mail. My parents visited me at college once, when I graduated. Never in grad school. They visited once when I moved north, when Thing 1 was born. (Thing 2? No visit).
As for therapy, I go back and forth on this. I also have a history with therapy, not a good one. I don’t oppose it in principle, but I think it can become a crutch, an excuse for whatever is viewed as insurmountable: “Well, I’m suffering from ‘A,’ which explains why I’m doing poorly at ‘B.’” And no progress is made.
When yeah, it can just be life. Life can be a bich; we are not guaranteed a good life.
I know we try, probably more so than any other parental generation, to be there for our kids and support them, but maybe that’s not such a great idea all the time, in every circumstance.
That said, mental heath problems are not something to ignore.
I guess I err on the side of trying to be respectful and trying to really listen to what my kids tell me is going on. Trying to come up with solutions, if that’s what they want to hear. And I hope that they grow and find coping mechanisms to help them through their problems.
Kind of OT but not really: Right now my D19 is facing what to her is a major crisis. She’s got a job offer that requires going far away. It’s a contract, for six months.
The job comes with company housing. She cannot bring her cat.
Her cat is a designated emotional support animal; she has a letter from her therapist & everything. But that won’t cut it for this type of scenario: it doesn’t fall under any kind of federal/housing protection. And if she decides to make a big deal out of this, she knows this company will probably say “who needs this?” and move on to the next candidate.
She’s very upset, and I feel horrible for her, but, ya know, this is an easy one for me. She leaves the cat with us and takes the job.
It’s not so easy for her. She says she can’t sleep at night without the cat. Is this a reflection of anything to do with mental health? Or her using her reliance on the cat to not address other issues? (This is NOT a loving cat at all; we call her the emotional support wolverine.)
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From my kids, we mostly hear Radio Silence 
That’s OK - they are happy and independent, and we know they love us.
For important stuff, they step up and do the right thing. (Example - flying all night to be at Granny’s funeral even though we told him we understood it was not practical to get there.)
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For quite a few years, “Mom, I’m so stressed!” was what I heard from D about every other sentence, literally. She seems much more relaxed now and I rarely hear her say that anymore. She sees a therapist regularly.
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LOL. My Navy guy is exactly the same! It cracks me up.
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Started a “therapy speak” thread.
This. Don’t tell me about “stress”. I had “generalized anxiety disorder” from the moment you were born.
As your dad would say…“Get over it.”
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For sure this is true, but the answer is to get a different therapist, not to conclude “My relationships with my family stinks, I hate my job but the idea of finding another one paralyzes me, I have no friends I can talk to- oh well, therapy is one more thing in my life that doesn’t work”.
I didn’t find it a crutch- I found it a tool. It helped me find new ways to relate to people instead of retreading the same road and kicking up the same turf with the same ending. It also turned the lens on ME- what was I doing to contribute to a messy or toxic situation, and what could I do NOT to contribute but to sit back.
I have MUCH better relationships at work- even with people who theoretically should drive me crazy, and it’s improved my friendships, family, etc. 5000 percent if that’s even a thing.
Sometimes you need a skilled and trained outsider to get you OUT of your own head, and to realize that if 6 things in your life are going badly, the only common denominator is YOU. Own it, fix it, move on… and fire the therapist once the work is done.
I know I’m mean and nasty- but I know a few “no contact” situations IRL and in every single case, my initial reaction (to myself) was “it’s about time” or “good for you, kid. Didn’t know you had it in you”. The parent may think “I’m devoted, I’m making sure you never struggle, here’s a car because you got all A’s this semester”. But at some point in early adulthood it can translate to some big time smothering and controlling behavior. Parent gives the kid a down payment on a condo (which is beyond generous, don’t get me wrong) but then throws a fit if the kid doesn’t show up for brunch on Sunday. “What do you mean you have plans? I bought you a condo”. Kid leaves his prestigious law firm for a public defender job- parent throws a fit, “We didn’t buy you a condo so you could make peanuts, and you never consulted us about your career move”.
I think for some young people, going no contact is the only way to gain some breathing room and perspective before trying to reengage with the parent on a more adult standing. We all mean well- but parenting doesn’t come with an instruction manual, and some kids and relationships are just more fraught than others.
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I get that. But did those conversations ever take place between kid and parents?
Face to face? Any parties willing to go for the show down?
Or was the easy way out to avoid that conflict at any cost? For no real reason since if you lose then the end result is the same if you didn’t try at all?
And you “therapist” just labels all your family as people to cut contact with since they don’t “support” you.
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We can’t say that though, or we’re the jerks.
Yes. I get you. Know how many times I’ve watched even a Hallmark movie and “mom” is the person who is cause of all trauma? My husband cringes by now every time I say "of COURSE it’s all MOM’s fault that life isn’t PERFECT for a capable adult who s!hould be adulting by now and just can’t get on with life? REALLY?
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