I’m all for my daughter becoming an autonomous adult, but then be an adult, you know? We provided her with a car, she’s on our insurance, on our health insurance, we pay for her phone. It’s not fair if she feels interrogated when we ask her to get her oil changed or get a smog check. We’re not trying to cause her anxiety. We own the car and have to license it. It’s also not fair to ask us to subsidize her medical copays so she can see a therapist every week but then think it’s intrusive when we ask how it’s going. She wants all the benefits of being an adult without the responsibilities of being an adult.
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Recently, I disagreed with my daughter about her interpretation of a stressful event. I was on the do-not-speak list for several days for “being unsupportive” and “not validating her experience.”
I need to get better at interpreting requests for input to see if they’re asking for objective opinion or simply support, I guess.
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Excuse me. Did you snatch my D when I was not looking? 
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Maybe the fact that they are using “therapy speak” is a positive indication that they are discovering and learning and making good use of their therapy time and $.
I’m floored at some of the comments in this thread in not a positive way.
Everyone is entitled to an opinion - you, and myself. But with all the very clear mental health issues in our country I cannot believe people - family members! - would knock someone taking care of their mental health. Would you do that if they were flaunting their physical health?
You may think you know your child best…but actually, the one who know them best is their own self.
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There are a lot of kids who seem to think they’re owed the condo and also no interference from mom and dad. If you want to be a grown up, then you should probably act like one.
Sorry didn’t mean to reply directly to you!
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I’m not convinced therapy is always helpful and I’m not convinced all therapists are ethical.
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Nor are all doctors. Or engineers. Or teachers.
That’s human nature . But the overwhelming majority of professionals are just that, professional.
Therapy may not be for you. Or you may never find out if it’s for you. But rest assured, you don’t have to look far in your friend circle, work circle, and lively family circle to see that it’s a positive life line for many.
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I’ve seen this in my (moderately extended) family, people I know well enough to know a fair amount of what is going on but I admit not 100%.
I have seen multiple people engage in therapy and then come to the conclusion that they need to end a relationship, cut somebody off, make a drastic change, etc because another person is “toxic“ or they aren’t on a path to fulfillment, or whatever.
In my family this has never ended well. The same problem that people were experiencing before the drastic change pop up again months or years later. Because the other person/situation wasn’t the problem. The stuff going on inside them is what the problem was, and it wasn’t actually addressed.
I agree that a good therapist is going to help someone see that and address it. But there seems to be a lack of good therapists that my family have connected with.
The truth is, relationships are hard and messy. We all make mistakes. We all have patterns that are damaging to ourselves and to others. And developing long-term, deep relationships is going to necessitate more grace than we want to give. And there are some things that we will just have to keep forgiving, that will never change.
In my experience, there are either therapists that are glossing over that fact, or who are not communicating it clearly enough that patients really understand it, because I think too many people are taking the route that they think is “self-help“ but it is really hurting their ability to develop deep & meaningful relationships, even when they are hard.
(and all the caveats…absolutely, we need to speak up for what we need, and there are patterns of behavior that are so damaging that we shouldn’t put up with them no matter what, and… All of that stuff. Which I guess might be why it is hard and there is room for mediocre therapists with good intentions to give license to someone who is looking for an easy answer rather than real healing…)
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No. You need to speak truth as you know it.
Here’s my take on what I’ve told my kids…
I have experience in my life. Far beyond what you kids have. It’s not your experience but there is history.
You’re my kids. You are truly are the most precious people in my life. I will never knowingly steer you wrong.
And most importantly…I will never lie to you. If I think you are going down the wrong path I will tell you. You may hate me for it at the time but I’m not backing down. You can convince me otherwise to change my position. But I will never knowingly let you come to harm.
And lastly…I’ll always be here no matter what. Truly. You can’t get mad enough or cut me out enough to not still have a place in my heart.
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I’ve also seen tragic results of bad therapy in my family. I won’t get into all the details here. As for my daughter, I haven’t expressed my reservations about therapy, but I have asked what her goals are in therapy.
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I’m a big fan of teaching my S23 to understand and hold appropriate boundaries (Melissa Urban’s Book of Boundaries, with red/yellow/green types of setting them is a solid resource with lots of examples for older teens), but I also dealt with my then 11th/12th grader parroting the concept of “boundaries” incorrectly, and the word “gaslighting” was also eye-rollingly wrong!
There is a lot of self help on instagram and TikTok that is really just a mess, and kids pick up on the buzzwords.
I think it’s really important to talk to kids about what those words do and do not mean, and how sometimes people will say they’re “setting a boundary” yet they’re using that phrase and concept in a way that’s controlling.
Sometimes abusive people are savvy enough to use “therapy speak” in ways that allow them to be harmful, because the (mis)use of these words can imply that they are really the authority on what is taking place.
As far as calling so many things “trauma” and “abuse” - I am pretty sensitive to that topic having exited an abusive marriage years ago. In my opinion, when those words are applied to so much, then they start to lose their meaning and people diminish it.
But overall, I think teaching kids about these topics is important, because they can sometimes be manipulated by people using therapy speak, and they’ll benefit from being able to clearly talk about their own emotions and set limits around what is and isn’t okay with them.
Editing to add: I’ve also seen an increase in teens using the word “unsafe” to apply to minor things. There is a difference between something not being your preferred state, and being “unsafe.” Not being friends with a classmate, does not make that classmate “emotionally unsafe,” or being asked to do something that is outside your comfort zone is not “unsafe.”
I was talking to teachers last summer and they noticed an uptick in kids opting out or refusing to engage in new activities or with people who were not their friend group, using the reason that they felt “unsafe.” I think it’s important that we teach our kids that sometimes we’ll be uncomfortable, and that is normal and okay. We can be adaptable, or resilient, and often learning new things is not always comfortable, too.
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I know this is personal but please do as much as you are able.
It serves as a public service annoucement.
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I’m trying not to discount something that she feels is important. I have asked her what her goals are in therapy and I’ve told her that I don’t understand the point of perpetually being in therapy. It’s one thing to go to therapy to learn tools to deal with something you’re experiencing, but when the therapy results in just dissecting everything in your life in an endless loop, I can’t see how that’s helpful.
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My H’s family member spent 50 years with the same psychiatrist. The family member recently died and the psychiatrist attended the memorial - as it happens, after 50 years of analysis, the psychiatrist had no idea who the family member was - all the family member’s lies unraveled, and lives were destroyed.
I’m throwing this out there and wondering if anyone has experienced it…
It’s been a few years since my kid was in school now.
But…
during those years it seemed every “traumatic” experience (but maybe not to you as an adult) was met with a “crisis response” by the school which needed a therapist at the school where kids could come and “release their grief” (or whatever).
If your kid went to those sessions the parent was never notified.
When I finally did find out about it I was mad. My kid went to a counselor (untrained by the school) for something that I had no knowledge of.
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Part of our jobs as parents (as I see it) is to prepare them to become full functioning, self-sufficient adults (there are no trust funds coming my kids’ way 
).
They do not “need” a Porsche (I exaggerate for dramatic effect) when they turn 16, they need to learn life skills (people, time, financial, problem-solving, independence, etc.) They need to feel supported, not smothered (a tough line to find sometimes!)
We are not their besties, helicopters, or bulldozers.
Let them entertain themselves, earn money, learn independence, learn consequences.
Let them know the expectations - the budget before the college search starts, they can stay on the our insurance or live at home for X time, etc. while they work and save money, look for am apt, etc. (not while they play video games in the basement all day).
And…let them go. It is hard but, that is what we have been doing little by little since they were born - letting them walk without us holding their hand, ride their bike to the park, cook a grilled cheese, drive a car, go to a party, go off to college. We will always be their parents, we will always love them and be there for them, but they need to go be adults. It is really hard to keep your mouth shut, but it is harder to be the parent that the kid does not want to come back to visit.
I always say my spouse and I get along with our parents and in-laws because they let us grow up to be adults (and treat us that way) and they have lives of their own (so they aren’t meddling in ours).
My mom said “They leave in their 20s and come back in their 30s.” So true for my family!
I was/am hardly a perfect parent. But, for now anyway, my kids are still speaking to me, appreciate the things we do do for them, and actually ask for advice. And I am enjoying a more adult/friend relationship with them. Balance is hard, but good.
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Amen to that, times a zillion!
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Reading through this thread, I am reminded of a time when a friend said “It’s not fair to make a test for your boyfriend and not tell him.” Perhaps this was in response to one of those “If he doesn’t call by Sunday night, I’m going to break up” moments (or something equally melodramatic and inane), but my friend was right. I owed it to him to say “I need you to call me by xyz” and maybe even to provide a little more context – especially if there were consequences!
A kid who "needs to set boundaries " needs to be able to express those boundaries and the need for them. Without that clarity, how does one know if they are violating them? And why does the boundary-setter get to attribute malice to the boundary-breaker? If a person can’t articulate their boundaries, aren’t they just having a version of a toddler’s tantrum and saying “I don’t like it!” but couching it in socially acceptable language?
Don’t get me wrong – I am all in favor of people arranging their lives in a way that makes them feel as comfortable and secure as possible. Boundaries are healthy, as is being able to say politely and nicely why you have a boundary and how you feel your relationship with the other person will be more healthy for you if they can respect it. Then both of you can figure out how to navigate it.
@socalmom007 , I really wish you and your D could have this conversation. It’s so hard, especially if the other person is accusatory. But it’s impossible for you to meet her on her terms if you don’t know what they are. And it’s really hurtful for her to assume you neither care nor will try to comply.
If that’s going to involve other people, they need to learn to express their requirements in a way that gives others the option of compliance.
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My kids grew up in a high conflict coparenting relationship for over a decade. Their dad is now divorcing the catalyst and my kids are recognizing the truth. Sadly though Ive had to bear the brunt of the drama the kids have pulled.
Ive had to remind them that it is manipulative of them to try to get out of consequences by saying “I’ll just go live with dad full time.”
Some “therapy talk” they have thrown at me is then telling me that by calling them manipulative and saying it was hurtful was me “playing the victim.” Overall Ive moreso heard my kids parrot back comments from a mentally unstable stepparent and narcissist father.
But my kids are still maturing and its up to me to acknowledge their feelings yet also help them figure out how to work through them.
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Boundaries came up with my daughter when she asked me not to ask her any questions at all, as it stresses her out. If she wants to tell me something, she’ll tell me. This from a girl who’s spent everyday since she got a phone texting me 20x a day. She’s currently unemployed and it’s stressful, I get that. But, it’s not reasonable for her to say we’re violating her boundaries when we ask if she’s gotten her car smogged so we can register the car we own, it’s also not reasonable to accuse us of violating her boundaries when she asks us for $400 for copays to her therapist and we ask if that’s a good use of resources. I find her boundaries unreasonable and a cop out. We’ve had some productive conversations and I’m trying to be supportive, but I find her use of therapy speak childish and misguided.
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