If either of my boys even attempted therapy speak I would immediately have them checked for a concussion.
Are most people experiencing this with a son, or daughter?
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I would as well. I have 3 kids and I’ve never heard them speak this way. Atleast not to me or their dad.
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My kids have never used any of that jargon and are pretty good at sharing and gently shutting us down if they feel we are prying.
DIL is better at communicating with us than S. Haha—she’s a communications professional after all and he’s an engineer.
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Yes, 100% to this. My kids have clinical issues with depression and anxiety and see therapists regularly, but they are doing the best they can. One is in a high stress job in vet medicine and one is in college and struggling with age appropriate pressure about internships and grades. Almost every single person I knew in my generation went through a serious bout of depression during or after college when life gets real. If this generation is learning some tools to deal with that and it sounds like “therapy speak” I am all for that.
But that said our kids have good relationships with us and while they don’t share everything with us I haven’t heard them using “therapy speak” in an antagonistic way with us. They might say, “I’m going to have PTSD after the day I had at work today”, which honestly is not that far off for my vet med kid. It’s a very stressful job dealing with pet deaths and upset pet owners. If they label someone with a personality disorder, they’re probably right. I haven’t heard them say they need to set boundaries except with respect to work and not being at work which again is appropriate IMO.
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It’s so interesting to hear about individual situations and generational differences. This is such a sad statement! I didn’t know anyone who experienced this.
I agree that not all therapists are created equal. Some are better able to help the client come up with more effective strategies and solutions while others can be just ineffective echoes or worse. I have spoken with several therapists over the years— for myself and my kids. We have met some helpful ones and some truly awful ones.
A few people I know in my generation had varying levels of depression and I am unaware of whether they were able to get successful treatment.
It’s unfortunate when people choose to blame their problems on others instead of figuring out their own role in the situation. Sorting ot all out can take time and I’m quite certain a GOOD therapist would be helpful while a bad one could worsen things.
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I’ve been fortunate to have had good experiences with therapists. I’ve been four times - twice for bereavement support, once to come to terms with caregiving and coping with the alcoholism in my family of origin, and once when I was struggling with my marriage. My role models weren’t the best with that. (I was able to get tools for better communication and have been happily married 30 years).
I found tremendous value in speaking to professionals who were emotionally uninvolved and could listen objectively.
I don’t think I ever used therapy speak per se with my parents but I certainly did set better boundaries. Being honest when I was at my breaking point and pushing them to hire help; moving family dinners to brunch or lunch to avoid alcohol; not letting them drive my D; disengaging and refusing to tolerate drunken tirades etc…
The seeds to those issues all started in childhood and maybe I would have had a less tumultuous relationship with my parents if I had gotten support and help sooner.
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“I’m all for my daughter becoming an autonomous adult, but then be an adult, you know? We provided her with a car, she’s on our insurance, on our health insurance, we pay for her phone. It’s not fair if she feels interrogated when we ask her to get her oil changed or get a smog check. We’re not trying to cause her anxiety. We own the car and have to license it. It’s also not fair to ask us to subsidize her medical copays so she can see a therapist every week but then think it’s intrusive when we ask how it’s going. She wants all the benefits of being an adult without the responsibilities of being an adult.”
I’m not a therapist. But if I had made a statement like this to MY therapist, she would have asked, “Do you use money to control your kids?” and I’d have said “of course not”. And she’d have responded, “So stop using money to control your kids”.
Why would you provide a car to a kid who isn’t responsible enough to maintain it, get it certified, etc? And even if you are paying her health insurance and copays- do you really think that gives you the right to ask her questions about her private sessions with her provider? If she was being treated for an itchy gynecological rash, would you ask her how that treatment was going- and would you be offended if she said “I’d rather not discuss my $%^ with you?”
Several ways to interpret this situation. I totally see why this is aggravating to you. But if you want your daughter to launch- let her launch. Adults take the bus when they can’t afford to buy a car. Adults (soon, let’s hope) find jobs which include health insurance… and that often means having to find a therapist in their network (so changing providers) or works on a sliding scale. I get wanting to protect her… but has she ever had to flounder without you saving her??? Has she ever looked at herself in the mirror and said “Time to woman- up and take a job driving a UPS truck for Xmas, or stocking shelves at Costco” for the next 6 weeks to generate enough cash to cover the copays and her expenses?
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I agree with a lot of your sentiment. Parenting is ultimately about launching.
But not all financial help is about control, and it’s not really fair to conflate them. There are many reasons a parent may offer help to a kid. Often it is about the parent’s fears, as in – I want you driving a safe car so I’ll provide that. (And not everyone lives where there is public transportation or uber. I don’t have either!) But to your point, this is a good opportunity for the parent to explore why they provide financial support and what they expect in exchange. That’s always a healthy check!
Nor is asking if any medical treatment seems to be effective necessarily intrusive. Perhaps this is a prompt for a second opinion, a visit to a specialist, a conversation with the doctor about switching meds. The details don’t need to be shared, but ime, kids don’t necessarily know how to navigate the system. (Actually, many adults don’t either!)
Again, maybe there’s a need for the rules around the help to be articulated. You get the car and you need to do the following. You are on our health care. You pay copays. If we pay, we get to ask about quality of care.
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Agree with your approach. Articulating- whether upfront or midway- is a great strategy!!!
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I have a friend with a 30 year old child who has cut off contact cut off with their parents. They are in a sort of mourning. They aren’t even sure what the issue is. In know them to have been good parents and while I’m sure all was never perfect that can be said of the child as well. I don’t understand this and consider it a symptom but am not sure of what. I treasure the relationship I have with my children. I respect and encourage their launch into independence and adulthood. They are not me or my spouse but I am happy for there choices and encourage them in their victories and their struggles. It would hurt me so much if they chose never to speak with us again.
You beat me to it. As someone who grew up in a codependent household (yes, I’m using therapy speak after years of therapy) where my parents inadvertently used money as a way to control, it took me years to cut the cord myself because my parents wouldn’t. But in the process, it really damaged our relationship - there were other complex issues too, but this one didn’t help. Now as a parent myself, I find myself in the same position - it is really hard to undo what is ingrained in you and I’ve often thought how will I handle things like medical insurance if my kids were God forbid unemployed. This is why it is not strange to use therapy as a tool “forever” - because the same issues that pop up in young adulthood have a way of creeping back up as a parent or as a caretaker for a parent but look different, and you may need help finding the tools again. Over time, you naturally wean off therapy. I used to go every week at one point, but haven’t needed it for over a year. Then something may pop up where I need to go back for a few weeks, and I’m good again. The issues are likely similar but looks different because situation is different. It takes a neutral therapist to help you identify - oh yeah, this is my insecurity or fear of loss of control or whatever.
I am very cognizant of using money to control. My parents didn’t do it out of malice but out of love but it is nevertheless damaging. Even in college search, I have not framed it as, I’m paying so I get a say where you go. Instead, I will frame it as - this is my budget, and it’s your decision and these are some things you likely will want to weigh as you decide - what are other things you want to weigh. My child has told me they’ll let me know when they decide 
— because I tend to be vocal about my opinion and it makes it difficult for them to sort through their own thoughts - that’s them setting a healthy boundary for a sometimes overbearing mom and I’m proud of that, not offended.
Therapy/mental health care is no different than other healthcare but yes, like gyn it is personal. Even more personal in a way because you are dumping emotional stuff you might never tell any one. And sometimes the emotional stuff is about your relationship with family.
If a parent chooses to pay health insurance for an adult child, that is their choice - but it is separate and should remain separate from any expectation (strings) in return (eg, that they will share with you, that they will choose a different therapist, that they will discuss the wise use of money etc). Sharing is personal - they may or may not ever share, but that is entirely based on trust. If you tell someone- I’d like to buy you dinner, you can’t then tell them what to eat.
That said, healthy boundaries also means if you as a parent are not happy with that situation, you can choose to not pay for insurance or as you said, put the copays on child. Or say, I can help with out of pocket expenses up to x amount or for x duration (so if they choose out of network provider, it’s up to them to figure out the difference). But it shouldn’t be out of punishment, but establishing healthy boundaries for what you feel comfortable with. BL - money (or any gift you give) should never come with expectations in return. You can establish boundaries for yourself though so that if the terms of a relationship are not working for you, you can change your own actions.
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I see no one has answered this, but this thought also popped into my head. As someone with only boys, I cannot imagine any of my sons speaking this way. (I am sure some boys do, of course).
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And to add to your excellent post- sometimes we don’t recognize a pattern as such until someone else points it out to us. A simple example- we all likely have friends who have struggled with romantic relationships. Bad marriage, then a series of awful boyfriend/girlfriends, maybe a second marriage which might have less overt conflict but doesn’t seem at all affirming or joyful.
You have a choice- keep your mouth shut (which is what most people do unless they see obvious signs of abuse or kids who are really struggling ) or point out that it isn’t an accident that your friend ends up choosing people who are just “wrong” for them in meaningful ways.
So sure- the doubters can just say “Hey, she has terrible taste in men” or “He seems to be attracted to broken women, go figure”. But an objective therapist will likely find a thread-- dating from childhood? teenage years? which goes straight from bad marriage to bad dating to bad second marriage- and can teach techniques to listen to ones own inner voice, surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you, etc.
Is this a one and done? Sometimes. A couple of months. Or, someone needs the regular support, ongoing therapy, to assess relationships through a new lens.
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I’m the middle child who wants everyone to be happy, and am stuck in the middle of this situation with my parents and brother. He cut off contact at about that age. I’m sure my parents could have written that same statement. While I love my parents and think in general they were great parents, I can definitely see my brother’s side of things. His values and what he wants out of life are completely different than my parents - and mine for that matter. And growing up they were a lot harder on him. He got in trouble a lot at school (minor things - probably would be diagnosed as ADHD/on the spectrum today), so I know he was a handful compared to my sister and me. But all he felt growing up was criticism.
Combine that with being a very different kind of adult who wants to live differently than the rest of us… well when they don’t respond positively - that’s just more criticism. He tried to talk to them, but they speak different languages. I tried talking to them, and it didn’t go well either. They just can’t see how they respond as being wrong. So he cut them off. Since then, there has been some limited contact, but it is very limited.
But a few examples… When I got back from my honeymoon we stopped at home and they told me that my then teenage brother/very teenage GF were getting married in 6 weeks and expecting a baby. After I picked up my jaw off the floor, I responded with “I guess this is congratulations?” Apparently, I was the only one who didn’t break down crying and tell him what a screw up he was. He told me many years later he really appreciated that. And he emancipated himself, got married, and didn’t accept a dime from my parents and graduated with a double engineering major and 2 minors while also working a job (but also on welfare). He wasn’t a screw up.
In the mid 90s he was into chat rooms about music I think, and went to meet some people. My parents told him how stupid that was. I watched his kid so they could go (even though back then I had no idea what it was all about). Ironically, about 10 years later my mom got all into forums/chat rooms herself - never mentioned her previous sentiment…
Later - now a single dad with full custody. He just quit his job, so he and his son (also on the spectrum) could spend the summer driving across the entire US. No plans, just go wherever. Sleeping in rest stops in his truck and showering whenever. Never, ever could I do that… but my reaction was “good for you!” and not “Why in the blank do you want to do that?” and list all of the things that could go wrong. Another summer he did the same thing across Europe. I could not do it. I wouldn’t enjoy it, but still think it’s cool that he can.
There are plenty more examples…
I also found this to be an interesting statement. I agree with it whole heartedly, but OTOH… it seems that many here just assume the therapy and the kid are wrong and self centered and aren’t closely looking at themselves to see how their behavior just might be pushing all of the kid’s hot buttons and pushing them away.
And I also am personally not into “therapy speak,” but I think it can be helpful to young people. I couldn’t have told you at 20-30 why certain things bother(ed) me a LOT - a lot more than they rationally should. After years of self-reflection I know now. I think therapy can help speed up that process.
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I know a few people who have limited to no contact with their family of origin. From the outside, they looked like great families (I know about secret keeping from my own family and how good some people can act in front of others). In one case, there was ongoing sexual abuse, in another deep seated religious beliefs so that the parents wouldn’t accept their child was gay (and continually tried to “convert” them), and in other, outright theft. I think it’s very, very hard to know what goes on behind closed doors, even with good friends. (Not that I’m implying that anyone here has these kinds of issues!).
I do think that late teens/early 20s is when most people start to branch out and find their own wings. Transitioning to an adult relationship can be challenging for both parents and children. It’s one of the things I hear my D’s friends complain about the most - that their parents treat them like kids. That said, it is a two way street. If you don’t want to be treated like a child, start acting like an adult.
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My boys haven’t talked like this either. They were fortunate that their friend group had very little drama growing up.
But if they wanted to go to therapy, I would all for it. Anxiety runs VERY strong in my family - especially in the women, and in H’s family (in the men) depression is a big issue. We have talked to them a little bit about it once they got older (college age), because we want them to be aware of it. But at the same time, we did not want them to feel it was their destiny to struggle with it.
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Regardless of the language a kid uses - therapy speak “respect my boundaries mom” or regular language “butt out mom” - they are saying the same thing.
I did learn when DC came home after graduation that if I asked “where did you go to dinner?” they took it as me needing to know where they were every minute of the day. I lightly said “It is called a conversation - how was the food, should your dad and I try it? etc”. So there was an adjustment period - for both of us.
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I only have a daughter but I can tell you that my nephew does speak this way too. But, in fairness, we have many therapist/counselors in the family (along with the engineers), so the kids grow up hearing this language as being totally normal.
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Side note - what is getting your car "smogged?! 