It seems the tricky thing about therapy is that the therapist gets info filtered by the client. What they hear about others may skew from the truth (via perception, though I supposed sometimes by lie especially if a teen).
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Yes. Outside of whatever benefit (or not) therapy may have, this generation has co-opted therapy speak for everyday use. Words like panic attack, anxiety, depression, gaslighting, boundary setting, ptsd, “my truth,” narcissistic personality disorder, etc. are used by people who have learned these terms from the internet, not therapists.
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I don’t disagree, and that’s the point that I was ultimately trying to make. I see “therapy speak” as a tool. And like any tool, it can be used to accomplish a number of things. When used as a typical therapist would intend, it helps a person understand themself and their relationships, and can help them communicate in a constructive way. When used inappropriately, just like any language, it can be used to manipulate people.
I mean, we’ve had some local alt-right characters adopt therapy speak in public forums when trying to advance their goals. That was a bit dizzying to hear!
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It was wild to see texts in the news recently of a celebrity manipulating his then girlfriend with therapy speak.
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I think its in the way we ask the questions that bothers our kids.
Instead of “is $400 on therapy best use of money right now?” Could perhaps be phrased “Money is tight for us right now. We are paying an extra monthly premium to have family coverage. I dont think we will be able to contribute to cover the copays.”
I think what your child is trying to say with “stop asking questions” is actually “your questions are degrading and judgmental and make me feel worse than i already do.”
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I think you’re not wrong, but adulting isn’t always easy. I did give her the $400, but I also asked if this was a good use of limited resources moving forward. I also told her we couldn’t afford that kind of added expenditure every month. We’ve always been happy to pay for out of pocket expenses toward deductibles, her glasses and contacts, dental cleanings, etc… but $400 a month in copays was shocking to me and not something I would be able to afford regularly. I would ask questions if she asked me for money to get her eyebrows done or get a new handbag right now too. There was no condition on giving her the money, but a “holy cow, you’ve been paying that every month???” didn’t seem like an outlandish response.
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In my experience, kids who text a parent this often fall into 3 camps:
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Situations where a parent has not set a boundary (to use therapy-speak.) In other words, situations where kids treat their parent like a servant and the parent has not trained them out of it. Examples of texts of this type: “Where is my softball glove?” “Get me more Nutella” (to a parent at the store, when they should be writing it on the grocery list on the fridge), “I forgot my permission slip, can you bring it to school?”
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Situations where the child has an anxiety disorder and is engaging in “reassurance seeking” (yet more therapy speak.) Examples of texts of this type: “Where are you Mom?” “What if I fail my test?” “I think Ava and Emma hate me” “Why didn’t you answer, are you OK?” “I feel funny in my stomach mom” “Are you sure the cat is ok?” “Will you check to make sure the door is locked?” “I can’t sleep”
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Situations where parent and child are best friends, and have a sort of ongoing chat throughout the day.
Personally, I am annoyed by texts. I don’t want to receive 20 texts total in a day, much less 20 texts from a single person.
I definitely don’t respond to category 1 texts; if they text me needing something it better be an emergency and they better have tried taking care of the issue on their own first.
Category 2 texts are a warning sign. Reassurance seeking is definitely a sign of an honest to goodness anxiety disorder. And in the long run, reassurance seeking backfires.
Category 3 texts…hmmm…I still don’t want to hear from my kid 20x per day…
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You told her you couldn’t afford it on an ongoing basis- and now it’s up to her to figure it out.
A holiday type job- mall, UPS packer, giftwrapper, sampling fancy chocolates at Costco. Getting signed up for a substitute teacher gig in her local school system- the background check takes a few days but she could be working by December 4th and she’s got two full weeks until Xmas break… Asking the current therapist if there’s a possibility of a “sliding scale” since she’s unemployed (and if the therapist says no, that might be a polite way of saying “you’ll be better off finding someone new” rather than just dumping her. Therapists DO fire their patients… particularly if the patient is showing up but shows no signs of working on any of the tactics that have been discussed). Finding a different therapist (her primary care physician or gynecologist are usually good people to ask for a referral, especially since she can tell them “money is tight right now” without it being awkward since she doesn’t have a social relationship with them). Exploring a telehealth option which might have zero co-pay since each visit is often cheaper than in-person.
Etc.
Good start for you guys developing her boundaries-- and YOURS!!!
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Deleted (question was already answered).
The same is true of a lot of things, though. One of my pet peeves is people saying they have “a migraine” when they just have a regular old headache. It’s not the same thing. My mom had debilitating migraines that would make her light sensitive, nauseated, and send her to bed for 3 days, but I see and hear people walking around in public saying, “oh that gave me such a migraine” or whatever. People who use it that way don’t know what a migraine is!! I have friends who function with migraine disease and it is really, really hard. It’s not something you can pop a couple of Advil and make go away.
When my kids use words like “panic attack, anxiety, depression, etc” they know exactly what they mean and use them appropriately. I have not heard other kids use them inappropriately, but I’m sure it happens just like people use migraine wrong. I think my kids hang with a crowd that is pretty knowledgeable about mental health issues, though, so when they talk about panic attacks or anxiety they really mean diagnosed conditions.
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I would say our texts fall mostly into category 3.
Do these shoes go with this outfit? Look how yummy my lunch was! My friend is being a jerk. My cat looks so cute right now!
Is this normal? I have no idea. I have one daughter and three sons. My sons don’t text me this much, but they don’t text anyone this much. My best friend texts her two daughters at college all day long.
Side note, girl just got a job offer! Getting focused on a new job will be so good for her. She’s also asking about her own health insurance 
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Terrific! Congrats!!!
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I am thrilled for her. And you!
I think the stress of the last few months as she dealt with a lot of understandable anxiety might’ve contributed to her lashing out at you.
One thing I am realizing only in the last few years is how mean/abrupt/short-tempered I can often be to my beloved family. And how sugar-sweet I can be to work colleagues. (This has become apparent to my family, b/c they hear me on Zoom chats all the time, now that I’m working from home.)
“You’re never so nice to us!” they exclaim.
Which we all laugh about, but there is a truth to it - we are less likely to be on our best behavior with the people we feel safe with. And so I guess your daughter might be paying you a compliment?
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I know what you are saying, but as a doctor, I have a different perspective. Migraines actually are very under-diagnosed because people think “Well I am still walking around, I’m not stuck in my bed for 3 days like some people, so this must be a regular headache” when in reality they ARE experiencing a migraine, and would benefit from targeted migraine therapies. Migraine symptoms occur on a spectrum from fairly mild to severe and debilitating. Mild migraines CAN respond to a couple of Advil (at least partially.)
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I think you are probably right. She feels safe to lash out with me, just like she felt safe to have tantrums when I picked her up from preschool. It doesn’t make it any less hurtful, but I do get it.
With the therapy stuff I have deep seated fears related to that. My daughter and I have had that conversation.
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What are your fears?
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I don’t necessarily want to get into all of that here, but I grew up with a mentally ill mother and her journey through therapy didn’t end well.
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Hugs to you.
Not to co-opt therapy speak since I don’t want to make your very legitimate feelings worse- but for SURE suspecting that your kid is dealing with something more serious than garden variety anxiety (not that this isn’t serious in and of itself) can be very “triggering” to someone who grew up with a mentally ill parent. I have a much better understanding of your entire narrative now- thank you for sharing that.
And kudos to your D-- the job is a huge step forward!!!
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Not a physician, but my GYN tells me the same for endometriosis and uterine fibroids.
There are women she diagnosis who have been suffering for YEARS-- but who have told themselves “Hey, I got out of bed today, it must just be really really bad cramps”. Yes, some women are completely debilitated. And others just have terrible pain and an undiagnosed condition…
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Deleted - answered.