I only have sons and interesting to hear the dynamic some of you have with daughters. Texting multiple times per day for instance, even as they are adults. I communicate fairly regularly with my sons but never anywhere at that kind of level. But I don’t really want to communicate every day with anybody at that level! 
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I don’t communicate with anyone that sends 20 texts/day. Our extended family thread with 19 people on it rarely gets a fraction if that many texts/day, total. Overstating can be exhausting. Congrats on the new job offer—that must feel great for her and you!
I just counted her side of our conversations today. She’s texted me 53 times. 
Now, I’m on vacation this week, she’s not working, and she had a job interview and subsequent offer… I’d say 20 texts is a normal day. Our texts are a back and forth conversation sprinkled with cat photos, outfit photos to get opinions, etc…
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Frankly, at her age, I’d be encouraging her to text you much less, and concentrate on connecting more with peers instead.
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I’m not going to tell my 24 year old daughter not to text me. If she’s texting me I will respond. I’m happy to give her outfit opinions, ooh and ahh over her cats, and explain how to roast a chicken.
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I would never ever encourage any of my children not to text me!!!
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That is absolutely not what I said. I would never not want my sons to feel they could not call, email, or text me. Would I want them texting me 53 times a day? No, in terms of therapy speak, I would probably want to set some boundaries, limits, about how many texts I could respond to and how quickly I could reply. I would be concerned if they were doing so unless there was some emergency going on that we needed to communicate about. Sorry if I offended. And all the best to you and your children . We all certainly parent differently with adult children.
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I appreciate this thread and so many of the comments.
The conversation specifically around what is perceived as ‘trauma’ is a conversation that has come up lately among friends of (current) high school/college aged girls (not usually boys). I think this is definitely related to kids who are on TikTok (and other social media, to a lesser extent).
One guy does a funny dance to the Spice Girls and suddenly people everywhere from grandpas to dogs are doing it on TikTok. Trending like this have been videos of girls talking about trauma, some that is not so traumatic (having a tough time at dance class because the instructor was strict and they didn’t feel ‘safe’ or how a boy they had a crush on totally ignored them and now they are ‘traumatized’ and can never speak to a boy again) - and other girls talking about real trauma (like sexual assault) and they all get mashed together through some algorithm in the feed, and before you know it, it gets internalized and parroted back without consideration for the meanings of the words being used.
Personally, I think the ‘over pathologizing’ trend in social media is real. It’s great that kids can talk about their feelings, but not every slight is an eternal disaster. Maybe we’ve far overswung from free range parenting to trying to validate every tiny feeling, to their detriment.
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I see this a lot as well. As a prof I’ve seen the number of students emailing asking to be excused from exams due to “exam anxiety” skyrocket during and post-COVID.
The research suggests that exposure is the most effective treatment for anxiety, and that escape from anxiety-provoking situations increases anxiety, reinforces escape behaviours and decreases functioning. The answer then is not to avoid exams, but to take them.
The notion among students seems to be that anxiety is not something that can be addressed with facts and behaviours but an intrinsic part of oneself that must be honoured. I saw a post on my university’s Reddit, where a new student asked if it was safe to walk to the subway after an evening exam. Another student responded yes, that the streets are still very busy when evening exams end. To which another student responded “How dare you invalidate her concerns?!” as if it is more respectful to perpetuate someone’s anxiety/concern with supportive murmurings than to defuse their anxiety by providing them with useful facts. I find this trend concerning; it seems augur ill for the future functioning of young adults, and for the future of debate (especially the idea that someone taking a different position from you is implicitly invalidating you or threatening you in some way, and the answer is to remove oneself from exposure to invalidating ideas/people). However, it’s been the history forever that the old folks despair of the ways of the young, so…
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We did this. We put them on our car insurance, health insurance and cellphone, because we knew they couldn’t afford it in high school and college, but those things came with conditions.
Before we let them have the keys to the cars, we said, “Right now, you can’t afford to pay for the maintenance, insurance and phone so, when you get a job, you’re going to start paying for the maintenance, insurance and cell bill. You don’t have to pay it all at once back, but we expect it to be paid within the next three months. If we don’t see a payment or upkeep, within those three months, then we reserve the right to take it all back.”
We also don’t give them conditions on what we’ve bought for them or helped with. We did help our daughter with her deposit on her condo, but we knew that she needed that little tiny bit of cash to get her going (~$2000) into home ownership.
And maybe, because I am a therapist, but not with mental health, I don’t use theraspeak with my kids and they know that they can’t use it with me. I don’t speak using “over-therapised” terms.
I have always had my children, as well as my students, clients, and patients tell me directly what’s on their mind by using “characteristics”.
I have been surrounded by psychologists and psychiatrists during my time in my field and I’m so sick of theraspeak. Just give it to me straight. I can take it I’m a big girl.
I usually started off by saying: “OK what happened last night, that has caused you to not be yourself today? You don’t seem like you. How can I help out?”
It is easier for me to give responses to questions of me by asking, “what is going on in your life that you would ask me that?”
Too many psychologist friends and colleagues.
With my students, “something changed, how do you want me to react?”
(JLNO-“just listen/no advice? Happy?, Sad???, commiserate??, Hug me?) ETA “side” hugs or Pat on the back for PC
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I’m a teacher too, so this is more the way I am accustomed to speaking to my children and students.
As for the car maintenance and expenses, that’s all a good plan. We’ve had a hard time figuring out how to make that transition as the cost of living in Southern California is just so high. Our son got a company car and cell plan which helped him get off the dole. Our daughter, not so much.
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When I finally started asking a whether he was just writing it WE were problem solving and he had to decide, our relationship improved. I decided it was up to me to ask and let him think it through and decide and I think the clarification helped both of us.
Agree with everyone on way too much pathologizing.
BUT- is it better that kids who are the actual victims of abuse are too afraid to come forward? That was the deal when I was growing up. Kids who did come forward were stigmatized- whether it was a coach, religious figure, step parent, cousin- the older person was believed; the kid was ignored or made to feel like “he must have been asking for it”. Talk to ANY adult who was an actual victim of sexual abuse back in the day- ugh. What a lifetime of repression and self-medication that turned into.
Is it better that kids who find school scary (a teacher who disciplines without regard to what’s actually happening; kid being bullied, etc.) don’t have a voice- are told to suck it up? I don’t think so. A kid I knew in grade school who was definitely being bullied (we didn’t call it that back then- but teachers picked on him incessantly for sure, ridiculed him) got his driver’s license in HS and wrapped his car around a tree the next day. How much despair could he have felt? and to compound the tragedy- none of his peers were surprised?
Is it better that adults who have survived a parents substance abuse just “figure it out on their own” vs. having organizations and support groups which have trained facilitators to help them cope now that they are the age their parents were? I could fill a room with the adults I know who belatedly admitted that they had an alcoholic parent who are now married (or divorced from) an alcoholic. They should be set adrift for the rest of their lives wondering “how did I do this?” vs. getting help and support?
So I’ll put up with a kid who thinks she’s being “gaslit” or some college students who find various works of literature “triggering” or traumatizing. Because I’ve seen that things are often better in this more open environment. A school my kids graduated from (a long time ago) recently sent out a mass mailing to staff, former students, etc. about an allegation of abuse going back decades. This wasn’t a “misinterpreted” pat on the back. It was long past the legal deadline/statute of limitations, but the school’s administration (with help from outside counsel, I’m sure) sent the letter with a confidential hotline being run by an outside organization in case hearing about this allegation raised the hackles or jogged a memory by another former student.
I say bravo (but there were a lot of parents who were furious- “why not let the past stay in the past”). A now adult woman knew she was being sexually assaulted as a kid- and she discovers she wasn’t the only one-- SHE can choose whether to come forward now, but it would be with the knowledge that she’d likely be believed- even after decades, and even though the staff person was greatly beloved.
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Wow, really? I’ve not encountered this yet, and now I’m worried about what’s to come…
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You’re not wrong about how the times have changed, and bravo. But, when my beautiful, popular, brilliant, privileged kid, surrounded by a loving, devoted family talks about trauma, boundaries, etc… it rings even more false in light of the type of examples you are referring to.
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Beautifully put.
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Boxes. The need to put everything and everyone in a separate box and categorize it.
My husband and I were talking about this phenomenon years ago, with regard to sexuality and gender and how when we were young adults, it was just experimentation and nobody felt the need to be definitive about anything.
I think it’s a reaction (overreaction?) to the absolute deluge of social media. The need to figure out who you are in the middle of complete chaos. It’s self-defense. If everyone on social media is special, powerful, beautiful, brilliant, rich, persuasive, whatever - how do you possibly stand out?
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On the flip side, “experimentation” was about the only acceptable excuse at the time, at least where I grew up. My large suburban high school graduating class did not have a single “out” LGBT student. The one boy who was suspected of being gay was bullied mercilessly, and killed himself. The ones who have come out as adults remember a very hard time growing up, and many struggled with mental health as adults and coped with substance abuse. Would I use the term trauma for this? Yes, I would, and I don’t care if some people dislike it for being “therapy speak.”
I’m really glad times have changed. I am glad my LGBT kid did not have to live through that. I’m glad he had the freedom to put himself in a box, so to speak. He was able to be definitive about it and didn’t have to pretend it was just experimentation.
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I don’t understand. It’s much more open and less boxed-in now. People can be pan-sexual and open to loving and being sexually attracted to anyone of any gender. In the past it was much more rigid and unacceptable to be out as LGBTQ. Glad my kids have more freedom to be who they are.
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Absolutely agree with that—there is more trying on of gender and sexual identity, too. My S26 has had several friends over the years who have switched gender identities and then back again, or decided they were gay or pan or asexual and then decided they were heterosexual. This started happening as early as 5th grade.
I think what is different is their desire to name the identity they are trying on, fully inhabit that identity, and then shed it when it no longer serves them. The mindset shift required of parents is pretty big, because, for us, these identities are serious and come with complexities that our 12 or 13 year olds can’t possibly fathom yet. I think the trick is to accept and support but not get too attached to any one decision until it sticks and endures.
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