This will be a hard day

Parents Forum
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<p>Gladmom, these remarks are common. Even more common are the indirect slights. My son was a top student at his middle/elementary school that really keeps in contact with their alums. That he is going to a small LAC that is not well known, means that he isn’t invited as his peers are for an honorarium where those kids who got into Harvard, Yale, GT, and some other names schools are going to be featured. Had he accepted Cornell’s offer, he would have been invited. </p>

<p>One of his biggest supporters, and favorite teachers had to ask me again where he is going to college. He gets that all of the time, and that is a price you do pay when you go to a school less known and less prestigious than the name schools.</p>

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<p>S1 also went with his heart, and not only faced questions about why not an ivy, but also kids who’d never heard of his school. It was a bit irksome at first, but he was too happy to let it bother him for long.</p>

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<p>I think it is wonderful when your child has a “choice” and is free to choose for or against a school. </p>

<p>If the OPs daughter (or any child) can say “I chose _____ and I am really excited to go!” Then often the listener will join that enthusiasm. </p>

<p>When classmates would encourage my son to choose the more prestigious school he would just confidently declare his choice and say “nope ________ is great for me because (fill in the blank)”. That blank could be better aid, better in the major, more fun, bigger/smaller, closer to home or whatever.</p>

<p>I think people don’t spend too much time really caring where someone else is going…if it makes a petty person feel better to sneer at your kids school, then teach your daughter to pity them because if that’s what it takes to give themselves a boost–>SAD.</p>

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<p>Comments, comments. Rude comments. Insensitive comments. Derogatory comments.</p>

<p>Such is life. Over the next 15 years, she’ll also hear:</p>

<p>(1) “Wow! Are you pregnant? Congratulations!!” (and she won’t be pregnant)</p>

<p>(2) Someone will walk in her house, crinkle up their nose and ask “what stinks in here?” and it will be dinner.</p>

<p>(3) “oohhhh, what made you choose that wallpaper?”</p>

<p>(4) “I wouldn’t work there if you paid me a million dollars.” (and she works there)</p>

<p>(5) Variation on #4, “I wouldn’t marry him if you paid me” (and she’s celebrating her first anniversary)</p>

<p>(6) “Interesting looking baby. Don’t worry, they grow out of that phase.”</p>

<p>I could go on. But you get the idea. She’ll need to get a tougher skin, and cutting her teeth on a substitute teacher is a great place to start, using diplomacy and tact. What a great lesson to learn.</p>

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<p>cpt - That is really too bad. An “honorarium” for celebrating one thing – that you are going to a “prestigious” school, for whatever reason. Fortunately, in my small town such a thing couldn’t exist, since maybe only 1 kid would be going per year, some years no one!</p>

<p>And, heyalb, yes many people do make rude comments, and we all have to learn to steer away from people like that, or learn to live with it if they are relatives. But negative comments to a teenager about his/her choice of a college is much worse than someone dissing your wallpaper. I think negative remarks about something as important as college choice are uncalled for and beyond rude.</p>

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<p>I guess the point I was making is that everybody has their threshhold for tolerance, it varies among individuals. I think if somebody had said that to me when I was in high school, I would have shrugged and asked “so where did you go to school, and why are you a substitute teacher?”</p>

<p>On the other hand, I know people who go into a depressed tizzy when someone criticizes their decorating choice.</p>

<p>Everybody has to learn to live with stupid comments made by others. It starts on the playground, goes through high school, and doesn’t end till you’re six feet under.</p>

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<p>heyalb, as an independent adult (and a pretty old one!) I can easily disregard stupid remarks by others. However, I was well beyond my teen years before I would have been capable of defending myself in such a situation, especially one which a whole class was witnessing. </p>

<p>In any case, the vast majority of high school students (if not all of them) would never say “so where did you go to school, and why are you a substitute teacher?” Teachers are in a position of control over students, and there can be repercussions for students who speak disrespectfully to them. </p>

<p>Even as a seasoned adult, often during the moment of surprise at a rude comment, we can’t think of a snappy comeback. Or we choose to just be silent and not add to the back-and-forth of negative comments.</p>

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<p>^^ This is true. I guess I had a bit more noive than your average teen. ;)</p>

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<p>Lisares – Stories like yours and downtoearth’s make me glad that my kids went to a “so-so” high school where no one seems that obsessively focused on college acceptances. What a pressure cooker environment! Why on God’s earth would any teacher have the kids go round-robin and announce college choices? So many kids are unsure, disappointed, realizing what they can and can’t afford. The decals on the lockers thing is obnoxious, too.</p>

<p>My D was also accepted at a very well thought of pre-professional program/opportunity at a school that many here on CC think is lower-tier. It’s worked out great for her. She didn’t get a full ride, either – what a wonderful thing! Emphasize to her that the money saved means she could go to grad school anywhere!</p>

<p>I have a question I want to ask very gently, and if I am assuming incorrectly, I am sorry. So many parents on CC talk about the quality of the peers at the schools the kids go to. They want their kids surrounded by other highly motivated achievers. Is this because your kids felt very uncomfortable in high school? Not just unchallenged, but socially unhappy? Because I guess I have always thought that there are good classes and great students everywhere. And life is about getting along with a variety of people. It may be my girls are not as gifted as some of your kids – probably they are not – we did the whole Talented and Gifted thing throughout grade school and it has not become a concern for either of them to find a similar environment in college.</p>

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<p>It drives me crazy when friends (and even people you hardly know) give their opinion about where your kid should go to college. My son got into a fairly prestigious school (where he ended up going) and when I told some people where he got in, more than a few of them basically frowned and said, “Ugh… I wouldn’t go there.” Why do they do this!!! I still remember who they are and resent their comments.</p>

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<p>The ONLY thing I would consider saying to someone when they said where s/he is going to school (or where a child was going) is “how wonderful!” followed by “what do you plan to study?” or to ask a question about the school if I didn’t know about it.</p>

<p>That’s because #1. saying anything derogatory would be crass and rude. #2. I don’t actually CARE where other people (or their kids) go. #3. Since I only went to 2 colleges myself, I could never comment on another’s choice with much authority!</p>

<p>Sheesh… MANNERS. It’s sad that even ADULTS who should know better are rude and snobbish.</p>

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<p>I admire the high school students who are very discreet about mentioning all their college acceptances to their peers. While it is exciting to be accepted to HYP and other dream schools, the wise students realize that most of their classmates were not as lucky-</p>

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<p>I read this whole post today: and am amazed. Have been on CC since the fall, but never went to the Parents section - only to the colleges my S was interested in. I am blown away by this discussion.</p>

<p>I Think the last post asks a very profound question - what is it about these prestigious schools that makes them so wonderful? Is it always good to be around the smartest and most competitive people? I remain very unsure. My son goes to a very intense, New York City prep school, and most of his classmates will go to ivys or the top LACs. My son is deciding between two very good, but less prestigious LACs and the top state school with a fabulous program in his main interest. He will probably choose one of the LACs - which has the perfect atmosphere for him, and also offered a 15 thousand dollar scholarship. </p>

<p>But getting back to the question. When we chose this intense prep school, we chose it because the kids seemed smart and interesting and quirky, the energy was creative and intense. The vibe absolutely electric. And yet my son is not a competitive or intense kid. And in the end, while I might have been happy as a student there, I am not sure it was the best place for him. He might have done better in a gentler place, where he could shine and be appreciated for his talents, his generosity, his insight, his moral qualities. This is not a school for quiet, shy kids. </p>

<p>Now that he is up for college, he knows one thing: as he told his college counselor, “somewhat laid back and not preppy is what I want.” And I think whichever of the three colleges he chooses, he will find a place, I hope, that is more human and rewarding than his high school, as perfect and brilliant as it is for a certain type of kid.</p>

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<p>Our society is so brand-obsessed, and as other people have pointed out here, it spills into our college choices. Most people know only a couple of colleges intimately - they rely on brand and/or USNWR to inform their opinions of the rest. </p>

<p>While my knee-jerk reaction would be to push for the school that will not jeapordize your financial future, I would recommend that your daughter spend this month collecting as much information about the two schools as possible. Visiting both would be good, but at the less prestigious school she should meet the professors, other students in the program, etc. My guess is that she will find plenty of smart and talented people there and will end up choosing it because it’s a great program at a great price. If she feels confident and informed in her decision she will be able to project that and the naysayers will back off. Just keep reminding her that by the time next year rolls around she will have forgotten the names of half the people who are dissing her now.</p>

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<p>I am amazed at the difference percentages of acceptances males and females encounter at most schools. My daughter the valedictorian at her school was waitlisted at her top school choices, Bodwoin, Middlebury, and Williams, but accepted to many fine schools. I ran last years numbers of male and female applicants to Middlebury, Bowdoin, and for fun Yale… the number of female applicants is way higher… so the percentage of male applicants accepted becomes higher to maintain a 50-50 male female ratio. </p>

<p>example… middlebury 2008,… male applicants 3234, accepted 656, for a 20.3% rate of acceptance</p>

<pre><code> middlebury 2008 female applicants 4589, accepted 660, for a 14.3% rate of acceptance.
</code></pre>

<p>Bowdoin with similar numbers(percentagewise) of male to femal apps, has to accept more males than females,… because their rate of enrollment is lower for males than females… so the odds of being accepted as a male to Bowdoin is much higher than as a female applicant. </p>

<p>Yales numbers came out to 11.18% male apps accepted, 8.69% females accepted…</p>

<p>I like many here am heartbroken due to my daughter’s waitlist status after 6 years of endless work to get her(to me) unbelievable 4.062 GPA, and the valedictorian. I guess she didn’t play the game of building the proper EC lists…that I find a bit silly on many levels. So many kids fill in the blanks on these EC and volunteer type experiences simply to fulfill the applications criteria. But I guess that is how the game is played, and if you want in, you must play along. I have a friend who went to Harvard as did his wife, and their son is going to Mexico this Summer to do volunteer work… not because he feels motivated to do it, but because it will look good on the college application. I think he is accepted to Stanford, so I guess playing the game worked. Painful process…</p>

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<p>waitlisthero – Good post. Something has to give to keep those desirable 50/50 ratios.</p>

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<p>This is what I have observed for a long time. If you look at male vs female stats for each school, female stats are probably higher. In high school (maybe in general) girls are more organized and more focused, therefore their test scores tend to be higher. We have found less qualified boys over girls have been admitted to schools. There is also a theory that boys are smarter, they just made a pack to have more fun.</p>

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<p>Cardinal Fang and everyone else who thinks that bringing up the topic of people abusing the system to gain advantage equates to a personal attack on their child and on every child with LD issues who gets accommodations – well, it doesn’t. </p>

<p>You overreact to my comment, which in no way implied that many kids don’t have issues that warrant accommodation. Of course they do! There are several people with such issues in my own family, actually including my D. But there ARE people who get around the system in spite of what some have posted. It’s just another one of the many things that make the admissions process so inequitable and agonizing and hard on young people who feel they put out their best and their best is being either accepted or denied. </p>

<p>I never “trashed” or “attacked” anybody and no, I do not “trash” or “attack” my D’s friends who got into certain schools. I expressed the sort of distress and frustration that is only natural and human in this situation
– not rage and bitterness and contempt for the “winners,” as has been implied. People read into things what they want to read into them, and it says a lot about their own mindset, not mine.</p>

<p>I am not obsessed with HYPS, as has also been implied. I have no idea where anyone got that impression. Even though D is legacy at H, she and we had zero interest in her applying there or to any of those schools. She was not a realistic candidate as she is not what is termed “an academic superstar,” nor was she really interested. She applied to top schools where she really wanted to go, that fit her interests and proclivities, and where she was encouraged by her GC to apply as they were thought to be in her range, though “reaches” by virtue of their competitiveness and popularity.</p>

<p>I am being painted by some as a grasping, pushy, sore loser who obviously infected my lovely daughter with my status obsession. “Your daughter deserves better!” “She is obviously getting her feelings of inadequacy from you!”</p>

<p>That is so extremely far from the truth that it is laughable. She is swimming in a culture of status obsession. Of course we would like her to be successful and we are proud of her achievements. We have been telling her how great it is that she got all the affirmation in terms of acceptances and merit aid that she did. We’ve been thrilled with every offer. We think she has done extremely well. We really feel that way! Honest! </p>

<p>We thought she might get into one of her “reaches” as well, and we were disappointed when she didn’t, and at her pain when she started getting the excited messages from friends who did get into those schools. We felt for her because we love her and know her to be eminently deserving. Of course we realize that this is life and it’s inevitable and she has to learn to deal with rejection and disappointment. It’s just hard to watch and go through with her.</p>

<p>Just as D should not define herself by whether or not a certain school thought her desirable, I don’t define myself by what some of you seem to think of me. I’m just a mother who felt badly for what her child was going through, along with so many others, and was posting here in hopes of getting some good advice and support, which I did.</p>

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<p>And most of those ratios end up 55-45 at the LACs… Surprisingly,this year the girls at my son’s school did “much better” than the boys, as far as ivys… five girls got into Harvard. Many more boys need to grow up a bit and many are really outshined by these perfect girls, at least that is the way it is in my son’s school.</p>

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<p>To Waitlisthero- Even though your friend’s son might not be motivated to do the volunteer work out of benevolence, it is quite possible he will learn some compassion and sensitivity from the experience, and grow as a person. </p>

<p>Sometimes colleges realize kids who have spent all their time and energy maintaining perfect GPAs simply have not had the energy to develop the humane, generous qualities which contribute to the college community. While a #1 or 2rank is commendable, most colleges list it as only one aspect of a winning application.</p>