<p>Praise and remind your kids who are following the rules how much you appreciate their good judgment. We tend to make noise when something goes wrong, but not so much when things are quiet. My D is pretty honest about the pressures re alcohol/pot and cheat at BS, and based on what I hear, I would say it is pretty remarkable that kids are able to stay away. It is very, very hard and those that do are to be commended.</p>
<p>@erlanger- great point</p>
<p>In his books, “YES Your Teen/Parents is/are CRAZY” - Dr Bradley talks about values vs character. Values, he says, are taught. Things that we can intellectualize. Character is what we build when we are on the line - when we have to make a tough decision and weigh out moral options. </p>
<p>erlanger’s D is building character and that is truly awesome. Be very proud.</p>
<p>I would just like to say i know these kids personally. They should not be judged by their mistakes, but the way they handled it. Yes they did something terribly wrong, BUT THAT IS WHY WE CALL IT A MISTAKE. Drugs, sex, alcohol… we all know it is wrong, and as Mr. Matthew’s said there are many of us who do not so any of them. BUT there are kids that do, and that shouldn’t affect sending your child to a BS in general. At least here we have safe ways to go about handling them such as sanctuary, counselors, and A WHOLE COMMUNITY WHO CARES ABOUT YOU. And the police getting involved. are you kidding me? At least at BS we aren’t sneaking off to sketchy parties and having cops bust us. The only reason the police are involved is because the school is forced to, BY LAW. I know at my old school people used to come to class high/ drunk. at st. paul’s while people may get high and what not, they aren’t going to class like it, and defiantly not advertising they are. If anything kids at BS are here because they applied, and they want to be here. They respect the school and learning more than kids who didn’t apply. I am very offended by every person who said that the kids/ sps/ or any bs should be judged by these actions. And Mr. Matthews did the right thing about telling the parents about this issue and making it a big topic. It shows to us students that he is serious about wanting to help us, and he is not going to just dismiss us. He put a lot on the line to earn our trust, and for that he has gained many students trust and want to comply with his message.</p>
<p>@texaschica: Note that this thread was started to address the substance use situation at ANY BS, not just yours…</p>
<p>What I’d really love your opinion (or that of any current BS student) on is what drives some BS kids to experiment/use when on campus in a residential school setting? Seems like there’s a much higher risk than doing it at home.</p>
<p>Seven, I am not a current student, a parent of a graduated bs student, a current student at a day school and a possible future bs student. From what I have observed and understand, kids dont really care about the setting inasmuch as they dont say “oh oh better not do drugs since we’re in school”. Rather the thinking goes as “ok, we will do drugs, and since we’re in school we better come up with some creative ways to hide it”.
I used to say that the more activities the kids have, the more academic their classes are, the least chances of them doing drugs/alcohol (and by the way with a bs we primarily speak of pot since its the easiest to hide). I dont think that anymore. The idea seems true to a day to day situation, but not to weekends.<br>
The scary thing of course with all this is addiction, and one just doesnt know how quickly it will affect a particular child. I think open lines of communication with your kid are your first line of defense. Trust is important, but how do you know that the trust is truly there? If a child says they overcome all the temptations, do you truly know it? There have been so many parents that I know where everyone around them knew their kids changed clothes from something “nice” into something unbelievably slutty, drinking etc behind the parents back, just never get caught and the parents went around saying “ooh so and so has a problem, etc,” while their kid did too, and they never knew.</p>
<p>7Dad, the best discussion of why kids at boarding school take the risk is below. Blackice is a student who use/d drugs at bs and explains in detail why. </p>
<p>I don’t think most adults, with the benefit of life experiences and fully mature brains can understand why kids take the risk. I can’t understand (or remember) why I took all the risks I did as a teenager and young adult. Boarding school is high school and the kids, no matter how bright and cleaver, are not immune from making what adults deem “stupid mistakes”. I think part of the shock expressed by parents on this board is because many see bs as some type of Utopian society. It is not, kids face the same challenges, temptations and insecurities as their peers in ps. Kids in public schools have the benefit of daily parental interaction and observation, kids at bs have to be mature enough to confide in a parent or teacher if they have a problem, otherwise they have to figure it out alone or with the help of a peer. Your child will encounter drugs, alcohol and sex issues in high school. If you are uncomfortable with them facing these issues away from your daily observation, rethink bs. If you think your kid can make good decisions or deal with the consequences if he/she does not, keep bs on the table, and talk to them about the dangers of drug, alcohol, and sex and your intolerance for such behavior. And if you are so inclined, pray, daily. </p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-admissions/1031050-drug-use-boarding-schools.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-admissions/1031050-drug-use-boarding-schools.html</a></p>
<p>@emdee:</p>
<p>“If you are uncomfortable with them facing these issues away from your daily observation, rethink bs.”</p>
<p>This is the second time on the forum that another parent has told me, essentially, “if you are so worried about the drug situation at BS, you probably should reconsider sending your kid away to school”. Okay, I get it. (Cue someone telling me “I’m oversensitive…”)</p>
<p>I will look into that Black Ice thread again. I had followed it for a little bit when it was fresh, but stopped after a few days worth of posts. Thanks for the link. </p>
<p>And yes, I guess I do have a slightly Utopian view of BS. Forgive me.</p>
<p>@emdee: I’m working my way through the Black Ice thread right now and caught this in one of your posts: “I know this is a reality at bs and public schools, but don’t ask me to be comfortable with the drugs and alcohol, even if I did the same thing.”</p>
<p>If you can be uncomfortable with it, can’t I ?</p>
<p>I highly recommend From Chocolate to Morphine: Everything You Need to Know About Mind-Altering Drugs by Dr. Andrew Weil.</p>
<p>It is very, very objective. He differentiates between experimentation, using, abusing and addiction. He talks straight about the danger of all drugs but says if you are going to use, then learn how to use the drug in a healthy and safe manner. Each chapter goes over classes of drugs (Stimulants, Depressants, Psychedelics, Marijuana, Inhalents, Medical & Herbal Drugs). He even has a chaper on alternatives to taking drugs - how to get ‘high’ using what chemicals your brain already produces. He also talks straight about the legal consequences of choosing to use illegal drugs.</p>
<p>There is no preaching, no exaggeration of the dangers of certain drugs - A great platform for education and further discussion.</p>
<p>7dads–I’ve been one of those bummer parents who is rethinking BSand echoes the sentiment: " If you are uncomfortable with them facing these issues away from your daily observation, rethink bs. . . " .[not just drugs/alcohol, but also sex, social meanness, and confidence issues, btw]. However, I’m starting to moderate my comments to something more constructive: if you are inclined to send D/S to BS, don’t let up as a parent–you need to know your kid and continue to be their advocate. That means being involved for class choices, ECs, friends, life decisions–they still need and value for input and so does the school (since they can’t be there for every kid much of the time)! We had a class related issue recently (1/2 thru the year) and the school was relatively clueless about S’s struggle (in advanced class) because he was ecking out a B grade (but at great pain/expense). Once raised, everyone agreed to a solution that will absolutely help–but it amazed me that no one would have said boo if we didn’t push them to dig into the situation.</p>
<p>7 Dad: I don’t think you are over sensitive. We have a zero tolerance for drugs in our house, so yeah I am not comfortable with my kids using drugs and convey that often. My point is, don’t be shocked by the presence of drugs at bs. Don’t be shocked by the many bad choices kids at bs make from using drugs to skipping class. Don’t be surprised that your kid will have to deal with all the issues grinzing mentioned and more. It is hs and the fact that is a residential hs, and your child is far from daily parental interaction, makes it tougher, not easier. Despite all of the real and potential issues my d has had to face, she would absolutely be in the same school if she had to do it all over again. She is maturing wonderfully, in ways that would not have been possible at home. Knowing how to say no to drugs and alcohol makes me very proud of her ability to make sound choices. And if she decides to engage in behavior that leads to disciplinary action she knows there will be school consequences as well as consequences at home. Whatever school your d attends, whether bs or local school, there will be kids who use drugs. There is nothing you can do about other kids behavior. When looking at bs I wanted to know how the administration responded to substance abuse and other disciplinary issues. I like the way my d’s school has responded, with firmness, openness and compassion.</p>
<p>grinzing,
I appreciate your comments very much because it’s important—and realistic— for people to hear a viewpoint that is not totally rosy. I think we get a lot of positive postings here from parents and kids for whom this is all very wonderful (especially as the work load gets progressively harder in later grades and the newness wears off), but it’s harder to post when things aren’t so perfect. </p>
<p>Nonetheless, I do like your more positive angle, because I hope it is a sign from you that positive progress is happening…</p>
<p>I too, have appreciated grinzing’s candor in discussing the ups and downs of his/her child’s BS experience. Thank you.</p>
<p>I guess one of many things that none of us really know about fellow parents here on CC is the relationship we have with our own child — as well as the temperament of our own children. My D is like those kids Black Ice mentions who can relax by sitting at their desk reading or listening to music, blissfully ignorant of the kids in her hall who seem to “go for a walk” with some frequency.</p>
<p>While we are leaning towards BS for her next year, we are still not 100% positive…even if she should get nothing but good news on March 10th. We have sent her away for up to a month for various educational programs/camps so it’s not like I haven’t let her out of my sight before. For some reason, the possibility of D&A in those contexts was never that real…at least to my admittedly naive eyes.</p>
<p>As some have noted, it may be better to go to any of these schools AFTER these sorts of issues come to the fore…as the leaders (adult and student alike) will be more tuned in to what is really going on.</p>
<p>Fingers cross for everyone waiting on March 10th news.</p>
<p>I must admit that I’ve never been a thrill seeker, not even in high school. I gather other members of my public high school senior class had a wild time camping out on school grounds the night before the last day of high school. Wild time as in, drinking, smoking, using (rumors) LSD–Even the kids going to elite colleges. I don’t know how true the rumors are, as I forgot that the night before the last day of high school had any significance, and went to sleep in my own bed at home, as usual. </p>
<p>I would ascribe my disinterest in substance use to a grave lack of criminal energy. I really would rather read a book than stay out late partying. In any high school, there will be students who find other activities more interesting than partying, particularly when there are such grave consequences for breaking the rules. </p>
<p>In some ways, the comparisons between public and private schools, between day schools and boarding schools miss the point. The question isn’t really what the substance use culture is at any particular school–it is, how will my child function in that environment? Some kids will never indulge in substance use, because they don’t want to, or don’t want to run the risk. Some kids will, no matter which type of school they attend, and the only uncertainty is whether or not they’ll get caught before graduation.</p>
<p>There are kids in the middle, who will be influenced by peers. If they find friends who don’t party, they’ll be fine. If they don’t make friends, or fall in with a fast crowd, then they’re better off at home, in my opinion.</p>
<p>It’s just very hard for me to look at 13 & 14 year old kids, and say, “he’s fine, but she’s at risk.” </p>
<p>Does this help, 7Dad?</p>
<p>I prefer to look at the substance abuse at boarding schools as a scenario of how PEOPLE make bad choices. Teens are not the only ones who do drugs. If we remember that even the brightest are fallible human beings (adults or otherwise), the reality is a little easier to comprehend. That’s not to say that I’m okay with substance abuse, but understanding why it happens makes the situation a bit easier to accept.</p>
<p>I think my poor sentence construction may have led some people to mis-interpret my last post…</p>
<p>“I guess one of many things that none of us really know about fellow parents here on CC is the relationship we have with our own child — as well as the temperament of our own children.”</p>
<p>I should have written: "“I guess one of many things that none of us really know about fellow parents here on CC is the relationship another parent has with his/her own child —as well as the temperament of another’s child”.</p>
<p>I am actually not that worried about my own daughter’s predilections. I AM concerned about sending her to any school where D&A seems like it’s prevalent…a de rigeur part of the social scene. For example, I would never send either of my kids to the Hampshire College of yore (if its reputation was in fact warranted)…no matter how good a fit it seemed. Or even the Penn State of today (listen to the This American Life piece “#1 Party School” for reference.) Call me old-fashioned.</p>
<p>Just a few days to go now. Sending positive thoughts to all — but especially two kids I’ve “adopted” via the “Secret Santa” thread.</p>
<p>I think, in the end, we have to send them out into the world sometime. For me, the reality is that drug and alcohol use seems to be more prevalent at local schools than at boarding schools. It’s just the intimacy of the environment that makes it appear amplified. And of course - those cases are talked about in the school’s communication whereas I’m struggling to find a single case where local schools with similar issues talk about it with such candor and openness.</p>
<p>I don’t think there are any easy answers to this. I just know - having gone through it, and having a daughter in the middle of it - that those students who are caught doing D&A had other “issues” prior to admissions (lax parenting, don’t want to be there, etc. - or the flip side: such restrictive environments that they’re experimenting with their “freedom.”). My daughter talks about kids who talk of their own parent’s drug use at home, for instance. Or the permissive behavior that says the kids got everything they wanted and no one ever told them no. </p>
<p>The others - the majority - the ones that are self motivated - have too much on their plates to be bothered.</p>
<p>If students are able to avoid or deflect the problems at home, BS won’t pose any additional challenge. If your child feels free to talk it out, you’re doubly blessed.</p>
<p>I didn’t attend Hampshire College, so I don’t know if its reputation was warranted. I don’t know how to determine a school’s D&A culture. Students will give you their opinion of other schools, but their opinion is often based on someone’s sister’s boyfriend’s chance remark, i.e. rumor.</p>
<p>If we think of substance use as a wide category, I would worry about the abuse of ADD medication, such as Ritalin and Adderal (sp?). How could you tell if that sort of abuse were widespread? There’s a really good reason those drugs are prescription drugs. Taking them without a prescription could be much more dangerous than sneaking a beer.</p>
<p>Periwinkle, Yes, those are very dangerous drugs indeed. I know a few people who really need it, but the side-effects are just too much. It’s frightening to think that students are using these medicines for recreational use. They were made to help those in great need, and they are very powerful.</p>
<p>Very interesting responses. I went to an elite college and was floored that kids still drank and did drugs, even the brightest of the bunch. It is disappointing to see, and upsetting to read about. A BS experience is such an opportunity, and most will appreciate it. But like everyone is saying, there is no such thing as a perfectly clean drug free environment. Our kids will have to have the coping skills to deal with it, the best that they can.</p>