<p>OP:</p>
<p>I'm sure there are others with similar concerns. It'd be interesting to see how this turns out once your D goes to college. I hope you'll share with us how it worked out.</p>
<p>I still don't get the concern</p>
<p>anyone else concerned or freaked because their roommates might form a clique before they have even met?</p>
<p>CGM, that's not particularly kind. Every potential freshman, who is about to embark on a completely unknown life, will worry about different things. You may feel compelled to pass judgment, but the young woman's concern is perfectly normal. We all worry about things that could be attacked and be found irrational if picked apart, but I defy you to find one incoming freshman who doesn't have something that he or she worries about. I'm also sure that your daughters will have concerns that someone else might find ludicrous or worth sneering at, but hopefully other people will remember that the weeks before going to college are fraught and offer understanding rather than judgment. To the OP, you've gotten some great advice here, and I don't think you or your daughter are in the least racist. It's perfectly normal -- and when your daughter communicates with the roomates you may find lots of common ground. My daughter was concerned when she got her roomate assignment two weeks ago because the roomate has a fiancee also attending the college. The two communicated, found some common interests, and the roomate made clear that she will go home every weekend that the school doesn't require her presence. Some very kind CCers offered kind words to me and I appreciated them. I hope everything works out magnificently for your daughter.</p>
<p>I think these are the weeks where kids get room-mate assignments, get freaked, get over it. My d got her assignment, saw the girl isn't on facebook, looked up the address (near a major university) worried that room mate would think she (D) is from some loser town in a hick state. I spent 30 minutes worrying. Meanwhile she was over it in 5 and moved on to the other kids in the hall. Found 4 or 5 that she has already bonded with.
The OP's worry about language is legit. Isn't this site where we get to work these things through?</p>
<p>the OPs D certainlly passed judgement, guess we ignore that</p>
<p>my point is to ASSUME that just because the girls both may speak Korean, that they will instantly bond and leave OPs Ds out is just not fair </p>
<p>having a roommate who is engaged, and if I remember correctly, all over the BF and ignoring everyone else</p>
<p>this is NOT the same thing, this is judging people before they have even met and the judgement is based on birth, and not being American enough</p>
<p>Normal, this was not normal, to assume that two girls would exclude the D just because they have a language in common, and that they will sit and talk to each other and ignore the D, who seems to have unrealistic expections for what a roommate is</p>
<p>Kind is not assuming that two "foriegners" will shut out the D because she is not Korean, that is not right</p>
<p>worry is one thing, but "However, she is very upset that she will be the "odd man out" in this situation - not at all a matter of prejudice. In fact, her fear is that she will be the minority and is afraid that she will feel lonely and left out" well, that is prejudiced, assuming the girls won't speak english around her, gee</p>
<p>I STIILL don't get why the language thing is a legit worry, if the girls slip into Korean, all D has to do is speak up</p>
<p>D is assuming the roommates will be rude from the get go, with nothing to base it on, but some preconcieved notions of how some non-native (we assume) english speakers will act</p>
<p>yeah, I see a component of prejudice here, that these 2 girls will be rude, ignore the 3rd girl, speak in a foriegn language around D, just because the 2 girls have some background in common</p>
<p>The idea that the girl will feel in the minority? and that is bad how exactlly, those two Korean girls will be most likely in the minority on the whole campus and was the D thinking about that at all? As a mom, I would have told my D, hey, take this opportunity to show both girls around school, help them out if need be, etc, and if there is a huge cultural difference, cool, not the end of the world at all, I would't feed the fear of being "a minority" and the preconcieved notions of being "left out"</p>
<p>I would foster in my D the idea of inclusion, the idea that maybe one of the girls might have never been to America and its all new, and I would hope my D wouldn't be so fearful, but instead would find ways to embrace the situation and find ways to get everyone to grow</p>
<p>Actually, I think the worst part of this scenario is the use of triples in dorms. Just too many people in too little space.</p>
<p>Interestingly, my son requested a triple and is excited about the idea of having two roommates even though triples at his college aren' t much bigger than doubles. He is also interested in being an RA his soph year, but is concerned that at his college RAs are put into singles. He wants at least one roommate, and already has inquired if it would be possible to do that as an RA.</p>
<p>S has had summer camp experiences with one roommate (including one who was a bit irritating), so he has been in rooming situations before so.</p>
<p>I have been interested to see how he views roommates so positively particularly since -- except for about one year when he and his older brother shared a room -- at home, S has always had his own room and bathroom.</p>
<p>Three can be an awkward number in virtually any social setting. It is the lucky parent whose child, daughter especially, has not gone through one of those sudden odd-kid-out times in a formerly cozy group of friends. Even when everything is all patched up the experience can leave a bad taste and a sense that one would rather not go through it again. </p>
<p>That said, lots of schools use triples for space reasons, so it is just one of those soemtimes less appealing aspects of dorm life that have to be dealt with and as others have noted, civility and consideration rather than bosom-buddiness are really the issues, especially for first-year students, who will be meeting lots of new people and making new friendships in many settings.</p>
<p>Incidentally, I have often noticed that, being in a business setting or being a customer in a setting where people are speaking a language other than English and take a break from their non-English chatter can be offputting. Language is a great unifier as well as divider. Maintaining cultural pride and cultural identity within diverse ethnic groups does not preclude the use of a unifying language--in this case English--in a country where there are so many cultures and languages. I would think, too, that an international student would be very eager to improive or perfect her English and that it would be doing her no favors to avoid use of the language that she has presumably come to the United States to learn--and to learn in.</p>
<p>"I would think, too, that an international student would be very eager to improive or perfect her English and that it would be doing her no favors to avoid use of the language that she has presumably come to the United States to learn--and to learn in."</p>
<p>While that is true, the international student will have plenty of time to learn English by going to class and participating in various other activities on campus.</p>
<p>I don't know if anyone beside me has done an immersion in a language that's not your native one, and you're still having to think a lot about to be articulate in, but it really is exhausting to do that 24/7. I can very well imagine that if either roommate is not 100% fluent in English, one may wish to speak Korean now and then in the privacy of her "home", which at college would be her dorm room.</p>
<p>I think that living with someone whose first language is not English is different than working with someone whose first language isn't English. After all, people who are nonnative speakers presumably can go home and speak whatever language they choose. Someone living on a college campus, however, is "home' when they are in their dorm room.</p>
<p>I think it would be rude for any of the students to always speak a foreign language in their dorm room when someone is present who doesn't speak that language. However, I hope that there's also room for empathy and understanding if sometimes one of the roommates does speak Korean even though one roommate doesn't understand that language.</p>
<p>As someone pointed out, the OP's D may be in a minority group when it comes to the composition of her rooming situation, but more than likely, both of her roommates will be in the minority when you consider the entire campus. Particularly for the student who is coming from Korea, that will add to the stress of freshman year, and I hope that the OP's D will take this as an opportunity to be a support to her roommate. I imagine, too, the roommate from Korea has lots of concern that she'll be left out of things in general.</p>
<p>For instance, I've seen international students posting on CC about their fears that they'll have difficulty making friends or being understood in class because of their accents.</p>
<p>Korean-immigrant studying in California here. Oh, I'm a girl too.
OP, I definitely understand your concern and I am in no way offended.
There are a lot of Koreans who speak Korean among themselves even in schools in US. For me, that's disrespectful for one to speak another language around others who cannot understand. I also know many Koreans, including myself who will never, ever speak Korean in school even if they are surrounded by Koreans. Even though I came to US when I was in 5th grade, I was exposed to some English since I was five years old. Believe it or not, English is now more comfortable for me.
What I'm saying is that your daughter should not be extremely concerned. I'm not a college student yet, but I hear you don't have to become best friends with your roommates or even your floormates. As long as there is mutual respect for each other, I don't think this will be a big problem. Everyone has their own "speaking" style. So it is time consuming as well as unfair to worry before getting to know them.
PM me for any questions.</p>
<p>Hadn't read thru this thead before, saw the mention of Korean and had to add my 2 cents. Though white N. American, I have Korean family through marriage, and native Korean roommates from a nearby school. </p>
<p>Though I understand the concern of the original poster, were I to be concerned for anyone in this scenario, I'd be concerned for the girl from NYC. Whether Korean speaking or not, she is going to be caught between 2 cultures, Korean historic culture which carries a certain number of rules and sense of obligation that Americans can't fully grasp, and her peer American culture. My gen X Korean brother goes through this all the time...not fluent in the language, and there are so many rules that he may or may not know, that communication with more traditional Koreans sometimes is fraught with anxiety. </p>
<p>For a time I had frequent phone calls with a family contact who was a freshman at a large state school from overseas. Though Korean, she had gone to an English speaking HS. She was very frustrated with not feeling part of any group, disliked the cliques and hard drinking of the korean crowd at her school, but didn't feel included in any non Korean groups, so was quite lonely and frustrated. </p>
<p>So the girl from NYC may feel quite caught between cultures, and frustrated with a sense of needing to take on the role of helper and cultural interpreter, when all she wants is a normal American college experience. She may be quite glad to have a more typical American roommate who is part of her peer culture.</p>
<p>The girl from Korea, though passing TOEFL, may need a little extra patience with language and slang. I'd think she might really appreciate a roommate who is willing to help her with some of the subtleties of American culture and language and is inclusive. Whether she chooses to bond with mostly a Korean crowd in college or has the language skills and friendly enough peers in class and dorm to become part of a more mixed ethnic crowd remains to be seen. </p>
<p>They may speak Korean to each other a bit. It may be enormously helpful to the girl from Korea at times, as well as less exhausting. With any manners at all, conversation I'd think would be mostly in English. In response to a previous poster about learning languages, Korean is non tonal, though multi syllabic, so not hard to pick up a few words with time, though speaking Korean well, with the multiple suffixes is quite the study!</p>
<p>So to put a positive spin on this, your daughter in ways has a unique opportunity, to learn about a culture from the perspective of a native as well as first generation. I'd see alliances as easily going in a variety of directions in this triad, hopefully all three can enjoy their urique perspectives. As well, all three have cause for anxiety, as with any new freshmen. </p>
<p>Have to post my own leanings here as well, that I love living with Koreans, for the great consideration and kindness that is reciprocal in this situation, as well as with my Korean family.</p>
<p>what a fine posting, greatlakesmom!
I learned a lot by reading it.</p>
<p>I ran this by a young Korean friend of my D's. She felt it could go either way. She said for her she would have dreaded getting a Korean roommate who was from Korea. She felt that she had lived with Korean guilt for long enough and was looking to get away from it all college. She felt that a student from Korean would probably be more traditional. So the girl from NY might not be so happy.
She said also it could be worse. Her cousin got stuck with two wealthy girls from Beverly Hills.</p>
<p>^^I'd have a harder time understanding the language of "two wealthy girls from Beverly Hills" than figuring out the Korean words :)</p>
<p>mom60-exactly what I was trying to convey! Thanks.</p>
<p>There are all sorts of cultural divides...</p>
<p>I was told my comments weren't nice, and that is okay</p>
<p>I am not a coddler and I guess I saw some misplaced fear that hinted at racism, the idea that just because a person or people are from the same background, which is a HUGE assumption anyway, they will act a certain way</p>
<p>my point is what mom60 said so simply</p>
<p>THere are certain concerns that are understandable- will I get along, will I make friends, will I miss home, etc., and then there are those fears of people because they are different and a preconcieved notion of how they will be because of luck of birthplace, skin color, language etc</p>
<p>Sure college is a whole new world for most, and many concerns are well, understandable, but many are from insecruity, paranoia, etc and don't need to be feed into, to do that does a disservice to all involved</p>
<p>I thought the OP might be interested in what my S learned from Facebook yesterday about his roommates in his triple. S will be a freshman. They are sophomores. They also clearly are close friends since they have pictures together in one's Facebook.</p>
<p>S does not party. By many people's standards, he'd be considered a nerd. His main activity is community service including being involved in a program that helps people make good decisions including about drinking.</p>
<p>In virtually all of the pictures in his rooommate's Facebook, people are clearly partying with cans of booze in their hands or with bottles of liquor in front of them. </p>
<p>S is black and has an extremely racially diverse group of laid back friends who aren't into material things. Roommates are white (no problem with that. Considering it's a mainstream college, S expected this) and all of their female friends appear to be Paris Hilton lookalikes with very nice wardrobes. One Facebook picture shows 2 such young women giving the finger while several guys laugh. There are no people of color in their pictures.</p>
<p>S is not into material things, doesn't have his own car, and is not interested in having a car in college. One picture shows one of S's roommates standing next to a sports car that probably costs atl least $50 k.</p>
<p>Before he got his roommate assignment, I asked S (who is black) how he'd feel if he got the kind of roommates that the OP's D has. He thought it sounded like an interesting roommate situation, and was surprised that the OP's D was concerned about potential problems. S likes diversity and has friends who are from the same Asian cultures including some whose native language was not English. It isn't unusual for him to be the only person of his race/nationality in a small group, and that hasn't caused any problems.</p>
<p>I'd gladly trade concerns with the OP.</p>
<p>NSM, that is a really disturbing assignment and I am sorry to hear about it. I didn't think the OP's question was so much about ethnic differnces as about communication. It sounds like that in your son's case too, where he will be dealing with kids for whom conspicuous consumption, inappropriate behavior, and frequent underage drinking are part of the public image that they want to project to the world. The only possibly redeeming feature might be that college freshman sometimes have a skewed sense of what to show off, and that in real life they may not be quite as stereotypically obnoxious as they look. I hope it somehow works out well.</p>
<p>I'll be hoping for you (and your son!) too, Northstarmom. Doesn't sound ideal, by any means, but I hope he'll find a way to deal with it.</p>