<p>Well, this is scary, when I am about to send my D off to college. What are some ways for us parents to help our daughters not become this statistic? Obviously, no drinking, or no heavy drinking, watch your drink, and never drink the "frat punch".<br>
What am I missing?</p>
<p>[note added] The article is covered here: <a href="http://time.com/100542/the-sexual-assault-crisis-on-american-campuses/">http://time.com/100542/the-sexual-assault-crisis-on-american-campuses/</a></p>
<p>The most important thing is for people to teach their sons not to assault women. It saddens me deeply that we teach our daughters many ways to not be assaulted but do not teach our sons not to assault women.</p>
<p>On a more practical note, telling her not to drink or drink heavily is useless. However, I would encourage use of a buddy system. She should go out with people she trusts and plan to check in regularly with them through the evening.</p>
<p>There is no sure fire way to avoid sexual assaults. The only way to do that would be to teach assailants how now to assault… but that’s not happening any time soon. </p>
<p>I despise telling women and men how “not to get assaulted” but since you specifically asked (and because you cannot control how others raise their children): yes to everything you said (though no drinking is not realistic), along with trying to have sober friends around that watch out for each other, always travel in groups, travel on well lit paths and never be afraid to just leave an uncomfortable situation. Being aware of your surroundings and knowing how to assert yourself and leave a situation are always very important. </p>
<p>Taking a self defense class and carrying pepper spray is another good way to protect yourself (that goes beyond sexual assaults). </p>
<p>Remember that MOST women (and men) do not experience sexual assaults. There is at least some comfort in that. </p>
<p>I agree that most people do not experience assualts in general, and I am not of a paranoid nature, but I would just like to make sure my D is as prepared as possible. If I had a S going to college, I would have him watch out for young ladies who are way too drunk, and have him treat them as he would a family member, </p>
<p>I told my son when he went off to college, he should ALWAYS walk girls home. It is never out of the way and doesn’t take that long. When I went to school, as well as today, it is not uncommon for upperclassmen to invite freshman girls, but not the guys. It is up to the girls to stop this practice. Don’t go if the guys can’t come as well.</p>
<p>Telling 18-year olds not to drink is unrealistic. 90% will. Encourage 1 glass of water for every drink if they plan on drinking. If they didn’t make it or open it, don’t drink it. It is sad you have to think about these things.</p>
<p>Bystander training is getting to be more “popular”. A friend shared this video and I know there are many more done by specific schools. This one is long but I love how it backtracks and shows all the points that the situation could change course if someone stepped in. I actually thought back to it the other day when I had to step into a situation (not sexual assault) where a person might wonder what do do or how to act. I would show this or something like it to my D but also encourage her to share it with her friends (male and female) at a “coffee klatch” type event where they can discuss how to help one another.</p>
<p><a href=“www.whoareyou.co.nz - YouTube”>www.whoareyou.co.nz - YouTube;
<p>“Don’t drink what he gives you, no matter how cute he is.”</p>
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I am the mother of two sons - one just out of college and one just out of high school and heading for college in the fall - and yes, my H and I have taught them not to assault women. Just sayin …
ETA: In a perfect world, no one would have to be taught not to assault anyone. But it is not a perfect world and college students - male and female - need to be prepared to be responsibile for themselves and look out for those around them as well. </p>
<p>^^^ Same. From a very early age we taught both our boys that No <em>always</em> means No.</p>
<p>saintfan, that’s a good video. Question, how do you know if someone isn’t supposed to be going home with that person? Like in the scenario with “The Stranger”, how are you supposed to know if a couple macking it up on the wall isn’t genuine?</p>
<p>There was an incident this winter at the University of Oregon involving a young woman and several basketball players. I read the police report and the whole thing is horrible and sad from beginning to end. (warning on the report if you seek it out - not posting) Part of what I got out of it was that the young woman had warped (to me) ideas about what happens or should happen at college and the young men involved had this idea that it was all OK until she cried when they say they stopped. At one point in her statement she says something to the effect of “I thought that’s what went on in college”. There was a whole series of people throughout the evening who could/should have stepped in and didn’t for whatever reason and points at which everyone directly involved could have taken a different course. Reading it, I felt like what people call the “rape culture” includes all those baby steps and points along the way where a host of people decide either consciously or through inaction that what’s happening is normal and OK. One of the unsettling parts of this is that young women also need to shift how they are thinking and how much they conform to what they think the cultural expectations are.</p>
<p>So there is no way?</p>
<p>??? What do you mean?</p>
<p>I don’t know how you are supposed to know - there is gray for sure but there are times when a person can tell that something isn’t right and maybe just asking or taking some action can let a person “come up for air” and take a different course. You have to be willing to risk looking like an idiot or having both parties tell you to F-off and mind your own business. It takes some willingness to stick your neck out.</p>
<p>Trust and follow your instincts. Don’t be afraid to say no or leave a situation quickly or report something. For young women, learn to be strong and not be afraid that someone won’t like you if you don’t go along with something that makes you feel uncomfortable. Does the college or university have something like Alcohol Edu or similar program. What is the culture on campus and are there supports in place for anonoymous reporting. What is the response to a report of sexual misconduct or assault. Is there a crisis or rapid response team on campus. How is bullying handled on campus? Use the buddy system and make sure one person does not drink alcohol for the evening, something like a designated driver. Be aware of your surroundings. Don’t be the only female or male in a room with a closed door. </p>
<p>Something I wish someone had told me: A) Don’t go into a room by yourself and lock the door with someone
<p>B) just because you are in a relationship with someone you do not have to be sexually available at their will. If they behave that way, DUMP THEM. </p>
<p>Doesn’t matter if you are male or female - drink responsibly or drink in moderation and do unto others etc. etc. If we had alittle more responsible or moderate drinking and alittle more “do unto others” there wouldn’t be far less need for sensational news stories.</p>
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<p>All other answers other than a clear “yes” from someone who is sober and fully capable of making a consent decision mean “no” as well.</p>
<p>But that only protects the parties in question from murky questionable consent situations. A predatory rapist won’t stop because someone told him to stop (and may try to get the victim drunk or drugged enough to not be able to resist or give a useful testimony to police or courts if it comes to that).</p>
<p>“The most important thing is for people to teach their sons not to assault women. It saddens me deeply that we teach our daughters many ways to not be assaulted but do not teach our sons not to assault women.”</p>
<p>I appreciate the sentiment here, however, it’s a bit like saying we should teach our citizenry not to rob, assault, kill etc. Most all of us are taught that it is wrong and most don’t commit those crimes. However, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t learn how to best prevent myself from getting into situation that would increase my risk of these things happening to ME. Out of a campus of 50% men and 50% woman you can have 99% of the men never imagine assualting a woman but women have to watch out for the 1% who do. Unfortunately guys don’t wear a sign “I was never taught not to assault woman”. If your goal is to eliminate all chance of woman being assaulted without having to take some responsiblity for their own safety then the problem will never be solved. </p>
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I have become persuaded that a substantial portion of campus sexual assaults are committed by serial predators, and they can only be restrained by the actions of others, not by teaching them anything. So I think both women and men need to learn about predatory behavior, and how to identify it and how to protect yourself (and others) from it. I think having other people to look out for you is by far the best protection.</p>