<p>The GFG, those are exactly the types of convo’s I hear my gf’s having with their kids in the middle of our tennis game (which we pay lots of money to do.) The kids were even calling when they were overseas during their jr. yr. abroads!</p>
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<p>I don’t think this is just limited to the younger generation…but those who are extremely insecure with their own decisions and have a tendency to try foisting the responsibility for making them on others. </p>
<p>Recently had a chat with an older friend on this very issue of asking such types of low-stakes questions by reminding him that 1. I’m much younger than him and 2. You’re more than old enough to make these types of decisions without having to heavily rely on others to act as your parental/older sibling figures. 3. This type of behavior is often interpreted as annoying by many and probably factored into previously mentioned problems he’s had at work and in personal relationships with other friends/SOs. </p>
<p>Moreover, I did have a similar “weird moment” when I found a younger friend who is a recent graduate at 25 has never even seen a tax form…much less have a vague working idea of how to do one. </p>
<p>He still has his parents do his taxes and when he mentioned that to me when asking me about apartments/personal finances stuff, I told him that even if he wanted to have someone else do his taxes…it is extremely important for him to gain that vague working idea himself so he could at least check up on it to catch potential mistakes. Especially considering the IRS will hold him legally liable for them.</p>
<p>emilybee–just curious–have you ever asked your tennis friends to turn their phones off while you play? I guess they would not be comfortable with that but honestly, I turn mine off when I am in meetings, and pursuing my personal hobbies. I would find it rude if they stopped your games to talk!</p>
<p>As to frequency of calls, I think whatever works and makes both parent/kid happy is fine. I would NOT be happy with constant interruptions but on the other hand, I want my kids to feel they can call if they are upset or just need to hear my voice or just want to say hi. My D at college dislikes talking on the phone, would rather text. We send long email ‘letters’ weekly and text between, probably talk 1x a week at most–sometimes not that much.</p>
<p>My mother, who is 88, asks me to make all her decisions and always has. My kids do chat with me a lot, but it’s not that kind of thing. It’s a random Shakespeare quote that came into their mind that they want to share with someone who will get it or a political vent that they want to share with someone who will agree.</p>
<p>One went to England and the other to Florence not problem, so I don’t think dependency is the issue.</p>
<p>I think we parents are lucky to be friends with our kids as well as parents. My parents’ culture and values were too different from mine for that to have been the case.</p>
<p>For instance, DS just texted, “Maurice Sendak died.” Nothing but “awwwwww” is required in response. I suppose when he has a significant other these texts will be much less frequent.</p>
<p>DD and I don’t text because she reserves that for close friends and boyfriends. Her calls have more import, and they are often about a contemplated expenditure on a fashion item. I am often unsure of whether she wants to be talked out of or into the expenditure.</p>
<p>People communicate in lots of different ways. Some people like to bounce ideas, problems, and questions off somebody else–that doesn’t necessarily mean they want that person to make the decision. My son does this all the time, and he seems quite happy with advice like: “It’s up to you,” or “Use your common sense,” or “Weigh the pros and cons.” Also, it can be useful to vent to somebody who’s not physically present.</p>
<p>That’s a great observation, Hunt.</p>
<p>I agree, Hunt. I myself tend to think out loud by talking. But back in the dark ages when we only had the dorm hall phone, we just did what we had to do and made all the little daily decisions without conferring with our parents first. With the advent of cell phones and the internet, I think some kids can become lazy about doing the work of thinking everyday things through and just continue to use mom and dad as their auxiliary brain. Parents, knowing they have the ability to be in constant communication, have also become lazy about preparing their children to go out in the world and be independent and self-sufficient. Rather than teach them how to make decisions, fill out forms at the doctor’s office, do their taxes, etc. they put if off because the kid can just call them later when necessary.</p>
<p>Mythmom, my son also texts me but not often. Most of his communications is also like your daughter’s - can I buy this or that? These days bulk of it is in expensive software that he can buy as a student that he won’t be able to…and most of it is to use me as a buffer so he does not have to go to his Dad who is a lot more careful about money than I am.</p>
<p>Your post made me laugh.</p>
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<p>Very well said! I think the author (I mean the Stanford prof, not TheGFG) does not allow for the possibility of a non-dysfunctional family. Does she believe that even people who have become wise and caring adults, possibly through an orphaning experience, will inevitably make dreadful parents? Would Jane Eyre be a terrible mother? While all people are flawed and the best parent is far from perfect, I believe with TheGFG that some families are loving and non-manipulative, and in such a family the offspring do not necessarily need a dramatic rupture in order to claim their independence.</p>
<p>“Parents, knowing they have the ability to be in constant communication, have also become lazy about preparing their children to go out in the world and be independent and self-sufficient”</p>
<p>I would change that sentence to “Kids, knowing they have the ability to be in constant…have been lazy about LISTENING AND ABSORBING when their parents try to prepare them to go out in the world and be independent and self-sufficient”</p>
<p>As someone who was forced by circumstance to “grow up” mighty quickly and quite young, it baffles me that my kids text me with questions they can figure out for themselves or about something I have already guided them to do on their own previously…</p>
<p>I, for one, will not take the “blame” for any of this…</p>
<p>I must admit, though, that I have two kids that are diametric opposites when it comes to communication/questions/guidance etc…not sure why that is but I’m sure a psychologist could figure it out if I cared to ask…</p>
<p>I used to talk to D1 at minium once a day when she was in college. We would even do virtual shopping together - go to NM page and see their new collections. Now that she is working, living on her own, sometimes we would go for days without talking. It came by gradually, no big break up. She also has a BF now, so I am sure she is “communicating” with him more often than with me, and that’s perfectly normal.</p>
<p>My mom and I text a lot every day, and we talk on the phone a few times a week. When I was single we probably talked on the phone almost every day, but I have less time now that I am living with a boyfriend. I almost never call her with a problem or for advice… I can figure most things out on my own. We just like to chat. This is normal for my family-- my grandma drops by at least once a week and calls my mom every day. My mom likes to text instead of calling because she feels it’s less intrusive… though if she has something important or long to discuss she’ll text and ask me to call when I am available.</p>
<p>I don’t think we’re abnormal but I’ve been criticized in other CC threads in the past for being too connected with my mom… I think that’s silly. A lot of kids these days text their parents just like they would their friends… most of my texts with mom are, “hey, this funny thing just happened.” If anything my mom is seriously struggling because it’s been a long time since I’ve needed her help with anything…</p>
<p>achat: So happy to have made you laugh!</p>
<p>“emilybee–just curious–have you ever asked your tennis friends to turn their phones off while you play? I guess they would not be comfortable with that but honestly, I turn mine off when I am in meetings, and pursuing my personal hobbies. I would find it rude if they stopped your games to talk!”</p>
<p>No, because it’s 3 against 1, plus it’s been going on for 15 years already! Started when all our kids were much younger so if there was an emergency everyone felt they needed to be able to be reached. All the dads (except mine) are doctors and the kids/schools knew not to call the fathers.</p>
<p>Geez…My son graduates from high school in a few weeks. I fly out to China for 5 weeks the next day. Who’s really flying the coop? ;)</p>