To Give Up or Not to Give Up

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Okay, so I have always known that I wanted to go to college; and after a year off after high school (I had graduated a year early though, so I'm still the same age as everyone else), I am now at my first-choice school. I know it's only been a month, but I don't know if I can continue for four years. Allow me to give some background:</p>

<p>In my first 2-3 years of high school (I was homeschooled my entire life), I could work nonstop. I had such self-discipline that if my work wasn't done I wouldn't even consider doing something fun. I practiced the piano every single day. I could push myself hard in sports too--I just had great self-control. I am also a perfectionist/OCD, so I got really good grades.</p>

<p>However, things eventually started to slide. My senior year was awful--I couldn't focus anymore and had so little motivation. I completely messed up my sleep cycle because though I couldn't focus, I was still a perfectionist, so the work almost always eventually got done (though that year I asked for more extensions than usual). I lost my interest in piano. I had no clue what to do about college; and eventually I decided to take a year off (a decision I do not regret). I just burnt myself out I guess with all that nonstop work during high school.</p>

<p>Well, over the year off, things didn't really change...this was not just senioritis. I began to skip piano practices eventually, I could not push myself as hard physically or mentally in things, and I still had no motivation and no focus. Now that I'm in school again, it is still a struggle. I think part of it is my OCD tendencies and how annoying that makes school, but there's more to it. I get stressed really easily, and the thought of harder classes (my classes this semester are super easy, and I'm still having a hard time focusing and doing the work) and four more years of school is quite daunting. I also don't really have friends here (I never have had many friends) and am not too interested in getting to know many people (I've always done better with adults as opposed to people my own age anyway). I still go through short periods of pretty intense unhappiness where everything just seems so hopeless and I feel like I will never get myself back on track again.</p>

<p>I have basically lost my zeal for life. I don't know what I want to do, I cannot get myself to work or be productive...I don't have the self-discipline I used to have. There have been so many times in the past month where I have just wanted to give up so hard, but everyone will be disappointed in me, I'll be disappointed in myself...but I don't know if I can stick it out. Also, I really didn't want to graduate with debt, and I'm going to have to if I stay at this school. So I am now debating whether to transfer out, stay here, or just drop out and move away on my own. I feel so trapped right now. I literally have one person I can talk to about everything as I am a really private person, but that doesn't really help.</p>

<p>I don't really know what I'm looking for here--advice, a listening ear...</p>

2

<p>Do a couple of things:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Go and get some tutorial help. All colleges have this available. Find out what you need to do.</p></li>
<li><p>Find out about counseling services at your college. </p></li>
</ol>

3

<p>Sending Hugs to you !! You have accomplished great things, but perfectionism can be a killer. Colleges come in all shapes and sizes, and there is not one answer that is right for everyone.</p>

<p>What interests you? Are there any hopes and dreams left inside your head, what do you imagine yourself doing after you finish college? Do you have a major that still “fits” you?</p>

<p>You sound like you are the type of person who will have the drive to complete college later if you choose to take time off now. But it also sounds like you need some help working through a lot of personal issues before you will know if quitting or transferring is the right thing to do.</p>

<p>Check out your college’s counseling services. You might also want to get some medical help. We can’t diagnose here at cc, but there are qualified people at your school who can point you in the right direction.</p>

<p>I don’t think you should just quit until you have talked this through with a counselor.I think you need to get more answers before you will have the confidence to move forward with a decision. Otherwise, you will be sitting at home with a boatload of guilt, and might stay paralyzed and unable to take whatever next step you were hoping for.</p>

4

<p>Definitely go to the counselling center. It’s not a sign of defeat or weakness. My perfectionist D was paralysed by indecision and anxiety during her final year of university. She sought out the counselling service and found a great resource. Her counsellor served as a sounding board for her issues and gave her some coping strategies. D’s anxiety lessened and she ended up graduating with 2 degrees with honors. She’s working in her field right now, but is also applying to grad school. She’s so happy that she went to counselling (and it was free!). </p>

5

<p>Ditto on the counseling center. You have never experienced a structured academic life (home schooling puts you in charge, not the system). Now you are faced with all sorts of things that can cause you problems. It is imperative that you find causes and then ways to cope with the problems. You are in the system, with all sorts of help available- you do not (and should not) go it alone. You have resources you never had while being homeschooled- use them.</p>

6

<p>Azore13,
I didn’t have OCD so I don’t understand that part of it but I did go through a little of what you are going through when I was younger.
I was a good student in HS and 1st couple years in college and I could work really hard in school or other things when I wanted to. Then I lost my motivation and dropped out of school for a few years and went to work full time before I found my motivation and went back to school and finished with a B.S.C.S. when I was 28.</p>

<p>Motivation comes from within you and it comes from your outlook in life and your hope for the future. If you don’t have that nobody can talk you into it.
If you have tried many times to get out of the rut you are in and you can’t fight your way out of it then it’s ok to take off a couple years. Don’t think of it as giving up. Think of it as taking a break. Do think that you will get back to school later. Go get a job to support yourself, go make friends with adults or whoever you are comfortable with. Move away if you are not happy where you are. Keep an eye on the long term though. Even when you find a job that can pay the bill now, know that a degree will make it easier for you.</p>

<p>Keep thinking beyond today, know that it will get better. Good luck.</p>

7

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</p>

<p>This has nothing to do with home schooling. Lots of home schoolers go directly to college with no issues. I’m not a doctor, but this sounds like depression. Please talk with your parents and see a counselor.</p>

8

<p>I also wonder if you might have ADHD. Have you ever had a neuropsych. evaluation, or even a psychiatrist interview? These things might sound threatening but actually can be really helpful.</p>

<p>I would say, in practical terms, that you might want to make sure your transcript stays clean. In other words, if you really feel that you cannot do the semester that you are currently enrolled in, and you have fully explored that issue with a college counselor, it is better to leave than to fail and leave transcript problems behind.</p>

<p>If you do have depression, ADHD or any other diagnosable problem, you would be able to register with the disabilities office and get help, including accommodations.</p>

<p>Lots of changes happen in the brain around the age when you are describing a change in your functioning. Also, you may actually growing up and moving from external motivators (such as parental wishes or approval, grades) to more internal motivators, which are higher level but harder to access. There can be an in between time of low motivation when those less mature external motivators fade. (And not everyone moves on from them at all.)</p>

<p>Until you get a handle on the problem, perhaps you could just take one class at a time and volunteer or work.</p>

<p>Good luck! You are not alone in this, many of us have kids who dealt with changes in their late teens like yours.</p>

9

<p>Thanks for all the replies! I have considered going to the counseling center, but like I said, I’m a really private person, so I don’t know as I can do that. I’m still thinking about it though. I’ve never had a neuropysch. evaluation or psychiatrist interview, though I have often thought that I should see about it. My family does have a history of OCD and depression, though it has never been diagnosed.</p>

<p>I can definitely get through my classes this semester; I’m finding them very easy, though I’m behind on homework (this makes is a bit stressful, as well as the thought of later semesters when the classes will be a lot harder) I am considering going to the Academic Support Center to get help not with any class in particular as I’m doing fine in all of them but just with homework help.</p>

<p>Today’s a bit more of a positive day, so my outlook on everything is pretty good right now. I’m just sick of having that outlook shift back and forth so dramatically. I was able to go to the library for a good part of the day to try to catch up with some homework…I still have a TON left though because I work so slowly (I could work a lot faster; I just don’t because of, well, OCD and the fact that I actually like to absorb and pay close attention to what I learn).</p>

10

<p>What are you majoring in? Are you actually interested in and excited by your major, or by any of the classes you’re taking right now?</p>

<p>What I miss from your posts is any indication that you’re interested in learning for its own sake, rather than accomplishing academic endeavors in order to get the sense of pride you get from accomplishment. You can’t go through life the way you did in high school, pushing yourself to meet goals and deadlines for no other reason than that they’ve been handed to you. At least, I suppose you can, but it’s no way to live. What you describe as a loss of motivation sounds to me like your subconscious mind waking up and starting to wonder “why am I doing all this anyway?”</p>

<p>I think you need to find the answer to that question. Is there anything that you would be excited about studying? Do you have a career goal that excites you – not just something you’ve decided you should aim for because it sounds like a good idea, but something you’d really like to do? If not, it’s okay to take some time off and explore the working world to figure out what that might be. </p>

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<p>I am still deciding a major, and I know that that is part of the reason I am having a hard time with motivation–no ultimate goal. And I do love indeed learning for learning’s sake. That’s partly why I do not have a major–I would be interested in learning about so many things that it is hard to decide. When I learn, I want to really learn something; I don’t just want to know it for some test. It’s weird because I have that part of me who needs to reach that level of academic success; but I also have that part of me that just wants to know. That’s partly why when I do my homework, I do it in depth because I really want to know something. When I get answers wrong, I need to know why. I could just pass these tests with a surface understanding of what’s going on and then forget it all, but I genuinely want to go deeper and actually get something out of all this that can stick with me. </p>

<p>As for career goals, I have ideas but no plan yet. I have considered everything from exercise science or kinesiology to music to social work to missions…within the past year or so I’ve realized that something I have always loved doing is helping people, so I started looking into non-profits. Another thing is that I am most likely taking whatever I decide to do to another country. Also, based off of the experiences I have had here already (such as the requirement of a 12-day backpacking trip over the summer and my getting involved in things that relate), I am beginning to consider Outdoor Education or Recreation, Sport, and Wellness.</p>

<p>The problem is that I have many interests but no passion yet.</p>

12

<p>You can get help for OCD, both through medications and cognitive behavioral therapy. Therapy can give you strategies for coping. You (and perhaps your whole family) may be suffering when there is really help available. It is hard to seek help when you are having a good day, or a good week, or whatever, but if you have a day when you have time and energy for it, try to find an OCD clinic near you. I personally think that that kind of specialized clinic can be the most helpful, and sometimes care is free is you enter a study.</p>

<p>Check out National Outdoor Leadership School online :)</p>

13

<p>I assume you wouldn’t skip going to the doctor because you are a very private person. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. I encourage you to call for an appointment with a counselor. Tell them you are a very private person and explain to them that this is extremely difficult for you, but you know it is important. Ask for someone experienced with folks like yourself. Best wishes to you.</p>

14

<p>Lots of good advice. I would add that plenty of kids go through what you are going through. The transition from high school, especially homeschool high school, to college is a big adjustment. The class work is different, but so is the lifestyle. </p>

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<p>Take all the good advice and go see counseling service at the student health center.</p>

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<p>Azore13, based on your post, I agree there seem to be components of both depression and OCD in what you are experiencing. Although you are a very private person, I would encourage you to look into counseling for both. These are not burdens you need to be shouldering on your own, which I think you already know, or else you wouldn’t have posted. </p>

<p>The counseling center at your school can very likely help you with your depression, if that is indeed your diagnosis. The OCD may be another matter (again, if that is your diagnosis), and you may need to find a specialist who can guide you toward specific medications and teach you cognitive behavioral strategies, as Compmom mentioned. If you decide to look for an OCD specialist in your area, the website for the International Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Foundation would be a good place to start. It might also be helpful for you to know that OCD can often advance or recede, depending on where you are in your life. My loved one with OCD has found that it worsens in the midst of major life changes. Leaving home for college could certainly be considered one of those, so you may be experiencing an uptick.</p>

<p>Good luck, Azore13. You sound like a bright and conscientious young lady, who wants to be the best she can be. Don’t let a reluctance to pursue counseling get in the way of that, or get in the way of experiencing a greater degree of happiness as you continue on life’s journey.</p>

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<p>OP: You have to go to the counseling office. What you are describing sounds very much like depression. These are professionals that are there to help you and won’t share your information with the whole world.
We know this is very hard, but thinking and wishing won’t make anything change.</p>

18

<p>Okay, I have an appointment at the Academic Support Center today with one of their counselors to start with, so that may help with the study aspect of things. I might go to the counseling center as well sometime within the next few weeks, but I’m not sure yet.</p>

<p>Thanks for all the suggestions.</p>

19

<p>

</p>

<p>This is not about privacy, it’s about brain chemistry malfunction. It’s medical like a broken arm. </p>

<p>Please try to understand how it works. </p>

<p>There are generally two aspects - psychiatry to assess and perhaps prescribe medication to correct (hopefully temporarily) the brain chemistry malfunctions, and psychology - counseling and education to develop strategies to handle the brain chemistry malfunctions so that perhaps you can remove the medication and still function the way you want to. </p>

20

<p>ClassicRockerDad put it perfectly. It is obvious that you can TELL that something is not right. That’s the first step. The next step is to get the help you deserve! You want to address the issues NOW, so that you can get back on track. There are a LOT of students in your shoes. When my son tells profs that he needs accommodations for his mental health issues, they always reply, “I get several students every semester in your situation. I understand!”</p>

<p>That’s the other thing to consider - if you need help, you can get accommodations, such as longer time to turn in assignments if you need it, and other support from the school’s office for students with disabilities. They are wonderful people!</p>