<p>Seriously, if what I did was “pressuring,” it was to help keep convenience in the short term from sabotaging options in the long term.</p>
<p>Haha, I didn’t mean for this thread to be personal. My parents don’t pressure me at all.</p>
<p>This was just a curiosity.</p>
<p>Take pressure to mean whatever you wish. I didn’t have any specific kind of pressure in mind.</p>
<p>In that case, I don’t pressure. I guide and encourage exclusively.</p>
<p>I don’t pressure, I just nag. ;)</p>
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<p>Great post, Marian. This is my experience too. D is really good about getting her homework done on time and will even stay on top of medium term assignments (like reading an assigned book or writing a paper over a 2-3 week span). But long term planning is a challenge.</p>
<p>I don’t pressure.
I am sherpa; my job is to help them to the summit.</p>
<p>Because I love him.</p>
<p>LOL, mafool. A friend told me he was ALWAYS yelling at his two stepsons to get their wet towels off the hardwood floors. Recently, one of them, now grown, was visiting their house and said, “Gee, the floor upstairs is really messed up - you should take care of it!” My friend didn’t take that very well.</p>
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<p>Okay - best response of the night. Can I steal it? :)</p>
<p>I (H and I) did pressure our kids. Never to do anything they did not like or could not do. But the expectation and pressure was there. </p>
<p>I did it because my parents didn’t! In retrospect, I really wish they did for certain things. I suspect my kids will not pressure their kids because we did!</p>
<p>So what is the right thing to do?</p>
<p>Pressure my kid? Are you crazy? It just rolls right off her. She was born knowing her own mind. Guiding her gently is about the best we’ve ever been able to do.</p>
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<p>I absolutely love this response as well. It nails it.</p>
<p>My parents had implicit expectations for the educational achievement of their kids as well as for our behavior. Too much of this was implicit. But, it did lead to a family of relatively high achievers two PhDs, one lawyer, one teacher.</p>
<p>I have tried to be more explicit about my expectations. School prior to high school was not about grades, but about learning skills and learning to learn. High school is a mix. In addition to learning, there is a game that you have to play called getting good grades. It is related to but not the same as learning and sometimes the two run in opposite directions. In HS, you have to both. My son is incredibly bright and has serious learning disabilities. I needed to enable him to learn and not let getting good grades get in the way of learning, while preparing him for a college at which kids would be as smart as he is. He and I set our sights for him at the very top schools, though I strongly discouraged my alma mater and a number of other schools. My daughter is also quite bright, but in a very different way (likes details more than big picture synthesis) and panics if the work/stress gets too high, so I need to set expectations that are consistent with the kind of kid she is. Is this pressure?</p>
<p>I do agree that kids, even HS kids, often will miss important for the immediate (“I want to hang out with my friends”). The part of the brain that supplies executive function develops late (not finishing until 18-20 or later) and parents need to be there to supply it. Sometimes that requires pressure (“You’re not going to the party until you finish your biology assignment.”).</p>
<p>Shawbridge - great comments! Most of our pressure revolves around following through on commitments…“you can’t go on the big end-of-year 4-H trip unless you show up and participate at ALL of the fundraisers”, “you can’t go to the football game unless ALL of your homework is done”, “You show up at hockey practice even when you aren’t cleared to play yet, you can watch and learn”, that kind of thing…</p>
<p>Shawbridge, I think I’m in the same boat-- am sending you a PM</p>
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<p>This is EXACTLY my 11th grade S’ issue for the last few months. Hanging out is of the utmost importance to him. He and his friends feel some sort of umbilical cord bond between them. And since they don’t ALL ride the same bus, have the same lunch block, have the same classes, or play the same sports, then S is like a lost little kitten if he doesn’t see them every few hours. He gives me the indignant teenage “pshhh” (complete with rolling eyes) when he is challenged about not completing his chores or a longer term assignment. We have taken to writing a list (a list can’t nag) with deadlines. It’s his responsibility to get it done by the deadline. Right now he will not fill out his NHS application - it’s due Wednesday. Even though most of it is already handwritten and only needs to be typed. I told him last night that it’s up to him. Not me.</p>
<p>I too, love Sherpa’s philosophy and wish I was as articulate & clever!</p>
<p>As a 1st time college freshman mom for an engineering student (son), I’m wondering how much guidance do others offer their kids, especially when scholarships are involved. For example, when we went on the “Accepted Students” visit last April, he was jazzed about joining the Am. Society for Mechanical Engineers club. However, now that he is there, he says he “can’t find out how to sign up” but is thinking about signing up for the Campus Music & Entertainment Industry Club. </p>
<p>My concern is that engineering is so challenging that he needs to be careful about spreading himself thin, especially in the beginning, and get a good foundation in the discipline. BTW, he does work study and took a job in the athletic dept., rather than in the engineering dept or in the library as I suggested, since he wanted some balance for engineering. Now, that he has his “balance”, I’m concerned that he needs to get at least a 3.0 average in order to keep his scholarhips and stay in the college that he likes so much.</p>
<p>Any feedback, especially from “experienced engingineering parents &/or students” would be appreciated!</p>
<p>Why do I pressure my kids?</p>
<p>Because life is too short to make all possible mistakes in one lifetime.</p>
<p>Kei</p>
<p>Think of science. Without pressure nothing happens. Even as a highly organized, etc adult I need some form of pressure to be motivated to do things- a time limit, for example. There is an internal locus and then there is the external one parents use on their kids to hopefully get them to develop internal loci of control, or at least to get the job (whatever it is) done. Anyone else read their kids the “Too Much Pressure” Berenstain Bears book when the kid was little?</p>
<p>I pressured my D to choose one preivate HS over another. I won. She (college junior) thanked me whole tons many many times, which I knew she would eventually. I pressured her to make her happy. I accomplished my goal, and I knew that I would because I knew better than my 13 years old where she would fit.</p>