<p>I've been here at college since August (I am a freshman) and I was SO happy here at first. I've wanted to go to this college since 8th grade. Everything about it just felt "right." Now, however, I have been having thoughts about transferring. I'm not homesick, I don't miss my parents, I like the school itelf, and though my grades are not what they were in HS they aren't stressing me out too much- What I am upset about is making friends. I am in marching band here, which has about 350 people in it. I met lots of people in it before school started (we had to go to yes, band camp, instead of the freshman orientation) and we all hung out, but when classes started up things changed and we didn't do as much together. I've tried making friends in my classes, but I feel like people don't want to be friends with me. I figured well okay, lots of the upperclassmen in band have said they mostly just have friends in band, so I could deal with that. However, I feel like I barely have friends in band now either! We were all pretty close a month or so ago, but now people are drifting off into little clique type groups. I feel like I am intruding on people when asking what they are doing on such and such night, and I don't know how to include myself. I don't want to force myself upon people, make them think I am desperate, or bother them if they don't want me with them. I've tried sending Instant Messages to people I have met because I figure that kind of breaks the ice, but I always have to IM them, they never IM me first. I don't know how to establish that I want to be friends with people.....or what to do if people brush me off. I do have some "good" friends, but not many at all, maybe like 3 or 4. I feel that now that classes have been in session for like 2 months, it is too late to make friends. I am getting to know the people on my floor a little better (who all bonded during orientation), but I don't know how to ask them to do things with me. I am normally shy and quiet, but I feel like I have been more outgoing in college, and honestly, I feel that the people in my classes are too shy! There is always awkwardness between people I talk to in class.... Like I will talk to them but they never invite me to do anything or stuff like that (but then again, I don't either..). Another problem too is that I was pretty sick for about a month, and that affected my ablity to be sociable. I don't know what to do. All I can think about is how everyone else has lots of friends and how I barely have any, and it's even affecting my concentration in my classes! Am I doomed to have barely any friends in college? I go to a school of like 40,000 people, but I feel like nobody is open to friendships.... Is this normal to feel the way I do? I feel like I have returned to my shy habits..which just makes things worse.... Should I consider transferring when it's the people I am having problems with, not the school? Is it too late to make friends? Also, I am a nondrinker, and it's sometimes hard to find people who don't drink... This isn't supposed to be a party school, but sometimes I feel like it is.</p>
<p>Interesting......</p>
<p>which school?</p>
<p>Purdue......It has everything I wanted in a school- It's big, has great science programs and is very well recognized, I can do research my freshman year, it has (had) great sports teams and I can do marching band, the food and campus is great, and the people always seemed super nice when I visited......but now...... I don't know....</p>
<p>I think your position is really very typical. Starting off with an illness and being on a very large campus do make things more difficult. Transferring is not likely to help. You also cannot return to the past. HS is over. If you do have 3 or 4, even just fairly close, friends you are ahead of many of your fellow freshmen. </p>
<p>I can offer a little advice which might help. Try to join some smallist clubs or groups where you interact with a small group and have better chances to meet potential friends. Relax and give it some time. Try not to come across as needy. Also remember people want friends they can trust. Never gossip or put others down.</p>
<p>Finally, growing up means learning to be more comfortable with ourselves. We all need friends, but we also need to learn to be alone at least part of the time. You might also want to try to keep in contact with old friends. You may also find they are having the same issues as you.</p>
<p>Band is a big social group at PU and so you should eventually make friends. I don't know what section you are in but many times the sections socialize together. If you don't drink that could be a socially uncomfortable thing for you but shouldn't be for the others really. As to whether PU is a party school? Friends I have there sure say otherwise. The town of West Lafayette is small and there isn't that much to do there. I am sorry to hear that you are unhappy but I think you are just a month behind. My prediction is that following the semester grades and the end of the first year housing assignments you will have another opportunity to become more socially connected. I think you might be very surprised. Hang in there......if it was your dream school it is way to early to leave.</p>
<p>Good advice from edad and hazmat. IMO, listen to them and give it time.</p>
<p>I had similar feelings when I was a freshman at a large school. Things worked out well for me. I'll bet that things will work out for you, too.</p>
<p>Things take a while but be sociable. It's never too late to make friends. You have to be a friend to make a friend. Don't worry about what people think or whether you're intruding b/c then you won't get anywhere. Just pretend that people really want to be your friend, you just have to give them the chance.</p>
<p>IMs are the most conveinient way outside of talking either at band or in-class. In class start up a convo like "hey you getting this?" or "I never really get the homework done that fast it would be easier if I had a homework buddy." People always are willing to give help if they're smart and get help if they aren't getting it. It just takes a little common sense and communication skills.</p>
<p>If they ever invited you to stuff and you never went (being sick, not your fault but still) they probably arent willing to invite you again. I have a lot of hours this semester and I'm starting to feel cut off from my friends, see all of my friends used to call me to hang-out and tell me about parties but I have so much work, I usually can't make it. So they've stopped calling me. It hurts but once you put yourself back in there (which may take a while I feel the same way as you right now. Do you really depend on having friends to make you happier? I do. No because I'm co-dependent, I just like people and friends around me.) you can regain any lost ground.</p>
<p>If you make friends with your friends' new friends that's also another way to be included. If your friends' friends like you they will want you to come along too and you won't feel like an extra. This is what I did with my best friend (from HS, who lived in a different dorm) and then I didn't feel uncomfortable when I visited his dorm and his friends liked having me there.</p>
<p>And hazmat is right about a new semester. I thought I had a lot of friends first semester I gained a whole new bunch second semester. You know how? Over Christmas I randomly IMed my friends and just talked about their vacations, even if I didn't know them that well. I got to know a few very well. By the time I got back I had a bunch of new friends waiting to hang-out with me. I also sent funny birthday messages (facebook) and people would write back saying they loved the message and I would just IM them to talk.</p>
<p>I don't think making friends is that hard as long as you try to find a common interest. Then it's easy. Common interests is often the key.</p>
<p>You say you don't know how to include them in doing things. Stop by a person with an open door that you've talked to before, however briefly. Say, "Hey, what's up, what're you doing?" Make small talk. Then say something like, "I'm going to lunch...want to come?" Even if they say no they'll appreciate the invite. People like to be invited to things.
I think you are becoming discouraged too easily. Making friends sometimes takes effort. Sometimes a lot. Sometimes you have to be the one to go to people, smile at them, IM them, whatever. In time they will come to you. In band just be like, "Hey, what's up, X?" to a person by themselves, or compliment their musical abilities.</p>
<p>
[quote]
Finally, growing up means learning to be more comfortable with ourselves. We all need friends, but we also need to learn to be alone at least part of the time.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Very well said. It is about becoming. Becoming who you really are. For the self to become whole.</p>
<p>Welcome to my life. Junior year. No new friends. Still content. Too busy of a semester to even reflect on my own shortcomings in social situations. While there is always the strength of choice infused in us all, I believe an acceptance that fate somtimes prepares the path for us is essential. It's not a matter of 'if' it will happen but rather 'when' it will happen and 'when' you are ready to show others who you are. Not who you want to be or what others want you to be. But to be. To be you. Who are you? Do you even know you? Do they know you?</p>
<p>Most of all, attend to your passions in life, not your shortcomings. What drives you? What makes your motor overheat? For me, it's searching for meaning in my life. What about you? Present that to people.</p>
<p>Become. Not dwell.</p>
<p>WOW WOW WOW.........very fine.</p>
<p>The other posters have offered good advice, but it can be helpful to get more personal help. Purdue has the counseling center, CAPS. Your concerns are not unusual for a frosh, so you should make an appointment and speak with someone there. They are experienced in advising students with similar issues.</p>
<p>Hang in there, space cadet! At the start of school people tend to be extra friendly, because no one knows anyone, and classes haven't really got going yet. Once classes get busy, people tend to hole up more and socialize less. You make a lot of acquaintances at the start of school, but making true friends takes longer. And the real friends may NOT be the early acquaintances. They could be people you meet in classes, the kid down the hall in your dorm, the quiet kid in band that you haven't talked to yet.</p>
<p>When you are lonely, it is easy to withdraw into yourself and expect others to reach out. I know. I was a very lonely freshman myself many years ago. After awhile, I started realizing that I was NOT the only lonely one, and I learned to sometimes be the first one to say "Hello," and to go up to someone sitting alone and start talking. I also found that the ones who ended up being my friends were not always the ones I expected to be so--like the "crazy" girl who ended up being my roommate after my original roommate asked me to move out. </p>
<p>You will find friends, but it takes time. If Purdue is everything you ever wanted in a college, don't transfer for this reason. You would likely only be disappointed at the next college. Enjoy your classes, keep in touch with friends back home, and try to be a friend to others. The freshman year is the hardest year of college. It WILL get better!</p>
<p>And sometimes it will take much much much longer. Like it has for me so far. So be patient. You never know when it will happen so enjoy the experience in the meantime anyway.</p>
<p>well purdue isnt known to have the most social of student bodies (some of those engineering and science kids are downright anti-social).. if your having trouble making friends I am going to assume your out of state. While purdue has a lot of oos state kids a lot of them fall into the anti-social engineer category. You have to understand that a lot of the ppl already had friends from high school or surrounding areas going to purdue so they arent all that desperate for new ppl.</p>
<p>Nice thought but the PU band is the hub of social activity. The OP must be pretty good because not all FROSH even make it into the marching band for sure. Band is a huge black hole for time and I am also guessing that kids are cranking some hours because midterms are just over and they still have several football games to play and then some other obligations. My friend who plays sax and is doing big time life science is very busy and doesn't play around much right now.......told me things pick up again later.</p>
<p>Thanks so much for all of the replies! They've been really helpful and encouraging. And yeah, you're right terry, I am from out of state. I wanted to go out of state to meet new people outside of my HS area, but now the reverse has happened- I am one of the odd ones out and everyone else hangs around their HS buddies constantly. Hazmat, you know someone in the band? That's cool. Yeah, it is basically a black hole when it comes to time, so I always miss opprotunities to do things w/ non band people. It's hard to find a good solid group of friends in band though, right now- at first it was alright, but our section has some "drama" going on in it so it's not as close as it once was. As for Purdue being a party school, yeah I guess it's really not, but after seeing lots of kids get ready for parties all the time it makes me wonder.....but I guess every school has parties. I just hope things all work out like all of you say it will :) Thanks again</p>
<p>Does anyone have any other tips?</p>
<p>if you see someone in your halls door open just randomly ask them if they want to get something to eat with you or ask them if they know of any good places to eat. Basically just introduce yourself to ppl in your hall and maybe they will want 2 hang out, then you can meet their friends and so on and so forth</p>
<p>I am 9th week in this college now and I could not have enjoyed this highly impersonal atmosphere more. You know what I mean? sleep from 4-11 pm. Wake up at 11 and study upto 8 in the morning. classes 8-12. Neither guilty nor lonely coz I got no friend clique. Working 12-4 each day to support myself. Enjoying adult life on its full swing. Calling family every week to say that I don't need their money. Enjoy this life dude. Its not High school.</p>