<p>I know I’m not a helicopter parent, so I don’t feel I’m in danger when ignoring those posts that try to insist that I am.</p>
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<p>Agree that letting go is a process. The first phase of the process is usually not very smooth. I bet many parents here were “accused” at least a few times by their offsprings.</p>
<p>At one time, I met a relative (who was in their 70s) complained bitterly to me about his parent who had passed away for 5 years! How can you not be occasionally accused by your child when he is in the teens or early 20s and has a need of finding his identity and seeking independence from you?</p>
<p>Talking about “Girlfriend/boyfriend troubles” of your young adult child on CC? Be prepared to be accused of micromanaging his/her life on this kind of topic! (esp., by somebody who is young adult child him/herself) Been there, done that!</p>
<p>I think it is often the case that the parents themselves need to have an outlet to vent (when they can not afford the time and money to see a counselor/psychologist/therapist) rather than actually want to meddle their young adult child’s life. They won’t be given by their child a chance to do so anyway. (When their child told them something, he or she often just needs an outlet also.)</p>
<p>" I know I’m not a helicopter parent, so I don’t feel I’m in danger when ignoring those posts that try to insist that I am."</p>
<p>For what it’s worth, I don’t think you are a helicopter parent. But you do seem defensive and very sure of your opinions. I can see how you might ‘force’ someone to make choices without intending it.</p>
<p>Not sure if I would be considered a helicopter mom or a tiger mom…ah hell, yes I am. I’ve had to be! </p>
<p>I do believe that there are certain degrees of my helicopter/tiger mom tendencies. For anyone who knows our story on CC, you know that I’ve had to be mom & dad. Sweet nurturer and the heavy. I’ve been the cook, the nurse, the chauffeur, the GC, the prison warden, the administrative assistant, the cheerleader, the bottle washer…EVERYTHING! I have had to know when to hit the accelerator and when to hit the brakes. :))
It hasn’t been easy either.
DD has done all of the hard work, and I have assisted her along the way. Most look at me like I have two heads but that’s okay. We all parent how we feel is best for our children. </p>
<p>At this point, with your repeated run throughs of things you do not involve yourself in (who talks to a kid’s professors?) I honestly think you might benefit from some counseling, or you could get into meditation, yoga etc. I think that you may be experiencing an inability to let things go. Your original recent post did not, to me, seem to draw any harsh criticism that would merit this kind of long, detailed discussion.</p>
<p>Your son should be able to express some negative emotions without dire consequences. That is the main freedom it would seem you might grant him, for now.</p>
<p>I don’t want to seem unkind and honestly we can all relate, and as I said before, many of us have sought help at one time or another. This is a time of transition for you as well as your son :)</p>
<p>Yep, that’s why I am not asking for any help here! I am just venting and trying to keep my mouth shut at home. </p>
<p>But seriously, I remember being a young adult and having all kinds of things going on in my life that my folks knew nothing about. Do parents know more about what is going on now? Or do we just think we do? I feel like parents in the old days gave their kids more space. </p>
<p>I know there are many things going on in my son’s life that I don’t know about, and I prefer it that way! </p>
<p>I wouldn’t get too defensive. So what I’m a helicopter parent, I’ve been lurking/posting on CC for 10 years since 2003.</p>
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I am also mostly venting here and trying extremely hard to keep my mouth shut at home, especially to my child.</p>
<p>For that somewhat “embarrassing incident” that occurred to me here on CC about my venting about my child’s girlfriend problem a while ago, I want to thank the CCers to have given me an opportunity to vent at that time, and am glad to report that his problem seems to be completely resolved by them without any of our intervention or “advices.” Both he and I just had a dire need to vent at that moment.</p>
<p>I think the boyfriend/girlfriend issues are tough one for parents. We know that a lot of that is none of our business. Yet it is also difficult for us to see our kids sad and upset over them. Sometimes it’s walking a fine line to let them know we care, we are here, and not intruding. Sometimes I have checked in with a “how are you feeling?”. It’s not to know details but I would like to know how my kids are doing if they choose to tell me.
I think there is a lot of parental wisdom here on CC, and if a parent is venting and gets useful advice, then maybe that’s a good thing. </p>
<p>^ Which the following problem is tougher, general speaking? The offspring’s BF/GF problem or DIL/SIL problem? We have not got to that stage yet, but we are curious to know what problem may lie ahead.</p>
<p>Occasionally on CC, I heard about the complaints from the other side fence: complaining about MIL/FIL. I would like to know how likely parents may have complaints about their DIL/SIL and how to deal with it properly.</p>
<p>A friend of our family told us that parents should NEVER ask their S to choose the side; if they do, he will choose her.</p>
<p>I’m not in that stage yet, but I think in general, asking the young person to make a choice applies to any significant other. It’s likely to backfire-and the young person will likely choose the SO.</p>
<p>In general, I have learned not to say much about the SO. The times I have done so have not gone well for me. The person is already involved and not objective- and neither am I. I focus on my child, not the SO. If my kid mentions something the SO did, I try to ask " how did you feel about that", not make a comment about the SO. In the end, I want my children to know what’s important to them in a relationship.</p>
<p>The time to have these talks is before they marry. I’ve discussed topics like “deal breakers” ( abuse, addiction…) and " talking points" ( things couples tend to disagree on) and I hope they consider these issues before they choose. Once they’ve made their choice, I don’t think it’s my place to say anything if I want to be welcome in their family life.</p>
<p>I think the old adage regarding the SO is true: if you are unhappy with your son or daughter’s choice, the more you interfere, the closer the two will stick together. I don’t get involved. I well remember my mother once trying to insert herself into my personal life when I was in my late teens and I was m.o.r.t.i.f.i.e.d. I told her in no uncertain terms I did not want her messing around with my own personal affairs and for the most part, she got the message. There was one boyfriend I had that my mother absolutely hated, and of course, that’ who I moved to California with. Of course, my mother was right about him being bad news but I had to find out for myself.</p>
<p>Son’s gone through a few break-ups, yes, I saw them coming but kept quiet. I have six brothers and sisters, we’ve all been through a lot, so have their kids, I can draw on their advice and insight as well as my own when it comes to some of this stuff. This is my first and only time I’ll have a kid in college, so for advice on that front, I sometimes turn to CC. </p>
<p>Our best friends ARE helicopter parents. For the past 27 years or so, the differences in our parenting styles have affected (but not ended) our relationships with one another. We know they consider us just shy of criminally negligent with our hands-off parenting (and perhaps sometimes not shy at all); and they know sometimes we can’t even stand to talk to them about their kids (whom we have known since before they were born) because of our disagreement with the parents’ over-involvement. </p>
<p>Guess what? All of the kids, theirs and ours,. are fine. We worried that their kids would never be able to make independent decisions. Well . . . they can’t just yet, but they are getting there. (Both are in their mid-20s and supporting themselves. It’s a rare day when each of them doesn’t call both parents for some kind of advice.) Both “helicoptered” kids are doing exactly what they wanted to be doing at this point (early) in their careers, and in both cases it’s something that seemed wildly difficult and improbable when they entered college. So, honestly, however much I disapprove of my friends’ parenting style, I don’t think their kids have been prejudiced by it.</p>
<p>fwiw they broke up. I was right that something was up, so my intuition was correct. But he has said nothing about it and neither have I. He doesn’t seem too upset. I liked this girl fine btw. I didn’t think she was “the one” but she was a perfectly acceptable girlfriend. Terrible to confess, but now that he is single, he is spending more time with us, the family, in this brief period he has at home before he starts his summer job out of town, so this works to my benefit. </p>
<p>I work as an instructional aide in the school district in our town. I see very bad parenting to the point that children are taken out of the home environment. I also see helicopter parenting. Once, a physical therapist had her teenage son tag along with her to our school and any time anyone asked him any questions, she answered for him. It was sort of painful to see.</p>
<p>A lot of teachers hover over their own kids in this district. They jockey to get them better recognition, more advantages and better benefits than they would without the parents’ intervention. I’ve also witnessed a number of those kids who flourished in high school flounder when they enter the college world and no longer have favoritism working on their behalf…just my own personal observation, but I’ve seen it time and again. </p>