<p>Why is it that some posters are so quick to assume that any issue a college student has must be the result of too much parental involvement? I’ve received great advice and suggestions from this forum as my son goes through his college years. I’ve posted questions, sifted through answers & learned a lot. Yet it never seems to fail that anytime I ask for insight, always a few replies imply I 'm some kind of helicopter parent, hovering over Son’s every little move which is simply not the case.</p>
<p>First, I didn’t lead a sheltered life. In the 1970’s at age 19, I moved with a boyfriend thousands of miles from home to California at a time when “good girls” didn’t live with a man without the benefit of marriage (I was ahead of that curve). We had no jobs, no place to live & barely any money. That went bust a year later; I moved home for a couple years then lived on my own for over 8 years until I married in my early 30s. I know what it's like to travel the path towards independence from your parents. I know firsthand how a person can make lousy decisions over and over and still figure life out and get on the right track.</p>
<p>These days, we live in a town of 5,000. A small university and community college are fifteen minutes away, but Son chose a university in a large city of 350,000 an hour away. After sophomore year, he moved off campus with a couple of roommates, still going to school, living there through the summer. He works a paid internship in the heart of the city’s downtown walking 20 minutes one way because he doesn’t have a car. Son pays for half his rent, all his food and school books. Every year, he applies for and receives some great scholarship money. He cooks and does his own laundry. Because he’s self-motivated I almost forget to ask about grades because he makes the dean’s list every semester. We talk a couple times a week, but not every day.</p>
<p>My husband and I enjoy the empty nest. We make life easy for each other. We’ve traveled more since Son’s been in college, visiting Vegas, Grand Canyon, NYC, Nashville, ect. We’re available for our son, but have our own lives, too and aren’t living through him. Overall, both my husband and I have a great relationship with our son, but are by no means overly involved. I think some posters jump to conclusions too fast without knowing the whole story.</p>
<p>Yes, I agree, there does seem to be a bit of that on CC. Perhaps a shift toward <em>questioning</em> if over-protectiveness is playing a role in a issue might help — rather than just assuming it is. Usually, it seems, the OP does clarify with key details that get much better context. So, patience is good, eh?</p>
<p>You are happy, your son is doing well, and you both agree on your level of involvement. It sounds like you are parenting in a way that works for your family, and that is what matters most.
Personally, I worry more about the teens and college students I know with parents who are too uninvolved and unaware of what is actually happening in their lives.</p>
<p>compmom, we do count our blessings. Son has a quieter personality and before college, during his earlier school years, we had to make him try new things from time to time so he could experience more. For instance, in 8th grade when he was starting high school band, the band members were going to an amusement park for the day and Son wanted to stay home. I insisted he go; he was mad and not speaking to me when I dropped him off with the rest of the kids. He ended up having the time of his life and we all laugh about it now. In our small town, I know a number of parents who would have allowed their kids to stay home. They baby their kids and imo, those kids have a much smaller life. We don’t want that for our Son! He has so many opportunities that my husband and I never had; we want him to take advantage of them!</p>
<p>Yet a young adult with quiet confidence can still have moments of self-doubt. It doesn’t mean the parents are too involved with that YA’s life. I don’t jump in and “take care of things”. We offer advice, but it doesn’t mean Son is going to take it! And there are always situations that are new to all three of us, and those are the times I come on to this forum and look for answers.</p>
<p>You sound a little defensive, to be honest. You posted a thread in which your own son lashed out and accused you of choosing things for you; someone responded suggesting that there might be some truth to that, based on the things you have posted. This long rant is not doing anything to clear up that impression.</p>
<p>keepittoyourself, your post is exactly what I’m talking about. If you read the follow-up to the post of mine you mentioned, you’ll see that it was a misunderstanding between my son and I and he didn’t mean what he said. And it’s not just that one post of mine that received the feedback that I must be a helicopter parent, it’s a common reply to many of my posts. Son’s accomplishments are his own and not due to his parents taking control and doing it all for him. </p>
<p>You’ll love reading up on “emerging adults.” Even when we consciously encourage their growth, some large chunk of them today still need us, through their 20’s. One interesting commentary said the only mistake is thinking that we’re “supposed to” push them out of the nest, at graduation or some age. </p>
<p>As for some parents accused of helicoptering: on an anon forum, sometimes it’s in the way a tale is told, not the actions themselves or the good intentions. </p>
<p>I don’t know why people assume that, but they do. I have not had enough involvement actually. My daughter did not even pick my top choice, nor is she majoring in what I would have picked. She doesn’t even KNOW my top choice! The only place I get involved really is in telling her about the financial stuff and helping with the financial aid stuff.</p>
<p>I did not proofread her applications. If I had, she probably would not have been rejected at a couple places. She made some serious errors on her common app and did not get in to any of the 3 more selective schools she applied to. Then, she got in to all the schools that did not use the common app, mostly with scholarships.</p>
<p>The idea of the helicopter parent is real, and yet so common that I would bet many of us have been falsely accused of doing it, and sometimes we have done it. Sometimes our kids will tell us. We have habits. We do things for them because we have been doing them for so long, we don’t think about it. Sometimes our kids go too far- in terms of not communicating to the point of hurting our feelings but it’s trial and error as they assert their independence too.</p>
<p>We’ve parented our kids for 18 years, and it’s always going to be instinctual to do so. Their growing up is a process, and backing off is a process for us. The real players in this scheme are us and our kids. Others are spectators, but they can give us insight. If I’m accused of helicoptering, I at least stop and think about it and if it’s unfounded, I let it go, but sometimes it might lead me to think of doing things differently. </p>
<p>"keepittoyourself, your post is exactly what I’m talking about. If you read the follow-up to the post of mine you mentioned, you’ll see that it was a misunderstanding between my son and I and he didn’t mean what he said. "</p>
<p>That’s what I mean by defensive. I don’t know how things turned out between your son and you, but it’s not like people are pulling this out of nowhere.</p>
<p>Grammar tip: it’s “my son and ME”, by the way.</p>
<p>The issue of the “helicoptor parent” is way overblown. My observation is that most parents are not nearly involved enough as their children approach college. The students know next to nothing, and are full of imaginative images (good and bad) about colleges. Most parents don’t know much either, but they need to learn a lot and guide the student. If left to the student, success will become a crap shoot.</p>
<p>I suggest the following ways in which most parents should be more involved with their children’s choice of college:
1 ) Encourage them to look at colleges throughout the entire U.S.
2 ) Tell them they need to research at least a dozen colleges on the internet.
3 ) Make them visit at least five colleges (yes, “make” them), including a state university.
4 ) Talk honestly about how much money the parents are willing to contribute.
5 ) Don’t scare the student about money, but be candid.
6 ) Reserve the right to veto any choice.
7 ) Feel free to tell the student that you want them to apply to a specific college. Not necessarily attend, but apply. However, you only get to choose one.</p>
<p>^ None of the above is really being a helicopter parent, really. Your approach of setting clear boundaries and being honest with the child is probably the opposite of helicoptering. Helicoptering is more like intervening in petty decisions, and contacting professors on behalf of your child, etc, once the student is already in college.</p>
I try to keep in mind that there are hundreds of posters here from all over the country and even other countries. They have a lot of differing opinions and points of view. The OP may have just sketched out a brief framework. Other posters have to fill in the blanks to some extent and sometimes posters will see what they WANT to see in a situation, not what is actually there. As such, any advice has to be re-translated back into the original situation by the OP. Anything that doesn’t actually fit ( e.g. “are you a helicopter parent?”) should be evaluated and dismissed as needed.</p>
<p>But on the other hand, when you have a student complaining that the parent chose things for them and they hate it, and that parent has a history of posting lots of small questions about student life that the student should really be figuring out for themselves…</p>
<p>OP, if my child had lashed out at me with those words, I would have stepped back and asked myself if I had been too controlling. Maybe yes and maybe no, it could be he was reacting to something else and just taking it out on me, but I would ask the question. When everyone has calmed down, I would bring it up. I do apologize to my kids when everyone has calmed down after a blow out. In your situation I might say “I am really sorry you feel like your dad and I have been too controlling. We didn’t mean to be. We always want what is best for you, and sometimes we may overstep our boundaries.” Then see what he says back. </p>
<p>Times have really changed from when we were young. Parents are much more involved and do micromanage their kids’ lives. (Okay, I will amend that to “certain parents in certain populations”.) My parents sometimes had opinions on what classes I took and what ECs I engaged in, but they always let me make the ultimate choice. Of course, we didn’t have those expensive and time consuming traveling teams back in the old days. You mention going off to live with your boyfriend at a young age. That sort of thing was common where I grew up, not to mention getting married right out of high school or joining the military or just getting a job and moving out. Parents were not at all involved in college choice beyond cost. Heck, we had a smoking hole on campus. If you were old enough to smoke, you could smoke, no note from parents required.</p>
<p>Letting go is a process. I am still figuring it out, too. I strongly suspect son1 has girlfriend troubles. He doesn’t want to tell me about it. I feel like I could help him, but he doesn’t want my help. I have to remind myself about all the romantic troubles I had back when I was his age and how little of it my folks knew about. I figured it all out on my own. (Which is not to say it was easy or that I didn’t get my heart broken.)</p>
<p>I think part of sylvan’s point is not to blow these things up. Neither as the interpreter, nor as the parent in question. My kids complain about things that are meaningless, in both the moment and the long run. If I wrote that they called me a Tiger mom, don’t assume that I am and that I ruined some part of their lives. I corrected them to “Mama Bear,” they got it- and we moved on. </p>
<p>But Miller, there is sometimes what I call a piranha effect on an anon forum. Too certain, too uncertain, too under-informed, too much detail, too inflammatory, etc- and some posters think they can swarm. The only way to (try to) avoid it is to watch what one posts, how it might come across to readers. Three Bears: not too much, not too little, just right.</p>
<p>I think that you may have a desire to keep things running smoothly, emotionally, and that may mean sweeping some things under the rug. That is a form of control, even if you don’t realize it. I think that the emotions your son expressed may have some validity in his emotional reality, regardless of who made what decisions about college, major etc. </p>
<p>To some extent, that chafing under a parent’s influence is perfectly normal, but if you ignore it in favor of a polite, repressed peace, it may not be helpful in the long run. I suggest that your son talk to someone whom he feels is safe and secure, a counselor perhaps, so that he can vent his ambivalence and even his anger concerning school and other matters. Or, he could talk to you, but you need to make sure he believes you can handle it- and, in fact, you do need to be able to handle it.</p>
<p>You clearly care about your son and want him to do well, even more so in the context of your more difficult time at the same age.</p>
<p>Another thing you might want to consider is that you are showing a kind of microfocus in your posts, which would seem to betray some level of anxiety of your own, separate from your son. There are posters and readers on this forum who have some really big, even life-threatening, problems going on. Those problems, for the most part, have nothing to do with parenting. I do not ever jump to judgment about a parent based on a kid’s problems. But I again want to say that you are fortunate and are not dealing with big stuff, as yet, so maybe get some help relaxing about your son. Worrying is not the same thing as helicoptering- you may be appropriately involved but it seems like you are suffering some.</p>
<p>Not uncommon, and we have all been there, and many of us have also sought counseling at times :)</p>
<p>Yes, that’s a good descriptive term “piranha effect”, and I do see that. That’s why I sift through replies to get the best of the advice. As this is a Parents Forum, we should be supportive and not attack.</p>
<p>If I come on here asking about some little things, it’s because Son is doing a pretty darn good job taking care of all the big things. I’ve never once spoken to any of his professors. Son took it upon himself to ask some of them their advice on how to successfully apply for scholarships and has been awarded scholarships each year. One of his professors recommended Son for an internship. Son followed through on the recommendation and it was his choice to do that internship and it’s worked out well. When Son decided to move off campus, he called with details of how he and his roommates were making that happen and where they planned to move. I never had to make one phone call to find out any information on what kind of housing was available off campus. Son took care of it all and just filled me in. Oh, and what about doctor appointments? Son’s been going to his own since he was 18. I know a woman who sits in on her 22 year old daughter’s dermatologist appointments because she doesn’t think the daughter (straight A student) can communicate well enough to do it on her own. </p>
<p>I come here for advice, not for advice on how to interfere. Rather than go to my Son with how I think he should handle things, I air my concerns here. There is a difference. </p>
<p>“Yes, that’s a good descriptive term “piranha effect”, and I do see that. That’s why I sift through replies to get the best of the advice. As this is a Parents Forum, we should be supportive and not attack.”</p>
<p>There’s a danger of this becoming “I ignore the posts that don’t tell me what I want to hear”.</p>