<p>My son applied to the same sorts of schools your son is interested in. He was very open to visiting lots of schools and having me make all those arrangements, so that was a problem we didn't have. After he chose which schools he wanted to apply to, I said I'd help in any way he wanted. He really liked having me as "administrative assistant", but when I started nagging in November to get all of his apps done before the Dec-Jan break, I caused needless tension between us and didn't speed him up one bit.</p>
<p>I came to cc for guidance and most posters suggested I back off, but remain available when son wanted help. I did that and told him I was doing so, that I realized I was being pushy and that it wasn't helping. He thanked me and proceded to get all 10 apps in on time, some of them rather last-minute, but all of them well done. He did want me to be involved and helpful, but not to nag or push. I don't know if your son would react the same way mine did, but it does sound as if what you're doing isn't working so well and that you realize this. </p>
<p>So I'd suggest taking a look at how much you're willing to let your son be the driver in this process. I think if you let him drive, it's likelier that he'll want you along as a navigator. This is a stressful process and I came to cc often to vent or ask for advice, to avoid burdening my son with my anxieties.</p>
<p>I did read several books about the admissions process, so I would be knowledgeable when/if he asked for help. My favorites were Winning the Heart of the College Admissions Dean and Colleges That Change Lives. That helped ease my anxiety, as I knew he had a balanced list. But I was still anxious much of his senior year. I'm a psychologist too and knew I was being ridiculous, but I just spent a lot of time with cc and friends who were going through the same process, so I could vent with them instead of my son.</p>
<p>Your son sounds like a wonderful, bright creative person who will be wanted by many colleges. I agree, as others have suggested, that he is probably anxious about college admissions himself. We didn't hire a college counselor, but for some families, it is probably helpful to avoid the control issues you are experiencing. Again, I think it would be helpful only if your son wanted that kind of help. Your son's private school probably has good college counselors who could advise him on his list and suggest good "safeties, reaches and matches" without the emotional baggage a parent's suggestions might carry. Feel free to pm me because we visited 20 colleges that are of the type your son is drawn to.</p>
<p>PS</p>
<p>I specifically asked admissions people at some of the colleges your son is interested in whether they preferred some SAT IIs over others. They all said my son should take the tests he thought he'd do best in, but they should be in 2 different subject areas. If he wants a higher SAT II score, he should do another in a favorite subject. Most of these schools don't even require SAT IIs.</p>
<p>On second thought about hiring a college counselor, some kids feel this suggestion reflects parental lack of confidence in student. Since his HS GC will be writing his rec, the more time they spend together the better GC will know him. If it's sort of an off-beat, lefty private HS, the GCs should be well-informed about these schools and your son's chances for admission to them.</p>
<p>momoschki: honestly going through the application process was a nightmare in my house. My otherwise well put together D was like Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde! I think the stress and "adult themed" concept of these applications is more than most kids can deal with. I've said for a long time now there really ought to be classes in HS for these applications/essays/interviews.</p>
<p>D just finished her freshman year at an LAC, but decided mid-term to try to transfer out. This time I (with a capital "I") stayed out of it competely (it helped that she was 3000 miles away). I was amazed to see how a year of maturity creted a completely different approach on her part. I'm happy to report she was accepted by her potential schools and is moving on, with wonderful merit aid (something we were told is not often available to transfer students), and her debt at graduation will hardly change.</p>
<p>That's great, "just"amom!</p>
<p>I wouldn't call our experience a nightmare, but my son turned 18 last Nov., so he was older going into the process than most. What I will say is that I think the process of visiting, interviewing, choosing where to apply, writing the apps and then choosing a school was a very maturing experience for him that taught him a lot about who he is and what he likes and doesn't like than he knew going in. I wonder, "just"amom, whether, in hindsight, your daughter may have benefitted from a gap year.</p>
<p>bethievt possibly a gap year would have been beneficial. So many kids feel pressure (internally) to be like their friends (applying, accepting, and going to college straight out of high school). I actually think that once transfering became important "to her" that her involvement in the process was more the way "I" had expected it to be originally. Regardless, (so far) it seems to work out, and I like having 3000 miles between us when she gets stressed!</p>
<p>Bethievt- thanks for the advice and support. I am grateful for the summer break now from teen angst and its accompanying upheavals. I think all of us are grateful for some time and distance, but I have to say I feel the dreaded college applications looming above not so far away.</p>
<p>I think that in our son's case, the college counselor option would result in further fights and rebellion as he would undoubtedly deem it ridiculous (which is how he characterizes most of what I say and do these days, alas.) Also, he is lucky in that his school has 2 very competent college counselors for a class of 80-ish kids, so they really know everyone. I was somewhat heartened the other day when his end of year report came, along with a cover letter from the college counselors (apparently this is standard at the end of junior year.) While this is not the exact letter that will be sent to schools next year, it was very glowing and really captured the unique person he is.</p>
<p>I am working hard to try to accept that it is practically a given that S will complete these applications at the last minute-- after all, it is how he does nearly everything else. I remind myself that what he turns in is nearly always good. Somehow I have turned into the one who carries the anxiety for college application for the entire family and I hope that if I succeed in calming down a bit, S might mobilize himself a bit more.</p>
<p>I read all the advice books -- and enjoyed and benefitted from most of them -- but the one that has stuck with me is "Accept My Kid, Please" by Hank Herman, subtitled "A Dad's Descent into College Application Hell." With a happy ending, though. :)</p>
<p>I actually read this book after my son was safely enrolled in college (I know, I know, case in point) but still it resonated with good advice. Just re-reading the very funny introduction:</p>
<p>"The truth of the matter is the college application game left us with two choices. We could either shepherd our son through it -- doing a lot more ourselves than we rightfully should have, and than we'd ever care to admit in public. Or we could sit back and watch him try to do it himself -- and possibly have him wind up right here with in Bestport next year!"</p>
<p>op</p>
<p>I wrote my pms before reading your last post. It would be nice if your son wanted to do a bit more visiting, but it isn't necessary as long as he has a balanced list. However, he sounds A LOT like my son and these artsy kids are usually very sensitive to their surroundings. That makes visits helpful. But is it worth a lot of family tension to push for it? I'd educate yourself about the process as much as you wish and then let most of it happen between your son and those excellent college counselors.</p>
<p>I did the <em>heavy lifting</em> in our family as well when it came to anxiety. Fortunately the app deadlines are not all the same, so that spaces things out somewhat.</p>