parent's role in college app process

<p>My son graduated HS last school year. He is taking a gap year, and doing constructive things. He was a strong student in high school, but did have times when he was unmotivated. He says he wants to apply to selective colleges, yet he did very little research last year, and so far none this year. He is focused on one extremely selective and small school, but if he doesn't get in there, he still says he wants to go away to college.</p>

<p>I feel like the research part is the easiest and most enjoyable part of this process. If he isn't even doing this, how will he manage to get it all together by the time applications are due? He has to work on his math performance for the SAT, write the essays, etc. I suspect he doesn't <em>get</em> how competitive it can be, but I also wonder if he really wants to go away and/or go to college. </p>

<p>I am torn between advising him on the schedule of tasks he has to work through (afraid I am imposing my hopes onto him) versus handing it over to him completely, and if he doesn't do things (like write essays with enough time to do a good job) assume that he doesn't really want to do this right now.</p>

<p>Thoughts?? Did you push, and if so, do you now feel like it was a mistake or the right approach?</p>

<p>I used to think my son would be a firefighter because he loved spraying our garden hose. I start this post by reminding you that what he does now doesn’t necessarily tell you what he’s going to be achieving by Dec 31st or whenever the apps are due.</p>

<p>However, it is an involved process and it may help your son if you lay out all the steps involved and an appropriate timetable. He might discount the research part (many do), but he needs to get started, just to check them off the list. It may also really help if you make a list of all the parts and he tells you what he’s going to accomplish by one week from today. Then hold him to it. He may realize how time-consuming this process is.</p>

<p>I think it depends on the kid. You’ll get as many responses to this as there are people on cc. </p>

<p>No doubt, I led the way initially, but ds has always been a kid who is overwhelmed by too many options. Knowing there are 3,000+ out there was a bit daunting. So we talked about what he wanted (strong academics and strong community) and what he didn’t (no/small Greek community and nothing East Coast), and, beyond the obvious choices such as our state flagship, I did a lot of the research on outside-the-box schools. He was fully vested by the time apps were needed. YMMV</p>

<p>One way I engaged my S2 early in the process was campus visits. These helped him focus on what really mattered to him. I kept a big spreadsheet with the colleges he wanted to keep on the list. The spreadsheet got started as a class assignment when he was a Junior, and it just grew as we added new criteria and schools.</p>

<p>Because he is not an organized kid, I did lay out a time-line for him, and I had to nag as dead-lines came up, especially various EA deadlines, since they were all different. But he did all the real work.</p>

<p>Oh, and I kept the master file of usernames and passwords so he wouldn’t lose them, and I would not have to stress out!</p>

<p>Have you visited any colleges with him? If he has this year off, maybe you could schedule a trip or two where he could look at schools, which might motivate him to do some research to help plan the trips. You said he really likes this one small school, but it’s good not to have all your eggs in one basket, especially if there are financial considerations.</p>

<p>If he’s certain he wants to attend a school away next year, you’ll want to have a safe bet- one that he can afford and get into, as well as a few more selective ones that he’d want to attend. That’s where the visiting comes in. If he only applies where he’s visited and he knows he wouldn’t mind attending, the process will seem more real and be easier to handle.</p>

<p>Then you can help by making folders for each school he’s interested in and put lists of deadlines and any pertinent information in each one. After that, let him handle the rest on his own (most apps are online these days) and just tell him you’ll be there if he needs any help or advice. Once he knows it’s up to him, he’s more likely to get things done, even though a lot will still probably happen at the last minute. ( I think most kids are filing their apps the last week before their due. )</p>

<p>I see I cross posted with mom2sons. Visits really are motivating!</p>

<p>Less helpful than many subsequent posts are likely to be, but this struck a chord with me:</p>

<p>“I feel like the research part is the easiest and most enjoyable part of this process.”</p>

<p>That would be true for ME. And, I would infer that it is true for the OP. But this may not be the easiest and most enjoyable part for everyone or for our kids.</p>

<p>That part was pretty overwhelming and paralyzing for our son until he had some context and perspective. Being old, I had both context and perspective, so I helped with that part of the search. </p>

<p>Just an observation.</p>

<p>coming at this from the other side … so far you have some good suggestions for carrots … Mom3togo and I he made the stick clear to our kids since they were pretty young … they can stay home one year after high school (paying rent) and then they are getting the boot … no visions of extended stays home.</p>

<p>I posted on an earlier thread that I am somewhat amazed at the things parents do to get their children into college. The post was deleted. I think that a parents role is to be supportive and I did remind my son about deadlines, etc. but I left it up to him to research schools, apply, etc. I don’t agree that parents should do the college research, proof-read essays, etc. I think our kids should get to college knowing that they got themselves there.</p>

<p>My only involvement was signing us up for some of the tours of California schools (and giving my credit card number for the application fees). He ended up applying to some out of state schools where his lack of demonstrated interest I think hurt him in the end (lots of waitlists). He is a procrastinator so I got a few nags in as far as deadlines but he’s in the school I believe he was meant to be in and very happy. I was much more involved in helping him with the FAFSA and CSS profile.</p>

<p>Both mine started off with a few colleges that they were interested in. I could tell from those few others that fit the mold, made a bunch of suggestions. They did the research and settled on which ones to visit. We took them on visits and they went from there (apps, essays, getting transcripts sent for the non-common app schools etc.) I, too, like the reseach so enjoyed sending them off to do the research. They were happy and relieved to have 3,000 whittled downn to 15-20 form which they each applied to arouond 5. I’m doing the “same” with #3. He’s has a couple that he’s interested in and I’m pulling together the “big list” for him to work from.</p>

<p>Once DD had her list, I put together a grid that had deadlines and what was needed for each application. I taped the grid on a folder for each college application and she did an application a week completing them in the order they were due. The structure really helped her through the crunch.</p>

<p>My son’s large public school set some serious deadlines for all students, so as a parent, I didn’t really do that much except serve as a sounding board. Your son has a gap year and so your family has no access to any of this. But perhaps you could share with him that this is what one large high school district in Silicon Valley CA asks its students to do over the summer after junior year (and submit it all by Sept. 30):</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Develop a list of 10-15 schools in which you’re interested. Your list must include at least one small school, one medium-sized school, and one large university. Include at least one school each from at least 3 different regions of the country. With each school, list the following:
average gpa of admitted students
average SAT or ACT " "
student population
Brief statement of why it would be a good fit for you, given your qualifications and interests.</p></li>
<li><p>Develop a resume that includes:
your gpa, weighted and unweighted
SAT and ACT scores
Number of honors and AP classes taken
List of Extracurricular activities, with how many years’ of involvement and # of weeks per year spent on each
Note: This is really helpful to have when applying to any school, public or private.</p></li>
<li><p>Download the common application. Develop draft essay responses to each of the questions on the application. </p></li>
</ol>

<p>Students had done steps 1-3 by the end of September. In October, they began drafting essays for the supplemental forms of colleges in which they were interested.</p>

<p>I don’t see anything wrong with helping them narrow down the options. If I had to describe my role in one word, it would be “consultant”. </p>

<p>With my son, it was a fairly free-form process, but he was happy to have me share my opinion of the different colleges, locales, etc. The junior year visits were very helpful, and it wasn’t that hard for him to decide where to apply. But I tried to be as useful as possible in terms of the timeline, reminding him of deadlines and such. The biggest issue was whether he would apply for scholarship deadline schools while waiting for news on his ED app to an Ivy. I was quite the cheerleader for the non-ED choices, because it horrified me to think he might have all his eggs in one basket. He didn’t get in ED, so it turned out to be a good thing that I pushed him a bit on the non-ED options. He is now a junior at his second choice school, and is having a fantastic experience with a huge scholarship. He has thanked me more than once for the prodding.</p>

<p>With my second child, I was more organized about the process. I did a lot of research based on her preferences, and offered her a menu of places she might want to visit junior year. She chose wisely, I think, focusing on places she thought she was pretty likely to get in, and which were quite different from one another. That helped narrow down the list of match and low reach schools, leaving the high reaches to be determined later. The best thing about this junior year trip was that she could envision herself at a pretty wide array of schools, and it helped her focus when it came to application season. (I describe this because I think the OP’s son could benefit from a little prodding to consider other options besides the one small, selective college, and it’s probably not too late to schedule a trip.) She ended up getting in ED to a reach school, but having seen the other options was really valuable, nonetheless.</p>

<p>So, that’s a long-winded answer to what I think is OP’s question. To sum up, I think a parent who is interested in doing some of the legwork and research can be a tremendous help, as long as it’s the kid who is actually writing the application. They’re not all crazily fascinated by college admissions, as I am, so it just seemed like a sensible use of my interests and organizational skills. As I told them, I just wanted them to have options, so I wasn’t willing to sit back and wait to see what happened.</p>

<p>I think I might hold his hand for about one hour. Get him to apply THIS WEEK to an academic & financial safety with a rolling admission that he would feel okay attending…Then I would hand him a cheat sheet on roughly what needs to be done, good websites, rough timelines, etc and then let him know that the rest is up to him.</p>

<p>(the reality is that I would cave in and try my best to get him to apply to a school where I think he would be happy) but…I was serious about getting him accepted early on to a school he deems acceptable.</p>

<p>I was not about to leave the decision of where <em>I</em> would spend $220,000+ to a 17 year old kid whose judgment about college choice was untested and unproven, whose administrative, secretarial, and organizational skills were dependent on the phase of the moon, who had no idea what sort of school would best fill his social and academic needs, and who has no skill at self salesmanship.</p>

<p>I researched and narrowed his options for him to consider, organized our cross country visit, and corralled him through the application process. When April came, he revisited his top choices and made his decision. </p>

<p>According to some on CC, all this parental involvement would be a recipe for disaster and proof that he was not ready for college. He has been at school 3+ weeks, has taken care of all the issues that have come up himself, is happy as a clam and the only questions I have been asked have involved laundry.</p>

<p>OP, I agree with you that your son’s actions aren’t that ambiguous–he’s been fairly consistent in avoiding the whole college application process. So on the one hand, it seems safe to “assume that he doesn’t really want to do this right now.” </p>

<p>On the other, there could be some emotional, social or other problem at the root of his failure to stay on task with college plans.</p>

<p>Perhaps if you try a new approach, the truth will come out, e.g., Go with the assumption he isn’t interested in or ready for college right now. Make your acceptance/love outreach letting him know that’s okay, and then set the practical terms you are willing to stand by re: continued financial support now/in the future, including what financial support you’d extend if he decided to go to college in the future. </p>

<p>Hopefully, that will open a new line of communication, either on the spot or after he chews a few days on the timeline you’ve set for his financial independence from you. Ideally, he will either confirm, “Yes, I’m just not ready, but I didn’t want to disappoint you,” or “It’s not that I don’t want to go to college right now, it’s just that <insert problem=”“>.”</insert></p>

<p>By chance, does he have any friends from the year ahead of him who took a gap year and are starting college this fall? He might get motivated after talking with them. My daughter took a gap year–it was a great experience and the right thing for her–but she was very ready to start college when it came time, i.e., if she had to “gap a second year,” it wouldn’t have been pretty. </p>

<p>Good luck and best wishes figuring out what’s going on and how you can best support your son.</p>

<p>I did a lot to support my kids in their approach to college. I did research, I directed them towards schools that made sense for them given their interests and preferences. I narrowed down the schools based on finances and financial aid. I kept track of deadlines and made sure they met them. I did much of the purely administrative stuff and also the errand-y type stuff (making copies, collating things, addressing envelopes, going to the post office, etc.).</p>

<p>Did this mean they weren’t ready for college? Well, that’s an argument some make. However they are both beginning their junior years at their colleges now, and they’re doing great… I don’t think it was that they weren’t ready for college academically and socially. However, they certainly weren’t ready to handle the protracted and complicated approach to college. Heck, it was more complicated than buying a house and I wouldn’t expect them to be able to do that.</p>

<p>Now that they’re on their way, I volunteer helping kids at the local high school with their college and financial aid applications. Many, many, many kids do not have that parental support. They are not the better for it.</p>

<p>Both my son and daughter were a bit overwhelmed by the choices in colleges that they could have. I asked them what their real interests were and suggested some colleges as well as bought them a couple of college guides. Nothing!!! Not until I insisted that they visit some colleges was their any real interest in starting the app process. I might suggest you do the same. Once the ball was rolling, my kids took it from there. I was impressed with the efforts and organization they put into the app process. </p>

<p>Interesting to note: I suggested two schools to visit for my daughter. It was when we were on vacation in New England (we live in CA). Thought it was a good idea to start the process with two schools that could be a good fit but she probably wasn’t interested in because of the distance from home. That way there would be no pressure on her at all during those visits. Ended up she like one of the schools and applied there, got accepted and that’s where she wanted to go. She is now a freshman there and doing great.</p>

<p>We approached the college search and selection process as a new school subject. How can you expect a student to do well on the final if they haven’t been taught and given a chance to master the curriculum? At first, they learned the theories, strategies and formulas. The teacher was very involved. As time went on, they began to use what they had learned more independently. By the end, I was just there to help with the tough problems and to support their successes. They did great on the final!</p>

<p>The process is complicated and competitive. For many of us, financial considerations are extremely important. I didn’t expect my ds to ace the Calculus final without a year of education. Why would I expect them to ace this subject without the same learning opportunity?</p>

<p>I often wish our school offered a college search and selection class as an elective.</p>

<p>I have four very different kids and ds who should be writing essays and completing apps is the one we call Tom Sawyer. I have done way too much in the search and research process - while he could just sit back and watch me paint the fence! The apps will be completed a couple hours before deadlines, I am certain. But it will be a nail biter for me!! Thankfully the next 2 kids are the overachiever, terribly organized and methodical types. Should be a breeze in comparison.</p>