Tough going back after break

Parents Forum
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<p>Speaking of weather: I'm sure many eastcoast kids were looking forward to getting back to CA weather (current rainstorms notwithstanding). Conversely, I have kids who want to be around cold & snow and what they refer to as "real weather".</p>

<p>Raised in an area with a mild and dreary climate, my grad student S craved a place where the weather was different. He has now spent 6 years in areas we fondly refer to as "frozen tundras". We love his pictures of ice-skating and playing hockey on frozen ponds (even though he can't turn left or skate backward LOL) and 11" of snow on top of his car. D also chose a VERY COLD location (jury out for 4 years on her enjoyment of the winter). Yes, weather can get old during parts of the year (usually culminating in finals). Fortunately, in my kids' cases they don't find that it affects their moods. Except when my S gets disappointed when the weather forecasters are wrong again.</p>

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<p>My son too was home for break, from 12/22 to 1/2, way too short in my opinion. He had to leave for school early this summer for football and went to teammates house for Turkey Day, was too much money to come home for 4 days. So he ended up being gone from home from mid-summer til 12/22. I missed him so much. He missed us but not the same at all. He spent most of his childhood moving around alot so going away to school was not really any different than before and he had also moved mid-senior year as well. He also has gone away every summer for summer programs (academic) and camp for football.</p>

<p>He was telling us all about school and all of us wanted to go back with him!! We went to dinner one night and he sheepishly confessed his meals were much better back at his college. Their meals are cooked when ordered, laundry is done for the football players, and he loves his school. Most of his time is accounted for while there, class, football, frat, works for the college president... He is having the time of his life.</p>

<p>Like I said, we all wanted to go with him. Some of the other football parents called and said he has adjusted well considering he has never been to MN before or really cold weather. He loves it, playing in the snow, living in the northern mid-west..he is having a ball. Granted we live in the sleepy southern town and he moved here from Vegas. And we were originally from the Bay Area. So this is something he has never done before. His sister (a senior) was actually contemplating going with him, just because he was having so much fun.</p>

<p>They don't even have her program she is interested in!! But she came back to reality, and wi****lly put the application from his school away. She will probably attend a larger institution while he is a an LAC.</p>

<p>I just wish he had missed us a little more. Or was just a little unhappy there. Geez, he likes the food better than home. And they wash his clothes with a fabric softner he likes better than mine. He came home with all clean clothes nestly folded. I was completely unneeded. He packed up his stuff by himself, was picked up from the airport BY HIMSELF, got back to the airport and picked up in MN, BY HIMSELF, bought his tickets....blah, blah, blah, by himself.</p>

<p>I was not needed, in any way shape or form. he even brought home Christmas presents, WRAPPED, for us, paid for with his job and scholarship and left me with grocery money for what he ate while home.</p>

<p>I was so sad. He literally, needed nothing from me except to borrow the book I was reading. My Christmas present was some music I had wanted for a long time and didn't know was out and he ordered it and had it shipped to a friends and picked it up when home. He also had football pics done and paid for (surprise, I didn't know since he didn't have me pay for them) and put in a nice frame for me, my parents and my sis. He even sent something to my grandma in FL.</p>

<p>He is my oldest son, but I thought he would need me to help with some things. Nope.</p>

<p>He left some spending money with each of his sibs. I didn't know til yesterday. And left his little brothers with some cash, but more important to them MCD's gift certificates so they can go eat with their friends for lunch. I didn't even know. He told them to keep quiet, in case I felt bad.</p>

<p>I did, I do.</p>

<p>We all miss him so much. I am glad he is happy, but I just wish he wanted to come home a little more.</p>

<p>I am envious of those whose children are more hesitant to go back. He will be back for spring break, but even now he is making noises that he might change the ticket to just a return in May and do something different for spring break with one of his professors. We will see. He did say he will make arrangements for next year so I can go up see some of his games. I have missed him playing on Friday nights!!!</p>

<p>It was incredibly cold up there, but he is having a ball! I personally think he is nuts. At least he misses sweet tea and chicken biscuits. And his cat. His high school friends were over every day during break, so that was a lot of fun and the house was crazy again with his football buddies. It just seems much emptier now and no one will seat in his seat at dinner.</p>

<p>I miss him so much, I said that already.</p>

<p>Kat missing my much grown-up kitten</p>

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<p>Kat
You raised a wondrful, sensitive son. To bring gifs, help out his younger siblings, make such a wonderful adjustment, be proud. If he wasn't so special, he wouldn't be missed so much.</p>

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<p>Kat...second bookworm's comment: what a wonderful boy. </p>

<p>I would also like to add that I think that some of this generosity and thoughtfulness may also be taught within athletics programs (I don't know if that is true for your son, or whether it is all because of you :) ). I know that the coaches both in high school and college really viewed part of their mission as "raising" these boys and instilling values in them--teaching them how to speak to adults, how to take care of and support each other as a family, and many other things. </p>

<p>I appreciate everyone's comments! The question was prompted primarily by my friend's momentary sympathy for her far-away son sounding a bit homesick after returning, and I felt at a loss to answer, and then saw that others here were facing some of the same issues. I do think that it is important to remember that EVERY kid is going to have ups and downs, and for people not to feel discouraged or alone when others seem to be fine.</p>

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<p>Kat-</p>

<p>He sounds like he's enjoying school!! Ah, that's great news. As a mom, I know you are thrilled for him.....no matter how useless you feel at this point. Job well done.</p>

<p>I wish all of our kids could enjoy school so much. Through no fault of the parents, they aren't all so lucky. Thanks for sharing the great news :)</p>

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<p>Kat,</p>

<p>Your message reminded me of a funny incident when I was in college. My boyfriend showed up at my dorm to say good bye before Christmas break one year. This is back in the day when college boys had very long hair and fought a lot with parents about it. Well, when he showed up, he had the shortest hair I'd ever seen on him; I was taken by surprise and commented on his hair cut. He said "Yeah, I just couldn't face doing laundry." </p>

<p>When I asked what the heck he meant, he said he'd learned that if he went home with dirty clothes and long hair, he fought with his dad who would complain he looked like a bum and was treating his mom like a maid expecting her to wash his clothes. But once when he went home with a haircut and clean clothes, he found his mom sobbing. Why? "She felt like I was all grown up and didn't need her anymore." So, he'd learned to go home with clean clothes OR a hair cut, but never both. "If I don't do either, they get really mad because they haven't taught me anything. If I do both, my mom gets upset, because she feels unneeded." </p>

<p>Sounds like things haven't changed much ;)!</p>

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<p>i came home on december 21st...with tons of dirty clothes :) it took me forever to wash all of them! those stories are very cute. it's funny what kids do so that their parents dont have to... at all ages, not just in college. i have a cute story to tell that happened yesterday. as i've posted before, my aunt and her two kids (17, 6) are living with us (temporarily). yesterday my aunt had to work till 8 pm, and then go shopping afterwords, so she didn't end up getting home till about 10. the little 6 year old decided that she would clean before her mother was home. so she organized the bathroom, got together piles of clothing, straightened up their rooms, dusted and i think she vacumned the basement (which is where they are staying), came upstairs and got a bath, then went back downstairs and started coloring pictures to give to her mom. i asked her why she was cleaning everything, and she responded with something like i know my mommy will be tired when she gets home from work, and i want to have everything all ready so she can sit down and relax. I thought it was really cute.. the funny thing was that when she got out her stuff to start coloring, she had the living room all messed up again :)</p>

<p>I turn 22 on tuesday, and then i am going back out to the school area on the 12th and 13th to work, and I move back for good on the 19th.</p>

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<p>Thanks everyone for the replies. Just even typing my post made me so sad and missing my son so very much. He has 4 other siblings that also miss him so that just intensifies the feelings. There has been no dad in the picture for many, many years so he is often looked to for advice and suggestions. And since he and his sibs are just a year apart (like steps) they have always been in school together and classes and on some of the same teams. Even when they were little they played pop warner football together and little league and swam on the same swim teams.</p>

<p>It has been hard on all of them, but he really deserves his chance and he made his opportunities happen. There was no money to go away to school, heck there was no money to stay, so he worked hard, made some good choices and now he is where he is.</p>

<p>And yes, to the above poster, I do think football had a lot to do with shaping his character. He has played since he was 10, every season and baseball in the spring. His coaches impressed upon them responsibility, committment, academics and sportsmanship. He was lucky to have coaches that downplayed trash-talking and a win at all cost attitude. Not that he hasn't run across that attitude with some coaches it was just overshadowed by others.</p>

<p>He still calls often, and emails everyone and we AIM each other every day, it just isn't the same and we as a family are actually hurting in his absence. I am just thankful everyday that he isn't in Iraq serving his country, at least not yet. He hopes to fly someday, I just have put that out of my mind for now.</p>

<p>And I do agree with others that he too probably has his down moments but we would never be allowed to see them. That's just not who he is. And yep, I balled like a baby when he left. He didn't even let us go the airport, said it would be to hectic and hard on us.</p>

<p>I hope son #2 (a junior) goes to Duke or Carolina. This is just too hard.</p>

<p>Kat</p>

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<p>Kat: Last night I kept thinking about your post telling how your son gave spending money and McDonald's gift certificates to his younger siblings. I think that shows incredible maturity and sensitivity for a young man of his age. Obviously you have done a wonderful job of raising him.</p>

<p>One of my friends told me this story as my D was heading off to college out of state. When her oldest D started college, my friend kept hearing "Are you sad that she is going away to college?" And my friend would reply, "No, that's what I raised her to do."</p>

<p>This has helped me a lot with accepting the change of having my D away at school. Yes, it is hard. But each time you are hit with the sadness, try remembering all those parents with college-age kids who aren't turning out so well. </p>

<p>You raised your son to have wings, and now he can fly. (And I think he'll always come back to the nest.)</p>

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<p>One of my friends told me this story as my D was heading off to college out of state. When her oldest D started college, my friend kept hearing "Are you sad that she is going away to college?" And my friend would reply, "No, that's what I raised her to do."</p>

<p>Bookiemom,
I get the same question all the time! This is what it is all about. She worked so hard to get where she is at...H & I are absolutely thrilled for the opportunity she created to attend a great college. She is happy, and so are we. D1 returns to PA on Saturday...I think she has been ready to return about 10 days ago. ;) I'm glad she was "bored" during winter break...it has motivated her to think about the summer and next yr. She should be at Starbucks right now finishing up her essay as part of her application to be a customs person (similar to RA) for the incoming 1st yr students in the fall. D1 is enjoying her new life...and we still have 2 more at home to keep us focused. It's all good...</p>

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<p>Patient -- Thought of this thread yesterday, when S said: "I've been telling everyone how much I love college and what I'm involved in there. So how come I'm not that anxious to go back." :)
I tried out the life is so cozy at home theory. He agreed, then added that he's also already worrying about next year: housing, choosing courses and a major, etc. Hit the proverbial nail on the head.</p>

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<p>kat, it sounds like you have a wonderful son. You should be proud. :) From the sounds of it, you and he, and his siblings, will always be close, even if there are many miles between you. That is something to be thankful for because there are so many parents and children who live in the same house but are not 'close'. I hope you get to go up to see him play next fall. I know how much I enjoy seeing my girls play soccer. I've spent a lot of my life over the past 17 years at soccer fields, but still love it. Thanks for sharing your story about that great kid of yours. :)</p>

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<p>I think some of it is that they just finished finals, which for many of them are eye-opening-hard. Then, they get to totally relax for several weeks and it probably feels like it will last forever. All of a sudden they have to go back and start the grind all over again. Probably takes a little while for them to gear back into action and also to be reminded that there is a lot of fun along with the work. </p>

<p>I agree with those who say that this is what we raised them to do; also, that this is what they want, even if they take a nostalgic look back toward home and realize that it too is a warm place to be. </p>

<p>Thedad will jump all over this because he hates Kahlil Gibran ;), but it is that old poem, "Your children are not your children"....I still think that poem is a good reminder, at least it is for me....</p>

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<p>Patient, I'm an old softy when it comes to sentimental quotes. The one that keeps running through my mind is the old John Sebastian song: Go and beat your crazy head against the sky! I think of it every time we say Godspeed.</p>

<p>Our son's visit was short but very, very sweet. We had a whole string of social events with the kids and their families. How well they are all doing! It really reminded me that there are a whole lot of wonderful college choices all over the world. The disaster in Aceh did cast an unsettling cloud on the visit, however. I think the kids who can leave Indonesia to return to their relatively privileged lives at sparkling campuses always feel a bit bittersweet, but this year they felt guilty.</p>

<p>Even though Williams' holiday break is short, the kids really, really look forward to getting back for Winter Study, which is the equivalent of a month long winter carnival, about 25% intellectual stimulus and 75% fun with your friends in the snow. Son's taking large format photography this year, taught by a well-known architectural photographer. Says it's harder than it looks, but is enjoying the challenge. Is also using the downtime to write applications for summer internships and grants. I told him to get good at it as he's going to be applying for one thing or another for years to come.</p>

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<p>"When her oldest D started college, my friend kept hearing "Are you sad that she is going away to college?" And my friend would reply, "No, that's what I raised her to do."</p>

<p>Thanks for the above, Bookiemom. I've just been saying "Yes" when asked that question and then I get told to get some therapy. This is a much better answer, especially because it is true.</p>

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<p>Kat--that was very uplifting to read about your S and be reminded afresh that there really are many truly good people on this planet.
My freshman D is about to head back in a few days. She loves it at her college and is fully engaged there, but she'll be dragging back with her the ache of a painful breakup. She and the boy go to two different schools, and the distance proved to be too much, though they're two beautiful young people who really loved each other and really tried. She's a sensible, focused girl, but this one has knocked her back a bit. I really don't believe counseling is indicated here. her friends and family have rallied 'round her. Her brother and boy cousins have been very helpful, taking her to museums and bowling and making her laugh. I know time will heal this and that she'll likely go back, become re-immersed in school and move on. I know my role is to listen, to hug and support, and that's what I've done. But I'd like to send her back as strong and fortified as possible. Anything else a mom can do? Any wise ones who've walked this path have any additional thoughts, anecdotes or reading recommendations?</p>

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<p>Sad, but going back to college, fortified or not, could well be the best thing for her, too much support and sympathy can lead to wallowing in misery, no matter how well-intentioned it is.</p>