<p>My daughter just went back to college after being home for five amazing weeks during winter break. I already miss her terribly. She's in her second year of college, so this is the fourth time I've gone through this horrible feeling of emptiness when she leaves at the beginning of each semester. WILL IT EVER GET ANY EASIER?</p>
<p>She is our only child and I've been a stay-at-home mom for 20 years. My husband and I endured years of infertility treatments and had just about given up. It's hard to put into words how much I miss her when she's away at school. Having her home for the past 5 weeks has made me feel complete again. There's a hole in my heart when she's not here. Just simple things like washing her clothes, cooking for her, watching TV together, and saying goodnight to her every night brings me joy. I looked forward to our dinners together every night when she would tell us about her project at work or what she did with her friends.</p>
<p>This summer, she will participate in an exciting 12-week internship over 3000 miles away. She will only be home for about 6 days the entire summer. This is going to be extremely difficult for me as well as her.</p>
<p>I would love to hear from other parents. How do you feel when each new semester begins and your child is back to college? How do you deal with those feelings? What do you enjoy most about your time together when your child is home on break?</p>
<p>My D is going back to college on Sunday to begin the second semester of junior year. She has off-campus housing next year which begins in June and will be staying on campus for the summer and only God knows what she will do after graduation. Which means that this winter break might realistically be the last time she lives at home.</p>
<p>For me, it never gets better. I ALWAYS cry when my husband drives her away. When we move her into the apartment in June, I have already warned her that I’m going to have a very hard time with it and to expect major hysterics. We agree that as long as I don’t grab on to her ankles and refuse to leave, we’ll call it good.</p>
<p>You need to be active for yourself by finding something that occupies your mind and your time. Whatever it is that you love or would like to know more about, or exercise or volunteering would be great. Many schools can really use adult mentors or grown-ups who will help little ones with their reading in a one-on-one setting. Your gifts, talent and love could be put to great use by people who wouldn’t otherwise be so blessed.</p>
<p>The short answer is that it doesn’t get better because we love them so much. The long answer is that the joy of seeing what they can really do and be is so much greater than any sadness could be. The best thing is coming to learn that when they aren’t stuck with you, they choose to seek you out because they love and appreciate you.</p>
<p>Is there any way you could take a visit to her on that internship?</p>
<p>Start volunteering at a school, hospital, church, etc. Take up a hobby or sport. Write a book. Keep busy. It will keep your mind off of how much you miss her.</p>
<p>I even have twinges of that with a D who is out of college. She was home for a week at Christmas, and it was great to have her, sad to send her back home. I remind myself she is living her life and doing very well with it. I have been an at-home mom for 20+ years myself, but have a son in college and one more D to go. I have already started considering what I will do with my time next year. I was only sad for a few hours when I sent the boy back to school a few weeks ago, but I have gotten used to them being gone for the most part. I’m sure your situation is made worse by the fact that she is your only, a girl, and you stayed home. It did get easier for me as time went by, I agree that the solution is to be busy and find other outlets for your energy.</p>
<p>OP - I have an only also, a D who just graduated from college and now has a very demanding career. I know EXACTLY how you feel, and I tried everything suggested here (and more): spent more time at work; volunteered more at church and in the community’; traveled more; started new hobbies. I even went back to school at night. All of these things helped, but honestly, nothing really cured/cures that empty feeling.</p>
<p>Really, it’s not a matter of filling up the time - it’s more like trying to fill up the hole in your heart. Or at least that’s how I felt.</p>
<p>Zoosermom - I love that ankle-grabbing comment too!</p>
<p>I’m afraid I don’t have a lot of comforting advice except - soldier on! What’s the alternative? (There are only so many days you can spend in your pajamas eating chocolate and crying over the baby pictures… I know!) It does help to have sympathetic friends and a sounding board. Good luck - and if you find the magic bullet, please let me know.</p>
<p>OP, It doesn’t get easier. I like to think about the opportunities my kids are having to grow and learn about the world and themselves. Hugs to you.</p>
<p>Even if it doesn’t get easier, think how much better you have it than the parents who can’t wait for their kid to get out of the house. I have friends whose relationships with their kids changed so much when they went to college that they have been strained ever since. Rejoice in the fact that you still like yours.</p>
<p>Psychmom knows that I am the personification of the yappy little dog, so picture that!</p>
<p>I love all my children with my entire being, but this daughter is my soul mate, so her absence really weighs on me. Earlier in the fall, I did a lot of soul searching, particularly since my baby started high school, and I decided that what I would do is recommit with all my energy, creativity and time to my marriage. It’s been a pretty wonderful journey so far and I can say that I remember why I chose this man to raise my kids with me!</p>
<p>I have to say that I am always sad when DD leaves, but it is now more normal when she’s not here. She leaves on Sunday for spring semester (same college as zoosermom’s DD) - after being home since 12/7/12 – the longest she’s been home since HS since she works out of town in the summers. I already know that she doesn’t want to work in NYC (which she can commute to from home) after graduation in 2014. I am really close with her and we still talk and text a lot when she is not home (even when she was studying abroad) so that will never change. </p>
<p>While my DS is still home for a few more months (goes to college this August!), I have found even more things to do. In addition to having my own business, I started on a master’s degree in Jan 2012. And my DH and I are looking forward to even short trips that we can take alone and NOT during primetime holiday vacation weeks.</p>
<p>Nothing will ever replace feeling needed by my kids to do things for them. I know in the future (way in the future) they will need me similarly when they have their own kids. I will be there for them now as I have in the past. But I don’t feel guilty about reclaiming my life now. And while I will be sad when DD leaves again on Sunday, I know she is thrilled to be going back to school as that is where she belongs and that is where she is thriving. And I will be similarly sad when DS leaves also – but I am truly so excited by the opportunities that await both my kids. I choose to dwell on this instead of how much I miss them.</p>
<p>When DD went to sleepaway camp for the first time when she was 12, my mantra was, “just because it’s best for her, doesn’t mean it is easy for me.” I said that again when we dropped her off freshman year. It doesn’t have to be easy for me. Being a mom, as you all know, is hard. But it’s rewarding. Just let yourself feel sad and then move on. Be happy for your DD and then find ways to make yourself happy.</p>
<p>Like your DD, mine is also thriving in college. I’m amazed at how much she has grown emotionally, socially, and academically over the past 1-1/2 years. My husband and I are incredibly proud of her. She’s maintained a 4.0 GPA in a demanding major. She’s fought to overcome her social anxiety. She has a good head on her shoulders and a very promising future.</p>
<p>I seem to be having trouble with the transition from being a stay-at-home mom to being a housewife (defined as a married woman whose main occupation is caring for her family, managing household affairs, and doing housework). I had a career for 14 years before I quit work to stay at home. I seem to have slowly lost my sense of self over the past 20 years. I have no regrets however.</p>
<p>Judging by the lack of responses to my post, I assume that most of the other CC parents don’t feel the same way that I do. I supposed I may appear to be too maudlin.</p>
<p>My husband often says: “This is the way it’s supposed to be - they grow up, they mature, they move out, and they start their own lives.” To which I always say: “It may be ‘the way it’s supposed to be,’ but that doesn’t mean I have to like it!”</p>
<p>I guess I will chime in as a parent who doesn’t have that horrible feeling. My D is an only child and I am a recently married, but still single parent (his D in another school district till summer when they will move in with me). Yes, my house went from busy with D and her teammates to completely empty, but I am so happy for her - the kid who was ready to go off to college 3000 miles away (not to escape her charmed life at home but b/c she loves the next steps) as a sophomore in HS.</p>
<p>I am excited for her and fortunately do work a full time career (which I went back to from stay-at-home-mom when she turned 12 - b/c I became a single parent and had to) so I am busy during the week days. </p>
<p>I just really don’t have a hole in my heart - we have always been very close, but the hole is filled with her dreams for her future and I watch what I can/am allowed to see!!! And I sneak around her FB page a lot!!!</p>
<p>Aqua, I understand completely! I went through a lot to have a child because I really wanted to have that connection. I loved the whole kid thing and spent endless hours making sure he was safe, happy, well cared for, well educated and responsible. He rewarded me by growing up to be a smart sensitive sweet guy, and getting into a college he loves many miles away. He didn’t just go away to college, he’s gone away to explore the world. He’s now a junior and I see him maybe a total of two weeks a year. </p>
<p>Initially I become really depressed, and had to do all the things that other people have recommended. And I still feel grief every time he leaves again. But I’ve had to embrace the fact that when you have kids, they grow up. I must confess that I’m an old hippy and I found Kahlil Gibran’s writing in “The Prophet” titled “On Children” very helpful:</p>
<p>On Children</p>
<pre><code> And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, “Speak to us of Children.” And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
</code></pre>