Tough going back after break

Parents Forum
1

<p>A friend and I were comparing notes on our college freshmen today. I think it may be hard to go back after winter break--a lot of the newness has worn off, in many cases the weather is depressing (even out West at the moment!), classes may be tougher, or just not as exciting....and a lot of threads on here are talking about children having a hard time.</p>

<p>Is this a common experience? If so, do some of the parents with older kids have suggestions, or is it just a matter of settling in again?</p>

2

<p>honestly the first time coming back after break is the worst, because you still don't know that many people.. but believe me, after that break, all i ever wanted to do was go back to school. i refer to that as my home, nd when i come here this is my parents house :P most of my friends are there, and by now i know a ton of people.. so it's great to get back and be with them again.</p>

<p>I don't go back till the 19th, but I am going out the 12th and 13th to visit some friends, and to work at my job.. I need money :) i went out this past sunday and monday as well.</p>

3

<p>Mine was home less than 2 weeks and I think that helped. It was long enough to relax, sleep, get together with friends and see the gf, but not so long that he got used to being a bum (his words, not mine). He was glad to get home, and glad to head back to school. </p>

<p>I don't know, but I imagine it's fairly common for freshmen. Mine enjoyed being home with mom to cook, do laundry, and worry about him! He's discovered that being completely responsible for himself at school isn't all fun and games. Although he loves college, leaving all of that responsibility for even 2 weeks was nice. Isn't that why we look forward to vacations? And it's always been hard to come home from vacation, facing the regular daily grind (and maybe the house you didn't have time to clean before you left). Now imagine that you're still not comfortable or thrilled with your daily grind, and it's understandable that freshmen might be a little apprehensive about heading back to school. It really is easier at home with family and friends you've known for years, no exams or homework. </p>

<p>Did that make any sense? Sorry - it's late and I'm exhausted.</p>

4

<p>I would think it is kind of tough, but my not very communicative freshman son isn't saying--he went back on Sunday. Course he did have the novelty of freezing cold and snow to look forward to, and ice falling off of buildings and injuring people in downtown Chicago . Also, I imagine one of his days was brightened by the package of long underwear I had shipped to him! Honestly, the only thing we have heard since he went back is a one word e-mail. His dad sent an e-mail inquiring as to whether he made it to his destination safely and his replay was, "perhaps."</p>

5

<p>He seemed happy, but I have not heard a word since he hopped on the plane to Glasgow.</p>

6

<p>Mstee...LOL!</p>

7

<p>I think it interesting that 3 or so weeks ago there was the thread about how happy kids are at the schools they did not apply ED to(remember all those 10's) , and now there are so many threads about the struggles kids have with adjusting.</p>

<p>Normal "cultural" adjustment- and this is what these kids are doing, they are making a cultural adjustment, has several phases. Initially, in the newness of it all there is just pure excitement. you look past the not so great things..over the first few months you see more, rationalize more..but then after about 4-6 months you get to the low point, when the newness has worn off, the apparent challenges are more evident. The charm isn't so evident- you're tired of the food, the weather, whatever... After this, typically adjusting people reach an equilibrium where they have a sense of where they fit in the new culture, how to cope with things that are not to their liking, how to make things work for themselves. </p>

<p>Plus, in the new culture there is loss of "status", perhaps some very hard classes, separation from friends, etc...</p>

<p>This is all normal. The problem is that the low point coincides with the long holiday at home, so that the kids contrast the familiar/successful/comfortable home environment with the school- which at this point is probably as unappealing as it may ever be for some...</p>

<p>Reassurance that this is normal, reminding the kid why they wanted to go, helping them to figure out how to feel a part of the new place, reminding them that it takes about a year to make a real friend, setting short term tangible goals, helping them to feel optimistic (yes, first semester classes were hard, you didn't know what to expect, now you know what to expect, it will be easier..)...etc..might all help. For many kids this is their first big move, ever...remember. </p>

<p>Abnormal adjustment will typically involve increased anxiety or signs of depression---as some of the posters are describing. </p>

<p>The cultural adjustment for my son has been huge-- he looks and talks like an American but has lived overseas for long enough that he is now a "third culture kid"- not a part of the local culture, but no longer "fully American." He went in with the expectation that the being back in the US was going to represent a huge change- and we had discussed and he had discussed with friends all the reasons why- which has helped some. Furthermore, his roommate is Chinese and not likely to go home for a long time. I think my son contrasts his situation (he went to friends' house for Thanksgiving, he saw family at Christmas) with his roommate's and realizes he has it pretty good...</p>

<p>But then, son doesn't have to get on the plane back to college for 10 more days, so we'll see!!</p>

8

<p>thanks for taking the time to write that, robyrm! Hope your son has a happy return.<br>
(Frankly, I had a hard time adjusting to going back to work this week, after two weeks of sleeping late and enjoying the freedom of no routine!)</p>

9

<p>Hi Patient,
It sounds like your son had a great first quarter at Stanford, but I'm sure it was pretty stressful between the demanding academics and the additional athletic commitments he has. I know that for my son, studying for exams at Stanford is a really stressful experience and it is hard to gear up and start over again. It may be even more difficult next time between the winter and spring quarters, as there is only a one week break instead of almost a month. As for suggestions, I don't know if your son has time to get involved in activities because of his athletic commitments, but Intramural teams are a lot of fun and also there will be dorm ski trips which are really wild, as I understand it, and other social stuff coming up. I guess it is understandable that kids won't be ecstatically happy all of the time - they may even be upset and unhappy at times when they have difficulties they need to deal with, and all we can hope is that their overall experience is positive both educationally and socially. One last thought, probably most of you other parents have already noticed this too - it seems like the kids often call the parents when they are upset or unhappy about something and this upsets the parents. In the meantime, the kids are over whatever has been bothering them but the parents are still dwelling on it because the kids don't bother to call and say everything is fine! I don't know if this is the case with your son, but it is with mine!</p>

10

<p>"Is this a common experience? If so, do some of the parents with older kids have suggestions, or is it just a matter of settling in again?"</p>

<p>Skip school for a week. Go to AZ. At least that's what I WISH I could do.</p>

11

<p>My son just left hours ago, and he was very excited to be getting back to his "other home." He had a great visit at home, re-connecting with all of his H.S. friends, sharing college stories (most of which I am probably glad not to have been privy to), snowboarding, etc. But he was just as excited to be heading back to school and his new group of freinds. I am just happy that he has adjusted so well, so quickly.</p>

12

<p>I took the last week and a half of the year off and just hung out at home. It was really tough going back to work. I felt like quitting my job. Think anybody cares? :)</p>

13

<p>"Is this a common experience? If so, do some of the parents with older kids have suggestions, or is it just a matter of settling in again?"</p>

<p>I don't think there is settling going on when they return home for breaks. Frosh D very happy at ED college with the typical minor adjustment issues (working on less sleep, learning what's expected, having to clean her own bathroom LOL, etc.). She felt between worlds during winter break. K-12 friendships were in various states of tightening or loosening (which disturbed her), contrasting with the strong draw of new college friends. She was very anxious to get back to school and new friends and get to work in her new classes. Several years ago, her older brother (now a grad student) spent his first summer at home, got a full-time job, and took a few quick trips to visit college friends in other parts of the country. Trips seemed to help with the disequilibrium. S just came home for 10 days, but at 23 his home is not ours. Saw a few old friends, but his life is elsewhere. We were thrilled that he gave us 10 days, but knew he needed to get back. I remember the same restlessness from 30 years ago.</p>

14

<p>Patient -- S hasn't gone back yet but is on a roadtrip with a friend (guess our company wore a little thin!), so I can't gauge this yet. But what I have noticed is that over Thanksgiving, which was so short, he was very much involved with doing his own laundry, handling his travel, showing off all his new found adult competence. Over this, longer break, he has gradually reverted to the high school kid -- dishes scattered all over, appearing at mealtimes with the assumption we will provide and then disappearing immediately after, asking whether we've done his shirts yet, grumbling about his lack of cash. The thrill of acting like an adult has already lost some of its luster. I think part of the reluctance to go back may be the realization that things are pretty cozy at home, and now you have to go back to being responsible again for all the messy details of getting yourself clothed and fed.</p>

<p>The other observation is that college finals were really a shock to the system -- at least they were for my kid. He never experienced that level of stress, with half or sixty percent of a grade riding on one test. Now that they know what finals are like, even though they have done well in the first round, I suspect they head back with that looming over them in a way it did not before. There may also be some additional stresses coming up -- housing decisions for next year, getting started looking for a summer job (I know your son has summer plans already, but mine doesn't), selecting classes for the Fall while trying to figure out a major or how to keep options open for certain majors, and a longer period without returning home. In the Fall, they had parents weekend, Thanksgiving, Christmas to look forward to. As for housing, my son has made the interesting observation that he can't imagine living with any of his friends. He has enjoyed having very quiet suitemates who are not his close friends, because he can go be rowdier with his friends and know he can always rely on coming back to a quiet room to study or sleep. So, that decision will be coming up soon and could make for some interesting social dynamics.</p>

15

<p>I agree with everything sac said above. It rings true with what I have observed with my son.</p>

16

<p>Jumping back in (after several months of "lurking"); my freshman D attends Stanford, is enjoying her first week back at school, and is looking forward to this quarter. I think several factors have helped her. Besides having good friends and an excellent roommate (very important), she purposely took a relatively light load first quarter--only 15 units--and did very well without a great deal of stress. She found finals week almost boring, with only 2 finals to study for. She felt it was a good idea not to be too overloaded that first quarter. She also found a really fun extracurricular activity first quarter--something completely new that she had not done before--and is enjoying that. Besides the one required Humanities class, and one class to fulfill a science requirement, she chose the rest of her classes for second quarter strictly on the basis of what sounded interesting--not, as of now, anticipating a major or career. She feels that, as a freshman, it's more important to explore a wide variety of things than settle too quickly on a specific major. Of course, certain majors such as engineering don't have this kind of luxury, which is unfortunate at a school like Stanford that has so many incredible offerings in so many different fields. And, there are so many fun activities planned this quarter in the dorm--ski trips, parties, dances--that that helps to make the adjustment more smooth. Like every freshman, she has her lonely or sad times, but all in all, I'm grateful at how smoothly it's gone.</p>

17

<p>My son returns in a week, and he's looking forward to going back to school. He will have to help move his roommates things, so that might be a little stressful. (Apparently the roommate left thinking he might return, but isn't) Funny thing about the weather. He had NO snow in PA, but we got 12 inches over Christmas in South Texas!</p>

18

<p>My son boards the plane at 8:17 tomorrow morning. He's been ready to return for at least a week. He was ready to go back after the six day Ivan break in September and was ready to head back Thanksgiving, so I wasn't surprised. I see it as a positive sign that he is happy in his new surroundings. However, the inevitable has happened this Christmas break. His HS friends scattered to the four winds for college, and although still friends, they have drifted apart a little. I think that just intensified his desire to get back to school and his new friendsl</p>

19

<p>Alongfortheride, great to see you back on this board. I've noticed that some people just vanished when the new format was created.</p>

<p>My son is looking forward to going back. I agree about the high school friendships weakening a little. He says he will miss the comforts of home, though, after having been home for a month.</p>

20

<p>Living in NE, I would add another factor to sac's excellent analysis: weather. By mid-January, the excitement of winter is over, but winter seems to stretch endlessly, the days are still short and things look rather dreary. It's very different from the beginning of the school year in the fall.</p>