<p>Thanks, wirefox. Good advice about looking for a school that has “transfer orientation.” He is now at a school 3 hours away from home, and, I’m going to encourage him to look for a school no farther away than that, even though he has not be asking to come home for weekends where he is now. He applied to this school ED, and other that was a backup school EA, although he looked at several other schools. I think he knows much more now what he wants and doesn’t want in a school. He told us yesterday that they had a party in his low-chem dorm Saturday night that broke up about 3 AM Sunday morning. He said there were two gallon bottles of Vodka in the common room trash can the next day. So much for the “low chem” dorm. </p>
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<p>As he is finding, sometimes kids end up in the “low chem” dorm because their parents make them (possibly because they have had past substance abuse issues). Hopefully there are a few kids in his dorm who really aren’t into partying, though. And my D1 didn’t choose sub-free housing when she went to an LAC in the Northeast, but she definitely wasn’t a big party kid. I think she went to a couple in the first month of school to see what it was all about, then stopped going. Maybe your son will meet a few people as the semester goes on who were just checking out the party scene, but are looking for something else to do instead after trying it out. Good luck, just keep supporting him as best you can.</p>
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<p>3 hours away? Go and take him to lunch. I don’t understand the mind set of withdrawing parental contact when the kid leave for college (I know this is common wisdom) – like family support is bad habit which needs to quit cold turkey. If your kid is struggling with reality of collge v. his expectations (dorms, class size, social support) a visit from home (reality check) may help him keep things in prospective. You know your kid and if you want to see him or he want s to see you, then do it. Just might help both of you see things more clearly. Take care. </p>
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<p>Parents weekend starts this coming Friday. I would think this students parents will be going. </p>
<p>Hi emilybee. Yes, you know the school I’m talking about, don’t you? This has hit like a ton of bricks. Never expected DS to be so dissatisfied there. It’s a bummer.</p>
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<p>I read your other posts, and personally, i would encourage you to look for a school with a higher “nerdy / quirky” quotient and to be sure it has a Computer Science major. The school your son is at doesn’t have any sort of CS program, I don’t think (from what I could tell on the website). This would enable him to find more like-minded friends – many academic departments sponsor things outside the classroom. </p>
<p>In the meantime, it also sounds like your son shouldn’t wait around for clubs to call him or to base his life on what clubs are or aren’t offered. Can he plan a video gaming session, and just put up flyers around campus for it? If no one comes, he’s no worse off than he was before, and if a few people come, then maybe he can start to form associations that don’t revolve around alcohol. Has he gone to the Discordians events? </p>
<p>It may well be that there are pockets of people that he can socialize with, but it will take more effort to dig them out. </p>
<p>Sorry this has happened to him and to you!</p>
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<p>I’ve been noticing a theme on these threads that 1) a student wants to leave and 2) he/she is encouraged strongly to stay. For the most part, I agree. But I did want to note that sometimes a kid really would be happier elsewhere…and sometimes kids have this feeling that they’ve made a mistake right away (and they’re right). In our own neighborhood, we have a girl who dropped out of Georgetown after one semester and enrolled at Emory…how she did it, I don’t know…but its been 5 years now (and she’s long graduated, of course) but she said it was the best move she ever made. Not saying that’s the case here…just saying that sometimes, it really is the best move to move. </p>
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<p>Yes, I agree with you. Just trying to get him to stick it out second semester so he has a better chance of transferring.
As others said, we are 3 hours away and will do what we can to support him, even if that means coming home some of the weekends. </p>
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<p>Hi SDonCC. Yes, he has gone to two sessions of the Discordians. The meetings are held on a weekend night from
7-10PM. If you don’t want to go to a party at 10, there is not much else to do other than go back to your dorm. He has tried putting on football games and/or soccer games on the TV in the common room of his dorm. He said a few people showed up to watch that.I am trying to encourage him to go to the interfaith church service on Sunday nights, but he’s not really religious, although I think he would find be likely to find people there who are not interested in drinking and partying all weekend long. I also think part of the problem is that he is a quiet, reserved kid, making meeting people a little harder than usual. </p>
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<p>Sometimes that is the case, but I think in at least an equal or higher number of cases, the kid settles in and stays, and finds their group at the college. I know what college this kid is at… there ARE kids there like him. Too bad they didn’t move into the sub-free dorm. But no kid has met everyone on campus 6 weeks into the school year. Worst case (assuming no true mental health issues are at play), the kid gets a lot of time to study because they aren’t active socially, and has great grades to transfer with. Best case, they find a group of people and end up fairly happy. Transferring is a headache. Students often do not do as well with financial aid, have to start all over again to form friendship groups when everyone else already has theirs, and course sequences can be disrupted. </p>
<p>These are teenagers. A lot of them will throw in the towel when they get discouraged when they could stick it out to something good on the other side. Especially kids without terrific social skills to start with (I have one of each, so know some kids have an easy time fitting in with a new group, and some take a lot longer to find their spot). There are very good reasons to transfer. Family or student illness, financial issues, change of major, academics too easy or too hard at the school. And not fitting in socially can be a good reason, but honestly, 6 weeks just isn’t a long enough time period to know. Support him and encourage him to stick out the year, with transfer as an option in the spring.</p>
<p>OP, one thing my D2 did was attend an optional coursework session offered for a few days before 2nd semester started. There is one killer course that a lot of students fail at her school (required in the core), so they offer a 3 day sort of prep session on campus ahead of time. She went to that and met a few new people she hadn’t known first semester. Obviously this specific thing won’t be going on his campus, but if there is anything like that offered over a long weekend or coming back early from break (retreat, etc.), he should try to do that. Even if no one else he knows is doing it. 
Too bad they don’t have J-term, that would be a good opportunity as well.</p>
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<p>Is he in a freshman only dorm? That’s what it looks like the school’s system is. Frankly, that may add to the sense of isolation – if it were mixed class housing, he might find less of his dorm totally emptying out and / or a more mature set of people living in sub-free (the ones that do it for themselves and not for their parents!).</p>
<p>The other thing for your son to keep in mind is that this early in the school year, it may look like all the other first years are having a great time and making a ton of friends, but the reality is that many of them may actually be feeling lonely and insecure themselves despite outward appearances. </p>
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<p>No, he is in a mixed grade dorm (freshmen on floor 2, sophomores on floors 1 & 3). His floor has coed rooms with about 20 students on the hall. We kind of steered him away from selecting the all freshmen dorms, thinking they might be a little crazier than a mixed grade dorm. </p>
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<p>Labbydog, so sorry to hear things are not improving socially, but kudos to him for doing well in his classes. That says something!
Now, I’m going to ask a question. What other things does your son enjoy besides gaming? You mention he doesn’t want to drink - that’s ok - would he want to go to a party if some people are NOT drinking? How about sports? Is he interested in watching varsity sports or playing intramurals??? What about service groups - volunteering for service groups on campus to help in the university community? You mention he is not religious - that’s ok too - but what I"m asking is WHAT besides gaming does he like??? Is that part of the problem - that he really only likes gaming???</p>
<p>I’ll also be honest and say that while some people judge those who drink, others judge those who spend all their spare time gaming. Probably too much of either is not good. Another interest is probably in order. </p>
<p>It’s easy to get swallowed up in the “woe is me” feeling when freshmen are having trouble. Has he been home at all for a weekend? If not, why not??? There is nothing wrong with a trip home (IMO) every few weeks especially for someone having trouble adjusting ( or for those who are adjusting). Let the time home be rejuvenating not more time to be sad! Don’t wait till Thanksgiving! Going away does not have to mean you can’t come back home! </p>
<p>Mental health should be a number one concern and you should definitely address that with him. Tell him you are concerned if you need to be concerned about that. You say he’s “depressed” - do you mean “depressed” or do you just mean “down” and unsatisfied? There is a difference in terms of level of concern. </p>
<p>Also be aware that while transferring could be the answer, it might not be the answer - and you and he could find yourselves in the same spot. By taking the time to truly figure it out - not make a quick “get out of Dodge” decision, he may truly find a better fit or naturally let nature take it’s course and find that where he is might work out. They almost need to NOT be thinking about how much they “hate it” to start liking it!</p>
<p>Sorry your son is having difficulty. I also think that it is ok for parents to visit and for kid to come home for a weekend. I also think it is ok to visit HS friends at other colleges to see what their lives are like.</p>
<p>I think I know what your son is going through. I did not have a great freshman year myself, and it really took till sophomore year for me to find people that I was friends with for the next 3 years. After that i also met new people each year and added to my friends. My freshman year I did go home once first semester, visited nearby colleges, and my parents visited once. Like your son, I did not really get into the party scene. I eventually got a job in the library and met some friends working there, and I joined the campus group that sponsored lectures and other events on campus and met some friends there. That was a good thing to do since when the activities took place, I always knew the people there (and helped run things too.) I did not find my freshman dorm especially conducive to meeting people, and my classes were large, although I did have some acquaintances there. I considered transferring, but I never did, and never thought of it after first semester freshman year. Lots of people transfered to the college I went to, and I had a few friends my upperclass years who transfered in. I think most people were happy with the change.</p>
<p>I agree with putting up flyers trying to find other gamers. Also if there is a facebook page for the class of 2018(?) for his college, let him post it there. About sports, although I am no athlete, I would encourage him to try something that he could potentially like to meet new folks. I wish I had done that in undergrad. In law school I played women’s basketball (in the sorority league no less) and coed softball (great way to meet people). These were not uber competitive.</p>
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<p>“Since you asked here it is: Do NOT let him take a LEAVE of ABSENCE!”</p>
<p>Wait, why not? I agree that it shouldn’t be a default option, but if he’s truly miserable and nothing he does is improving his life by the end of the semester, I think this is one of a few options that might be on the table. Why is it so unthinkable?</p>
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<p>“Leave of absence” implies that he will return after his “absence” to the same school. If he’s unhappy with no resolution in sight then the goal is transfer. He will have an easier time transferring while currently enrolled in good standing with a solid GPA. </p>
<p>I don’t think coming home for a semester (unless he has a serious depression episode) is a good idea for a kid who’s unhappy and struggling. If he leaves school it should be with a solid purpose, a plan with an achievable end goal. Anything else smells like defeat. Defeat is the last thing a struggling kid needs. </p>
<p>While noone should ever resign themselves to living in a hopeless and miserable situation, I do think that taking some proactive steps (outlined in pervious posts) may help this young man sort out his choices and path to a more positive college experience. </p>
<p>If he is in good standing with a good GPA, whether he takes a leave of absence or not should have no effect on his transfer chances.</p>
<p>“If he leaves school it should be with a solid purpose, a plan with an achievable end goal.”</p>
<p>Even if true, why isn’t this compatible with a leave of absence? Maybe the goal is to figure out what the heck he wants. It’s very hard to do that when you’re miserable. Sometimes it helps to have some breathing room.</p>
<p>“Anything else smells like defeat.”</p>
<p>To whom? I’ve known lots of students who took a break to sort things out and decide what to do next. Maybe it smells like defeat to you or some individual student you know, but I don’t think that’s close to universal.</p>
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<p>OP. good luck with your visit. Remember this is only a blip on the life-long-time-line. try to have some fun and laughs with your son. Take care. </p>
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<p>It may be difficult to transfer after only one semester, since many transfer-friendly schools favor junior level transfers, or at least sophomore level transfers. However, there may be a few schools where the number of credits for one semester may be low enough to allow applying as a frosh rather than transfer.</p>
<p>But if he truly cannot stand his current school and wants to get out as soon as he can, one possibility is to come home and enroll at a community college and plan his transfer to another four year school from there (being enrolled will keep him on track to earning sufficient credits to transfer at the junior or sophomore level).</p>
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