<p>My son is a freshman at a well respected private university. Academics are great and professors have been wonderful. The biggest problem is that he feels so out of place there---says there are 3 groups-rich stuck-up kids, brainy dorks, and athletes. Feels he doesn't fit in any group and the couple friends he made are so unhappy they are transfering. The work load is tremendous (talking 40+ hours/week studying), so not any time to really search out other kids much. He doesn't know whether to stay and be miserable for 3 more years or transfer to a "lesser" school that has a less competitive, friendlier atmosphere, but doesn't carry the prestige for application to grad school. Anybody else been here?</p>
<p>Sorry I don't have any good advice. Just wanted to say OUCH! I'm so sorry that is happening to him and you.</p>
<p>I don't have any personal experience in this area, but three years is an awfully long time to be miserable. I would encourage him to look at other schools and possibly transfer. Prestige or no prestige.</p>
<p>Thanks for feedback. It's hard to advise him as I'm not sure there is a "right" decision and I want it to be his choice. However, the daily phone calls sure keep it foremost in my mind!</p>
<p>I wonder whether he truly has exhausted all possibilities for happiness where he is.</p>
<p>If the academics are "great" and the professors are "wonderful", then there is a basis for staying. It sounds like he will get a better education where he is, as compared to the other school(s) under consideration.</p>
<p>But definitely not for three miserable years. Therefore, my goal (if possible) would be for him to find happiness where he is.</p>
<p>I risk the guess that perhaps the categorization of everyone at a well respected private university into those three stereotypes is a bit oversimplified. I would guess that there are indeed some like-minded people at that school.</p>
<p>I would also guess that, even at 40 hours plus for studying, there still is time during the week to do something besides study. There are, after all, 168 hours in the week. The question is, what to do, how to find those like-minded people?</p>
<p>If it were my child, and if he hasn't already done this, I would encourage him to find some sort of EC(s), even if it's just intramurals, that interest him or he enjoys. I would ask him to try, if necessary, to find a sympathetic person in some sort of student life office to help with that. At that/those EC(s), with an open mind he most likely will find like-minded people. Possibly, just possibly, he can find his social/friendship niche after all while reaping the benefits of the great academics.</p>
<p>I don't know that he would necessarily have to transfer to a "lesser" school to find his niche. Also, perhaps it's his course of study that is causing the academic burden. What is his major?</p>
<p>A large number of kids transfer from what I have heard, no shame in that, especially if his grades are good</p>
<p>Your post is a reminder to try and look for the right fit and not a name</p>
<p>I am not saying that is what your son did, but many kids look to the name and not if it is comfortable</p>
<p>If he is miserable, it will show up in his grades and his love of learning and he may want to quit school before grad school</p>
<p>If he is trying and it is not a great fit, look around, ask around, see where his courses will transfer</p>
<p>Is this school in a small town or large city, subarbs, or urban, greek or not, it sounds clique-ish, are a lot of the students from the same type of schools: ie private prep</p>
<p>Think about those questions when looking at other schools</p>
<p>Sometimes, it is just the wrong place to be and no matter what you do, it aint gonna fit</p>
<p>He sounds like he is trying, and I bet the work wouldnt seem so hard if he had things to look forward to when he does have some free time</p>
<p>So, see what the deadlines are to transfer and do something in the regard over spring break, unless he is gonna do the tacky MTV thing</p>
<p>(that is my fear for my Ds)</p>
<p>Was scrolling down to post a comment, but CGM above said it best. I agree. Absolutely no shame in transfering and I repeat what CGM said about reminding people to look for fit, not prestige.</p>
<p>He did visit the school and thought it was a good fit--guess you don't know until you live there? His major is pre-med, so his classes are heavy on sciences and labs. I do wonder if he has tried everything to be happy, but of course when I throw out things he always has a reason why they don't work, ie evening labs interfere with intramurals, frats drink too much, etc. I am leaning towards asking him to try it one more semester before making decision and see what it is like not a freshman.</p>
<p>Is it a big frat school? My D told me no matter what, she is NOT going to a Greek school</p>
<p>I am sorry its not working out, is he missing his friends at home a lot? </p>
<p>And here is a tough question to ponder- was he a kid in highschool that did a lot with friends and this is a radical change or did he have expectations that college would be different from HS? Think about how he was in highschool and if its something internal or environmental, if you see my question</p>
<p>For instance, if he was a quiet shy kid, he might have thought college would be a fresh start with new smart friends, etc, or if he was mr popular, he might have thought it would just continue into College</p>
<p>Not that that helps, but maybe it would be easier to give "advice" something our kids just love....</p>
<p>good luck</p>
<p>mkm-if he is premed there is a posssiblity that he will be busy anywhere he goes. My friend's daughter enjoyed being a part of the premed club.</p>
<p>Just a thought, on hte one hand transferring is not necessarily bad, but how do we know when to encourage the kids to stick it out and when to move on? My D is in the "ideal" spot on paper, but she really misses her old life. I think a major part of it is the amazing HS where every one knows your name & you & all about you, and cares. Now she is at a large flagship state school and misses her old close relationships, but I am not sure she will find those anywhere else. In other words, no university will compare to her HS and she has to move on and make her own life there (or somewhere) so why transfer with no sure reason to think it will be better elsewhere. She could try to transfer where her friends are...that sounds so lame...and whose to say it will relaly be better? And if it is more expensive, how much is it worth to be comfortable? Sometimes the hard times are what strengthen and build character!</p>
<p>Thoughts any one?</p>
<p>It's not Duke, is it? There've been several Duke freshmen having a bit of trouble adjusting, and your description sounded a bit like Duke, so just wondering. </p>
<p>I've been through EXACTLY the same thing this year, so I definitely know where you (and your son) are coming from. My advice:</p>
<p>1) More ECs- It's difficult at first to try to fit them in, but once you get time management down, it's surprising how much time you have to do stuff. I had a killer first semester load, and organic chem put me into shock. Once I learned to manage my time better, I was able to join a number of activities. :)</p>
<p>2) Give it more time- If your son absolutely does not like his college experience at the end of this year, a number of colleges (Brown, Davidson, etc.) accept transfers for the spring semester.</p>
<p>3) Take a lighter course load- Premed or not, there's no reason to kill yourself doing nothing but work. You only get to go through college once, and taking a lighter course load next semester will enable your son to better explore fun extracurriculars and seek out like-minded peers.</p>
<p>4) Do some soul searching- Would he <em>really</em> be happier elsewhere? The grass is always greener on the other side. Do the advantages of staying outweigh the disadvantages?</p>
<p>5) Be patient- It takes a while to adjust. After all, he's only been there for slightly over a semester, and college is a big change. There's probably many people that share his views if he takes the time to search them out. If he's studying a lot, why doesn't he get a group of friends together to study at the library? Libraries can be surprisingly social places. The same goes for the gym. </p>
<p>Sorry he (and you!) are going through this, and I hope y'all make the right decision! :)</p>
<p>Something else to think about, is PreMed really his thing, from what I have heard, become a doctor is not a vacation...its long long long hours, litle social life, and frustration, but for a great result</p>
<p>And Somemom, your thoughts were along side of mine- what was highschool like and was college supposed to be more of the same or a fresh start? If it is not what was expected, then, you are right, it might not be anywhere, and the student has to adjust expections and find a way to enjoy school</p>
<p>To answer CGM, in high school he was the popular one. you know voted "best overall" in yearbook, captain of sports teams, etc. I think maybe kids always came to him and he never had to seek out friendships like you do in college.</p>
<p>Warbler, its not Duke but is very similar in size and make-up and yes in tuition too! I really hate paying 40,000/year for him to be unhappy. I think your comment about the grass being greener is very true and my fear is that he will transfer and find out it is not greener and that he wishes that he had stayed. He probably will figure out time management better like you did. My older son says "What, you mean you actually read every assignment and supplemental reading?---you gotta learn to skim!" The unhappy one tends to be very anal---everything done just right. Needless to say the grades are good, but the psyche is suffering.</p>
<p>In your original post you mentioned that your son would like a less competitive, friendly environment. If he is pre-med, my guess is that no matter where he goes, he is going to be among some of the most competitive students around. Typically, competitive = not the most friendly.</p>
<p>acinva, how true! My husband is a doctor and we were married while he went through med school. Very high percentage of ____'s. I've tried to point this out to my son, that the sooner he learns to deal with it, the better off he will be.</p>
<p>Your sons HS experience sounds great, and the small fish, big pond thing sounds like what is going on a little bit and it can come as a bit of a shock</p>
<p>kind of like beig able to sprint really well, and suddenlly asked to go long distance</p>
<p>he probably misses his friends and comfort more than he realizes or wants to admit, which is fine</p>
<p>but as someone said, pre=med is what it is....and it ain't gonna get easier, but your son may learn to study more efficiently and settle in</p>
<p>Could have burned himself out in high school. If it becomes really serious, consider time out for a semester or two. Will probably go back better prepared for the battle</p>
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<blockquote> <p>says there are 3 groups-rich stuck-up kids, brainy dorks, and athletes.<<</p> </blockquote>
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<p>Sounds a lot like the kids at every college I've ever known. Some have a few more categories: drunk dopers or maybe crunchy granoloids. What sort of kids is he looking for but not finding?</p>