<p>And that entire rooming situation-ugh! I would get depressed in a dorm with that lighting. And roommates that don't work well- one tiny itti bitti little room - Sillystring had a Lesbian, druguser for a roommate!!!! And sometimes roommate smokes or fighting over bringing a boyfriend in for the night. It's sad when situations can't be worked out.</p>
<p>Looking back five years, I can try to spot some of the problems that freshman have at this time. As another poster said, it is that they are coming home from first semester with grades in... but I think it's more than that.</p>
<p>It's the time when kids are really burnt out after a long pull through finals. Finals in high school were almost down time - two tests per day, then it's done. So much more material and stress in college finals - everyone is wiped out.</p>
<p>It's the time when many kids come home and realize that they are growing apart from their high school friends. They start to feel the differences around Christmas. It's also the time of the relationship graveyard, when the HTH's break up or really see trouble. </p>
<p>It's also weird to be "independent" and then return to the nest. There's a lot of changes that kids go through during their freshman year, and it's a hard adjustment for parents.</p>
<p>The talent of the kids who are on these boards is amazing. Very likely, they've been pushed harder than before and probably feel as if they have little to show for it. At the same time, they have the stress of finding a major. </p>
<p>Four months without friends that knew you growing up. Granted, college bonding can happen quickly - but it's a long time to go without ANYONE who you've shared memories with. From the introvert perspective, it's hard to make friends all over again, and it can be a lonely few months.</p>
<p>There's always the issue of fit. Kids could just wind up on a hall full of people who are nothing like them, who grew up differently, think differently, dress differently, and party differently. Doesn't make for an easy freshman year.</p>
<p>Four months of sharing a room with a stranger who will either be their best friend or their sworn enemy by the end of it. </p>
<p>...and you wonder why 18-year-olds come home bewildered, tired, and cranky?</p>
<p>Years down the road I find my roommate stories amusing, but it wasn't funny at the time! As for the roommate who moved out to share a room with her female lover -- well, it just goes to show that the times were different then. I had no idea she was gay (and neither did anyone else on our hall) until after she moved out and she and her new roommate pushed their twin beds together to make them into a king. Today, it would be no big deal at all, but I went to college back in the dark ages and their open relationship was somewhat unusual. Well, maybe not really unusual -- they were just more open than a lot of women would have been at the time.</p>
<p>Any tips or hints to make the transition smoother???..for example, keep the student's bedroom the same or remodel so he knows its time to make a life for himself??</p>
<p>I kept my daughters bedroom the same ( well I did kinda move in for an office but it was easily moved out)This time reminds me of when they were toddlers. At the park, they wanted me to sit in one place so they could run off but have a stable place to come back to, if I moved , they had to spend time finding me before they could move on.I think teens are the same way, it could be disorienting if their room disappears as soon as they leave the house.</p>
<p>I think getting involved with an extracurricular that the student really enjoys is key. The kids I know who decided to "wait until they got settled before they signed up for anything" never did get settled.</p>
<p>My d also requested four or more roommates. This increased the odds that she would really connect with one or more of them.</p>
<p>Is there any correlation between students having adjustment problems and parents having adjustment problems to "losing" their kids?</p>
<p>I'm not suggesting it is so, just asking. I'm one of those parents for whom the sun more or less rises and sets with my kids, and the niggling doubts about S going far away to school are blooming into the occasional tearful moment now that it is a certainty. Do kids adjust better when their parents have a grip or are their issues independent of ours?</p>
<p>Having had both kinds of kids now, one who had terrible adjustment problems, and one who seems to be sailing through fine, I can say that it doesn't seem to be the parenting style, at least in our case. I definitely did not have problems letting go (having had my kids young, I'm okay about the empty nest, if it ever happens:) ). I would trace the difference to two things: 1) different personalities--my D always had more trouble with change than my S, though she seems to have outgrown that now, and 2) good school fit--my D was just plain at the wrong school for her, while S hit the "good fit" jackpot.</p>
<p>Joining a group is so important. That's why I strongly encouraged my D to check out LACs. Where is it easier to join a choir or a team, when you compete against 20,000 for a spot or 1,200?</p>
<p>She has loved HS mostly because of her EC involvements (athletics = instant friends when you spend 20 hrs a week together and have a good team spirit.)</p>
<p>My parents were borderline neglectful in some respects so I was very accustomed to fending for myself prior to college. I also was at least one year past "sick of it" about my small town, the HS mentality, etc. So I experienced college as a massive relief and joy. </p>
<p>I think maybe this adjustment can be easier for kids who were fish out of water in HS, like I was (as a nerd.)</p>
<p>I don't know if this helped, but from the time my son was in middle school and spending a few weeks away summers at a camp, I made sure there was some physical change in the home. It might have been repainting a room, or replacing a kitchen appliance, moving furniture, - it didn't really matter what. I wanted him to have a little "surprise" when he came home - something that he would notice had changed while he was gone. It was obvious to us all that he grew (in many ways) while he was away, but I wanted to subtley let him know that ALL things change - including his parents and sister - and that change can be exciting and good. On the other hand, he's in his second year of college and his room is still his room. It's used as a guest room while he's away, but until he gets an apartment somewhere he has a space with us. After a couple of away times, he would look for changes when he got home. I have done this as much to remind myself as for him. It's a funny little 'ritual' but I never want to hear from my kids that I didn't tell them life is change. I also want them to know that their parents can get along without them, in fact, maybe we can be a little mysterious, and that we should embrace change at all times in our lives. It's inevitable so enjoy it.</p>
<p>Oh dear Frazzledad I would not change my kids rooms during their Freshman year! No, I'd wait until there are true signs of maturity.But I have given the rooms a good cleaning.Now why is there a trail of ants from the window to the closet...hum...a bag of candy in here, surprise!!Hum........now why is there a tree branch in this closet? While it appears many parents on C.C. do want their children to become independent, I have known parents who do everything they can to keep their children at home. Sometimes this is due to financial problems the parent many encounter, layoffs, sickness. Sometimes a parent is widowed and just won't move on. I have to hand it to parents who envcourage their children's indendence. (like myself.)</p>
<p>I wholeheartedly agree that getting involved with an interest group is critical to a positive adjustment, even if a student eventually tires of that group but has gained confidence to find another. Could be greek, academic, athletic, extracurricular, whatever.</p>
<p>SBMom, I agree that LAC's may make it easier to be a joiner. My Frosh D at LAC was drawn into several activities and organizations from day one, but did not participate in the sport she had played for many years. It was her decision to not play the recruitment card - she wanted the time to try new things. Her roommate played soccer during the fall and my D realized that she missed being on a team. She turned out for a different varsity sport that competes in the winter and spring (one that she has no experience in whatsoever) and was immediately encouraged to practice and participate. This sport has a no-cut policy and there are several girls participating who are in the same boat. Never imagined that she would be able to do this.</p>
<p>Hey BHG, why <em>is</em> there a tree branch in his closet?!</p>
<p>SB I have NO idea. Maybe he was sketching it for art class?</p>
<p>In order to feel successful and happy in the first semester away at college, a student needs modest success in two areas--friendship and academics. Many of the hard-luck stories currently posted center on a lack of friendships. So, there is one thing incoming families can do, they can build up the child's ability to make friends in new situations.</p>
<p>Also, this is where that mythical 'fit' comes in. My best friend has a theory that the more the child 'loves' the school, the more they will endeavor to be successful in order to stay at that school.</p>
<p>For this reason, we tossed our disorganized son into a large university in a huge city. Sure enough, he loves the other students, (especially one cute girl :)). And he loves the city. Those good feelings have rolled over to a fondness for a couple of classes and professors and a keen interest in a few new subjects.</p>
<p>If he can keep his head above water while he sorts through time-management and self-discipline issues, it'll all be good!</p>
<p>Cheers, I think you've hit the nail on the head about kids needing moderate success in two areas - academics and friendships. Great way of putting it.</p>
<p>I think Barrons also hit on something - kids who have had parents picking up the pieces for them may also fall apart when they suddenly have to take care of things on their own. For this reason, I've been making a conscious effort to push my daughter out of the nest a bit while she is still home. I have backed away from doing things for her that I used to do as a matter of course, such as reminding her about homework, rescuing her by bringing forgotten homework or lunch to school, scheduling appointments, etc. She is struggling a bit with this greater independence from Mom, but hopefully by the time she graduates from high school next year she will be more independent and self-confident about her ability to take care of herself.</p>
<p>Carolyn,</p>
<p>My daughter went to register for a couple of community college courses the other day. First she stood in the wrong line for a while, then she got in the right line, got to the front of that line and realized she had forgotten her driver's license in the car, went to the car and got back in line, got up to the front of the line and realized she didn't have any cash on her, left the line and went back down to the car, got the money and went back up and finally finished registering! Never mind that I had reminded her in the morning to take her I.D. and cash with her :) She called me on the final trip down to the car and told me she felt lost without having me there telling her exactly what to do, but hey, even though it took her a few trips, she did manage to register!</p>
<p>I expected both of my kids to have trouble adjusting to college. Both are on the self-conscious, shy side. But neither did, and here's my theory why:</p>
<p>Older D chose a LAC that is isolated and nurturing (Grinnell). Even the shyest kids are thrust into activities and groups. I was a little concerned when my younger S was looking at larger schools, but he is one of those students defined by Pyewacket as "ambitious, intellectually independent hard workers who are really inspired by their profs" etc., etc. He doesn't have a big social life, for sure, and not the kind of nurturing the LAC gave our daughter. I regret that, but he doesn't seem to miss that too much because of the day-to-day intensity of his studies. </p>
<p>Shy kids need to go to more nurturing schools, I think, or else need to be alerted to the idea that they'll have to make an effort at first to be a joiner and to be friendly, even if it seems false.</p>
<p>Let's define shy.</p>
<p>For instance, my older S is a reserved introvert--but he's always had a big group of friends, one best friend (usually the funny life-of-the-party guy) and (often) a girlfriend. Somehow he developed friend-making strategies that help him connect with the extroverts--or social 'engines' as someone put it on another thread. </p>
<p>Smaller LACs might be the ticket for shy introverts who do NOT have an extended group of friends in high school. But again, the fit is important, don't you think?</p>
<p>Momofonly - Had a good chuckle over that story --- I have seen my daughter go through similar things. I always marvel at how Cheers son managed to make his way around the world during the gap year - my daughter would probably call from our airport to say she'd left her tickets at home. But she is getting better since I instituted :operation independence: and it's good to see.</p>