<p>i'm having a really tough time adjusting to college. in fact this year has just reaffirmed all the fears i ever had about attending college:</p>
<p>1) I can't function without my family
2) I really don't know how to make friends ( what I mean is, I had great friends in high school, and I will never have that again)
3) I'm just not ready for college</p>
<p>I'm afraid that I am just not a fun person. This experience is really making me doubt myself. </p>
<p>Why have all my friend from home been able to adjust to college while I am simply waiting for vacations? This is not the way I want to live, yet I can't help wondering if high school was the best time of my life, and everything is just going to go downhill from here.</p>
<p>I have been considering transferring coser to home, but my fear is that I am the problem, not this specific school. Is it possible to just not be cut out for college?</p>
<p>Sorry the pos is so long. Any advice would be appreciated</p>
<p>Many people go through this when they first get to college. It is even more likely if you have not spent much time away from home. Give it time. Also, please go see the counselling office at your school. They expect to hear adjustment problems from a large percentage of the freshman class. It is just barely possible that you are at the wrong college, but it is far more likely that you have to get used to being more on your own in a new environment. </p>
<p>"not cut out for college"? Highly unlikely. Use the support structure on campus, talk with your parents, and remember, your doubts make you a typical college student.</p>
<p>You don't give many details, so I'll have to guess a little bit about your situation. Many of the college students I know have had trouble with the drinking/drugs/party thing until they have found their compatible group of friends. One suggestion I'd offer is to look at the student activities that I'm sure your college has. Each school is different, but most of the 20 we visited had outing clubs for outdoorsy activities and lots of other clubs that are free and open to anyone. Grinnell has a "Chips and Dips Club" (self-explanatory), Macalester has "Mac Soup", a Friday night activity where anyone who feels like it gets together and makes soup and serves it to whoever shows up. Some schools have board game nights, most have movie nights and all of them have community service organizations.</p>
<p>It's much easier to meet like-minded people doing activities like this rather than at loud drunken parties and you will actually remember the kids you meet the next day!</p>
<p>I second the idea of checking out the counseling center also. That's never a bad idea and even a session or two can be reassuring. It takes awhile to make close friendships. Your HS ones didn't happen overnight either.</p>
<p>You sound like a normal teenager who is adjusting to a whole lot of changes at once. The school might not be the right match for you, but it's hard to tell at this early date. Again, a few sessions with a counselor would probably help you get some perspective.</p>
<p>Remember that lots of other students there are having similar feelings, though they may not admit it, even to themselves. The wild partying of some freshmen can be a way of covering up feelings of discomfort.</p>
<p>Yes, the friend situation IS different, and I totally understand how important this is to you and others your age. I have three children, and one is in college right now.</p>
<p>Keep in touch with all your old friends, whether it be through telephone calls, or Myspace.com. What has worked out great for me is instant messaging. I started doing this when my daughter first started at her new school. For us, this works so much better than the phone. You need to be able to share what you're feeling with them. Also, please don't underestimate your parents. Well, now, I don't know them, but most parents would care very much about how you're feeling and offer you some advice.</p>
<p>Find out if there are any clubs that you might enjoy and JOIN. This is a great way to develop new relationships.</p>
<p>You CAN and you WILL function without your family there. Because you have to!</p>
<p>Honey,my D is going thru the same thing that you are. She also is having a very hard time dealing with being in a new environment, away from friends and family.</p>
<p>It's a big transition and I know my D has a hard time dealing with change, so it might take her longer to get used to this new environment. Maybe you are also struggling with change.</p>
<p>I think this is very common, some kids are just better at hiding their feelings or they throw themselves into partying as a way to feel comfortable with new "friends". Keep yourself busy and involved and you will graduually feel more comfortable at school.</p>
<p>I think taking advantage to your school's councelling sevices is a good idea. I know my D resisited this, she felt she didn't want to share with a stranger and she also was unsure of what to say to the therapist. I suggested that she write down some thoughts/problems and show them to the therapist as a jumping off spot.
Maybe you could print out this thread and show it to a councellor if you think that would help express you're feelings.</p>
<p>Please keep us updated. Many people on this site have had kids struggling with the same issues that you are. You are not the only kid to struggle with these issues.</p>
<p>I also had a hard time adjusting to college. I loved my high school friends and really mourned the fact that my life had changed. I also recall thinking that I wasn't a "fun" person. Freshman year it seemed like everything was about having the most fun at the wildest party. Not my scene at all.</p>
<p>I did hang in there and eventually found things I liked about college. Seek that activity or class that really turns you on. Try to find one friend whom you can talk with about what you're feeling (because it isn't unusual). Consider the counseling office. Don't labor under the expectation that "college years are the best of your life," as I did, because that isn't true for many, many people.</p>
<p>1) know that what you are going thru is not unusual. there is so much hype about how wonderful college life is going to be, but the truth is that it is a huge adjustment. don't feel that it is "wrong" to feel the way you do. </p>
<p>2) as others have said -- get in touch with your school's counseling office. this is the type of thing they are there to help with. and hopefully, because it is not an uncommon problem, they will have experience with helping students like you.</p>
<p>3) there is no one right course of action for you to take to address your current situation -- some kids slog thru and end up really happy at their college, some transfer to find happiness, some take a break. counseling may help you figure out what is right for you.</p>
<p>don't compare yourself to your friends or others at your college -- everyone reacts to things differently. you may just need help sorting through what your path is going to be.</p>
<p>i actually have been going to the counseling service, and i agree that it is a good way to sort thru problems. i ve been going for a little over a moth now, but i dont feel like i am getting better. change is a huge issue for me, which is definitely exacerbating the situation.</p>
<p>i cant help feeling like i just want to go home, but i know that things arent the same there anymore either.</p>
<p>JG88, I'm glad you're seeing someone in counceling; talk therapy can be slow in the beginning but it should help you sort through your feelings. Hang in there are keep talking because a good therapist should help you learn ways to cope with change; if you find you don't click with your therapist than you can ask for a different one. Therapists have different styles and personalities and you will do best with someone you are comfortable with.</p>
<p>My D is struggling with some of this also and I know how painful this is for you. </p>
<p>You should try not to compare yourself with your friends because everyone adjusts to change at their own pace. You might be right and your friends may be enjoying college more than you are at this time, but there is also the possibility that some of them may be struggling more than they are letting on.</p>
<p>It may be hard for you to believe at this point, but things will work out for you but it takes time. You are in the middle of the biggest transition that you have to deal with. It is normal to feel the way that you do because you are experiencing the loss of your old, comfortable life. Of course this will be very hard, especially if you don't deal with change easily.</p>
<p>Although it may be hard for you to believe, you will eventually become comfortable with your life at college. You may come to really like your school or you may decide that transferring makes more sense but I think it's still too early to decide.<br>
You are still getting used to seperating from your family and your high school frends. Although it probably feels like you've been in school a long time, 2 or 3 months is not enough time for all kids to settle into college life.</p>
<p>"i cant help feeling like i just want to go home, but i know that things arent the same there anymore either."</p>
<p>I think that it is a very common instinct to try and run to escape a painful situation. People are programmed that way as a leftover survival instinct.
It is very hard to stay in what is a painful situation when you're instinct is telling you to run home to safety.
It is also unsettling to realize that home is a bit different too. I'm sure your parents are still the same but I'm guessing most of your hs friends are no longer home. </p>
<p>My D is a bit upset by some ofthese same things and I told her that I believe that this is porobably the hardest part of transitioning to college. Your comfortable HS life is over but you are still finding your niche in college.<br>
Perhaps you can sort through these feelings with your councelor.</p>
<p>
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because that isn't true for many, many people.
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</p>
<p>This is what I've been trying to tell my son. Unfortunately, the only people they hear about are the ones who love it. He is in soph. year and still no happier (has better days at times). Like Jerseygirl, he hesitates to transfer as maybe the issue is him.</p>
<p>I have told him and will share with you, Jerseygirl, that I have talked to many other parents who tell me that their children didn't like their college years sometimes until junior or senior years. And some of the ones who were "loving" it, loved it too much and didn't even make it academically until their junior years.</p>
<p>I haven't found any easy answers, I keep telling him to "go with his gut"---but his gut doesn't give him a solution that he feels 100% positive about.</p>
<p>
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This experience is really making me doubt myself
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</p>
<p>He has also expressed this feeling. He is doubting his "personality", his academic abilities, his decision-making abilities and yes, sometimes his sanity. He honestly believes that no one else is dealing with the same frustrations--no matter how many times I tell him otherwise (he says after all what else is a mother going to say?).</p>
<p>I know it doesn't really help you or him, nor did it help me in difficult times of my youth--but what my father used to tell me is true--"This too shall pass".</p>
<p>Wish you all the best and hope that something happens soon to help you feel that things are turning around.</p>
<p>Jerseygirl88, thing is- it is YOUR life now, whatever choices you make you have to live with. All your parents can do is to pay for your stuff, they can not solve your problems anymore.
You do not like how you living now? Change it. Do not have friends as good as you had in HS? Get out the door and meet people, remember , of course, that making good friends takes time and effort. Stop by any club that strikes your fancy and see if that is something you might be interested in...
how you going to spend your college years is up to you now...</p>
<p>It may not have seemed like it at the time, but those really good friendships from home probably developed over a pretty long period of time.</p>
<p>The people around you who seem to have "really good" new friends at college-- well, they don't. These are new friends and acquaintances in whom people are investing all sorts of hopes. Some will mature into lasting friendships; some won't.</p>
<p>Please cut yourself some slack. It my not be that you're "not a fun person," but that you are comparing pretty frivolous interactions with more meaningful ones you've had. </p>
<p>All this takes time. And, as you learn to make your way in this new environment, you'll be learning. And, the next time you meet such a challenge (and there will be a next time), it will be a little easier and you'll be better at it.</p>
<p>I think that you are being more honest with yourself than some other people you know. Not a bad thing at all. This is hard. OK. But hard isn't always bad, it's just hard. Keep up with the counseling, and if you really feel that you're not making progress, change counselors.</p>
<p>jerseygirl88, I can imagine what you must be going through. I lived in 5 countries as a teenager (from 14 to 17 - nope, not military, family business), always living out of a suitcase, having to learn new languages and customs of the area. I often felt like an outsider. I had been friends with "my gang" for 8 years, I didn't know HOW to make friends. I didn't know what it meant to just "be myself." It was the beginning of growing up and finding out who I was, and what made me tick. It was a long process, which even now (at almost 50) I STILL reckon with. It doesn't happen overnight, nor do deep friendships. In high school you're all from the same basic area (town, city, village, whatever). In college you have everyone from somewhere different. It takes time to find a common denominator. </p>
<p>I'm more interested to hear how you're doing in your classes, and if they excite you and inspire you. If not then maybe it could be time to explore other options; possible transfer, or even a semester leave to rethink the entire thing. Maybe see what it would be like if you did "go back home." </p>
<p>I personally still think it's very early in the school-year to make those bonds we all crave, and would offer this...look at the start of your spring term as a new beginning. If you didn't get involved in clubs when school started then act like you've just started (in January) and get involved. Because there will likely be some spring admits, try to find them and offer to show them around. Hey, you already know all the ins and outs of the campus, so share what you know with a newby. You can be some new kid's helpmate. By the way, I was a spring admit (1977) and was delighted when 2 girls took me under their wing, showed me the ropes at the cafeteria, where the laundryroom was, and the best route to the grocery store and bank. They even introduced me to other "friends" (acquaintences really) they knew on campus. They were so good to me, and made my experience coming "in the middle" of the school year so much easier. </p>
<p>It's said if you give away what you're missing you'll get it back ten fold. Try it.</p>
<p>And stay in touch, I know I care (and I'd say everyone who responded, and even some who didn't) care too.</p>
<p>My D came home for fall break in mid-October. The first couple days were great and then as the time to go back got closer she got more and more depressed and finally let it all out-lonely, academics not what I thought, not many friends, homesick, miss all the great things at home. All of her friends that were home at the same time seemed to love school which made her feel even worse. It was really hard to put her back on the plane to go back. Somehow it didn't seem quite as bad once she unloaded all the angst and returned. Is it better? Yes. I hope things bottomed out but she could hit another rough patch. </p>
<p>How many adults have said "I wish I could go back to college?" You're probably wondering-this is as good as it gets? Something must be wrong with me. My goodness, you obviously love your family and miss them-that is a healthy reaction. I thought I would die from homesickness my first semester. You spent a couple of years selecting this college and talking about it so it had to be great right? No one knows exactly what a new life situation entails, good or bad, and usually your experience has elements of both. </p>
<p>Look at all the things you have already accomplished-one, you left home and are still plugging away, two, you've asked for help, three, you know what's bothering you, and four, you're willing to work at this. Congratulate yourself. It may not seem like much now because you're unhappy. You took a chance and went away to college-huge. Something didn't work like you wanted so you asked for help-I still have trouble with that. Now you're working on how to make things better for yourself. Whatever decisions you make from now on will have a maturity and self-knowledge that you didn't have before. </p>
<p>All of us have walked in your shoes. My father still laughs about spring break my first year when I said, "Oh I can't believe I have only three more years of college," when I was so miserable earlier in the year.</p>
<p>If you have difficulty making transitions, that may be all the more reason to keep at this one. If you continue to put one foot in front of the other until you have gotten yourself sorted, your next big transition (job in a new city, marriage, baby (a biggie), new house) might be just that tiniest bit easier.</p>
<p>In my opinion, you have 'culture shock'. I had a terrible case of it when I moved to Asia. I spent two years whinging about the place and the people and I begged my bosses to let me go home early. When I got back to New York, I had to laugh at myself. I gave up the dream life for same ole, same ole. I let my visceral reaction to displacement overcome my actual experience.</p>
<p>The next time I moved overseas, I knew what to expect. As soon as I felt irritated by the new place or my place in it--I put those thoughts into the 'Culture Shcok' basket in my brain. Not real emotions--just 'Culture Shock' reactions to my displacement--and I made the transition in far less time.</p>
<p>virginiamom, you are exactly right. everyone keeps saying college is the best 4 years of your life. i'm so afraid that I peaked in high school and everything is downhill from here. also, its hard to talk to my friends and here about the fantastic time they are having, while i am just praying for vacations to come.</p>
<p>i just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who posted. its really nice to hear i am not the only one having this really tough transition. thank you so much for taking the time to post. its really comforting to read about other people's experiences.</p>
<p>thank you so much! and, anymore advice would be greatly appreciated.</p>
<p>You are going through something very common, but something lots of kids don't talk about. Instead of talking about it, they act out with drugs, alcohol, sleeping etc, and often shows up as doing poorly in school. </p>
<p>In your situation you are looking at things realistically and with a great deal of maturity. You are feeling what most of us feel when we are removed from our comfort zone. I am way (way) grown up, and sometimes I find myself in a new job, or even at a party, when I am thinking, "I don't know anyone, I don't fit here well--I want to go home!" </p>
<p>From my experience it is helpful to do something out of your comfort zone, like talking to someone in front of you in line, smiling at someone who seems receptive, joining something like athletics or other interests really really makes steps forward. Getting involved with volunteer work, helping others, can also put things into perspective and help you meet some very cool like-minded types of kids.</p>
<p>The important thing to realize is that you are going through something normal. Some kids adjust faster, that is true, but almost everyone, (even if they look and sound soo adjusted), are having many of the same thoughts and concerns you have. You are just honest, and that is very mature.</p>
<p>See if just getting through each day doing something one tiny bit out of your zone helps. It sort of builds a road out of the way you have done everything before. Believe it or not transition and the sort of growth you are going through is a good thing--particularly when you get to the other side and can look back. From what you have said I bet things will sort out very quickly. (The darkest hour is just before dawn)</p>