<p>I don’t think New College or Macaulay are sacrifices. They are excellent schools.</p>
<p>I really think you need to get over expecting or hoping your MIL to pay anything. She may have made promises thinking that the college landscape is the same as it was years ago. Have you considered the possibility that your MIL cannot afford to give the help she thought she could, and is looking for a graceful way to exit? Leave it alone and assume that you and your H will be the ones to bear all college costs.</p>
<p>I also admire you for your good planning, ensuring that your son has affordable and worthwhile options. I do think the Macaulay deal sounds terrific. With four kids, you have to think long-term about how you are going to get them all educated. Don’t feel sorry for your son; he’s got good choices.</p>
<p>zoosermom - He’s an introverted but independent kind-of person. As an example, he was homeschooled during his middle school years and started taking classes at a local community college when he was 12. It was the strangest feeling to drop him off at a college and drive away when he was so young! He took classes there for two years and did very well all on his own, even ending up taking the public bus home after his classes. And now, he gets himself up every morning, makes himself breakfast, walks nearly 3 miles to school (his choice), and gets there on time. (I’m always so surprised when someone mentions in conversation that s/he gets a highschooler up for school every morning.) He’s learned how to work with his introverted tendencies and do what needs to be done to take care of himself. With the kids, I have a habit of shrugging and saying “sometimes you just have to buck up and do what needs to be done”. I think he actually listened.</p>
<p>Fosterte, it sounds like the Macaulay people had a perfect understanding of the right kids for their program and your son is it. Not only is this a great financial opportunity, but it sounds tailor made for your son.</p>
<p>Many of the other schools on your son’s list are in somewhat remote locations where the life outside the classroom is limited to what is happening on campus. That may be less satisfying than an urban environment where he could choose from socializing with others or partaking of the variety of cultural, educational, and entertainment experiences available to him. As someone who already knows how to get himself around on public transportation, he could really take advantage of city life.</p>
<p>A generous scholarship also puts him in a position to take advantage of other opportunities he might not be able to if money were tight. Spring break service trip? Unpaid summer internship? Travel with a team or performing arts group? Could he do these things if you were stretching to afford tuition?</p>
<p>OP,
Take the fantastic offer from Macaulay and rejoice! Based on the maturity and independence your DS has displayed for so many years, he will blossom in NYC! And will enjoy the cohort of equally exceptional peers in the Macaulay program.
And you don’t have to depend on your undependable MIL to pay for his college education!
What’s not to like?</p>
<p>I’ve found that when my parents and their friends make comments on some colleges, they base them on how they perceived them in their days. College costs, admissions, and academics have changed dramatically since then, and even more so recently. Unless they’ve been involved in the process for the last few years, they may not be aware of how it is now. I respect them and their opinions, but since we are paying for college, I focus on what is the best choice for us and our children. If grandparents want to help- they can offer some “extras” like a trip, goody care packages, or school and dorm supplies. That can be a big help.</p>
<p>zoosermom, DeskPotato, and menolparkmom - Thank you! Those are the exact things I’ve been thinking but I didn’t know if I was seeing the Macaulay opportunity clearly or through rose-colored glasses. (Unfortunately, I babbled too much and I think some interpreted the glasses to be associated with money from MIL when I was really wondering if I was wearing them while looking at Macaulay.)</p>
<p>I’ve also thought about the fact that if money is tight, there probably wouldn’t be any of those extras for him (service trips, unpaid internships in his field of study, etc.). If that’s the way it is, I’m sure it would be fine BUT if he could have those things while attending Macaulay, then why not let him have them? </p>
<p>I’ve totally realized that not having any dependence on this for back-and-forth MIL (much as I truly do love her, by the way) is so much safer for S and so much better for my mental (and physical) well-being, and this Macaulay acceptance seemed to come at too perfect of a time to be true. Because I’ve been so stressed and overwhelmed about the sudden uncertainty we’re dealing with, I didn’t know if I was thinking clearly about what I was deeming the remarkable opportunity placed before us.</p>
<p>Yes, Pennylane, I agree with you. And if they end up helping out with those “extras”, it will still be a big plus. :)))</p>
<p>Just my two cents, as another mom of a boy (though mine is a freshman in college this year). </p>
<p>Sounds like the CUNY Honors program would be fantastic for your son – it is a special program, and he sounds like someone who can adapt and thrive in such an environment. As a musician, being in the city, with the opportunity to drop in all kinds of small events, would be incredible. Bennington, Bard, etc are very different places – largely self-contained environments. He sounds like he has really thrived being independent over the past several years. </p>
<p>To be in the city, more or less debt free, for a musician! Imagine being 22, graduated from school, and not held down by student loan obligations – he could continue to work on his music, take odd jobs that allow him to play music, without worrying about the monthly student loan payments. I think it is an absolutely wonderful opportunity, and you are not looking through rose-colored glasses at all! Good luck to you and your son.</p>
<p>OP … what menloparkmom said … only LOUDER!</p>
<p>I live in NYC and the way I see Macaulay is as a very adult academic buffet. The student gets a metro card and a culture pass and can fill his plate exactly as he chooses. Especially for a musician, you can’t beat that with a stick. You might even be able to seek out other musical opportunities for him since he won’t have to commute to NYC and you might have some spare cash. I don’t even know your son, but my son is a musician and I am very excited for your son.</p>
<p>What are his thoughts?</p>
<p>It sounds like you have THREE other children to put through college. Don’t jeopardize their chances by overextending yourself with the first. (Plus, if the first one goes to fancy-pants-private, the others will think it’s their ‘right’ to aspire to such places too.)</p>
<p>Sounds like your husband is still reluctant to put mom’s feet to the fire. If it were my mom and I was in the same boat, I’d not leave the conversation without knowing EXACTLY what she’s signing up for. How they heck does that happen anyway?</p>
<p>It’s not like he’s got to make some grand confrontation. I’d just go up to my mom and say “Hey mom, you’ve been telling us you’ll pay [fill in the promise] and [son’s name] was accepted at [school name]. The tuition is [dollar amount]. How do you want to do this? Lump sum? Have the bills sent directly? By the way, [son’s name] is incredibly excited and loves you so much for doing this.”</p>
<p>If anything other than “lump sum” or “put my address on the bills” is said, there had better be a damned good reason… like losing all her money in the market or being diagnosed with a disease whose medications cost six figures.</p>
<p>Buying a rental? Sounds like a control issue on the part of your MIL. I don’t know where you live, but that’s not a great option any more in the metroNY area. I was a landlord on Long Island for many years… from about 1980 to 2007. It sucks. I got out.</p>
<p>Here’s the deal…
Back in the day, you could get great tenants that took care of the place and had good jobs. Then mortgages were as easy to find as dandelions in front of the high school. BTW, there are more dandelions on the front lawn of the high school then I have ever seen in any other place!!! So many that I swear it can’t be happening naturally!! …but I digress. </p>
<p>All the great tenants got homes of their own. The only people left to rent were the losers who couldn’t even qualify for the same loan a McDonalds hamburger flipper could. It was awful!!! I sold at the peak of the market, not because I was somehow smart enough to time the peak of the market, but because my tenant troubles became so incredibly unbearable, I NEEDED OUT!!!</p>
<p>It takes a certain mentality to be a landlord. I am too nice a guy (yeah, yeah, hard to tell that from my posts). You give some people an inch and they take a mile. I didn’t have the stomach for what needed to be done. I’m not the kind of guy to evict a family. So for this one thing I can side with your husband… not wanting to be a landlord. </p>
<p>I imagine the situation hasn’t changed much since 2007, even with the banking/mortgage/economy debacle. IMHO, most of the good tenants found homes before the crash and left a vacuum of good tenants for years to come.</p>
<p>I’m starting to side with people saying forget the MIL’s promise. Personally, if it were my mother, she’d pay. Either the money she promised my kid or the pain of having her grandchildren know exactly what she did. Nobody does that to my kid and gets to walk away without discomfort… nobody.</p>
<p>My mom did the same thing – said she’d pay for college and left us with the expense. My H’s business failed at the same time. It was an awful, hairy time, but it worked out.</p>
<p>I would have him do an overnight at New Paltz and spend at day at MacCauley taking class if New College seems far.</p>
<p>I very much doubt that significant funds will be forthcoming.</p>
<p>DD went to college in NYC and it was life changing for her.</p>
<p>We also live close enough for day trips and enjoyed taking her out for a meal once a month.</p>
<p>People who say this program isn’t rigorous or prestigious, don’t know enough about it.</p>
<p>Your S can pick between the financially doable options. You don’t need to be the one to make the decision.</p>
<p>I don’t understand what makes some grandparents make these promises and renege on them, but you have my sympathies.</p>
<p>Oops. Sorry I mangled the spelling of Macaulay.</p>
<p>I think you need to pay Macaulay a visit where your son gets a good look at it (not just a 20 minute interview) and can decide if he sees himself there and content. For a kid who likes an urban environment, 4 years in NYC would be wonderful, and this is a time when he’ll be able to afford it (or at least live the starving student NYC existence when he IS a student). If he’s not a kid who will thrive in the city, it’s probably a poor choice and maybe he needs to head to Sarasota - New College being another nice choice. Either of those choices will give him a great educational experience. And New Paltz would be fine, too. He needs to choose from the affordable options, and if it’s laid out for him, he’ll be able to do that.</p>
<p>As for grandma, I would not rely on her assistance. If your H is comfortable doing so, he could have a heart to heart with her and tell her that she’s certainly not obligated to help, but unless she’s prepared to put the money she’s willing to spend in an account for your son so that everyone knows how much it is and that it’s available, you’re going to make all decisions assuming there will be no help from her.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>People make well-meaning promises out of ignorance. If someone of a certain generation hasn’t looked at college tuition for 20 years or more, that person can be forgiven for sticker shock. How many parents (not even grandparents) come on here and complain that they can’t pay for what they thought they could? Why should the MIL be expected to more knowledgeable and up to date on college costs than her own adult children are? At any rate, it looks like the OP’s son is going to be fine regardless.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t count on the grandparents to pay for school. I would narrow down school choices based on what the parents and the contributing child could afford. Then, if it was my parents who had offered to cover all expenses for the first two, I would tell them that we’ve decided to budget out for all four children, and if they would like to give each child a gift towards college tuition as a graduation present, it would be appreciated. Otherwise, c’est la vie.</p>
<p>I did not “penalize” my mom for this behavior, but she said this for ten years so I was not as active in saving as I should have been. She is quite well off, and certainly should not have made a promise without looking at figures. She’s savvy and manages every penny of her money. I stand by promises. </p>
<p>When I asked her about it she said she thought she’d be dead by then. This was a ridiculous face saving lie because her parents lived until 90 and 100.</p>
<p>Oh well, water under the bridge. With belt tightening and two jobs, I got mine through.</p>
<p>I don’t have the anger expressed in one post, but I don’t think those who make promises and let down folks they’ve influenced should get a free pass either.</p>
<p>And the OP’s so. May not feel just fine when his options are limited and his life doesn’t look the way he thought it might. I’m not saying he won’t be fine or that it’s not a learning experience; I’m just saying that grandma’s actions may cause emotional pain</p>