<p>Situations like this reinforce my belief that it’s a good idea to never promise your adult children or grandchildren any future financial help. That way, they won’t make plans based upon what might not come to pass. If it turns out you can help them, it’s gravy.</p>
<p>I see your point, but I have made promises that were difficult to keep, and I have worked extremely hard to keep them, and I have. Without the promises I would not have manifested as much as I did, so I feel a bit differently.</p>
<p>I think it’s safe to assume, since the MIL’s promise was believed by her son and daughter in-law, that this MIL is wealthy and can easily afford what she promised. The OP seems rational, educated and well spoken. This is the situation she seems to be describing.</p>
<p>The only alternative is to think the OP and her husband are irresponsible and would believe an older woman without means will spend the only funds she has to survive on her grandchildren’s education. The OP does not present herself or her story in this manner, so why would any of you assume this? </p>
<p>To me, this is a case of a wealthy grandmother promising financial aid to her grandchildren, duping her own child to make financial decisions based on what he thinks is a very viable promise, then reneging out of greed… not wanting to part with her precious “30 pieces of silver.”</p>
<p>This is a despicable act. It is not the act of a loving grandmother. It is the act of a self centered, self absorbed, “me first!”, very worst kind of person. </p>
<p>This grandmother enjoyed and accepted the bath of admiration and gratitude for her promised generosity for years. Now the time has come to deliver. Instead, she’s counting her shekels and throwing her grandson under the bus.</p>
<p>Despicable. I feel so sorry for the grandchildren she is intentionally and materially harming. I have no empathy for her whatsoever. Simply despicable.</p>
<p>Congrats on Macaulay! it is a fabulous deal. I know a music major at Hunter who loves it. If your son wants to go, I don’t see any drawbacks!</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Actually, neither one of these extreme assumptions may be true. We just don’t know and the OP certainly is not required to tell us. The fact of the matter is that the MIL isn’t going to pay, for whatever reason, and can’t be compelled to, so it’s up to the OP and her H to figure out how they are going to educate their kids. So far, they are succeeding.</p>
<p>My own parents were quite well off and had substantial assets. I never would have believed them if they told me they were going to be able to just fork over 500K for two kids’ college educations at expensive privates. They would never have been foolish enough to make such a promise either. Old people get sick. Pensions underperform. If they had expressed the intention to help my kids, I would have asked them to start making autodeposits in my childrens’ 529s right then and there. If they did not, I’d know they were just not serious and I’d better disregard their claims.</p>
<p>“The fact of the matter is that the MIL isn’t going to pay”</p>
<p>That’s not necessarily true. As I’ve said, she’s now being very vague and may actually end up swooping in and saving the day. MAY. It’s the uncertainty that has had me all tangled up. We don’t know for sure, and this is too big of a deal for us to take a chance on to wait and see. And as I’ve also said, even if she were to come through this first year, I don’t want to be worrying about our having to deal with this “back and forth” every year. At this point, I’d rather play it safe and have S at a school we can afford on our own.</p>
<p>I really didn’t intend or expect for this to be SO much about my MIL. I provided the background info as context to where I am right now in my thinking and to maybe serve as a consideration/warning for other CCers who may come across this thread. I’d rather focus on Macaulay and New College and heck, maybe even New Paltz! :)</p>
<p>But, regardless, Maikai is correct in that she could afford to do this. NJSue is correct in that she isn’t compelled to do so. Her waffling this late in the game is what has caused the stress. At least if she had started waffling a few years ago, we would have been better prepared. Heck, even if she had started waffling a few months ago instead of still saying she was going to pay, we would have made different decisions as far as applications were concerned and I wouldn’t have been under such tremendous stress this past month or two. </p>
<p>Mythmom, you aren’t going to believe this, but DH said his mother told him that she always said she would pay for their college because she assumed she would be dead by the time it was time for S to go!! I would not have guessed any other grandmother would use the same reasoning because it seems so silly!</p>
<p>Beth’s mom, we’re going down in a couple of weeks, and I’m really excited about it! </p>
<p>Thanks, Muffy! I’m happy to hear you know a music major who is happy at Hunter. That is one thing I’m sure S will be asking about when we’re down there - lessons, practice rooms, opportunities to form bands, etc. He has already found several music courses from their course catalog that he’d really like to take.</p>
<p>I think you are in great shape with affordable options. You might want to discuss the possibility of MIL contributing to 529s for the grandchildren so that the money is there, she can maybe get some tax benefits and it would help everyone in terms of what kind of money is available. Grandparent 529s are nt reported as assets. </p>
<p>The problem with depending on Grandmom swooping in an saving the day for a college decision, is that it is pretty much a 4 year commitment. For her to say in April that she will pay in August is even an issue, as if something should happen to her in between, there could be a problem. Maybe your husband can discuss this with her so that you would not go through this with your other kids.</p>
<p>But you have a great choice for the first one which takes a lot of the pressure off. Congrats to him.</p>
<p>Cptofthehouse had a good suggestion. The issue is that if the 529 plan is in the grandmother’s name, she has control (it is her money after all) and can take it back. What if your child has a bad semester, will she still pay?</p>
<p>If she is serious, I would propose that she be asked to put the money she feels she can contribute for all four years in a 529 plan owned by the parents. Otherwise, assume that the offer was never made. The risk is too great to assume she will save the day when the time comes.</p>
<p>At a minimum, I would have DH talk to MIL and ask that she start a 529 Plan for the other kids ASAP. If one is only 7 (if I read your post correctly), even a small amount annually (or better yet a one-time gift of $14K) could grow quite a bit. You didn’t mention the ages of the others, but hopefully there is enough time for some growth in funds for them also. If she will do that now, at least you will have some idea about how much money will be available for each kid and she can feel she is off the hook for future college expenses. When my son was born, my parents put money in a UTMA account which would have given my son $10,000/year for college. Total cost for them was probably about $6K. They thought that would be plenty - it was five times the amount my college cost. I understand the concept of sticker shock, especially if you have no real reason to be following college costs.</p>
<p>With regard to DS1, I think your DH needs to tell her that plans were made based on her promises. DS1 applied to colleges which you could not afford alone based on her representations. Once all the results are in and FA is known, DH can show her the same spreadsheet that you would show DS1 and let her decide how much she wants to ante up. Because your DS will be more or less locked in to the college he matriculates at, any commitment by MIL should be in writing or preferably in cash by the time he matriculates.</p>
<p>I have to say I like your style, OP.</p>
<p>I don’t know who I would be more annoyed with in this situation, your MIL or your H… it does not really sound like your MIL is going to come through. And I think taking on the rental with your H as landlord sounds like a bad idea (assuming he already has a job and you have three other kids still at home!). But I think your H should pin her down for sure on whether/what she will contribute.</p>
<p>If it were me, I would prepare a spreadsheet and ask your H to set up a meeting with you, H, and MIL. Tell her you just need to get a clear understanding of whether and how much she will be able to help out, since she had said in the past that she would. And that you want to show her the cost of S’s options. Show the “retail costs”, scholarships & grants, any loans he has been offered, and any difference that has been made up. I would show the four year cost with inflation, and include any travel costs if some are far away. I think realistically you should do this for his 3-4 most affordable options. </p>
<p>Then ask her what she is willing to contribute to that “difference” bucket. Maybe 50% for each year? If so, how would she like to pay it? Or is she unable to help? Or maybe a set dollar amount (say, $5,000/year?). Tell her you just need to know for certain before your son finalizes his decision, since cost is definitely a factor.</p>
<p>Note that many of these options (having her pay the bill, open a 529, gift him money directly, or give the money to you) could impact his FA for following years. The folks on the FA forums out here could help you sort through options.</p>
<p>fosterte, I feel for you in this situation. I don’t want to comment on the M-I-L situation, but re Macauley at Hunter vs New Paltz, Macauley is a much better option academically. My daughter is a junior. She has a friend at New Paltz and expressed interest so I looked up the common data set.
[SUNY</a> New Paltz: Institutional Research & Planning - Facts & Figures: Common Data Set](<a href=“http://www.newpaltz.edu/oir/facts_common.html]SUNY”>Common Data Set | SUNY New Paltz)
Aside from the middling stats of the freshman class, I wasn’t impressed with the fact that the largest major by far is education.</p>
<p>Definitely it depends on whether your son will thrive going to college in the city. But if he can, it sounds like a wonderful opportunity. All the Macauley programs are first-rate honors colleges, and Hunter is the most selective of the CUNYs. </p>
<p>Hoping for the best for your son!</p>
<p>I think that a whole lot of time and energy is being wasted on being sad, mad, disappointed and annoyed about what MIL, will/willnot/can or cannot do. If she really wanted to do it and if it were really in her heart to do it, it would have been done and any discussions about it, having your husband talk to her would be a non-issue. Any money given from this point in my opinion would not be from the heart (and frankly, I would not want it. But that’s just me). I wouldn’t ask her for a dime now or later.</p>
<p>What you have found out is that talk is cheap and she did not put her money where her mouth is. I would not ask another question or spend another moment, wondering what she is going to do or the right or wrongness in what she said. </p>
<p>At the end of the day, you can force anyone to gift you/yours something. I think that take away from this is the line for paying for your kid’s education starts at your house. Don’t count, spend or depend on other people’s money. Have all of your bases covered based on what you know that your/your husband can do. Anything extra is just gravy.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>However, overpromising and underdelivering is likely to lead to a lot of conflict in April when the student cannot afford to go to any of his/her acceptances that s/he thought would be affordable when making the application list.</p>
<p>The time to check costs is before the application list is made. This applies to both the person offering to contribute (MIL in this case) and the person who may rely on such an offer (parents and student in this case).</p>
<p>There are plenty of similar sad stories here, where a student is told by his/her parents “don’t worry about the costs, we’ll take care of it” only to be disappointed in April when the only affordable choice out of numerous acceptances is the local community college.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Unfortunately, if she is flaky about it, you and your son should make your decision assuming that she will make no contribution. Then any money that comes from her direction will be seen as a nice bonus, rather than you and your son worrying about whether the promised money actually shows up.</p>
<p>OP–imo, no brainer. Take the scholarship. You have 3 younger kids. Trust me–you won’t regret it. Don’t depend on any promises.</p>
<p>H’s grandfather (who was a doctor) at one time promised to pay for med school for any grandchild. (He had trouble financing his own education when his mom cut off support because he was dating a girl of the wrong religion–whom he eventually married.)
Anyway, the grandfather died at age 61. When H entered med school many years later, my in laws reminded grandma of her husband’s “promise.” Well, she said, it was HIS promise, and she had no interest in keeping it. H’s dad always kept this in mind, and though he had no money of his own, when his wife died, and he got a little life insurance, he insisted on paying off the rest of H’s loans. By that time, there was not much left, and it was unnecessary, but he took satisfaction in finally keeping grandpa’s promise. (There are no other doctors in the family.)</p>
<p>I have to say I agree with Maikai on this one, but I think it’s wise for Fosterte to go ahead without planning on MIL’s money–it will provide both sanity and peace of mind. In that situation, it seems like your best choice will be Macauley at Hunter. Here’s the hitch: how will you feel if she comes in on June 1 with $250,000? How will your son feel about giving up those other choices? Will this also make you unhappy?</p>
<p>OP- you sound like a terrific mom and you should not expend a single calorie regretting the choices you have made.</p>
<p>Now make another choice-- one which is likely going to salvage your relationship with your M-I-L and potentially your H- take a walk with your son, tell him that he has three fine choices (Florida, New Paltz and Macauley) and you are happy to do whatever he needs you to do in order to help him pick one. </p>
<p>Then step back and let him pick one. If he miraculously gets an aid package from one of the schools he hasn’t heard from yet which makes the school an affordable option- then great, he has four great places to consider. And if not, three is a wonderful and respectable showing in the college admissions sweepstakes/lottery/arms race.</p>
<p>If your MIL were going to “swoop in” she’s had six months of watching your son fill out applications and visit colleges and have interviews. It takes about a minute to log on to the Bursar’s page at any college in America and see how to set up an electronic payment plan. It takes two minutes to call your accountant and ask if she should give your son 13K in 2012 and then 14K in 2013 (the limit was just raised), or pay the college directly. It takes another two minutes to tell her son (or your son) “I’m not sending you the 13K by year end in 2012 because my accountant/tax advisor has told me that if I pay tuition directly to the university, which is my intention, the limit on gifts so as not to trigger the gift tax does not apply”.</p>
<p>None of these activities/conversations have taken place. I will wager a guess that a person with the resources to even contemplate paying a grandchild’s college tuition is not naive or stupid about money.</p>
<p>Your son has three fine options and he will no doubt make a good decision.</p>
<p>I’m somewhat cynical, so to me MIL’s “vague” position at this point means she’s certainly not paying the full tab, and probably considerably less. If your S is good with Hunter, then that’s the play in my mind.</p>
<p>Atomom, maybe it wasn’t about the religion and H’s great-grandma was right about the girl after all.</p>