UC Admissions Essay Introduction (constructive Criticism)

College Essays
1

<p>Hey everyone. I'm new to CC and I would like to ask people to help give feedback to my introduction for my UC essay. The prompt is the one regarding which world we come from and how it has helped shaped our dreams/ambitions. Here is the intro: </p>

<pre><code>My experiences have told me that personal obstacles are, perhaps, the most difficult hurdles to overcome. I can endlessly list a variety of my life's obstacles and yet, all these difficulties seem petty compared to me moving away from my best friend, Richard. For over 6 years, I persistently clung on to this friendship, in a deluded hope that I could relive the past again. In fact, my wistful attachment to this bond defined my outlook on life: treasuring my past as dearly as I could; which prevented me from. Ultimately, my stubbornness, in this regard, blinded me from many of my future goals and anchoring me to my childhood. In the end, ending my nostalgia proved to be my greatest challenge and my greatest triumph.

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<p>I am completely open to any major, but constructive and helpful criticism. Thank you.</p>

2

<p>any comments?</p>

3

<p>I don’t suggest you post the rest of your essay in the future in case someone “borrows” ideas from it.</p>

<p>Anyway, I think it’s a good intro. However, ‘ultimately’ is synonymous with ‘in the end’. It also seems like you have a double ending because of this. I believe you are also using the semicolon incorrectly; there should be complete sentences on both sides like this.</p>

4

<p>Thanks for the feedback. Gives me the incentive to continue. Much appreciated!</p>

5

<p>I am also wondering if this idea is sufficiently original and unique (bar people who do ‘‘borrow’’ ideas’') for it not to be considered a clich</p>

6

<p>Anyone willing to see and critique my essay then? I would be very grateful if anyone could do that.</p>

7

<p>bump, inactivity.</p>