<p>So I just finished my rough draft for the first UC prompt, and I'd really appreciate some constructive criticism please. (:</p>
<pre><code>At the site of a rowdy or bratty child, it is often said that the parents are who to blame. Though several factors play a part in the person one becomes, I firmly believe that one’s parents and how one is raised has the most profound influence. With that being said, I consider my “world” to be the family I come home to, particularly my parents. My parents over the years have instilled in me many valuable teachings and principles, however one principle has continued to impact my world for as long as I can remember. This principle that my parents hold so high, is the “need” to attend a unquestionably prestigious college.
For as long as I can remember there has been a tremendous amount of pressure to excel in school. My parents would say things such as “Nothing would make us more happy then being able to say you got into Princeton or Harvard” or “You should go to Cornell and be and engineer like your dad or go to Harvard and become a lawyer.” Statistically I’d approximate that 60% of what my parents talked to me about would be about school. In my opinion, I am successful academically, however the sad truth is that I have never been able to meet my parents standards. This problem dates back to before I was even old enough to attend school. My older brother was the perfect student. Impeccable GPA, almost flawless ACT and SAT, graduating at the top of his class, and lastly going to Princeton University, one of the most prestigious schools in the United States. Following my brother, my older sister also maintained an excellent GPA and remained active in several activities. It is almost as if from the beginning, I was destined to disappoint.
School and meeting my parents’ expectation has always been a struggle for me. In elementary school I was an average student, displaying no credible potential. During middle school, I worked hard to achieve A’s and B’s however no one was impressed or proud. As I reached high school, I truly put forth an incredible amount of effort into school. I realized that the next four years of my life were my last chance to no longer disappoint my parents. With this in mind, I took several honors and AP courses in an attempt to finally pull my academic career together. Though my grades progressively got better every year of high school, they were always sub-par. My SAT and ACT scores, which I consider to be quite decent, were in the shadow of my brother’s intimidatingly high scores and all the other students in my class that my parents compared me to. For quite some time, I was putting myself down because I felt that I was a disappointment to my parents, a fact that they more than likely remain oblivious to.
Although my parents put such an overwhelming amount of pressure on me to succeed I do admit that It has had a profound positive effect on me. Besides, doing my best in school, it has recently opened my eyes to another important issue. That I should be excelling in school and aiming for great universities, not for my parents, but for myself. I have realized that if what I have to offer will not impress my parents, then that is their burden to carry. I now realize that my life is up to me to choose, and that I do not only owe it to my parents to go to a good university but more importantly I owe it to myself. What started out as an effort to make my parents happy, has finally turned into an opportunity for me. That perhaps my academic endeavors could, with a stroke of luck, land me in a reputable university.
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<p>“site” in line one should be “sight”.
Also, you shouldn’t use the passive voice for essays, which you use in “This principle that my parents hold so high, is the “need” to attend a unquestionably prestigious college.” </p>
<p>This entire essay doesn’t seem to represent your growth in the past years - instead, it seems like almost an excuse that unnecessarily emphasizes your “sub-par” grades. You spend two whole paragraphs on how you weren’t able to meet your parents’ expectations - that raises the question of whether or not you’ll be able to reach the expectations of a rigorous university for the admissions officer. </p>
<p>Try to spin it in a positive light that reflects your growth in your past years.</p>
<p>Thanks a lot for contributing !
I definitely understand what you mean haha.
Although I am having a little bit of trouble getting away from the passive voice in the line you quoted</p>
<p>Here is a slightly revised version in case any one else comes along to critique it (: </p>
<p>At the sight of a rowdy or bratty child, it is often said that the parents are who to blame. Though several factors play a part in the person one becomes, I firmly believe that ones parents and how one is raised has the most profound influence. With that being said, I consider my world to be the family I come home to, particularly my parents. My parents over the years have instilled in me many valuable teachings and principles, however one principle has continued to impact my world for as long as I can remember. The principle that my parents hold so high, that has had a significant influence on my life, is the need to attend a unquestionably prestigious college.
For as long as I can remember there has been a tremendous amount of pressure to excel in school. My parents would say things such as Nothing would make us more happy then being able to say you got into Princeton or Harvard or You should go to Cornell and be and engineer like your dad or go to Harvard and become a lawyer. Statistically Id approximate that 60% of what my parents talked to me about would be about school. In my opinion, I am successful academically, however the sad truth is that I have never been able to meet my parents standards. This problem dates back to before I was even old enough to attend school. My older brother was the perfect student. Impeccable GPA, almost flawless ACT and SAT, graduating at the top of his class, and lastly going to Princeton University, one of the most prestigious schools in the United States. Following my brother, my older sister also maintained an excellent GPA and remained active in several activities. It is almost as if from the beginning, I was destined to disappoint.
School and meeting my parents expectation has always been a struggle for me. In elementary school I was an average student, displaying no credible potential. During middle school, I worked hard to achieve As and Bs however no one was impressed or proud. As I reached high school, I truly put forth an incredible amount of effort into school. I realized that the next four years of my life were my last chance to no longer disappoint my parents. With this in mind, I took several honors and AP courses in an attempt to finally pull my academic career together. Though my grades progressively got better every year of high school, they were always still below my parents incredibly high standards. My SAT and ACT scores, which I consider to be quite decent, were in the shadow of my brothers intimidatingly high scores. Not only was I compared to my brother, but also any of the class mates my parents were familiar with. They would always ask how my grades or scores compared to child X and child Y. For quite some time, I was putting myself down because I felt that I was a disappointment to my parents, a fact that they more than likely remain oblivious to.
Although my parents put such an overwhelming amount of pressure on me to succeed I do admit that It has had a profound positive effect on me. Since elementary school, I have pushed my self harder and harder. In the time between elementary school to the end of high school, I went from an average student to a much more advanced student, taking some of the most difficult AP and honors classes my school had to offer. Besides, doing my best in school, it has recently opened my eyes to another important issue. That I should be excelling in school and aiming for great universities, not for my parents, but for myself. I have realized that if what I have to offer will not impress my parents, then that is their burden to carry. I now realize that my life is up to me to choose, and that I do not only owe it to my parents to go to a good university but more importantly I owe it to myself. What started out as an effort to make my parents happy, has finally turned into an opportunity for me. That perhaps my academic endeavors could, with a stroke of luck, land me in a reputable university.</p>
<p>You still spend two paragraphs on how you weren’t able to meet your parents’ expectations…I come from a situation similar to yours, so I can understand where you’re coming from.
However, remember that the personal statement is a way to advertise yourself in a positive light, not highlight your “failures”. </p>
<p>Instead, I’d erase the two body paragraphs, and instead elaborate more on the last paragraph. In the conclusion, you emphasize what you’ve learned and how it’s affected you (though minus the last sentence…I don’t think that’s necessary).<br>
And by the way, you start out two sentences with “that” in the conclusion - that turns the “sentence” into a clause, and you can’t let those clauses stand alone. </p>
<p>On a side note, about that grammar problem; what about</p>
<p>“however, one principle has continued to impact my world for as long as I can remember: the need to attend a unquestionably prestigious college” ? It’s succinct and gets to the point.</p>