<p>You don’t need a formal thesis in your ps, but it can help you focus your thoughts throughout the essay. Conventions like topic sentences and paragraphs actually help you organize ideas and communicate more effectively. I’ll give my honest opinion on your essay:</p>
<p>Organization of ideas would be helpful. I would focus on one event in your life and how you moved on to be where you are now. The first couple of lines make it seem like the main idea of your essay is overcoming the death of your mother and the evolution of your family life. It seems to jump around to several events. Also, using specific names in your essay is very risky - potentially for legal reasons. It doesn’t add anything to the essay and I would remove it. The graphic details also don’t add anything beyond making the reader feel uncomfortable. They paint an unnecessarily graphic portrait for an admissions essay. The act itself, minus the details, is enough imo. People usually avoid facing the realities of abuse, but I don’t think that is the case here. Personally, I think the writing during that part is a little odd. For example, “Almost always I bled” just sounds weird to me.</p>
<p>People find it hard to critique extremely personal essay’s because you don’t want to offend the writer. I would change several things, but if you’re satisfied with your ps that’s all that matters. </p>
<p>Also, it would be more helpful if we knew what kind of grade trends you have. A strong upward trend with completion of prereqs, igetc, and a good personal statement will help. They weigh your ps heavily, but your ps alone will not get you in. Good luck!</p>
<p>I disagree. I think that in any well-developed response to these prompts is an implicit thesis. In responding to the second prompt, for instance, I chose resilience as the quality of which I am proud. I described an event and reflected on its outcome to showcase my resilience. Thus, my resilience is what I was trying to prove.</p>
<p>I think that the thesis in your personal statement is perhaps harder to identify than in others’. I agree that vivid description is good; however, I also agree with some of the previous posters that detailing the process by which your family members sexually aroused you as a child is unnecessary, even if you seek to impress upon the readers those feelings of vulnerability.</p>
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<p>I think that you contradict yourself here. Bomerr was evaluating your statements from one perspective through which admissions officers will. While small grammar mistakes might not make a significant difference overall, one can’t say that those mistakes will be viewed favorably. You asked for people’s opinions, and you are receiving them.</p>
<p>credulitykills: For the upward trend: From 2010 when I started until about the start of Fall 2012 I had a solid 2.11 Cumm. GPA. I worked my ass off and pushed and pushed and finally got up to a 3.2 GPA with a 4.0 Major GPA in sociology.</p>
<p>Gunnnn: I’m accepting of the opinions I’m disputing the facts no one can seem to agree on the idea of a thesis statement. Either way my quality was perseverance and I’m satisfied with what I submitted it’s truly me I just want them to understand the pain I’ve been through and how I overcame it, we’ll see where I get in and the scholarships that are offered to me.</p>
<p>I agree with most of the comments above that the details in the sexual abuse is very unnecessary because it makes it sound like you want the reader to pity you for these misfortunes you’ve encountered. </p>
<p>And you do list a whole lot that makes it seem unfocused. I’m not doubting your writing abilities nor even focusing on grammar or sentence structure - I’m just saying that by listing all these misfortunes you’ve encountered, you’re not doing justice to the prompt.</p>
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<p>The prompt asks for one experience but you are listing too much and that may signal not following directions.</p>
<p>Ocnative: I’m writing about my experiences in relation to the quality of perseverance.</p>
<p>I don’t want to be pitied just understood how many obstacles I’ve persevered through compared to the average applicant to get where I am, that’s all. I apologize if you felt that I wanted to be pitied.</p>
<p>A thesis statement doesn’t have to be complex or formal. It can as simple as “Through foster-care I overcame years of abuse.” Foster-care is the experience and overcoming abuse is how it relates to you. Bam, you answered prompt 2 and now you can elaborate in detail.</p>
<p>The current version is hodgepodge of different ideas. 1st half is insanely graphic detail (which is obscene) and then you talk about foster-care. Basically you get halfway through the essay and you are like “what? this is about foster-care?” where did this come from? It is straight up out of the blue. Then you keep reading and you go off onto more tangents. The fact that the ideas are so disjointed (along with the graphic content) makes the essay weak. The prompt says “Tell us about a…” a = one.</p>
<p>I’m sure Matt tried his best on his essay though. Even if there are too many ideas jammed into one essay, there’s a sense of honestly in his writing that shows he’s determined to succeed despite facing such misfortunes.</p>
<p>^ A person statement isn’t JUST about being genuine or honest. It’s an application. In the end you want to show your best qualities and make a stand for why you deserve to be accepted compared to all the other applicants. (altho it doesn’t have to be that direct; mine kinda is tho) </p>
<p>The problem for matt is that this statement also shows off a lot of negative qualities.
-Not being socially aware enough to know where the line separating obscene in.
-Disorganization of thought which shows weak reflection skills.
-More weak writing skills e.g. Giving a name to your abuser characterizes him and that is the last thing you wanna do. </p>
<p>Are you responding to me? I already stated that I agree with everything you wrote, so you’re preaching to the choir. Maybe next year’s applicants can learn something, but it’s too late for Matt4200, so there’s no need to keep pounding it into him.</p>
<p>And if I should get accepted to UCLA or UCB next years applicants may learn to be honest and treat it as a statement about who they are as a person, what happened to them and what quality do they most see in themselves for those obstacles having been in their lives’.</p>
<p>It’s a two way street and we’ll see in March/April which way honesty and perseverance goes with UCB and UCLA right?</p>