<p>Fair to me is that family supported and helped each kid get an education, according to desire and ability. I am one of a large family. All of us started at flagship U and only 2 of us transferred but our folks offered each if us the opportunity to have a term or year at an OOS U which participated in exchange program. They also encouraged each of us to go to grad/pro school and paid off any loans we incurred upon graduation. The amounts spent were vastly unequal. Half of us got virtually full merit funding and the other got little to no merit or FAid. None of know how much my folks paid for anyone and none of us feel it is anyone’s business but my folks (and maybe the student). Only one sib did NOT attend grad/pro school. She was not offered the cash equivalent for choosing to stop after her bachelor’s degree. </p>
<p>My S got significant merit award to attend private U in engineering. He was quite focused and entered with the max–60 credits as an entering freshman. D (2 yrs younger) left HS after JR to start CC. She applied and was admitted to the same U as brother, after she completed 3 semesters CC. She was full pay. </p>
<p>At no time has either kid complained that we have spent more on D’s college than S. both are happy and grateful to graduate debt-free. We are very glad that both kids had a positive college experience and got their degrees. </p>
<p>I do not plan to “even up” the amount I spent in D by giving S more in the future. He doesn’t expect it and I believe he would be puzzled. He got an excellent job in his SR year of college that he’s now held for 2 years. Financially he is very comfortable and rents a gorgeous condo in a nice neighborhood, has a nice car he inherited (after the car we sent him died after a few rear-enders and old age (it was a 1992). D also has a car, which she needs for her field and where she lives (LA). </p>
<p>We give to each of our kids based on their needs and our ability to help. Thus far, it has worked out very well and our kids are very close. :)</p>
<p>I have a relative who funded accounts for each of his kids for their education. So far, I believe he’s been able to pay with current income. His oldest just got a scholarship for med school and tuition is MUCH lower than anticipated. The relative hasn’t decided what he will do with the excess funds after they all have finished their educations–a happy ‘problem’ to look forward to. Perhaps he may use it to help the kids buy places to live.</p>
<p>If I may: a conversation that needs to be had with older sis is about plans after HS graduation and expectations.</p>
<p>1) mimimum GPA or funding gets cut off. And mean it. And the 8 Semester limit, unless there are extenuating circumstances.
2) spending money. Source? Expectations to contribute? or enable?
3) Will she work the summer before Fr year to contribute savings? Real consequences should be enacted if not.
4) what will her summer plans be after Freshman year? same thing.</p>
<p>Just because you CAN afford 8 semesters for her, I wouldn’t just hand it to her.</p>
<p>I think if I was either sister, I would not want to hear myself described in such terms by a parent. My thought would be…this is just high school. You have NO idea what my potential is, and what is inside of me. I remember my parents labeling us in certain ways, and they were wrong. You have to be very careful, defining your kids as this or that can come back to bite you. </p>
<p>That said, if you are paying for both kids, why would it have to be exactly the same? Shoot, tuition can be vastly different. If neither of them ends up with debt, what’s the issue? Kid #2 could end up being cheaper with merit $$ anyways.</p>
<p>I think it might be “more fair” to tell each D that you’ll spend X based on the fact that they’re your kids.</p>
<p>THEN…you might add in something like this: BUT…we will throw in an additional $Xk for any kid who exhibits the following specified criteria (which you determine).</p>
<p>That way, both girls will know upfront that they get a certain amount for being your child, BUT they can increase that amount by $Xk if they can meet the set criteria. D1 needs to know that NOW.</p>
<p>I would not send D1 off to college with the “basic amount” and then give D2 more without first alerting D1 that if she also does A, B, C then she’d also get that larger amount.</p>
<p>I have 5 kids, and don’t treat them equally because they have so many different needs and wants. For all of my issues, problems, complaints and mistakes with them, at this point, none of them have said even a whisper about this. My oldest got the prime rib when it came to colleges in that we let him pick with no monetary restrictions, and he picked top price. My next went to a state school and with a merit scholarship,so is cost was much less. BUt he has cost us in other ways. My next two had budgetary constraints on their choices due to our financial situation, and they did not say a word and happily went with them. They feel fully that of course we should tell them what we can comfortably afford and can pay. They threw out the schools that were over the amounts we told them we could pay. They all want the youngest to have full choice and have said they will pitch in so he could. </p>
<p>I don’t keep count, so I don’t know who is ahead in terms of family money expended, and don’t even think about it though I have brought it up at times when one is burning through the money for whatever reason, sometimes not even their fault. I don’t expect it to even out in the end either. </p>
<p>BUt this is all a family matter, and some families count it down to the dollar each year. We don’t.</p>
<p>Or, here is $____ total for your education. If you choose a low cost route, taking more than 8 semesters might still fit in the budget. If you choose a high cost route, you better graduate on schedule.</p>
<p>Given the low percentage of college students* who actually do graduate in 8 semesters, it may be more realistic to at least consider the possibility of taking more than 8 semesters, and planning the finances accordingly (e.g. encouraging lower cost schools so that a 9th semester won’t break the budget, etc.).</p>
<p>*Meaning typical college students, not the ones who finished high school with a 3.9 HS GPA in the hardest courses and 2300 SAT scores that seem to be assumed on these forums.</p>
<p>You should provide equal ~ that is what is fair. I would say that is the very definition of fair. It won’t be hard to do and it won’t feel wrong since the more motivated students will be rewarded ~ they will make opportunities happen which the less motivated will not. Example: my children knew there was no money in the budget for study abroad. One child found a paid summer position overseas. She has also received undergrad scholarships which allow us to pay substantially for her doctorate program. Even if she had loans, I fully believe she would manage- she’s that kind of student. On the other hand we have a student who has always struggled academically. He may need extra time to get through undergrad-no one is going to offer him any scholarship money or money for jobs overseas (at this point) BUT I would never dream of not providing for him equally- they get the same money from us. </p>
<p>You do not want to live with (parental) reqret - and the best way to not have regrets - is to provide for your children equally. They will make their own opportunities - as talent and motivation allow.</p>
<p>Another who says equitable is not the same as equal. Further, it sounds as if just by numbers that the differential would be maybe 20%…which doesn’t sound so grossly off that the kids should be aggrieved by it anyway.</p>
<p>(If D2 were a musician and you bought an instrument and paid for music related stuff presumably you’d offer similar EC for other daughter, but if other daughter didn’t want EC’s you wouldn’t let her make up the difference at the mall.)</p>
Hurtful, indeed! If/when if comes time for Mommy and Daddy Dearest to need help in their old age, I would not be surprised if your h lets his sisters handle it and stays away. I wonder how the will is worded – do they leave him out of that?</p>
<p>^^ that’s our detail.
Mine are close in age. When they were quite young, a friend (also with girls close in age) gave me the full expression- and it proved valuable.</p>
<p>The whole is: “Fair isn’t always equal and equal isn’t always fair.”<br>
Or vice versa. D2 had the musical ability, the lessons, orchestra, another performance group, camp, etc. D2 never had a parallel interest that cost the same. So, we occasionally treated her to other things.</p>
<p>It works out. The goal is the unity and affection. The rest seems to find its place.</p>
<p>Its fair. Effort should be rewarded…unless you are a socialist and believe everyone should receive same pay for different efforts. This is a lesson they will both learn throughout life. If one works hard and makes good choices, she will probably earn more/have a more fullfilling life than the other. Plus, I am wondering if the social butterfly perhaps already costs you more, in texting costs, money to go out, clothes, make up, etc.</p>
<p>Somewhat similar possible situation in my house. All my kids were told they needed some merit money or aid to attend private college, or could go to State U. Oldest was NMF and at his chosen school that made a big difference in how much aid he received. He took minimal loans, but still cost us more than State U. Middle decided on State U over schools that gave him merit money - but has no loans. He was an under-achiever in HS and at the beginning of college, so think this was a good call. </p>
<p>Now youngest is looking. He is a better student then the second, but not as good at tests as the first. Is it fair to expect him to get as much merit money as the oldest, since he probably will not have the same SATs (just not as good a test taker) or have him only go to State U, even though his grades and motivation are much better than the older two? Or is it not fair to the middle one to send youngest to expensive private with little merit $ as middle was not allowed to go to his school of choice, because it was too expensive (but also not as well ranked as the State U). What happens if youngest gets into same school as oldest, but with the same merit oldest got before the extra NMF money? </p>
<p>Not sure what we will do, as the money issue may mean he will go to State U no matter what, but have been thinking about the whole notion of equity and whether motivation, personality, and even field of study should be taken into account in spending vastly different amounts on college.</p>
<p>^^#33. It is a big stretch to assume that a kid that is less motivated in college will end up with a less fulfilling life than younger sister. Plenty of room for change at 18!</p>
<p>By the way, I had told my older one, who was not that driven in high school, that I would only fund community college and then state U when he reached that point. Well, state U is all we can afford. For my daughter, who has worked much harder, even though things do not come easy for her, and does tons of volunteer work, and has lots of AP credits, we said we would pay state U from day 1. Older son needed to prove himself at some point before we would kick in and even pay for state U. Anyway, he ended up with enough financial aid and scholarships (financial aid included a work study) that private college worked for him. </p>
<p>I do not feel guilty about the decision to pay less for the older one. I love both my children. In fact, my oldest is the more loving one, and sweet and kind, so I felt bad about not working to make him happy. But in reality, college is an investment. And money I would pour in to his education would be for waste if he were to not to change and make more effort. It makes way more sense to pour that money in to the one who has shown over and over again that she will work as hard as it takes to get the job done.</p>
<p>I know a lot of very successful adults (both in the making lots of money sense, as well as in the “contributes enormously to society” sense) who were thought of as slackers in HS.</p>
<p>Please, don’t be so quick to label your kids and to make assumptions about what their futures will hold. Yes, you need to be realistic about a kid’s worth ethic and intrinsic intellectual potential in order to help encourage and motivate your child. But the world is filled with highly successful adults whose potential wasn’t recognized and stroked to the extent that their siblings were, and their adult relationships often suffer tremendously because of it.</p>
<p>I attended an informal middle school reunion last year organized by a couple of aggressive/talented Facebook user’s who got the “old neighborhood” together. Wow, were there some shockers in the room. The Val/Most likely to Succeed who was derailed by an early marriage and early divorce whose professional life never really took off. The slacker kid who finally graduated from college (three schools over about 8 years), attended a no-name Med school in the Caribbean, and is head of R&D at a well regarded pharma company. The “I never got higher than a C” student who is a pastor and social worker who will probably do more good in his life than the rest of the class combined.</p>
<p>So yes, take a realistic view at your HS kids but don’t start condemning them to a life watching soaps and buying lottery tickets just yet.</p>
<p>Great post, blossom. It is often surprising how people end up far different than the expectations set when they were young.</p>
<p>Actually, even if these two kids were exactly alike and attended the same college, same program and number of years, it would still cost more for the youngest. It’s not like tuition prices are going down or staying the same. So what would you do, make the youngest take a loan to cover inflation?</p>