<p>In most of my extended family, this would have been considered a no-brainer. Younger D has greater demonstrated merit through academics, being willing to work summer jobs, having the right priorities, etc. </p>
<p>If the older D complained, she’d have been socialized to know that she placed herself in the position of not being prioritized for educational funding through her low academic standing, prioritization of socializing/being a social butterfly, not having GOOD reasons FOR going to college, etc. </p>
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<p>No. Especially considering her demonstrated academic performance, priorities, and seeming lack of direction/good affirmative reasons for going to college.</p>
<p>I say this as someone who graduated near the bottom of my HS graduating class and consequently, was out of the running for my extended family’s scholarship for college. It’s my older relatives’ right to determine whom they’ll fund for college and none of the young’uns like myself who didn’t measure up to that standard have any right to complain. </p>
<p>Hey…back when I was graduating HS, it’s understandable why the extended family member would consider folks like myself a “risky bet” when it comes to funding my educational expenses. </p>
<p>That understanding combined with the implied obligation of responsibility to support older and less successful relatives after graduation are reasons why I’ve refused subsequent extended family offers to pay for post-college summer classes or grad school. </p>
<p>There’s something to be said for the freedom of being free from such family obligations that my older scholarship cousins can’t shake off. :)</p>
<p>Gee Cobrat. Guess your family cuts folks off as 18 year olds. Like others here, I know a bunch of high school classmate stars that became duds after high school graduation. Likewise, there were those less aggressive high school students who became very successful college students, with very successful careers.</p>
<p>Our two kids were very different high school students and very different college students, with very different interests. It never dawned on me to “weigh” their attributes and fund college accordingly.</p>
<p>Oh…both graduated in four years from good private universities. Who would have guessed?</p>
<p>If parents want to offer “the same” amount to each kid, it may make sense to adjust for college price inflation. Perhaps that can be done by basing the amount on the cost of some benchmark schools.</p>
<p>Was just outlining what my family did, the fact that it’s their right to make such determinations because it’s their money, and the fact I understand the logic behind it, however flawed it may be. </p>
<p>I also agree with your point that there’s no one to one correlation between being a HS academic star and being one in college. Heck, I’m living proof of that to some extent considering my undergrad performance is the near polar opposite of my HS performance.</p>
<p>Just remember, the older kid gets the full amount of money that was originally promised, which is enough to have a four-year degree, and probably more than many families give. The only question is whether it’s mean to throw the younger kid a bit more, $5000 per year, when the younger kid has compelling academic reasons for needing more (an unusual program that links with a genuine passion) and has shown a lot of ownership and good faith as to her education. The money would not come from the older kid’s “pot” – it’s not a shift – it’s just the parents digging deeper than promised in one case, and not in the other. At least not now, as no showing of need or commitment has been made.</p>
<p>The point made above about things often evening out, over time, is well-taken. The older kid’s tutoring funds, over the years, were well into five figures.</p>
<p>I see some thinking, in this thread, that some assessment is being made about whether one kid is likely to have a better future than the other on the basis of high school record (or is somehow more worthy as a person). I’m not sure where that came from. The parental question here is simply whether it’s cruel, unkind, unfair to spend more on one kid than another when they come to the table with different academic goals and effort levels. If one kid’s general, “giving-you-the-benefit-of-the-doubt-and-sending-you” needs can be met for x-amount, and the other’s more specialized curricular needs can be met for x + 5K, and the one with specialized needs has shown more academic commitment and ability to benefit from the specialized program, it doesn’t seem wrong to me. Again, when the less-motivated student needed tons of tutoring, nobody was wringing hands over how this would affect the sibling.</p>
<p>I think most people are saying it doesn’t seem wrong to them either. If you weren’t wringing your hands over the tutoring money, then why hand-wringing now over a little more for college?</p>
<p>I think “fair” when it comes to education means trying to help your kids achieve their particular goals to the best of your ability (and theirs). It can mean differing amounts of money for each.
Yes, if it took an extra 5K (and I could afford it) for D2 to go to college without debt in the field she wants to pursue it would be provided without regard to how much was spent on a sibling. Having self-supporting kids is MY goal.</p>
<p>Very fair question and not all kids will be altruistic or even aware of the the impact spending on them could have on the others when resources are limited.</p>
<p>It is not cruel or unkind or unfair to spend more money on college for the kid who seems better positioned to take advantage of what her college experience will offer.</p>
<p>I thank all for their input. I have come to see this as one more example of how parenting is a lifelong process of looking at each child’s individual, legitimate needs, and approaching them all with the same spirit and the same general intent, but not getting too hung up on exact dollars. </p>
<p>What if I were a helpful grandparent, and the currency were my time, instead of dollars? I wouldn’t track every minute spent watching grandchildren, and insist on equalizing it. But I would try to be equally responsive to my children’s and grandchildren’s individual needs.</p>
<p>I have gotten the clarity I was seeking from this thread, and I’m finished with it. But you guys can go on and have more fun with it! Thanks again.</p>
<p>Field, both your D’s sound very special. The most talented corporate leader I have ever worked for had significant LD’s and had hated school- long before anyone had heard of dyslexia or knew how to work with a kid with learning challenges he was perpetually tracked into the “slow” track which for him meant dumb and dumber.</p>
<p>He graduated from a no-name state college (probably on the 6 year plan) and got a job in corporate sales. He rose very quickly- people loved him, he could sell a company a $10 million dollar security system and his clients would be grateful to write the check. After oodles of promotions he ended up running a very big division. </p>
<p>People loved working for him; his clients and customers adored him, while he couldn’t read a 30 page document with graphs and charts and statistics and then tell you what it said, he remembered which assistant was sad because her cat had died and remembered which intern was leaving early to study for the LSAT’s and he always greeted the janitorial staff by name and remembered whose mom had just had gall bladder surgery.</p>
<p>Bottom line- at his peak he was probably earning 1.5 M per year before his stock options and equity kicked in; he was greatly beloved for his people skills and for modeling behavior which had empathy for “the little people” and not just sucking up to the big shots, and people were sobbing at his retirement party.</p>
<p>That’s why I get sad when I meet people IRL who had low expectations growing up. Being a social butterfly is as important a coping skill in life as being able to do differential calculus. Clearly, the person who can’t do calc isn’t going to engineering school, and the person who can’t remember people’s names and doesn’t like to be social and engaged with others is probably not going to make it in sales. But there are successful people all over the place whose enormous gifts and talents weren’t necessarily recognized in HS. And mercifully- HS ends, and then real life can begin.</p>
<p>What do you do if one kid earns (and accepts) a huge scholarship, and the other kid goes full-pay? Do you “make it up” to the kid who took the scholarship?</p>
<p>You can offer the kid who goes under-budget the “leftover” money for post-graduate professional school if s/he attends. (Or if s/he needs an extra semester of school…)</p>
<p>DS1 is at an expensive school, and he is very bright, and has a wonderful future in front of him. We were willing to help him go to his dream school but sat him down to explain just how expensive this dream school would be. Because he had great scores and ambition, he earned scholarships that pay for almost his entire cost of school. </p>
<p>DS2 has significant LD issues. He is a much harder worker than DS1 and as Blossom mentioned above, sounds like the corporate leader she described. He remembers everyone’s name, remembers important details and is liked by many. He’s also a natural salesman and has his own business and makes a good amount of money when he works (which is not too much due to school work). He takes twice as long as others to do homework and struggles to keep his grades up. We will probably spend more on his college because he won’t be able to earn merit scholarships. We will support his college choice which may be more expensive to find the right fit for him and his needs.</p>
<p>We have raised our boys to support each other and the family in their endeavors. I don’t think either of them has ever been the type to say “he got more than me”. Not even when they were little. Not sure how we managed that, but they just don’t compare how much of anything they get. They are happy for each other when they succeed. That is the best gift we can give to them.</p>
<p>“We have raised our boys to support each other and the family in their endeavors. I don’t think either of them has ever been the type to say “he got more than me”. Not even when they were little. Not sure how we managed that, but they just don’t compare how much of anything they get. They are happy for each other when they succeed. That is the best gift we can give to them.”</p>
<p>That is wonderful. I truly hope my sons feel the same way. I think they do. A loved ones success should be something to celebrate, not to feel diminished by.</p>
<p>i think this question should not be consider about unequal money for unequal kids because everyone has different thought about their lives. like what you said in the passage, the younger sister worked so hard for her dream program, and i think it is worth to do this. Her elder sister like her life right now, so she keep doing it. BUT everyone has to pay the price about their choices in their life, so i dont think it is unequal.</p>
<p>The only thing we do in equal amounts around here is “spending money”. Since both girls work, even that is kind of useless. </p>
<p>What we do do is pay attention to both kids and try to offer them the assistance they each prefer as well as the attention. </p>
<p>For example, youngest likes MAC technology and oldest really prefers a PC. These do not cost the same, but they are tools. Youngest loves cars and oldest loves art. Youngest wanted big state U with sports and Greek and whatnot. Oldest wanted small private. She’s a creative. </p>
<p>These don’t cost the same. But they have what they want and need. I don’t think they compare price tags. </p>
<p>Again, good luck! I hope you can give each kid what they want and need to be their most uniquely successful selves.</p>