<p>We drop off the freshman son in nine days. Yes, I'm coordinating bed linens. Yes, his room is a mess as his preparations seem to focus on the last days of work, the Facebook site, transferring critical files and photos onto his new college laptop, and late night rendezvous with very random high school friends at the local 24-hour deli.</p>
<p>What surprises me is that while I've been mindful of this separation milestone and have been pondering it for some time, I now find myself missing my son's 10- or 12- year old self, not his 18-year old self. This makes no sense to me. Any comments? Thanks.</p>
<p>Speckledegg, I think that is very typical. At milestones we all tend top do a lot of reflecting. You are remembering you son at a time which was very special to you. I hit a triple milestone the month my son went off to college. I turned 40 years old, had my 20th wedding anniversary, and delivered my first born to a college 1300 miles from home all at the same time! I was very reflective of my marriage, my DS, and my life in general. Talk about overload! I think what's happening to you is pretty normal.</p>
<p>18-year-old sons are not exactly great company, in my opinion :) (I have one, too). Before we dropped off S at college on Sunday, I missed his 10- to 12-year-old self more, too. That was a much nicer, funner age and time. He actually seemed to like me back then.</p>
<p>Now that he's actually gone, I find myself missing parts of him (i.e. the trash-taking-out part and the run-your-sister-over-to part especially, but also the guy I watch West Wing reruns with, the guy I can ask about some political story in the news.) I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal, and thanks for pointing out that I was feeling that way, too! I just couldn't name it the way you did.</p>
<p>Mine's a bit different, since his 18-year-old self is very, very agreeable indeed. I miss him already even though he won't be gone until this weekend, but I also am feeling empty-armed for the little one I see in the pictures from when he was five, six and seven. The things I keep thinking about are the times when he'd do things like pull a knit hat down over his eyes and walk around the house running into walls just to see what it would be like not to be able to see. We can still hear his CLUNK followed by "Oh, man!" The different voices of the characters he'd pretend to be while he played with little metal cars in the dirt are hanging in the air outside my bedroom window, too.</p>
<p>Sorry. This is getting to be very difficult. At least some of the people here understand.</p>
<p>ctymomteacher, I totally, totally understand. But my 19-year-old soph is right now in the same city as me and calling me "hello mother" (the disapproving tone is when he does not like me, when he likes me it is "hi mom" in a melting tone) and being very disagreeable. But I totally understand! :)</p>
<p>I have figured out, Speckedegg (& others), that while I do in fact miss DS, what has me "down for the count" is missing the day-to-day job of mothering, and reinventing the boundaries of my world...your phraseology--missing his 10 or 12 year old self--is just perfect...</p>
<p>The change in my day to day existence is profound...even silly stuff like whether to accept a dinner invitation...used to be those things got coordinated with S's schedule...now, no need for that...takes major-league getting-used-to--and a few (gallons of) tears are probably a necessary step in the process...</p>
<p>I have no idea what's around this bend in the road for me; half the time that's ok; the other half the unknown drives me bonkers. And it all "feels like" it's because I miss DS...</p>
<p>You are most definitely not alone...I've dripped enough tears to turn the Sahara into a tropical garden...I sure do appreciate your post because it said so perfectly what I was feeling...and that helped enormously! Thank you...</p>
<p>I soooo get that feeling. I could have had a dozen kids if they stayed under 12 years old. I could do that lovey-dovey part of life forever and ever and ever.</p>
<p>We're enjoying the few days S1 is home. Went for a long run on the beach yesterday. He was miles ahead of H who was miles ahead of me. Still fun. The dog couldn't decide who to follow.</p>
<p>S1's not home long enough to snarl. He did request a family vacation at Christmas--cycling in Vietnam <em>visualizes 48 year old mum, huffing and puffing at the bottom of a steep dirt road</em></p>
<p>I have shed plenty of tears over the last year reflecting on all those "sweet" years when the kids were little and readying myself for the last one to leave the nest. Well, as of last week, the nest is now empty. Right now while I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my time, I have started a project of scrapbooking all the photos from the baby years on up. I'm finding that while it does bring some tears and emotional feelings, it is quite fun and relaxing to be creative while enjoying some of the memories from the past. Thought I'd pass that suggestion on to everyone who is feeling out of sorts and struggling with the emotions that come with a child going off to college whether it's your first, last or one in between.</p>
<p>I am also lining up projects, as my first, last and only will be off on his great adventure next month (uni is on a quarter system). My conundrum is the buffet that lives in my entry hall. We display his competitive medals for that year on the buffet, and then, once a year, move them up to his room to make room for the new ones. I'm not looking forward to that. Maybe I can display college photos on it or something.</p>
<p>Hey guys- you're missing your kids & you're missing mothering...my plan is to throw myself into interesting activities and hobbies so that when the time comes, I can be a really fun & interesting Grandma!!! (Yikes did I say grandma!??!?!) :D</p>
<p>Ohhh - I can relate to all of your stories so well....DS left last weekend for jr. year and we took DD on Sunday for her first year....I went to the grocery store today and it took me 45 minutes to buy less than 12 items! Found myself standing in the aisles, trying to mentally refigure recipe amounts for 2, remembering not to buy those items that only the kids ate or drank until just before they come home again, and trying to stifle some gentle sniffling all at the same time!</p>
<p>" I now find myself missing my son's 10- or 12- year old self, not his 18-year old self"</p>
<p>Speckled - there's a reason that Little League ends at 12. That pretty much marks the end of the time when they are unequivocably "ours" and the beginning of the time when we have to share them with the world. It's a special point in time, although I have to admit I feel closer to my 19 year old sophomore now than I ever did.</p>
<p>Last summer, I was pining for my sweet Little League playing 12 yer old 2nd baseman. Probably because the reality of the snarling, sleep till noon, uncooperative 18 yr old young man was so unappetizing.</p>
<p>Sunday, our new improved 19 year old to be sophomore will return to school. Or 'Home' as he now calls it.</p>
<p>I will miss this young man! This guy painted the entire exterior of our house in the summer sun (for $$$ off his car loan to us!), punched a cash register at the local health shop other days, ASKED permission for things he'd demanded last year, smiled alot, watched DVDs into the night with us and remembered the words 'thanks, Mom'.</p>
<p>They are a wonder, aren't they? Once they go off to college, you never know exactly who is going to come back next vacation! It has been fascinating intermittantly watching S1 grow from 18 to 21. It seems like every visit there is something new. I guess the changes aren't as startling when they're here every day. You know, like how other people's children never grow up? :D</p>
<p>I think I'm missing the bubbliness, the focus, the enthusiasm, and the easy confidence of the 10- to 12- year old boy. The older version is restless, somewhat moody, busy with his job, very absorbed with his social life, and (this sounds silly I know) stupider in some ways even though he is quite capable. </p>
<p>We don't really see (what I consider to be) the best of him when he's home. It makes sense in some ways, as he becomes more independent and his activities and interests become more centered outside the home. I sense that the emotional connection is still there, deep down, but there are many layers to get through. I'm hoping it swings back our way. </p>
<p>I know that he's dealing with a steady drumbeat of saying goodbye to high school friends this month and it's starting to get to him. It feels very final to the kids, very black and white. </p>
<p>On a more practical note, we've been stockpiling bedding and other dorm supplies in a corner of the house since June. I can't wait to get this stuff out of the house and regain use of that room!</p>
<p>I'll bet you'll get to see the 'better' side of your son next vacation also.
Those goodbyes to longtime HS friends can be sad for them.</p>
<p>Losing that stockpile of 'stuff' will be fun, won't it?
I just came back from a 'back to school' run at Walmart for sophomore son. Not bedding, eggcrates, dishes, etc, like last year. Just a much easier batch of shampoo, toothpaste, granola bars, Easy Mac.
He didn't even ask for anything....it's just the residual mothering in me that made me want to do it!</p>
<p>Speckled, I came across a line this morning in the book I'm reading, Song of the River, by Sue Harrison (interesting story of Aleutian Indian life set 8000 years ago):</p>
<p>paraphrasing, </p>
<p>No mother relishes giving up her sons to manhood.</p>
<p>I found that apropos to the day. We leave in 1/2 hour for the 4 hour drive to drop off S1. </p>
<p>Also - I would note that S1 has a baby pic of self packed away to take along. Last night he asked me, "where did the time go?" Was he really grown and off to college? I think the kiddos are excited and ready but a bit nostalgic, too, for the days when they were wee and cuddlebearish.</p>
<p>Oh I so was there with you beachy!! Was at the grocery store on Sunday, buying for the horde that is still at home and was putting the low-fat yogurt, strawberry bananna flavor and sprouts and avocados and mangos and kiwis in the cart and stopped cold.</p>
<p>That's DD's favorites. It was all sitting in the cart and no baby girl. I had left her at school on Friday.</p>
<p>I turned around and walked out, crying all the way to the car.</p>
<p>Had to go back the next day for the groceries, all the hungry kittens at home were not satisfied with my new-found fear of grocery shopping. They were all yowling for their milk and meat.</p>