@pysch I don’t think the OP ever used the word cruel. But of course for some students it can feel hurtful not to be selected, especially if they are already having a bit of a hard time socially. As for exclusive, well a club that is not open to all and selects their members based on largely subjective criteria is by definition exclusive. Sorority rush can be validating and great fun for some, but for others who are not heavily courted it can be a blow to the ego.
Not sure I understood your analogy to the Ivies. First off, I don’t think the OP was ‘bitterly complaining’ about not getting selected to certain sororities, and secondly there is a social/beauty pageant/popularity component associated with Greek life at some school which bears no relation to Ivy league admission
As a mother of a college freshman daughter , also the last of our 4 to go to college, I have some concerns. Ours also isn’t happy with her school. She never wanted to go there in the first place, so she went in with a chip on her shoulder.
She has joined clubs , gone to events that are out of her comfort zone…seen a counselor. Roommate is not a close friend , but also not a problem.
I am beginning to think it is her high school friend group that is part of the problem. It isn’t just her at all …she has a large circle of friends with varying interests. None of them are happy yet ( really hoping second semester will turn around ) Some of them went back to their schools last week. One of them came back for the long weekend after being gone for only a week. When they socialize while at school , it is often times with each other still, despite the distance between their schools.
One of them attends an Ivy…it was a big deal for the family . She went back less than a week ago and her dad decided to take a group of her friends to surprise visit her because she is unhappy.
The way they cling onto each other is baffling to me.
Several of them are planning to transfer , some to a local college and move back home.
My daughter still wants to apply as a transfer to the school she really wanted to attend , but I question whether she would be happy their , considering all of this.
It seems that the majority of her HS graduating class is feeling the same way.
Our older girls ALL loved their schools , as did most of their friends .
I am really just stumped
Everyone looks like they’re having a ball on Instagram.
Get your kid to pull the plug on social media for a week and I’ll bet the feeling of “I’m so miserable” starts to dissipate. It’s like attending a weight watchers meeting with a bunch of size 8’s trying to get to a size 6. You’re working hard to dump 50 lbs- who wouldn’t be depressed in that environment???
I sent you a private message,@BoulderBeBe.
@lje62 wrote “My daughter still wants to apply as a transfer to the school she really wanted to attend , but I question whether she would be happy there”
Why didn’t she go to this school in the first place? Why does she have a “chip on her shoulder” about her current school?
@BoulderBebe , if it were my kid I’d have her finish out her freshman year-I’ve read too many stories of kids struggling the first semester/quarters, and then catching their stride in the second to let her bail so fast.
Heck, I went back to school last semester as a 45 year old and spent the first week crying when I got home because it was such a transition for me. I’m doing ok now 
But you see my point-if it’s hard for grownups to do this (and frankly I didn’t expect it to be as difficult emotionally as it was-the classes are not hard), imagine how hard it must be for the kids to have everything change.
Additionally, kids often don’t have the earned experience of knowing that sticking with a tough experience for a long time often leads to satisfaction and contentment (I hesitate to use the word happiness because it’s such a loaded word).
How about planning a trip or something she would like over the summer? That will give her something to look forward to. Clubs definitely. Dies the school have a first year program she can get involved in? Let’s face it. Social media isn’t all real. Her friends may look like they are having a blast but many don’t post negative things. Remind her she is only seeing a part of their lives. Show her that girl on Instagram who came out recently who led a completely different life than what she portrayed on there. She was in actuality miserable and unhappy.
Lastly remind her why she licked the school. Focus on getting into her career field. Finish out that first year. There is a large percentage of freshman that take more than a semester to find their groove. Tell her this is normal what she is experiencing. Remind her she’s not a quitter. Once you quit once you’ll rationalize it every time thereafter and it gets easier. Not the path you want to start going down.
I’d say support her. Watch her mental health. Make sure she doesn’t feel pushed in a corner. Say you will revisit this topic after second semester and keep commo lines open.
@MotherOfDragons , my daughter got denied at her first choice school.
The chip on her shoulder was because she didn’t really like the school she was attending. She chose it out of a handful of schools that she was accepted to , but location was the deciding factor.
@lje62 I guess if it were me, I’d run through the permutations-she applies to her original first choice school as a transfer. She gets in, and then what happens? Does it affect financial aid? Travel? What will change from your point of view as a parent negatively or positively?
If nothing bad happens for you, and she gets in (which sounds iffy), then what’s the worst that could happen? She gets there and discovers that what’s keeping her from being contented isn’t the school, and she sucks it up and decides to work hard regardless.
I’d run all these possible hypothetical outcomes with her now to see if you can suss out what she’s really looking for-do a lot of “if then” trees.
If you don’t get in to dream school as a transfer, then what will you do? If you do get in, but you’re still not happy, what will you do? Stuff like that.
It may help pinpoint what she thinks the dream school can give her, and that may be valid. Or it may be that she’s looking for something that college can’t give her, and that’ll be illuminating for the two of you, as well.
@lje62 - your post jumped out at me because it reminded me of my freshman year roommate, whom I loved dearly and still do (we are still friends 25+ years later though we don’t see each other often).
She was very good friends from a close circle back at home, and never seemed all that interested in something new (she was always sweet to me and even took me home with her). Though she broke up with high school sweetheart later on, she is still friends with most of her original girl friends today because she ended up going back to the area where she grew up.
I’m not totally sure it’s a negative thing per se. I wish I had been a little more connected to my high school crowd. It just didn’t click for me, mainly because we moved when I was in h.s.
Maybe your daughter found her tribe really early in life (??). Hoping she can still enjoy college though. My roomie left for a year, but then came back and finished and I’m sure she’s glad about that.
^^ I honestly don’t think she has much of a chance to get accepted this year. Honestly, I am hoping that she has a better semester and things turn around for her where she is. She has more classes related to her major and that could help. She hasn’t been challenged because she ( and also her friend in her program ) worked at a more advanced level in high school than they did as first semester freshmen.
Financial aid is irrelevant since she missed the deadline for merit at her current school.
She is fully prepared to spend another year where she is
Among my D’s hs friends many are not 100% happy or even close. And they are sophomores. I think there is too much pressure for college to be “the best years of your life” where you make “lifelong friends.” I tell her if she lives to be 80 college will have been 5% of her life. Nothing is perfect. The academic and social pressure can take an emotional toll. Be a sounding board. Encourage her to find somethings she likes. If she feels better submitting transfer apps let her. Just knowing she might have options can help. Good luck.
“I kick myself for not having acted properly when the signs surfaced in the first year and still had the time, but now I’m afraid I lost the child permanently.”
This was alarming to me. Can you share any learning points? I just learned that my son has ADD and am amazed I didn’t see it earlier, like in high school. On the positive side, it is amazing he got into a good school with untreated ADD and feeling like “in a fog” all the time.
Many kids need some time to make friends and adjust to college life, 1 semester is not long enough. They also need to adjust to their often inflated expectations of College life. Give them time to figure that out on their own. Kids need to learn resilience to transform from kids to young adults. Go with the age old advise…stick it out, get involved, don’t give up, work on academics and if all else fails, I agree offering them to transfer soph year often can make them feel better just knowing they have an out and your support if they decide to do so. Let them know it is VERY common and there is nothing wrong with them. It works out 95% of the time, so the odds are in your favor!