Unlike Letter Before Ivy Day (Humor/Sarcasm or Attempt at It)

Applying to College
1

Dear XXX,

Thank you for your application to our undergraduate program. Applicants like yourself were responsible for increasing the total number of applications we received this year, and we are grateful.

Though the decisions will be officially announced on 31st March, I can tell you the current status of your application, which is that it is sitting in the reject pile. While this may appear like a discouraging news, again I want to thank you for applying to our highly prestigious university, which is working actively to increase the number of applicants and decrease the acceptance rate. In fact, applicants like you, easy to reject but nevertheless increasing our applicant count by 1, are best of both worlds for our admissions office. Tracking back, we can see how we aggressively sent you glossy envelopes inviting you to apply, and clearly it worked!.

I want, however, to let you know that all hope may not be lost. You might have heard that admissions are random, and indeed, occasionally files in our accept and reject piles get mixed up before admission results are posted. Moreover, we are yet to run the match against your parents names and our development office’s compiled list of high net-worth families. If a match is found, you certainly will be admitted.

In the meantime, if you have any questions, please feel free to call and leave a message. Calls from that number are not returned though.

Always Yours,
Dean of Admissions

2

LOL I like this post :slight_smile:

3

You have been denied! In your FACE!

We appreciate your enthusiasm for _____________ U,but at this point you look like a fool: not only did you pay us $75 to be rejected, but you did so even though there was little hope you would be accepted. Had you done your homework, you would have known that unless an applicant is hooked, we do not accept students with an ACT under 33, an SAT under 1450, or an unweighted GPA under 3.8. You are neither a URM nor a recruited athlete, you are not a close relative of someone writing us a check greater than one million dollars, and you are not the first generation in your family to go to college. Because of your lack of a hook, your 1430 SAT and 3.79 GPA just weren’t quite good enough – even though we will admit plenty of kids with inferior stats.

You will go online and complain about how unfair this is, but we get to design our class however we’d like. C’est la vie!

Best of luck at your nearby community college if you only applied to Schools Like Us.

Regards,

Dopie McAdcom
Selective U