<p>There you go. I said it. I am a controling mom. However, in my defense, I see my controlling as neccessary because I have a very bright, but unmotivated son. My strategy to date has been to nag him into doing his work, and remind him of long term projects and tests,etc. with the hopes that he will get into a good college and by that time be more mature and responsible toward his work. I have tried the "sink or swim" approach before and have stayed completely out of his school life, only to see his grades go downhill on roller skates. I have been afraid to let him flounder in high school, because by the time he wakes up, it will be to late to get into a good school. Now it is senior year. A few days ago he left the house with two different shoes on. He started his summer reading book the day before the test. He has several long term projects this fall. I'm afraid that they won't get done if I don't nag him. Right now his 3 year GPA, rank, and high SAT scores make him a good candidate for selective schools. Do I let him tank this semester of senior year or keep monitoring him? Obviously, I won't be there in college reminding him of deadlines, etc., but I least I won't have to witness his decline either. I don't think he will flunk out of college, because he has the natural ability to do the work, and he knows that if he gets bad grades he will have to come home in disgrace. What do you guys think? (btw the way he got 100% on the summer reading test. I was so annoyed because it reinforced his last minute mentallity!!)</p>
<p>He is who he is. He may "see the light" by next spring when he has to decide on which college to attend but right now you are dealing with a teenage boy who has different priorities than you. If I remember correctly, your son was limited to apply to 8 schools ( or I may be mixing you up with someone else.). I would apply to a variety of different type of solid schools. Within NYS- Binghamton or Buffalo-OOS U's like Maryland or Wisconsin and a decent LAC like Connec. College or Union. Then the remaining should be the selective schools where you and he think it would be a good match. You do not want him to be in an atmosphere to fail. By next September, he may "mature" and he will be more involved with his studies and will thrive in a competitive atmosphere. But until you know that for sure, you may want him to have some less competitive choices. That is just my opinion. Also I find with my own d, the more controlling I try to become, the less she does- so I am beginning to lean towards the sink or swim approach to life. But she seems to become more motivated as I become less involved. So I too am trying to back off. I'll be glad when this year is over. Also some kids just have different learning abilities. Some kids are able to do things at the last minute and everything works out ok. If that learning style works for him, you just have to accept it. Good luck. PS. - When I saw the title of the thread, I thought you were talking about me. You are not alone.</p>
<p>I have a similiar problem, but not about grades. My daughter gets very good grades, but does not join any activities at school. I told her that good grades is not enough. You have to show colleges that you are doing something at you school. She is a sophomore, so I guess there is time. How much do I push?</p>
<p>Thanks marny. We should start a support group. Unlike your d my s does not step up when I pull back. He goes on vacation. I think his college list is ok and has a good range fron safety to reach. We are sticking with mostly small LACs where maybe it is harder for him to hide being unprepared. Ofcourse it will be "sink or swim" in college. It is just getting there! I'm afraid to step back now so close to applications, but if I don't he might have a harder time in college...but if I do,maybe he won't get into the college of his choice... Is it June yet?</p>
<p>r. I don't think he will flunk out of college, because he has the natural ability to do the work, and he knows that if he gets bad grades he will have to come home in disgrace. What do you guys think? (btw the way he got 100% on the summer reading test. I was so annoyed because it reinforced his last minute mentallity!!)"</p>
<p>BTDT with good intentions, but disasterous results.</p>
<p>My older S is very similar to your S. He is brilliant, but disorganized, particularly when it came to school work. When he was a senior, I stood over S to make sure that he got applications in to colleges that he'd enjoy going to.</p>
<p>After S got accepted to his second choice college in Oct., he totally checked out of school, even told a teacher in class that he didn't need to do homework because "I have been accepted to college."</p>
<p>His grades deep sixed, we had to have a conference with all of S's teachers (S conveniently "didn't understand" that he was supposed to be there, too, so missed it, and cracked down on S -- making him study. He raised his grades, graduated with low honors, was accepted to all colleges that he applied to but one (an Ivy), and went off to a college that gave him major merit aid.</p>
<p>He then spent his college time partying and pursuing his favorite EC (which was academic, but still wasn't school work) and got the worst average I have ever seen. After freshman year, he never returned to college, and now lives far from home and supports himself with part time work.</p>
<p>If I were to do it again, I would not force him to do college apps nor would I have teacher conferences, etc. to make sure he did the work to graduate from h.s. If he didn't get his act together to apply to college, he could have stayed home and worked a job or gone to our local community college. That would have given him time to mature and grow up. </p>
<p>At his age, it would have been very hard for him to leave home with no real job and no experience getting an apartment, etc. </p>
<p>Anyway, I hope that my experience helps you. Sometimes the best thing that we can do for our kids is to stand back and let them feel the consequences of their own actions.</p>
<p>Northstarmom- Your honesty is inspiring! It sounds like you have done some acceptence, and with dignity!! I have learned through my sisters kids (who are older) sometimes they have to find their own way. I am sure your son is going to have a fine life, as he has such a wise mom!
p.s. Why are you on CC? LOL</p>
<p>NSM, thanks for sharing. Up to this point I have felt that I should do what I can to keep him on track,and if he self destructs in college, it is on him. At least he got in, and it is up to him to make the most of the opportunity. However, I know that what happened with your son can happen with mine. I wonder if I step back now if it will force him to "feel the consequences of his own actions" as in lower grades senior year. I just worry that if he does wake up and start to care, he might have already missed out on a good opportunity. I have stepped way back with other aspects of his life, (job, preparing for road test, etc.) But with school, it is hard to do with so much on the line. It goes against my A type personality, but I want to do what is best for my son, even if that means getting an ulcer while he plays video games. This is hard.</p>
<p>"I just worry that if he does wake up and start to care, he might have already missed out on a good opportunity."</p>
<p>That may happen. The pain and embarassment of that may also get him on track. He's young. He'll have many future good options -- if he gets his act together at a young age. This is not his last chance for great opportunities.</p>
<p>an article worth reading on procrastination is at <a href="http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap4/chap4r.htm%5B/url%5D">http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap4/chap4r.htm</a> While it may be embarassing to mention a pop-culture book on this forum, Dr. Phil's book "Family First" gives detailed advice on how you can negotiate with your children and change your approach from that of a nagging mom.</p>
<p>Also you might consider family counseling if you're unsatisfied with the dynamic at work in your family.</p>
<p>One of our kids sounds a lot like the OP's son. In general we try to stay away from nagging and let our kids find their own way about school work and tests. One of our kids, on his/her own, would let a lot slip and her/his grades would reflect this lack of effort. We don't want to nag/push the academics too much because, while we value education and learning greatly, we can not force our kids to share this value system ... and if we nag/push them in HS and they get into a college they would not have without our nagging and pushing they may pay a heavy price in college when they are on their own. We want them to learn from the consequences from their actions and, without having to wait for a pile of college rejections, fortunately this child is heavily into ECs ... so if you want to play on a team or join a band you need to have grades of this level. So far, so good ... we have set fairly high expectations while allowing our kids to find there way on how they want to meet those expectations ... if one of our kids ever decide they don't want a job or a EC than our master plan goes to pot!</p>
<p>Too early to say if this will work but here what I did with a son similar to yours. He strongly wanted to go to a school across the country and we let him. However - he footed the ENTIRE bill for the first semester (he has been working since he as 14). If he wants to blow it, so be it. It is his money and his opportunity. If he does well, we will gladly reimburse his expenses.</p>
<p>I agree with you in that I would also apply to those small lacs and schools with safety nets.</p>
<p>My son was similar to the OP's also. Senior year however, we let him sink or swim. He had to drive twice a week to retake Sophomore English one on one to overcome a D- he got while playing video games all night sophomore year. (We had taken away the cable to connect to the internet, and he had borrowed a cable from a friend and would play at night while we slept!).
He had to work really hard, had a chem tutor, and an SAT tutor. but we didn't tell him to do his work. He is now a student at University of Orgeon, does most of his work, and is actually much happier than when we nagged him. We are too. If by senior year they can't do the work without being nagged, they won't be able to do it as a freshman in college. I know it's hard to let them sink, but I think you have to. I would tell him that if he needs help to ask you, but otherwise he's on his own. And if he's not ready for a four year college now, let him go to community college, he will be well prepared and ready in a couple of years.</p>
<p>I am going to again chime in. I know a lot of people like LAC's because they think their kid will get more individualized attention. But for the kid who really hasn't found himself, or who has not developed an academic interest, might he not be better off at a larger university where there are so many choices?? Who knows maybe that spark will come from courses in the arts or tv production or astronomy. For my own kid, I think she would do better in a larger environment.</p>
<p>Although I do not have a directly parallel situation, I want to take off from NSM's tale and your concern that he may miss out on applying to college if you don't ride herd. Through a different set of circumstances, our grandS ended up with "nowhere to go and nothing to do" after hs. Never applied to college, no plans for a spiffy "gap year" etc. Had I been his mother, instead of stepgrandM, I very likely would have been where you are and done that job of controlling and pushing. As it was, there was no one in his life filling that "position."</p>
<p>gS ending up spending the year after hs as a minimum wage grocery store clerk. He was near enough to the majority of his friends who were at the pretty darn good state U to have a good view of how their lives and options compared to his. This experience was all he needed to be totally receptive to DH's offer that we would guide him through the college app process - if he wanted - and foot the bill. He jumped at the chance and with long distance "support services" from me (emailing links to commonapp etc.) he applied to the colleges of his choice. He is at his first choice now, motivated to do the work, toughing out the one course which is really challenging for him, grinning and bearing roommate problems, and moving forward.</p>
<p>Had someone pushed him through during senior year, I don't know that he would have had the motivation or staying power to work through the challenges of college and independence.</p>
<p>Better that he "sink" now rather than later imho.</p>
<p>Grabby title, huh? Look at all of us hopping on.</p>
<p>Here are two ideas to consider:</p>
<p>(1) Is ADD a factor? My "slacker" has had a rip-roaring start this year on the minimum dose of Ritalin. Most importantly, he is liking school, teachers, classes (last year "hated" everything.) There have been 3 tests: 100%, 100%, 100%. Two papers: A & B. No missed work. Agenda fully & neatly filled out. Backpack organized. Yes, I realize that it has only been three weeks but HEY! this is a BIG change at our house. One day he forgot to take the Ritalin. One glance at the agenda for that day and it was obvious in a "Flowers for Algernon" way. </p>
<p>(2) An alternative course between "sink or swim" vs "pushpushpush" might be to continue with the reminders for this year, but then to insist he take a gap year before starting college and do the apps during his gap year.</p>
<p>RE LACS: I agree with that instinct. Furthermore, I suggest a school with an open curriculum. I was MUCH more intellectually engaged during college than I had been in HS and I think a big factor was having the pure & total choice to take whatever classes most interested me.</p>
<p>Random beatings will continue until morale improves.</p>
<p>Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.</p>
<p>I have heard these two quotes from a controlling mom before.....more than once.</p>
<p>SBMOM thanks for sharing your story. I am leaning toward a middle ground between "sink or swim" and "pushpushpush." I'm trying to negotiate a truce: I won't ask about tests, quizzes etc. but he must have a plan for long term projects. I'm not going to make sure that he sticks to the plan, but if he at least has a time management plan for term papers, outside reading assignments etc, he won't completely forget about doing it. Also, when he gets to college, if he finds himself floundering and tries to get organized maybe he will remember all I told him about managing his time, writing down assignments etc.</p>
<p>Hazmat: Random beatings sound good. Is that what gotyou into the "Halls of Ivy"?</p>
<p>I think it was her way of telling both of us that many times there are things we just have to tolerate.....or things that we see people do that don't change a situation and from the outside look absurd. That kinda thing. No I don't think so.....once she drove a forgotten homework to me at school in 5th grade and she told me it was one-time-wonder......never to happen again. </p>
<p>Moms know they have to nag and kids know they can turn off the hearing. That is how I see it. Not that we don't know what you are talking about but sometimes less is more.</p>
<p>chammom-keep us posted how it's going. It will help some of us. I have one of those types myself. I go back and forth between micromanaging him and sink and swim. He is now at the age where he isn't so easy to micromanage anymore.
He has now watched his sister go off to college and he wants that for himself. Will the want be enough I don't know. We have over the years spent thousands on tutoring and support. He now has to decide that he wants to use the skills he has learned as I am not going to college with him. I have told him I will do whatever he wants to make it work but he needs to make some effort. He signed up for a PSAT class which surprised me. He asked if he could meet his Spanish tutor twice a week.
We have seen to many boys who have done the Northstarmom's Son route. Basically a waste of 40,000. The advice from someone who works with kids like this on a daily basis is that they really are best served going first to a community college with support. I don't know what the answer is. I think for us we will encourage a small school. I just think there is more likely someone who will notice if they sink. And if he wants a large school I don't know.
And onemorequestion- that is a great story about the internet cord. We also have taken the cords away when we go to bed. I curse the person who invented the x-box.</p>