Unusual Roommate Issue

Parents Forum
1

<p>I'm a veteran poster, but have registered under a new name just for this post in order to keep D's identity under wraps. </p>

<p>D's roommate is an odd duck, the oddest, in fact. Let's call her Elsie. Elsie is completely antisocial, with no friends or even acquaintances, and literally--yes, literally-- leaves the room only to briefly eat (by herself), use the bathroom, and go to class. D tried to draw her out and include her in activities at the start of the year, but was rebuffed. Elsie says she doesn't like people, period. She is minimally communicative--she'll respond to a question, but she never initiates or pursues a conversation. When she isn't sleeping, she is at her computer, wearing headphones, and closed up in her own world, though she frequently talks loudly to herself, reacting to what's on her screen. D will come into the room at any time of the day or evening to find Elsie staring at the screen, headphones on, usually with the curtains drawn. (I experienced this myself several times during Parents Weekend, and I can't tell you how creepy it was.) Of course there's no way D will invite others into the room under these circumstances--it's just too weird and uncomfortable. The girl has not a single personal item in the room--no photos, posters, knickknacks, nothing. Her bed looks like an Army cot--plain sheets and a dark blanket, no bedspread or comforter, certainly no stuffed animals or decorative pillows. (D's side of the room is decorated nicely, not that anyone ever sees it.) This doesn't seem to be a poverty issue--her father is a physician. She appears to have no hobbies or interests other then the computer, though she does talk to her family, frequently and at length (via Skype, of course). Elsie doesn't seem to be ether happy or sad--she's just kind of there. I suspect she is somewhere on the autism spectrum, but who knows?</p>

<p>D has shown infinite patience with this situation and has insisted that she can deal with it, trying to spend as much time as possible elsewhere. For a while I tried to put the best light on things by pointing out all the other types of horrible roommate situations that were possible, compared to which hers didn't seem so bad. But once I got the full brunt of it all during Parents Weekend, I realized how incredibly depressing D's housing situation is. (She is given to modest anxiety and depression herself--adequately medicated for these, but I know she would thrive far better and be generally much happier living in a more positive environment.) D finally lost it a couple of weeks ago when she returned to the room upset about something that had transpired earlier and in need of a friendly face and kind word, or at least a little privacy, only to encounter Elsie in the dark blathering aloud to herself at the computer. D went to the RA in tears. He was quite cognizant of Elsie's oddness--the whole floor knows--and agreed to talk to her about allowing D some occasional privacy in her room. (She now on rare occasions will study in the library.) He also suggested D find some friends in a double and ask if she could triple up---that seems to be to be a terrible imposition, and D can't imagine putting friends on the spot that way.</p>

<p>Now (and thank you for your patience if you've stayed with me this long!) D has met a girl she likes, let's call her Molly, who is in the process of being de-tripled and is scheduled to move into an empty spot in a double. (Molly doesn't know her prospective new roommate at all and wasn't given the chance to select her.) D is trying to figure out if there is some way to get Elsie to take the open spot so Molly can move into D's room instead. I frankly can't imagine how this can be engineered. I'm sure Elsie doesn't care where she lives or with whom, but it's still hard to picture having that conversation. And then there's the obvious ethical issue of sticking the unknown girl with Elsie--though the girl has no clue or choice about who is going to move in anyway. D plans to present this idea to the RA and see what kind of reaction she gets.</p>

<p>So folks, what are your thoughts on this? Should D just grit her teeth and bear it for 6 more months? Is her proposed solution a mistake? Any clever ideas about how else she can improve her situation? Does the Housing Office owe her a less bizarre living situation? Right now I feel so bad for D, to say nothing of the fact that I feel like we deserve an Elsie discount on her room charges!</p>

2

<p>My condolences to your daughter. As the parent of an Aspie (probably like Elsie) who also wears headphones at the computer, the forced relationships (roommate or even sibling) can often at times be difficult to explain. </p>

<p>I doubt that you can force a relocate on Elsie. Most likely, the only way out is to request a transfer for your daughter. That may take some time as they are still de-tripling. Usually this takes priority.</p>

<p>I can understand the loniless she is feeling, but let’s face it, Elsie is not the worst roomate your D could have pulled. CC is full of stories of students who have no idea of how to share a common living space with antics (slobs, sexile, outrageous hours, borrowing things, etc.) that far exceed the unresponsive nature of Elsie. </p>

<p>Your daughter is in need of friends and support. She will have to seek them in other dorm rooms and just look at her space as a place to sleep and study in quiet (than goodness Elsie wears headphones). </p>

<p>Wish I could offer more.</p>

3

<p>Wait, why is D not inviting people into her room? It does sound like Elsie is on the autism spectrum, and so? Elsie doesn’t decorate her side of the room like D does, and so? It’s not Elsie’s responsibility to be D’s best friend. It sounds like Elsie has enough problems to deal with. I don’t see why she deserves to be kicked out of her room just because she’s not the head cheerleader.</p>

4

<p>I wouldn’t feel good about sticking the unsuspecting other room with this withdrawn roomie and if your D pursues this she might not be so popular with those who got stuck with Elsie.</p>

<p>If there are some occasional empty spots in doubles can your D try to move to one? If she does then maybe eventually someone else will get assigned to Elsie’s room but that would be the college doing it - not your D. If she can’t get into a double can she get into a triple - perhaps the spot Molly’s vacating? If that college charges a lower rate for a triple, as they should, then maybe some of the other students wouldn’t mind having to stay in the triple versus the newly made double.</p>

<p>If none of that works I’d make frequent contacts with the RA and maybe the RD to campaign for another room.</p>

<p>If your D ends up stuck where she is she should quit walking on eggshells and start using her room like a normal student would. She should feel free to invite others over, open the drapes, etc. Maybe she’ll get lucky and it’ll annoy Elsie enough that she’ll try to move elsewhere on her own volition or at least spend more time elsewhere. Maybe Elsie won’t actually care and will just stay focused on her computer with her headphones on. Regardless, your D should use her own room as she sees fit and as one normally would.</p>

<p>I feel bad for your D and hope she finds a good resolution.</p>

5

<p>OMG…that is truly weird!</p>

<p>I can understand the problem with suggesting that Elsie be the one to move. That’s an awkward suggestion. And, like you said, it’s almost unfair to stick Elsie with another unsuspecting student (kind of passing the lemon)</p>

<p>It is possible for your D to moved someplace, even if it isn’t with Mollie?</p>

<p>at a minimum, can your D request a roomie change to take place after the semester ends? I imagine that there will be some kids that won’t return (there are always “some” kids that don’t come back).</p>

<p>I had a weird roomie once, but she was tooooo social (in bed, if you get my drift).</p>

6

<p>Eons ago I was a RA. Suffice to say, as RA for freshmen I had no control of roommate situations unless someone was in physical danger. I was responsible to report situations to RD, but for the most part there was an assumption that freshmen needed to work thru adjusting to college life, including roommate issues. Logic was to minimize knee-jerk reactions in room changes because kids were still settling in.<br>
If things still work the same today I HIGHLY recommend your D request RA go with her to speak to RD/housing. </p>

<p>Does housing owe her a change? NO. Should D just grit her teeth for 6 more months? NO! The squeaky wheel gets the grease.</p>

<p>Now is certainly the time to push the situation. Some 1st year students will decide to drop out over Thanksgiving/Christmas breaks which may open a spot for D. Molly sounds like a great way to go, but it may not be the only way.</p>

7

<p>It’s weird, but it’s not the end of the world. Elsie’s not the social butterfly your D is, but she has a right to live her life the way she wants. Your D seems to be coping and it doesn’t sound like it’s really cramping her social life or her study habits. Sure it would be better if her roomie was a little more social, but she’s not doing anything against the law or against housing rules and she clearly wants to act the way she’s acting, so there isn’t much you can do. </p>

<p>I would advise that you not get involved definitely. If your D can work it out with the housing office, great (though I do think it’s a little selfish and cruel to stick some unsuspecting person with Elsie on purpose). If she can’t, well, it’s not that long until the end of the semester. If your D feels like the situation is oppressive, she should just start acting more directly. Bring friends, open the curtains, do her own thing and just ignore Elsie. If she’d rather not create the awkwardness or the drama, then she’ll just have to make do.</p>

8

<p>My son has an incredibly quiet roomie too. This roomie doesn’t seem to have Asperger’s, it’s just that he studies all the time. He never, ever socializes. My son just tends to leave the room and hang out with other kids down the hall. It isn’t great, especially b/c this roomie goes to bed so early and my son feels too guilty to even be in his room just to study. It’s hard, and I wish it was easier, but that’s how it is.</p>

<p>Then I have an older son who has Asperger’s. Like Elsie, he also uses his computer endlessly to watch videos. He just watches skateboard videos over and over and over. He probably drove his roommate crazy too. But I know my son was actually very lonely and really wanted his roommate to invite him to join him at a meal. It was actually a very difficult time for him and he transferred after that year. I know also he would have had a very difficult time transitioning to another room, so I don’t recommend you ask Elsie to do that. Your D needs to change, don’t impose that on Elsie.</p>

<p>One positive you mentioned: your D has a buddy named Molly. At least there’s that.</p>

9

<p>I’m still not seeing what the problem is here, other than that D doesn’t like her roommate, who is almost certainly autistic. But how would that justify the college throwing the roommate out of the room? The roommate is not responsible for entertaining D, and as far as I can tell, D could have people in her room if she wanted; Elsie is doing nothing to prevent that.</p>

<p>Don’t worry. Elsie’s autistic cooties are not catching.</p>

10

<p>I also don’t understand why your daughter feels uncomfortable inviting people into her room. It’s her room, too, and she should have visitors if she wants to. If Elsie sits at her computer and ignores what’s happening on your daughter’s side of the room, I don’t think that’s a problem. </p>

<p>Having your daughter request a room change seems to make sense to me.</p>

11

<p>Perhaps someone in a triple might prefer to be in a double, even if it is with Elsie. Perhaps your D would be willing to go from a double with Elsie to a triple without Elsie? That way nobody would have any surprises.</p>

12

<p>I agree, Smithie. This is just the sort of thing that we parents want to jump in and help with. But it’s also the sort of thing they need to start learning to negotiate on their own.</p>

<p>OP, since your D is not in danger of any kind (and it would be a completely different story if she were!), then you might want to step back and let her sort through it by herself. I speak from current experience when I say that once they are convinced we’re not going to rush in and rescue them, they become surprisingly adept at finding solutions. Be supportive and sympathetic, but let her wrestle with it on her own. I bet she’ll come up with something.</p>

13

<p>Good advice LasMa. have you been reading that thread about helicopter parents?</p>

14

<p>I think it is reasonable to take this issue to someone in Student Services regarding looking for a transfer later this year out of the double room. I think it is unfair to any student to not have the courtesy of some coaching and some basic explanation of her roommate’s issues, which sound like Asperger’s spectrum issues. And I think a single room is not unreasonable for Elsie if she likes to verbalize out loud to the computer…although I would hope that the RAs would work with the hall to be as inclusive as possible and to initiate with a student on the spectrum who might need coaxing to join in some activities now and then. I hope your daughter can move out this semester and that she will do it as kindly as possible. Elsie has not done anything untoward or deliberately negative: she is just put together differently. Both of my son’s male friends with Aspergers who just started college requested and got private rooms along with a few other student services for academic adaptations. </p>

<p>I will add that my other son did an overnight at his college as a senior in high school on accepted students days…and someone who I think ( I saw him 2x) has Aspergers finally showed up to get my son. He made zero eye contact the entire time, said a few odd things, stated he was “forced at the last minute to get a prefrosh as a joke” and he appeared to have been misused by upperclassmen who forced him to come over and pick up my son when they had other fish to fry. He walked three paces ahead of my son, never looking back and left him with no key in the dorms saying he would be back by 3am. My son still chose to attend this college and saw this student always alone many times over four years although he was never spoken to by him again. It is really not that uncommon to land in this position I guess is my point–in colleges today. We were more affected by this than was the odd and socially impaired upperclassman. </p>

<p>My son–a freshman in college this year befriended a guy with Asperger’s in his grade. It bothered him to see him pacing in the cafeteria and alone and at loose ends outside of class. Because he could be very didactic in class and start esoteric arguments with teachers, the students avoided him. No one ever explained to my son’s classmates what this friend’s handicap entailed which I thought was a huge disservice to all. Asperger’s people are not all alike and each has certain strengths and vulnerbilities.</p>

<p>There were many good guys in my son’s class who might have learned something and been generous at times but for privacy reasons I suppose, his diagnosis went unexplained for four years. His Aspie friend does not drive. My son picks him up for some school events and when my son is in town he arranges to go to the movies or out with him at least once. This is not a do gooder enterprise. This classmate has a solid moral compass, is exceedingly whimsical at times and clever, is a passionate if quirky learner, and is quite interesting although his lack of social skills make him very isolated from his peers in high school and in college. Although it is difficult to tell how reciprocal this friendship is, my son experiences it as a two way friendship and is sometimes surprised when his friend with Aspergers does make “contact.” For example, my son is sometimes a daydreamer, and his friend suddenly ran out and stopped the school bus my son was about to miss and asked the driver to wait one more minute for my son. My son had no idea that his Asperger friend even realized which bus he road. He was quite surprised to find his Aspie friend singlehandedly holding the bus for him.<br>
I think the key is to continue on with being very civil to Elsie and to not indulge in a lot of complaining or gossiping about her while waiting for an alternative double or single to open up. Many students have roommates who are problematic. Elsie’s behaviors are problematic for your D but certainly not a crisis. I am sure your daughter is also an insightful and good person who might have made overtures to Elsie as a hall mate but I don’t think kids should be drafted into full time in this roommate role with no information or relief.</p>

15

<p>The difference is that your D got stuck with Elsie as a matter of chance. She didn’t know she would be a bad roommate, housing didn’t know she would be a bad roommate (these things don’t come across in a housing survey). It was an accident of fate. </p>

<p>If your D tries to engineer a swap with Molly’s future roommate, she’s knowingly throwing some other girl under the bus to improve her own situation. She knows Elsie’s no good, and she’s willing to have someone else suffer so she can get out. It just seems a little inconsiderate of Molly’s future roommate, that’s all. </p>

<p>Now if Molly’s roommate was looking to get away from Molly and D was looking to get away, or if D applies for a switch with housing and housing switches in someone else at random, that’s a different story. </p>

<p>Anyway, it’s hard sometime when roommates aren’t compatible and when they see each other’s behavior as “weird” but that’s part of living with roommates. D seems to be coping, she’ll probably survive till the end of the semester in the worst case scenario. Best case scenario, housing switches her out to a new room.</p>

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<p>Thanks, Faline2–you get it. I do wonder whether Elsie’s parents had any hesitation about putting their daughter in a double room. If anyone threw someone under the bus, it was them. I do agree that inflicting Elsie on someone else is not the proper answer, tempting as it may be, and just emailed D to that effect.</p>

<p>You want to know the ironic thing? D worked with autistic kids for four years, and her college essay was about a boy, profoundly autistic, who she got very close to. Last summer she was a camp counselor at a camp that accepts some kids on the spectrum, assigning them a one-on-one counselor, and she has requested that job next summer. She herself has a learning disability (NVLD, which some consider to be on the way far end of the spectrum–so yes, Cardinal Fang, I’m aware no cooties are involved) and also has ADHD. She has had her own struggles and is very empathetic and kind to anyone who is at all “different”. If Elsie had been at all susceptible to her overtures, D would have knocked herself out getting her to attend events and share meals, but how hard can one push in the face of “I don’t like people”? She’s not a professional, after all.</p>

<p>D really did try to accept with her situation and carry on–kept telling me it was fine, fine–and only finally wilted last week. I think she just got worn down, and when something else in her life became stressful, she realized how much the situation had depleted her emotionally. I will urge her to try for a transfer, though she is understandably paranoid about the possibility of going from the frying pan into the fire–that’s why rooming with Mollie, a known quantity, is so appealing.</p>

17

<p>

</p>

<p>No, I didn’t know there was one – must go find it!</p>

<p>My comment to the OP comes from our experience with D this semester. Very early on, we stopped giving her suggestions simply because they were rejected out-of-hand. Love and general support were all she would accept from us, although she welcomed those. After a very rocky start, she is suddenly turning things around, and she’s doing it without any help from us. I have been impressed by her new-found ability to take care of her business without my assistance, reminders, proddings – heck, without my even knowing about it.</p>

<p>One thing I have clung to is the message that we heard repeatedly during Orientation: “Trust your child.” It seems they really are capable of handling most situations, provided we can resist the admittedly powerful urge to get involved.</p>

18

<p>Excellent post Faline2</p>

<p>Best of luck to Ch-magic’s D</p>

19

<p>I wonder… if Molly and one of her current roomies wouldn’t mind staying tripled, perhaps a different member of that trio could un-triple in her place, and chinchilla-gal could triple with Molly and the other roomie. Sounds a bit far-fetched, but maybe worth chinchilla-gal politely checking.</p>

20

<p>Chinchillamagic ~ Having gone through a similar situation with our D many years ago, I can tell you that housing will not force Elsie to move. They will be willing to work with your D who is the one requesting action of some kind. My D would have loved to have stayed in her room - she loved the dorm and loved her hall mates. But the roommate issues became intolerable. D worked her way up the chain of command from RA on up and she did not stop as her grades were starting to suffer. As Longhaul said, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. They fiinally found D a single and it worked out perfectly for her. </p>

<p>If this is affecting your D that much now, she must continue up the chain, advocating for herself. Her mental and emotional state will suffer, and like my D, possibly her grades. Your D sounds like she has empathy for Elsie, has tried to include her, but sometimes your D must do what is best for herself.</p>