“Roommates!”-Problems- Calling Parents, Educators and Counselors...Please!

Parents Forum
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<p>“Roommates!!!”-Problems- Calling Parents, Educators and Counselors...Please!</p>

<p>A friend of mine called me yesterday night worried to the maximum potential. So I couldn't sleep thinking this could happen to any family.</p>

<p>This is the problem:
Kids ABC & Z share the same university quarters. Kids ABC are dedicated, responsible and interested in their studies. Kid "Z" in her second semester is involved in alcohol and drugs (This kid work, needy of affection...) Had missed several days of classes because is doing the wrong activities during the weekend. Kid Z said it is no longer interested in classes and told kids ABC about her emotional problems, and long history of depression and medication. It seems she has hallucinated too. </p>

<p>The first reaction of kids ABC was to be compassionate: They advised kid Z to talk with the mother (Kid Z responded that the Mom will be furious and will place Kid Z in a place Kid Z does not want to go), they talk about religion and good effect (Kid Z said to hate when people talk about religion to resolve problems, Kids ABC told "Z" to not move from the room...that could work thing through (In my opinion big mistake, however I understand how young kids sympathize with other kids with problems). Now kid Z is not speaking with kids AB&C.</p>

<p>I immediately imagine the worse:</p>

<p>-Any of those kids AB & C in kid "Z" car and getting in problems.
-Kids A, B, & C informing authorities and then they will become part of the investigation only for informing.
-Kids ABC considered at snitch (New misunderstanding of this term: "snitch" is being spun by unknown parties to say the community is becoming afraid to report/testify on crime in general.)
-Kid Z becoming aggressive...
-Danger of living with Kid Z who is taking medication, drugs and alcohol...</p>

<p>I COULDN'T sleep imagining all those scenarios.</p>

<p>SOLUTIONS: I started in this order, but I'm too close to my friend feeling her pain and my analytical skill has become cloudy. I really appreciate your perspectives></p>

<p>-That kid ABC ask kid "Z" to leave the room: Sound cruel for Kids ABC considering the reaction of sympathy (they have bonded for a semester), but maybe still an option.</p>

<p>-That my friend calls the parents of kids BC and share and discuss the situation.</p>

<p>-That the authorities be involved: The problem is that the name of kids ABC will be part of a report as a consequence.</p>

<p>-Finally this morning I was thinking that my friend's kid ask to be moved to another room without giving reasons. The problem with this is that my friend's kid likes the residence where they are which has the best location and the university is short of spaces. My friend's kid has no car.</p>

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<p>If the roommate is having major mental health problems now: serious depression, hallucinations, etc., the student whose rooming with that ill person needs to let the Dean of Students know because a life may be at stake. </p>

<p>I had to do this for my college roommate, who was depressed, and asked me if I’d be willing to push her out of our 18th floor dorm window. I told the Dean of Student, who called in my friend to assess her. My friend was angry at me, but decades later, my friend is still alive. That’s not the case for the student who the next year jumped out of an 18th floor window in that same dorm.</p>

<p>I think that its more important to let college authorities know than the student’s parents because the college authorities are on site.</p>

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<p>Okay, let’s just pretend that kid Z is being incredibly dramatic and not in “trouble” at all…just a big partier who needs a LOT of attention, in that case? She is putting way too much worry on the shoulders of everyone around her and, at the very least, NEEDS the consequences of having the school authorities called in to investigate so that she will understand the severity of the stories she is telling.</p>

<p>OTOH, if she is really in that kind of emotional distress, she NEEDS to have the college authorities called in to get her the help she requires.</p>

<p>Either way, the school authorities are required, because the other roommates can’t help someone like this.</p>

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<p>Kids ABC have done nothing wrong. So what if they become part of the investigation? They seem to have a legitimate concern for both themselves and for Z. Agree that the college authorities should be brought in on this.</p>

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<p>Agree, if Z were drinking and drugging and generally putting themself in a position to fail out and ABC could stay out of the fray maybe nothing would need to be done and ABC could move on the next semester away from Z. However, if Z is seriously at a risk for hurting himself/herself or worse AB and C need to start up the chain of command pronto.</p>

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<p>It is very difficult to accept that these 3 kids are living with a person with those types of problems without worrying about: Depression prescribed medication, alcohol and probably drugs…and that the student is missing classes to recover from the party weekends. It is not acceptable and will worry any parent greatly! </p>

<p>I know it is three more month to endure…but that’s like an eternity full of worries…probably for the other students and much more for the parents.</p>

<p>Thanks to all of you, Northstarmom, poetgrl, momlove, momofthreeboys, for the suggestions</p>

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<p>Wait, “probably” drugs? You’re not sure that she’s taking medication not prescribed for her then? Of course, she shouldn’t be taking anti-depressants and drinking, and she shouldn’t be underage drinking at all, but I’m sure that she’s not alone in the drinking behavior among other kids at her school at least. </p>

<p>I think you just need to put this in a little perspective. As a parent, it’s hard to admit you dont’ have control over a situation, especially when you are concerned your child might suffer. However, you really don’t have control in this situation. All you can do is try to support your D and encourage her to go with her roommates to the Dean of Students, the head of residence life, or the RA in their dorm and report the behavior. Remind them that this girl is sick and that staying in her room isn’t going to help her, only professional help can assist her. Even then however, probably the most these officials can do is encourage the student in quesiton to get help, they usually can’t force her to see a counselor. Neither can the parents of ABC, neither can her own mother. </p>

<p>For now, your D is more or less safe. She doesn’t seem to be getting sucked into this girl’s lifestyle, and yes, the girl may be sleeping off her hangovers and missing class, but that’s her own fault and she will suffer the consequences, not your D. </p>

<p>If ABC won’t go the Dean of STudents/RA route, then they’ll have to hold on for the next three months.</p>

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<p>I am amazed at how a 18 to 20 year old will manfully (womanfully?) try to deal with a situation on his/her own that would bring any 50 year old to his/her knees. </p>

<p>What if you came home and spouse was like Z? First thing you would do is call it five alarm situation. Help! Calvary! Get medical evaluation, Get family advice, Get friend’s advice, . . but don’t just hope it will go away. </p>

<p>Z’s parents need to know ASAP that daughter is not doing well. It is not a “fink” to say “Z is not going to class and we are worried. Please come evaluate”. ABC don’t need to give gory details – but hope is not a plan . . .</p>

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<p>I honestly have to say that the college students will handle this fine on their own. College is a great opportunity to learn how to handle tough situations and this is one of them. They’ll handle it fine on their own.</p>

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[quote]
It is very difficult to accept that these 3 kids are living with a person with those types of problems without worrying about: Depression prescribed medication, alcohol and probably drugs…and that the student is missing classes to recover from the party weekends. It is not acceptable and will worry any parent greatly![\quote]</p>

<p>Not this parent. I would be very worried for student Z, and frankly the last thing I would be worried about is my ABC child. I would be STRONGLY encouraging my child to seek out the support of counsellors at the college to assist. They are experienced with this and can help Z. I would go so far as to say it’s ethically imperative that they inform those that can help Z.</p>

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<p>Look, I don’t want to underplay the dangers of abusing alcohol and drugs, because that’s not a good thing to do, but on the flip side the roomies are probably not in danger of anything other slipping in a puddle of vomit. Kid Z isn’t going to turn into an axe murderer overnight. Really. </p>

<p>My advice is to quit worrying. Z will probably either flunk out or get a wake up call after grades go out.</p>

<p>I would encourage Z to seek counseling, for Z’s own safety.</p>