Urgent Parental Problem

Chance Me / Match Me!
1

<p>How does this URGENT PARENTAL PROBLEM affect my chances presented in this thread?--></p>

<p><a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=66200%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=66200&lt;/a> </p>

<p>Throughout my high school career my mother has always been restrictive on what I've been allowed to do and not do in the acedemic sector. For example, one of my deep passions is debate, but in the 9th grade she didn't let me take debate because it required bus traveling which she was afraid of. Not until a summer of begging afterward did she let me start taking it in the 10th grade. This has also happened throughout grade school when my mother has refused to let me go on field trips and such because it required mandatory bus travel. There are lots more of little stories I could share but they aren't pertinent to the heart of this problem. </p>

<p>Recently, she has found out I plan on applying to an Ivy League. She DOES NOT want me to go at all because she fears my removal from Oklahoma. So (in addition to hiding all college mail and financial aid packets from me that come in the mail), once she figured out that doing well in debate by qualifying for state was one of my plans to help myself get into an Ivy League, she refused not only to let me go to the Dallas Debate Institute over winter break which I had planned on going since this August, but she also refused to let me attend the contest hosting the topic I had spent literally 30+ hours a week on for over a month in advance. Because my public school only went to three debate contests this year in total, I was banking on that third chance to qualify in my preparation pattern. Thus, because the Harvard EA application is due October 1st (I believe) of this year, I will have no chance of qualifying for State in debate beforehand, and as far as Harvard will know I didn't do didly-squat to prepare for debate like I should of. Also note that debate for me this year was Extra-Curricular. </p>

<p>Just recently I had got accepted into JSA Georgetown Session I (a political science summer school). She had told me not to apply to this as she woudln't let me go, but I felt I had to...so I applied anyway. When I got accepted, she freaked out and demanded that I rip the acceptance letter into shreds. She just recently called JSA and cancelled my attendance plans EVEN THOUGH I HAVE ENOUGH MONEY MYSELF TO PAY FOR IT.</p>

<p>Now she is threatening to cancel my chance to Page for a U.S. Representative this summer as well (this has been something I have wanted to do for over two years). I'm scared. My debate hook is gone...my political hook is almost gone... I'm not sure Harvard is going to believe me when I tell them that my opportunities have been squashed by my mom and that's why I don't have as many nationally-recognized E.C.'s as I should...so I don't know what to do. How is this going to affect my chances for acceptance? I've been trying to develop different ways around the problem, such as loading up on independent study material and trying to think of as many local opportunities as possible I can take advantage of. Keep in mind, everything I've been doing of late has been a workaround of my pure intentioned but nevertheless college-obstructive mother (whom I love very much btw).</p>

<p>NOTE: I wrote this in a panicked manner about 30 seconds after I found out she cancelled JSA so there's probably errors-a-plenty in the post.</p>

2

<ol>
<li><p>Do you have any adult friends or relatives who can intervene for you with your mom?</p></li>
<li><p>What exactly is your mom concerned about? Is she afraid that if you leave Okalahoma, you'll never bother to see her again? If you can listen to her fears and reassure her, that might help. </p></li>
</ol>

<p>Does your mom have friends? A job? Activities that she enjoys or does she rely on only you for friendships, companionship, etc.? If you are everything to her, it is time for you to encourage and help her to stretch her wings by getting involved in something else that also brings her fulfillment.</p>

<p>Is it possible for you and your mom to go into counseling? From what you describe, the situation may only become worse as your time to go to college approaches. Thus, family counseling might help your mom learn to appropriately separate from you. </p>

<p>I suggest posting also on the Parent's Forum so you can get some other adult viewpoints.</p>

3

<p>The sooner you get help, the better. A year ago, there was a student on CC whose parents totally sabotaged his plans to go to Cornell. This included turning off his alarm so he didn't get up in time to take the SAT.</p>

<p>You're in a very difficult situation, and I wish you the best.</p>

4

<p>
[quote]
1. Do you have any adult friends or relatives who can intervene for you with your mom?

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I've tried this more than once. She gets stubborn and prideful and knows exactly what I've tried to do. Of course, she proceeds to deny any intervention attemps and it never has worked.</p>

<p>
[quote]
2. What exactly is your mom concerned about? Is she afraid that if you leave Okalahoma, you'll never bother to see her again? If you can listen to her fears and reassure her, that might help.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I've tried resassuring her by telling her over and over that by helping me get into the college I want is the best way to express her love for me. To answer the former part of the question, she feels that she wants to always be with me and have the chance to see me if she feels like it (which is why she wants me to go in state). She also thinks she "knows" that if I go to Harvard, I'm going to realize how "horrible" Oklahoma is and never return. This is completely false. I've told her over and over that just because I want to get a good education somewhere else does not mean I'm going to contribute to the brain drain of this state. Admitingly I want to go into either law or politics when I'm older so I'm very determined to stay in this State.</p>

<p>
[quote]
Does your mom have friends? A job? Activities that she enjoys or does she rely on only you for friendships, companionship, etc.? If you are everything to her, it is time for you to encourage and help her to stretch her wings by getting involved in something else that also brings her fulfillment.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>She has friends, but no job. The activities she enjoys aren't enough I guess to distract her from worrying so much about me. I'd like to stress again that her intentions are 100% PURE. She wants me to stay because she loves me, but what I've tried to do is convince her that helping me go where I want to go in life is the way to express her maternal love for her child. Also, on the counseling mentioned above, my mother would NEVER do this (I can say this with certainty after living with her for 17 years).</p>

<p>Also, that's a very chilling/interesting storry Northstarmom. I guess I'll see if that post is still alive on this forum (or similar posts) and see how this problem can be delt with. This is very nerve-racking and I'm beginning to see my hopes dry up and die before me.</p>

5

<p>If a loving parent is totally stubborn about your taking an action that you feel is against your best interest, and if that parent refuses counseling, etc., then you may have to literally break with the parent for a while.</p>

<p>When I taught college, one of my top students had gone to the college over his living parents' objections. They were convinced that the college (which he had selected for very thoughtful reasons) would never "allow him to meet the movers and shakers of the world." They threatened to disown him over his selection and for his last several months of high school stopped speaking to him.</p>

<p>He accepted the college -- and its major merit aid. Because his parents refused to sign, he also explained his situation to the college, and told him that he would sign for himself over the summer when he turned 18. The college allowed this and also reserved dorm space for him.</p>

<p>When it was time to go to college, his parents still weren't speaking to him, and they refused to help him get to the college. Despite not having a car, he got there on his own.</p>

<p>He became one of the most outstanding students in the college's history. This included his: getting to meet the president of the U.S. twice at press conferences that the student participated in;' winning a national column writing article about how he chose the college over his parents objections; and becoming the first student out of that college to be hired by a certain major Fortune 500 company, where he now works in a very respected position.</p>

<p>By the time he had graduated, his parents so realized the error of their ways that they threw him a graduation party, invited his friends and professors, and his father publicly apologized for trying to get the student to go elsewhere.</p>

<p>So, depending on your situation, you may need to take drastic action if your mom continues to go to such extremes to obstruct your reaching for what sound like very thoughtful goals. Sadly, too, by clinging to you with a suffocating grip, she also may be driving you permanently away from Oklahoma. </p>

<p>It really is so sad that some people don't know the difference between loving their kids and being overly controlling.</p>

6

<p>One last suggestion: Even if she refuses to go to counseling, you could go to counseling yourself with a licensed therapist experienced with working with teens with these kind of issues. You need all of the wise advice and support that you can get, and I recommend that you go to counseling even if you have to pay for it yourself.</p>

7

<p>call The Police</p>

<p><em>listens to String & The Police</em></p>

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<p>I agree with Northstarmpm that you need to seek help. I fear you'll wake up at college in Oklahoma one morning and realize you hate your mother.</p>

<p>No matter how loving, what your mother is doing is unhealthy and harmful. Sounds like she has many fears she needs to face.</p>

<p>It's not that I think a Harvard won't believe you, I just think it won't matter to them why you have not accomplished things. You need to deal with this before more good things pass you by. Good luck.</p>

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<p>Remember, Oklahoma state is OK. ;)</p>

<p>If you write a passionate letter to Harvard, and hopefully make the adcoms tear up... you will get accepted.</p>

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<p>To be realistic your mom has an illness. And if she doesn't do sth about it, it will only worsen. My mom is kind of like that too. Always worried that the plane will explode (when we travel) or that we will get in a car crash or something. Talk to an adult you know and 'make' her go to a docter. I am not trying to scare you but there are many patients with this type of disorder who either killed him/herself or killed his/her love ones...</p>

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<p>Vehement is the man. I wanna meet you all at Harvard</p>

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<p>haha Harvard? Maybe if I made a 1 billion donation. Perhaps I can hold a job at the harvard cafeteria...lol</p>

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<p>I don't want it to sound like my mom is the only thing obstructing my "path to Harvard". The even bigger obstruction is myself. Even if I had accomplished everything I had wanted to in these last few years, Harvard wouldn't have been the only reach for me (Cornell would of been more in my league). Harvard is just symbolic to the sunset over the hill in my youthful years (all of my political heroes went there). </p>

<p>Knowing that I never had a decent chance to begin with, and since I'm not going to get to do these national E.C.'s I had hoped to do...what chance do I have now? I guess I'm going to have to think of some amazing local stuff to do over these next 120 days.......</p>

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<p>Vehement -
Harvard - good place for grad school.</p>

<p>GeorgeS -
NSM's pretty much said it all. My only comment is that you could print descriptions of programs that are of interest to you that are available at other colleges but not Oklahoma. Leave them around for her to read. Written information can be less confrontational than conversations... the message might slip in a bit. </p>

<p>I wasn't allowed to apply to Radcliffe back in the day - couldn't afford it. I probably would not have been accepted, but it still annoys me. Best of luck to you.</p>

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<p>OU has full ride scholarships for NMS. You could do much worse than getting your undergrad degree for free, and going to any grad school you can get into. Remember, once you turn 18, you can do anything you want on your own nickle. You might try gently reminding your mother of that fact. You can always transfer as well.</p>

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<p>If you want to go to a higher ranked college than OU, there are plenty additional choices beside Harvard. You do not have to put all of your eggs in one basket. You do, however, have to decide whether you have the guts enough to do your best to pursue your dreams. From what I've seen of middle aged and older people who never attempted to reach their dreams, if one doesn't start reaching for the stars at your age, it can be very hard to do so later.</p>

<p>People expect 17, 18 and 19 year old people to not know everything and to make "stupid" mistakes as they try something new. The older one gets, though, the higher the bar is when it comes to others' tolerance for one's ignorance or lack of experience.</p>

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<p>And I thought my mother was a nutcase....</p>

<p>Sorry that I cannot really help you, but I feel your pain/embarrassment.</p>

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<p>your situation would be good for writing your college essays.....anyway....</p>

<p>there was this one kid in my neighborhood that i knew who had the same problem as you, but i think his was worse. he was a genius and both his parents wanted him to go to community college. He got like a 1570 on his SAT's and was like rank 3 in his class. he knew his parents had this problem so he always lied to them about whatever he did like saying he was playing football at a friends house when he was really studying for ap tests and/or going to debate club like you. When he took the psat's, he told his parents he was sleeping over his friends house and would come back the next afternoon, when he stayed over a friends house and went to take the psat's the next morning. he did really well on the psat and took the sat is january. his parents finally figured out that he was a genius and going behind their back when he started getting college letters from like MIT and other top universitys. his parents began to beat him and even tried to get him to fail his second half of his junior year, just so he wouldnt be able to graduate of something, by throwing away his school books and stuff. he told his parents to go to counseling and they got mad at him and beat him more. he went and called the counselor anyway and told him to come to their house and then he called the cops to come while the counselor was there and then told his parents when the cops came that if they beat him again he will get them arrested. from then on, his parents took counseling for the summer and his whole senior year and the parents problems were similar to your parents problems.....they feared that when he grows up he thinks he will be to good for them and will never come back and instead of being happy of thier son, they were jealous of him that he was probably smarter than them in the 5th grade than they were at 40 years old. Strange, isnt it?</p>

<p>it turned out for him that counseling didnt change his parents mind and that his parents would not help him at all pay for college unless it is a community college. he then told people in the neighborhood about his problem and they all donated money for his cause and raised money for him w/ fund raisers...etc. I'm not sure exactly whre he went cause he got into alot of places but with the money he got, we was able to pay off most of his first years tuition with that money and some scholorships and stuff. For him, from what i know of now, he was so angry and ashamed with his parents that he did indeed never comeback to visit his parents, but did comeback to the state to visit friends.</p>

<p>this is just another situation that happened similar to yours. you might be able to get some info from this but it does seem alot more serious that your situation. I dont think that you should let your mom ruin everything for you. whats your dad's opinion on this sitution? you shouldnt let your moms "problem" stop you from success and i think that you should tell your problem to family friends and some local people you are close to. maybe they can convince your mom to go to counseling. i dont think you will need the cops in your situation. Good luck, this is a tough situation. </p>

<p>Even if this didnt help, pretend it did cause this is probably the biggest post i ever made.</p>

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<p>Studyhard, Whoa, that is extreme. Parents can be so embarrassing sometimes, but that is out of this world.</p>