US News on Helicopter Parents

Parent Cafe
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"Helicopter," "hovercraft," "hummingbird." They're terms used to describe parents who micromanage their children, especially during the college application process. Although the slang is not meant to be complimentary, some parents take pride in their helicopter status. "I acknowledge that there is a very fine line that separates a parent who is 'involved' from one who is 'overinvolved," confesses Sally Rubenstone, a self-professed helicopter mom to be and senior counselor at College Confidential. "And, often, it is better to err on the side of the latter, rather than to not provide adequate guidance and support to kids who need it.... A student who is a brilliant scientist or an amazing artist isn't necessarily a super secretary."

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<p>The</a> Perils and Perks of Helicopter Parents by Lucia Graves.</p>

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<p>“A student who is a brilliant scientist isn’t necessarily a super secretary.”
Agreed! That quote, in a nutshell, describes the problem many students have.</p>

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Maybe Marilyn Emerson’s clientele doesn’t use such words, but I know plenty of high schoolers with good vocabularies. I would even say they “relish” in their large vocabularies at times. Sorry, ma’am, some high schoolers actually do know how to write.</p>

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<p>I went to a medical appointment (orthopedist) with my college soph son last week and I asked my co-workers if my blades were spinning. They said you get a pass for medical issues, or else you wouldn’t get any information!</p>

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<p>And not just students! My advisor was a brilliant scholar, knew ten languages, could discuss both Western and Eastern philosophy and history and was utterly hopeless when choosing what to wear. His students and colleagues knew better than to make an appointment with him. Instead, they talked to his wife. He was invited to international conferences and his wife always traveled with him to make sure that everything went smoothly.</p>

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<p>“Relish” isn’t that peculiar a word.</p>

<p>I think it’s a really disgusting condiment, though.</p>

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<p>What about this scenario? One college student writes a paper and finds a peer in his dorm or class to read and edit it. Another college student e-mails the paper home to his parents to edit it.<br>
Do others see any difference here?</p>

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<p>Started being a helicopter mom during the HS years and through college admissions process…hoped to help D get off to a good start in life, but I didn’t realize that ‘hovering’ would become self-perpetualting…she still believes mom is available for that extra help for an ‘A’, or to call some academic office when she’s been there 2-3 times and they’ve blown her off. Mom makes appt with the Dean and the problem gets fixed. I feel like she’s saying, “if you won’t help me, I’ll sic my [helicopter] mom on you” :-)</p>

<p>D wanted good grades and to get a scholarship to a good private school. She did. But now she still wants/expects/demands the organizational edge that got her the success</p>

<p>D has learned to use mom’s help strategically…</p>

<p>But deep down I don’t believe that being a needed part of her achievement is psychologically such a good thing. </p>

<p>Everybody assumes that the helicopter parent WANTS to be flying over…like they have a need to be needed or fear of empty nest or something…but I would love to be out of the job of creating organization calendars of tests & assignments etc. </p>

<p>I never dreamed that helping give her with the competitive ‘edge’ for college admissions…would carry over to college as a continuation.</p>

<p>Maybe somebody out there has some good ideas on how to un-helicopter,</p>

<p>Help I’m a helicopter mom …on a leash !</p>

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<p>Just say no.</p>

<p>Simple, yet effective! I find when my son starts to lean on me too much, no matter how trivial the reason. it’s because he’s being lazy, not because he can’t do it on his own.</p>

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<p>My son and I just had this discussion tonight. He has 2 more days of school before Christmas break. I would like him to finish all his essays and have them reviewed by a teacher or guidance counselor. He is perfectly happy with either no review at all or with only us reviewing them over the holidays. He claims I am micromanaging him and causing him stress and that college applications just aren’t as important as I claim. In short, he went out with his friends tonight instead of writing an important essay. My answer to him was this… I don’t ask him to account for himself every minute of every day. He is free to come and go as he pleases. This is because he has a track record of not getting in trouble, maintaining decent grades, etc. I don’t micromanage him when he has proven himself capable. However, he has procrastinated on other deadlines in the past and he has shown himself to be a major procrastinator on college essays. Therefore, I am less likely to cut him slack on college aps. He says that he is willing to bear the consequences of procrastination on the aps. I still feel as a parent that I should weigh in on my opinion in the matter regardless of how guilty or stressed that makes him feel. Is this helicopter parenting or just good parenting? I don’t know. It’s difficult to know when you’ve crossed the line, but I’m pretty irritated with him for putting his essay off this long.</p>

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<p>He is not alone, my daughter finally got all but 1 of her applications sent last week. She started in the summer but keep changing her mind until the last minute. I also think teacher and counselor don’t help that much. Twice in a row my daughter gave her essays to her AP teacher and her AP teacher said they were perfect( and we found out later they weren’t).
Since kindergarten, I’ve never had to help D on anything. My D is always mature, organized, and self-motivated. This is the only time that I make an exception because there are so many things going on at the same time. It’s easy for kids to get discouraged. The process is complicated enough that it can be overwhelmed at times.</p>

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<p>ricegal
writing the essay for him is going too far
pressuring him to get the essay in on time is a good parent
using some leverage to get him to write it, without him getting defensive about being pressured…that’s a great parent (don’t we wish we all were)</p>

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<p>ricegal, you sound right on to me.</p>

<p>My s and I had a row today, as he seems to think studying for finals is optional. He was mad that he made a 79 on his Latin final today but doesn’t see the correlation between his minimal study time and the resulting poor grade. I predict a much better score on the chemistry final, judging by the effort put in this afternoon and evening.</p>

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<p>ricegal, I get you 100% . You didn’t help him learn to read, quiz him on his spelling words and go through flash cards with him and for him for the last 11 to 12 years for him to blow it now. You have invested all that you have because he has dreams and as a good mom you want to do what you can to help those dreams to become his reality. You have the right to be annoyed that he seems to be chucking it aside but…you I am sure are qualified to give him good feedback on his essays and if he chooses you rather than a teacher perhaps tham means that he know and trusts you to help him keep his voice authentic. Maybe it’s one of those “guy things” where they are telling you they love and trust you without having to say it. just a thought.</p>

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<p>I understand how much parents these days (and always) want there children to succeed, but I also have noticed a number of my classmates having parents who just pressure them too much. In response to a few points made on this topic so far:</p>

<p>-I think that once someone is a senior in high school (as I am) they should be able and allowed to schedule their essay writing on their own. Think of it this way. Does your son want to go to college? If yes, then surely he WILL get his essays done. It’s true that he might procrastinate, but the essays will most certainly get done (right?), and if he regretted procrastinating at the end, he will still have learned something, as opposed to merely following instructions and probably ending up resenting the whole idea of college.</p>

<p>-The same thing applies to studying for finals. If your son is truly disappointed with his 79, then hopefully he will study regardless of whether you tell him to. If he cares, but won’t study unless you tell him, well…isn’t it important that he learns to motivate himself? </p>

<p>Overall, I just want to point out that it’s still 2 weeks (or more) until most applications are due. That doesn’t seem like the last minute to me yet, especially considering that much of those 2 weeks is free of school.</p>

<p>I realize that I’m treading on thin water by giving parents suggestions as a 17 year old, and I acknowedge that I am not aware of what all it is like to be a parent. And I am not saying it’s bad to help your kids–I know I couldn’t go through the process without help–just that sometimes it comes off as pressure. Of course I’m glad I can *ask *my parents for help when I need it.</p>

<p>But my last comment is what I feel most strongly about. I see other people don’t like that “relish” comment either. But my problem with it is not that it demeans students (though it does) but that it is unethical!! Going through a child’s essay with them and replacing their own less whimsical words with an adult’s? By all means proofread, comment, etc. but changing specific phrasing? If I have a word in mind but am blanking on it, my parents will try to call it to mind, but that word is my own. How much do colleges have to stress that they want THE STUDENT’S voice? Personally, I don’t want my essays to have to compete with those written by college graduates. Hopefully you guys agree…?</p>

<p>edit: And one more thing. I think a lot of the pressure kids feel is rooted in the attitude mentioned in the original post that “a student who is a brilliant scientist or an amazing artist isn’t necessarily a super secretary”. Yes, so true. But how many students are really going to be “brilliant scientists” or “amazing artists”? There are plenty of smart people, original people, lively people, happy people, etc. but not many geniuses in the world. And that’s okay, because I bet it’s damn hard being a genius. Einstein never looks too happy, neither was John Lennon.</p>

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<p>Youdon’tsay: I have the same problem with my son and the studying. Sometimes, they just don’t want to put in the time, particularly once senioritis hits.</p>

<p>historymom: One can only hope, but I fear it has more to do with him thinking he is a good enough essay writer that his essays don’t need much review. He asked me tonight why I care where he goes to school, and I found it hard to put into words. You did it beautifully. He claims he will be happy at any school, but I think his heartache is going to be great if he only gets into his safeties. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that he gets into one of his matches.</p>

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<p>CharlotteRH: Your arguments are the same ones that my son makes and you are correct, of course, but it’s difficult to watch your children make mistakes that are so blatant as going out to a movie and blowing off the chance to have the GC review an essay. One hopes he will learn something about procrastinating, but it’s not so easy to know whether you didn’t get in because of your stats, your essay, or just a general mismatch. It’s hard to learn a lesson when you don’t see the cause and effect.</p>

<p>Also, there is a difference between having the essays done and having them done well. My son wrote an essay in less than a week for his UC application and then he modified the essay for the common ap. The modified essay is much better because he had a chance to let the essay sit a bit and stir around in his mind. He wasn’t under pressure to crank something out at the last minute and he took the time to rewrite half the essay and it just came out better. So, I think more time is better and more reviewers is better, too, because each reviewer brings a different perspective on where the essay is leading them. Once you have reviewed it once, you no longer get the “impact” of the essay. For example, my son wrote an essay about an incident that happened at summer camp. My son had a neighbor review it. She felt that she needed to know the age of the camper in the story in order to understand the essay better. Once she said that, I could see it right away, but since I knew the age of the campers the missing info hadn’t bothered me. I don’t think this changes the voice of the essay, but could make a difference in how well he gets his point across.</p>

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<p>Charlotte, you’re correct. I’ve been there and done this and it is over-involvement, imo. This time last year, I wanted my son to spend every free moment on his college apps. I could dig up the thread I started–“am I over-reacting?”–but I won’t, but I was. I wanted him to have good choices and I came here to blow off steam and I was finally able to let go and let him manage the process–his process. And then pick his college and now do his own work and make his own choices there. It’s hard as a parent to let go, but it’s really hard for kids to get on with their lives until we do.</p>

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<p>DS wouldn’t touch relish (ketchup or mustard, either) with a ten-foot pole, but he certainly uses the word in its other context.</p>

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<p>Charlotte, your well-stated opinions are always welcome!</p>