My kids’ HS has the same type of senior awards night, including an award for those who have perfect UW GPAs. But individual GPAs are not announced, and we also have no published class rank, and no val/sal, which I think is great, because it takes the pressure off of kids who might otherwise fight for hundredths of a GPA point or game the system by getting excused from non-weighted requirements, etc. (this tradition goes back to the founding of the school). However, there is a ranked list that is not publicly disclosed, and the seniors who win the bigger awards on Senior Awards Night are chosen from that list of the top 10% or so (the ones who win departmental awards are chosen by AP teachers who have seniors, so they come from a bigger group). But specific rankings and GPAs are never made public. Senior Day, when kids wear their college gear, is a fun tradition, but because over 90% of the students in this public high school end up at 4-year colleges (and another 5% at CCs), it’s very inclusive.
I think the “College dream day” for non-seniors (referenced above – our HS doesn’t do this) is awful. Not only does it set unrealistic expectations, but it goes against one of our ironclad family rules – no college merch (other than for schools relatives have attended) unless you have acceptances in hand.
I think it’s different when you’re a teen. Especially in the high pressure, ultra competitive, “Ivy or Bust” type high schools.
Students’ world views are formed by their parents and peers, and at these types of schools parents are prepping their kids right from the start of high school to get into “the right kind of schools” (read: Ivy/Ivy+). There is an intense focus on grades and test scores, expensive tutors to help boost these, and private college counsellors to develop a list of ECs and achievements, etc. The message to kids is very clear - “if you are smart, you must get into an Ivy(+) school - else you’re a failure”. Schools like this are all around us here in NJ, and every year I witness the absolute devastation some kids feel, not realizing that admissions involves many factors outside their control.
On the other hand, once you’ve been working a few years you are much more in control of your own story. Yes, there is peer pressure to get promotions and lead key projects, but you learn how to navigate these things, know which battles to fight and which to ignore, etc. So yes, one learns to deal with it - but not in high school.
Honestly, I think high school is the place most learn to deal with it-competition for college rolls over to competition for grad schools, prestigious jobs, the nicest suburbs in NJ with the best public schools, the biggest house, the fancy car, the most glamorous spouse. One learns to have internal values and care not as much about these things-as early as possible in my opinion.
Absolutely! And I think the best way for teens to learn these internal values is to have adults modeling it for them. For example by stopping all the silly awards designations and announcements. After all, learning should be motivated by the intrinsic reward of learning, not to get some sort of trophy.
Another implied message that parents may pass to their kids: that $250k or so income is needed to be “middle class”, with the inference that anything other than elite college, job, … results in being “poor” or at least a “disappointment” in not doing better than one’s parents.
While I agree, the fact remains that students are routinely recognized for athletic or artistic achievement, so I do not begrudge adding academic achievement to those recognitions.
The US is not known for an overly intellectual culture
If I bother my son a second time about when some interview result is going to come, he’ll tell me to not to stress. That worrying about it won’t change the result, or make the result come any sooner. This is about his interviews. Not mine.
I think high school is good training. If anything, a modest amount of academic stress is better than stress of the other kind, where you have even less in your control – stressing about whether you are the popular kid in school or not, whether you are being invited to all the parties or not…
Whether you make the varsity team, become first violin in orchestra, are voted prom princess…endless opportunities for stress/competition in high school.
I am not sure I fully agree. I was pissed that one of my kids did not get some award that I thought was more than due. The school was rationing – like you have 3. It’s ok. The other guy has none. Whatever…
And I’d be consoled by the kid – what’s the point of the award that come in May or June. Admissions are already done by this point. Does any of this matter? We can’t send it into a college. The other kid is also my friend. Am I going to throw a tantrum that they are giving that award to him and not to me. yada yada.
If you are in the recognition business, you better recognize properly. I may not care about your recognition, but it is your (school) duty to recognize properly.
I think academic stress is understandable, and I’m fine with it. Some kids want to take on more of it, and others less. And if there are going to be sports awards and recognitions, there should definitely be academic awards as well.
I’m talking about the pressure parents and peers create to try and achieve outcomes that aren’t entirely in the kid’s control. Most kids don’t know that, and they don’t understand how admission decisions are driven by institutional priorities, or that their life isn’t over because they didn’t get into Harvard, etc. As a teen, they’re trying to live up to expectations created by those around them.
And yes, some kids are good at learning lessons and dealing with all this. Others can’t, and adults can do their part to help those kids.
Yes, parents should impart that message. As well as the message that things beyond their control, like attending a highly ranked public school in a prestigious suburb, also may have worked in their favor.
It is a delicate balance. They need to learn to set themselves stretch goals and work towards these goals. At the same time take negative outcomes in their stride. They also need to learn to take risks. It is easy to raise kids that are complacent and not stretch. Important to separate stress from work
I can’t imagine any kind of award day where student specific gpa’s are announced - isn’t that an invasion of privacy? Our school does none of the above (we’re in MA) despite sending a fair number of kids to competitive schools every year. We do have a day when seniors wear shirts from the college they’ll be attending, but that’s about it.
Who is going where is fairly public information, at least by fall of that year after the kids graduate HS, and most of the time by May/June – I am not sure why it should be a stressor. There is etiquette in not asking friends if they did not tell you. And certainly you don’t ask non-friends.
This is the spirit of what I was driving at in my initial post. I just feel like as parents the things we say and the questions we ask should be mindful and tactful. We as parents, family friends, grandparents, etc., can phrase things in such a way that a kid knows we care about them and their interests, not about some college acceptance or whatever the recognition might be. And I think school admins need to do a little introspection and soul searching themselves, and decide what info gets shared, whether awards night should include a stack-ranking of kids by GPA in descending order, and whether hosting a “Dream College Day” is a healthy activity for the student body.
I think peer comparisons are, unfortunately, inevitable. Kids live out loud on social media these days, and many of them are willing to allow their college admissions process to be a spectator sport for their classmates and insta friends. That’s a choice too, but we as parents could point out that holding some things closer to the vest is OK too.
High schools are sometimes political entities. I am not sure you if you have noticed.
There are various vested interests. Luckily I have not seen any excessive unjust behavior. But there are things that are happening on the edges. You look and you realize what is happening. You smile and let it go because you are leaving in a month or whatever.
100% @DadOfJerseyGirl social events with senior year parents can be a bit of a tightrope walk. Everything you say here is best practices. My favorite move, post-announcement, is to congratulate the parents. Raising a kid can be an emotional minefield. It’s nice to acknowledge the time and effort (and in some cases, sacrifice) that the parents invested in their children.
With kids pursuing education and careers in the arts, another source of stress is being questioned on your major or focus of study. My kids handled it well, but in my opinion the adults around them would serve them better by showing interest in their choice rather than questioning it.
Even now, with my kid one year away from completing his music performance degree and already close to supporting himself with music, he gets asked about what he will do to support himself when he is done with school. Luckily, he now sees the success of his mentors and older fellow students along with his own success. But as a 17 year old, the frame of reference is not there. He needed to make a leap of faith back then to follow his passion. And I think many people do not understand the many ways degrees in the arts can be utilized and the many careers out there for artists, performers, musicians. That’s ok…but better to inquire and gain understanding of their passion and plans. As opposed to questioning the decision or trying to impose a path that is familiar and more predictable, but not what an artistic kid wants.